to want to die without making anyone sad?

[Emerging]

(namechange) I wanted to post in the thread about supernatural experiences that was here a while ago, but it seems it is now quite old (things move fast in mumsnet!), and also maybe I should post this as it stands because I find myself in an massive dilemna and wanted to kind of reach out to others... both to ground myself, and to share an experience.

This is to do with the inner voice. Not inner ?voices? as in schizophrenia, but that one clear, pure, true voice at the core of your soul that you can only hear when everything else in your mind is silent.

I had a major life event recently (weeks ago) and something switched in my brain that had been building for a long time? to start just listening to that voice and following it. Keeping my mind quiet of all doubts and fears and just communicating quietly and honestly with that one small voice.

I quite quickly reached a point of what I can only describe as absolute stillness and contentment inside, with just my own ?outer? voice, and that small ?inner? voice quietly conversing like two old friends. I felt like I finally understood everything that life was about.

And then I received (days ago) what I can only describe as a gentle ?invitation?, to cross over. It wasn?t said in those words, but I knew the message in my heart, almost telepathically. It was an invitation to die, to step into ?the light?, to leave this world behind and be born into the world of the ?inner voice?, whatever that is. I don?t mean it was asking me to kill myself? I just knew that if I accepted I would die naturally right there and then.

It was the most REAL thing I have ever experienced, and the fear that welled up in me was too great. I wanted to accept so badly, but my life right now feels perfect and I found it so hard to imagine my loved ones coming home to find me dead and all the grief they would have to go through.

I couldn't say yes to the invitation, but I did say I would like to look in the outer world to see if many others are having this kind of experience, and to share my own if not (I also want to ground myself to make sure I'm not crazy), and my inner voice seemed happy with that? so here I am.

This is my experience. Are there others out there? If death really is a transition, then raising awareness of it would make the process (both for the dying and the left behind) so much easier.

I can't describe how torn I felt between really, really wanting to 'step into the light' and see what might be waiting there, and the pain of leaving everyone I loved behind. Not even just my own pain, but imagining their pain at finding me gone... at a time when everyone is so happy. Is it selfish to want to go? Should I talk to my family about it (or will it throw them into confusion?) Am I crazy?

OP, I'm glad you're going to see the GP on Monday. Please don't worry, they have heard it all before and will be able to help.

Just realised Monday's a bank holiday (sorry, skim-reading thread).

NHS Direct on 0845 4647 can let you know out-of-hours phone numbers for local mental health services.

hate to sound flippant but could this just have been extreme PMT then? did you suffer from it before pregnancy?

Know you're taking a break from the thread, OP, just wanted you to know I'm still thinking of you.

Not flippant to me didldidi, and I would like to stress again how important it is to me to hear a variety of opinions. I believe I am reaching some kind of rational conclusion about the whole thing. In answer to your question, I have had various 'difficulties' psychologically my entire life, although from a practical, outside point of view, my life has been improving steadily in terms of relationships and worldly achievements (with occasional setbacks along the way). I have never experienced what I have described here before, however...

I have been on antidepressants for one stretch of time, and have been a psychiatric inpatient once (voluntarily) due to a period of deep depression and suicidal thoughts. I have never been on antipsychotics (nor to my knowledge been psychotic... unless this episode turns out to be such).

At the moment I feel quite stable and grounded, that all messages (both inner and outer) are legitimate and deserve honest consideration.

I feel that the communication I had with that 'inner voice' is a very real, and legitimate part of developing human psyche, but that it is a delicate and dangerous path that can easily tip over into a spiral of psychosis .

I now believe that I did indeed come very close to tipping over into psychosis, and that honestly considering the messages from the 'outside world' (here and from my grandma/DH) did potentially save me from a psychological experience that could have rapidly degenerated into something life-threatening.

For that reason, I do now also believe that it is important to get a psychiatrist on board as they are possibly the most powerful 'worldly' force to counterbalance the 'inner' pull, and I will be doing so.

However, I do not believe the 'inner voice' in itself is any sort of disease or pathology, and feel in reception of it louder and clearer than ever right now. I honestly believe that the key here is to balance the focus and attention between the two 'worlds' (outer world and inner mind).

Think its a good move to get a psychatrist involved, OP. Well done. x

Emerging, it sounds like you are taking the right approach and have considered everything carefully.

I would like to say that I do understand what you are saying about the inner voice. The suicidal episode I told you about happened to me over ten years ago and I have never (touch wood!) felt like that again. However, the one thing I have kept from the experience is that I know longer have any fear or dying and I still have an absolute belief that there is 'something' after life that is not be feared. Prior to that episode of depression, I didn't have any belief about life after death and I've never followed any type of religion. So, what I'm trying up say is that I took something positive from the awful experience I had and that I did experience something that I believe was, to some extent, real.

I think that when you are suffering from a deep depression, there is a certain 'rawness' to living which can lead the sufferer to experience a heightened awareness and intuition. I noticed this in others as well as in myself. However, there is a fine line between this heightened awareness and the false beliefs associated with psychosis - the person suffering is not the best judge of which side of the line they may be on. This is why seeking professional, outside help is necessary.

Talking to other people about my feelings at the time was the right thing to go though as they helped me to remember why I wanted to stay in the life I am in now and to focus on all the experiences that would be in my future.

On another note, the period after having a baby is one where I think your mind is open to all sorts of new experiences - good or bad.

After having my second child, she was a week old when I had an experience I would describe as an ephinany - it was a really wonderful experience. I was feeding my daughter, when we was a week old, looking down at her and thinking about how much I lover her, when I suddenly had a really clear 'vision' (I mean a vision inside my mind not a hallucination!).

Sorry if this sounds a bit hippy-dippy, but the only way I can explain it is that: I felt like I was being shown a time-line from the beginning of history right through to the end of time. I could see my place in it and I could see how absolutely tiny my life was, in contrast to the whole of time. I could also see that there will be a time, when my life comes to it's natural end, and my children will continue in the world without me. This wasn't a horrible experience in any way, it was really calming and clear and u felt like I was being shown something that I should have been aware of all along and that the entire purpose of my life was clear (I'm sorry, I know this does sound a bit cringe-worthy!)

I immediately decided that I wanted to have another baby do that my children will have a group when they grow old and so that they will be there for each other (I had previously said I was stopping at 2). I thought my feelings might be hormonal but as the months went on they never faded. I went back to work but my heart wasn't in it at all, and I still had this sense that I had been shown what life is about and didn't want to waste anymore time worrying about material things.

My DH and I decided I would leave and stay at home full-time and to try for a third. I have never regretted this decision for a second and am so happy to have another child, actually,, number 3 turned out to be twins! - so another two on the way. The feelings of clarity I had have faded away somewhat over time, but the clear sense of purpose hasn't and without that 'vision' I think I would have made very different choices over the last year.

I've gone off on a tangent there, but I think I was trying to say that the post-natal period is naturally a time of change and surprise. The fact that you sought help after receiving that feeling of invitation shows that you knew you were tired and confused and that you really do want to live rather to die. However, there may be some 'truth' in the experience that you can take with you into your future.

Others may disagree, which is understandable, but I just want you to know that I do understand your experience, to some extent.

That's a nice post, FireBat. I've got to say this: " I could see my place ... how absolutely tiny my life was, in contrast to the whole of time. I could also see that there will be a time, when my life comes to its natural end" is how I've felt through much of my own life and I am told it's a depression symptom. I can see why: it's not at all the same as feeling fully alive in the moment and wanting as many moments as possible! I realise you're talking about a different thing - your discovery of yourself as creator of new generations - just wanted to highlight how descriptions of mental states can sound the same while being very different in nature.

Emerging, you really sound like a lovely person. I'm glad you've decided to have a psychiatrist help maintain your balance between 'inner' and 'outer' worlds :)

firebat your post is so incredible and very moving....to feel this degree of clarity and purpose...to be able to 'see' clearly the future and be given something so enormously comforting must have been the most amazing feeling to have....

How wonderful that is....and exceptional that you have your twins coming along in your life to....and a special man who supports and understands you so happily....

You are a fortunate person indeed....with many gifts to cherish (hug)

Emerging I also agree with others that FireBat is talking much sense. I have been reading your thread with much interest and actually, admiration. Admiration for your braveness, openness and willingness to explore your understanding of your experiences. I think these are positive aspects of you that will aid and speed your recovery through this unusual and unsettling time, for you, your baby and DH.

As long as you are supported by people who can help identify if things are spiralling out of control (and get you to A&E if this happens) your plan to talk your situation and experiences over with a professional asap is definitely well worthwhile.

Seeing a GP and probably starting a course of medication, may help to stabilise things to a point where you can get the best out of some kind of talking therapy. Don?t forget phone helplines are there if things start to change again suddenly and become more distressing (Samaritans
Confidential support 08457 90 90 90 (24-hour helpline) SANEline Charity offering support and carrying out research into mental illness. Phone: 0845 767 8000 (daily, 6pm-11pm). Your local mental health trust may also have a helpline you can access ? look on their website.

Interestingly, this Royal College of Psychiatry Information on Spirituality and Mental Health shows how we are beginning to view spiritual aspects of mental health in a different way. I personally think it is commendable and wise that you wish to exercise some caution in who you do discuss your experiences with, since your connection with that person, and their views around the issues will ultimately shape the outcome; your treatment, how you feel about it and respond.

This doesn?t mean that you shouldn?t discuss things with your GP, just have faith that if you are not happy with their reaction, there will be others that have a different viewpoint. If this does happen, it might be possible and helpful for someone in your family to support you in finding a practitioner who shares the RCPsych?s standing of allowing you to explore the meaning of your experiences to you, in a way that validates them.

FWIW I have had similar experiences years ago and was treated for anxiety and depression, because that is what I presented with. What your thread is showing me is that I wasn?t perhaps honest enough with myself and others about the extent of my thoughts and beliefs during that time. Although my treatment helped me to recover, I am still left with questions about what I experienced, some would say ?spiritually?. I wasn?t perhaps as brave as you.

This is inspiring me to look at doing something about that.

I too wish you well.

I could "see" the future when I was ill with psychosis. I really believed that I had been given a gift and chosen as the special person to receive it.

It was confusing for me when people didn't understand and especially when they said I was ill. What I was trying to explain to people was crystal clear in my mind and felt like an absolute truth.

I am not religious, but I also see how what happened to me could be interpreted as having been "touched by God"

I dwelled on this perhaps having some deeper spiritual meaning while I was recovering, but now I am fully well, I can see that to my mind anyway, it was all part of the illness and nothing more.

I suffered deep post psychotic depression and I found depression to be a very different experience from psychosis with none of the inner voice stuff or visions or whizzing brain. Depression for me was numbness and there seemed to be a big empty space in my mind where the psychosis had been.

Emerging, getting a psychiatrist on board is a really good move x

Emerging, I think you make a fair point that there is so much what constitutes experiencing 'being human' that we don't fully understand.
And many, many conditions that are considered illnesses are simply one end of a spectrum:

• we describe people who have seizures as having epilepsy, although every person has the capacity to fit if exposed to just the wrong kind of circumstances.
• we describe people who wheeze at the drop of a hat as having asthma, even though everyone can wheeze if their airways are irritated enough.

I think in the same way some people are more in tune with their inner lives than others, or more spiritual than others, and maybe more vulnerable for these experience to 'tip' into something more unhealthy and dangerous.

I've said before, I think your intelligence and preparedness to have an unflinching look at what had been happening to you, is a great strength and I am very glad you will seek specialist advice.

Hope you get lots of restful sleep tonight x.

Interesting points, PD. I too believe in a spectrum of mental health, which anyone can sit at any point along it, at any time.

How are you feeling, OP?

I posted on your other thread, Emerging. Am thinking about you and hope you're OK.

Hello again,

Just a quick update to let you know I have been to the GP, and took a printout of my first message posted here (as helpfully suggested).

He did express concern but agreed with me (and after a conversation with my obstetric consultant) that as I demonstrate insight, it is just something to keep an eye on for the time being and they will review me in a week (unless anything changes).

I do still feel more grounded (much the same as when I posted last), and still believe that the inner voice (and many of the things I have come to understand through it) is a real part of the human psyche, and not something pathological in itself. What I learned from that brief experience has caused some dramatic and positive changes in my life.

The inner voice has been very quiet for the last while as I have been extremely busy with the 'outside' world, but I am aware of its presence and feel like the communication line is open if that makes any sense.

I am considering exploring communication with it more carefully in the future (and perhaps keeping a record), but will make sure to keep an 'outside' world support network in place, including my DH and the GP.

I can't thank you all enough for the (often very personal) experiences and advice you shared with me here, and strongly believe it has contributed to a much more positive outcome.

Hi Emerging. REally glad to hear that you are doing ok. Just be on the look out for odd things happening and get straight back to the doctor if need be.

Things that happened to me included feeling that there were lots and lots of coincidences happening.

My driving went all to pot as I couldn't concentrate. I ran some red lights (didn't realise until I was through them) and one day I dived into a parking space that someone else was waiting to get into. It wasn't til she hooted at me that I realised she was waiting there.

I couldn't sleep, and when I did finally sleep, my body was asleep but my brain didn't switch off, it seemed to be whirring all night long.

I started seeing connections between things that weren't apparent to anyone else and got obsessed with them.

My senses seemed really heightened. I could hear things that were really quiet and could smell bad smells that nobody else could.

Those are just a few of the things that I remember happening to me before I lost insight, not to say that the same would happen to you, but just to give you some idea.

Take care
x

You must go back to the GP or straight to A & E if thinks get worse.

I was also very insightful while I was very ill and no one would ever have guessed and didn't

Also, I have never experienced a psychosis myself but some people I know have and they have said it felt like a "buzzing" in their heads. If you start feeling like that or if you feel your thoughts are on a fast train that you can't get off, then you really do need to get help.

I am glad you went to your GP.

Emerging

REally pleased you went to see your GP.

I have experienced what you have went through. After my second child, I too started hearing voices etc., felt a huge connection to the universe that I just couldn't explain.

Unfortunately, these voices became so real, that I took an overdose, but, i survived, and I totally recovered.

The medical profession were amazing to me, i still think back of him with huge admiration and great fondness.

THey helped me so much, that it something that I will never forget.

That episode changed me totally, and I am so different to that person that i originally was.

Take care x

Hi emerging,

I have been lurking on your thread but have not commented as I felt I had nothing to contribute.

Reading your last post has made me want to mention that there are people who are very open to the kind of 'inner voice' feeling you talk about and yet are grounded enough to be able to help if things look like they are getting out of hand.

I have no direct experience of this, only through talking with my sister who although an MD by training now works as some sort of counselling thing, often with patients who are undergoing treatment for other stuff, and who talks about being in touch with your inner self and whatnot all the time (as you can see, I am wooly on the detail).

It can be a force for healing not just part of a disease, and there are professionals who can help you tread the line between the two.

Hi discrete,
Do you have any links or information about how I might get in touch with such people? I would greatly appreciate it.

Also, I did not have much time earlier, but I would like to thank Firebat in particular for sharing your experience so openly, and JimmyFlip for the very helpful link!

All of the posts from everyone have been incredibly supportive and helpful, and once again, thank you all!

I would like to add that I have been experiencing some of the things mentioned by posters here.

chipmonkey I have indeed been hearing a high-frequency buzzing sound (almost like a vibration in my head)... not all the time, but off and on. It is particularly noticeable when I feel especially alert and 'in tune'.

mawbroon I do notice more coincidences and connections, and while I find these remarkable, I am also aware how easy it would be to become obsessive about them (as they really are very intriguing!) I also have a sense that the Universe/God/or something!! (I'm actually agnostic) is speaking to me in a way I've never noticed before... not that I feel I'm special in any way, but rather that all of us receive these messages all the time and simply don't notice or pay much attention to them (including myself).

I still feel that these things in themselves are not pathological... but that it would be incredibly easy to 'fall down the rabbit hole' so to speak, and become lost in the surreal-ness of it all. It can feel very dream-like, and while I do not think the experiences are un-real, I think they are perhaps a different level of reality/awareness, and that it is important not to lose touch with this one.

I do feel that perhaps the greatest danger (in my case) would be to begin to hear the 'inner' messages to the neglect of the 'outer' ones. I feel very aware that I need to keep the two as balanced as possible.

Have you ever read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle? He seems to have had a similar experience to you.

Please take care Emerging. It sounds as though there is a fine line between where you are now and where I was when I was ill.

Look after youself
x