to want to die without making anyone sad?

[Emerging]

(namechange) I wanted to post in the thread about supernatural experiences that was here a while ago, but it seems it is now quite old (things move fast in mumsnet!), and also maybe I should post this as it stands because I find myself in an massive dilemna and wanted to kind of reach out to others... both to ground myself, and to share an experience.

This is to do with the inner voice. Not inner ?voices? as in schizophrenia, but that one clear, pure, true voice at the core of your soul that you can only hear when everything else in your mind is silent.

I had a major life event recently (weeks ago) and something switched in my brain that had been building for a long time? to start just listening to that voice and following it. Keeping my mind quiet of all doubts and fears and just communicating quietly and honestly with that one small voice.

I quite quickly reached a point of what I can only describe as absolute stillness and contentment inside, with just my own ?outer? voice, and that small ?inner? voice quietly conversing like two old friends. I felt like I finally understood everything that life was about.

And then I received (days ago) what I can only describe as a gentle ?invitation?, to cross over. It wasn?t said in those words, but I knew the message in my heart, almost telepathically. It was an invitation to die, to step into ?the light?, to leave this world behind and be born into the world of the ?inner voice?, whatever that is. I don?t mean it was asking me to kill myself? I just knew that if I accepted I would die naturally right there and then.

It was the most REAL thing I have ever experienced, and the fear that welled up in me was too great. I wanted to accept so badly, but my life right now feels perfect and I found it so hard to imagine my loved ones coming home to find me dead and all the grief they would have to go through.

I couldn't say yes to the invitation, but I did say I would like to look in the outer world to see if many others are having this kind of experience, and to share my own if not (I also want to ground myself to make sure I'm not crazy), and my inner voice seemed happy with that? so here I am.

This is my experience. Are there others out there? If death really is a transition, then raising awareness of it would make the process (both for the dying and the left behind) so much easier.

I can't describe how torn I felt between really, really wanting to 'step into the light' and see what might be waiting there, and the pain of leaving everyone I loved behind. Not even just my own pain, but imagining their pain at finding me gone... at a time when everyone is so happy. Is it selfish to want to go? Should I talk to my family about it (or will it throw them into confusion?) Am I crazy?

Listen, I'm as reluctant to seeking medical help as they come but in your position I would would would be wanting someone to guide me gently towards A&E. They're usually really on the ball in helping new mums with odd or confusing thoughts. But it sounds as though you may need some help in explaining it... could you take someone with you or take a printout of this thread?

Please can you show your dh this thread and let him decide if you need help tonight? Because the family member who had puerperal psychosis went from slightly irrational comments one day to jumping out of the upstairs window the next :( thankfully she was ok but I know of another who ran into the motorway and was killed :(. It is life threatening and can progress very very quickly which is why we are all begging you to get help TONIGHT.

Emerging please at least talk to your dh about this, you asked in your original op if you should, and I think you should.

I may be stating the obvious but firebat please don't give more energy and information to this thread than you are 100% happy and comfortable with.

emerging are you prepared to seek help, as suggested, tomorrow?

X post. FWIW, I had PTSD after the birth of DD and it came out of nowhere. I was on the biggest high and felt totally serene, in control and rational. Now, when I look back on the intrusive thoughts I had, the sleeplessness I endured and the horrible things I convinced myself was wrong with DD I can see that I wasn't in a very good place at the time. The point is, I couldn't see it at the time until things came to a head and I realised I needed help. Slightly different situation to yours but my point is that things aren't always as they seem at the time. You may believe your thinking to be rational and your mood to be one of wellness but it's worth telling someone about this tonight just as an insurance, do you not think?

Has MN got protocols for situations like this?

Being psychotic doesn't feel irrational. That's what makes it so dangerous. Do go and see someone.

Even if you don't feel this is you, let a professional make that call. It's very important. Please.

Gosh, I'm sorry, that really wasn't my intention - I really thought that I knew what the OP meant.

You don't drop down dead because you want to die.

Anyway - I will back away now, I'm sorry if I have caused any offence as it really wasn't my intention to do so.

No, MN does not have protocols and will not seek to intervene to assist OP.

I have been suicidal, but have also felt like you are saying you do - a quiet, calm pull towards death. Spending times wondering about how to do it without making people sad. Feeling that I had the power to just make that decision, that all I had to say to the urge was "yes" and I would go.

I have a serious mental health condition, and on reflection (afterwards) know these times have been serious flare ups.

Please get some help.

Just adding my voice to those urging you to seek medical advice as a matter of urgency, Emerging.
As others have said the thoughts and feelings anyone can experience during a psychotic episode will appear very real and convincing, but can become distressing and intrusive v quickly.

If it turns out that you are well after a thorough assessment, then all the better, but you owe it to your baby and your DH to make that step and seek medical input.
Please do, I urge you.

Justme - how awful to call an actual persons feelings "ridiculous drivel" making her feel like she should apologise when she said herself she suspects she is depressed.

Justme23 I think your post was a little harsh. A tad more diplomacy required, even if you disagree with something as strongly as you evidently do - a woman has just said she imagines looking at her body in a coffin and you respond like that? Make you should be the one growing up, or at least gaining a significant expansion of emotional knowledge.

Thank you property nightmare, I assumed not.

Missalarmclockhater just think please. Making statements like yours does not make you seem quirky and interesting. If you are serious in the way you feel them seek some advice from a professional.

Suicide is not funny or light hearted. Anyone who has spent any time with people who seriously want to die will have a dim view of your statement.

Anchovies, thank you so much but honestly, don't worry, I really don't want to start a row and I apologise unreservedly if I have accidentally made things worse for the OP. All that I meant was that I sometimes find myself with very dark thoughts but I know I wouldn't act on them (for religious reasons in my case) but the thoughts themselves help me to deal with what is happenings by allowing some form of escapism.

I thought this was what Emerging was describing, a desire to escape and be released in a sense, but other posters have indicated it may be something more than that so I can only apologise again if I have upset or angered anybody as I would hate to have done that. x

And who are you to declare that's what she's trying to do, Justme? Sincerely feel you should be thinking as much as you're currently urging another poster to.

Justme, I am baffled as to why you think I have stated anywhere in my posts that I think suicide is funny or light hearted, it is anything but. It's a horrible thing to have to battle when you desperately want to die and feel there is no hope for you in the world but feel obliged to carry on, whether because of loved ones or because in my case I fear an afterlife. As I said, clearly I misunderstood the OP but this was a genuine misunderstanding and certainly was not intended to be funny and I am confused as to why you think that was my intention, but no matter.

Glad you came back, OP. Do speak to your DH asap, and get in touch with a medical professional tonight or first thing tomorrow.

The problem with these sorts of mental issues is that it's very possible to feel at one's most rational when actually one is at one's least rational! And I'm sure you're aware that post-childbirth is a vulnerable time for women because of all the hormones surging around. You have nothing to lose by talking to someone.

missalarmclockhater please don't feel anyone's having a go, we're all just very concerned about Emerging. Please seek help for yourself, it's not normal to want to die.

Let's not get sidetracked with a row. Missalarmclock if you feel you need a listening ear please start a thread. But let's not argue here.

Well I don't have a dim view justme and i've spent my fair share of time at the hospital bedside of dearly loved people who have attempted and one very sadly sucecced to take their own lives, and I certainly don't think missalarm is posting statements like that for some kind of kick.

I think we should all stop derailing now tbh.

Reign it in, folks.

I think we are all agreed that feeling the desire to die or be dead is not usually a sign of perfect mental well-being.
missalarmclockhater, talk to somebody in RL who is experienced in helping.
As should you, Emergine.
Make a first step and speak to your DH, an make an appointment for your GP tomorrow. It is great that you are feeling all calm and at peace, this is the time when you will be able to express well how you are feeling. It can be lot harder if you suddenly find yourself in a darker place.

I do apologise for being harsh Missalarmclockhater.

Go talk to someone. You would be amazed what can be dealt with just by a simple conversation with someone who knows the right questions. Good luck in all you do.