to want to die without making anyone sad?

[Emerging]

(namechange) I wanted to post in the thread about supernatural experiences that was here a while ago, but it seems it is now quite old (things move fast in mumsnet!), and also maybe I should post this as it stands because I find myself in an massive dilemna and wanted to kind of reach out to others... both to ground myself, and to share an experience.

This is to do with the inner voice. Not inner ?voices? as in schizophrenia, but that one clear, pure, true voice at the core of your soul that you can only hear when everything else in your mind is silent.

I had a major life event recently (weeks ago) and something switched in my brain that had been building for a long time? to start just listening to that voice and following it. Keeping my mind quiet of all doubts and fears and just communicating quietly and honestly with that one small voice.

I quite quickly reached a point of what I can only describe as absolute stillness and contentment inside, with just my own ?outer? voice, and that small ?inner? voice quietly conversing like two old friends. I felt like I finally understood everything that life was about.

And then I received (days ago) what I can only describe as a gentle ?invitation?, to cross over. It wasn?t said in those words, but I knew the message in my heart, almost telepathically. It was an invitation to die, to step into ?the light?, to leave this world behind and be born into the world of the ?inner voice?, whatever that is. I don?t mean it was asking me to kill myself? I just knew that if I accepted I would die naturally right there and then.

It was the most REAL thing I have ever experienced, and the fear that welled up in me was too great. I wanted to accept so badly, but my life right now feels perfect and I found it so hard to imagine my loved ones coming home to find me dead and all the grief they would have to go through.

I couldn't say yes to the invitation, but I did say I would like to look in the outer world to see if many others are having this kind of experience, and to share my own if not (I also want to ground myself to make sure I'm not crazy), and my inner voice seemed happy with that? so here I am.

This is my experience. Are there others out there? If death really is a transition, then raising awareness of it would make the process (both for the dying and the left behind) so much easier.

I can't describe how torn I felt between really, really wanting to 'step into the light' and see what might be waiting there, and the pain of leaving everyone I loved behind. Not even just my own pain, but imagining their pain at finding me gone... at a time when everyone is so happy. Is it selfish to want to go? Should I talk to my family about it (or will it throw them into confusion?) Am I crazy?

Thanks, Justme, I hope to do so in the near future - not really strong enough just at the moment, but I am sure I will be. It was very gracious of you to apologise to me and I really appreciate it.

Emerging, I can't apologise enough for derailing the thread and just want you to know my thoughts are with you at what must be a really difficult time. x

I have felt like that before, I had post natal psychosis. It started very much as you described and eventually I wanted to die and take my DCS with me. The only reason I did not jump off Beachy head was that DH wouldn't come with me.

Miss alarm clock - don't apologise. You have every right to say how you feel without being told you are being dramatic or attention seeking and I am sure you posted with good intentions.

JustMe - if I am correct, you were on another thread recently claiming to have a phd in mental health? Please stop it now. Not trying to make this into a competition, but I have genuinely worked in mental health and I have never come across anyone in that area with an attitude like yours.

Emerging - The only reason I don't want to go into any detail about my experience is because I am not sure that will be truly helpful to you at the moment and I don't want to risk affecting the way you are looking at the situation. You do sound calm and in control now but you DO need to speak to a health visitor, midwife or GP, even if the thoughts go away. With your past history of depression, it's important that you tell someone, even if it just a quick chat and you decide you don't need further help.

Please will you contact one of those people, if not tonight, then tomorrow? In the meantime, let your DH know, just in case you start to feel depressed or worried and your mood changes before you've contacted a professional. Good luck.

OP-like others I would urge you to tell someone about how you are feeling tonight. Tell DP if you can. These thoughts and feelings might not feel bad or harmful but they are unusual for you and as someone who has just ha a baby that is a concern. Listen to the advice of people here-they have your best interests at heart.

Emerging it is good that you asked for advice and that you wanted to hear from others here.

I really think you should be brave and chat to someone as soon as possible about your experience and your feelings. I am very sure that your close family would want you to open up to them about this now.

Emerging, out of interest how does missalarms post strike you? Do you see what we're trying to say?

It could very well be nothing, but there's also the possibility that some sort of professional advice could be nothing but beneficial.

I'm a doctor with considerable psychiatric experience, and you are clearly very ill, although it won't seem like that to you. Please please seek help, or at the very least show your DH this thread.

Emerging firstly, i really hope nothing that anybody has said has frightened you or panicked you. you've not long had a baby and i believe it can do strange things to us, hormones everywhere, lack of sleep etc... you're not "crazy" to feel the way you are feeling, but i do think you need to speak to somebody and see it from another perspective.

i'm a spiritual person and i so believe that death is a transition, but i also believe that you are certainly not at that point in your life and you shouldn't be feeling the way you are. you cannot accept any invitation that you feel you are receiving. you have a beautiful baby that loves and needs you so much.

please, even though you feel very happy & peaceful, speak to your husband or a family member tonight, and see your GP in the morning, just to double check that you are not a little too overwhelmed at the moment. if it turns out that you are, it is easily sorted. xx

Missalarmclockhater you were strong enough to post on a forum to a bunch of strangers.

Just keep that in mind.

Emerging, I cannot stress this too highly - YOU ARE NOT RECEIVING AN INVITATION.

Death is not a nice little transition, it is the end of your life and the people who live you will be destroyed forever.

You are very ill my love and it's not your fault but you MUST get help.

Peppermintlatte and any other 'spiritual' people, please stay off this thread, this is too fucking serious to mess about with.

Rhinestone how dare you tell me to stay off this thread. i am more than aware it is a VERY serious matter. i feel the the OP might be slightly terrified and overwhelmed by everything being said, we are all giving different perspectives and wording it in different ways, but i think you'll find that we are ALL trying to encourage her to get help.

I agree Rhinestone. No journey, no revelation, no woo. Just darkness forever. And your children with no Mother. Get help now please.

Emerging, just another thought: the simple fact that you posted your OP suggests to me that you do have niggling doubts about the 'rightness' of what you are feeling.
Trust that instinct that something is not right and speak to someone in RL.

You are the Centre of the Universe for your LO - even if there were any kind of 'invitation', now is not the time to consider accepting it.

Please, emerging, please show this thread to your husband or a health professional.

If you are suffering from peurperal psychosis, your feelings of calmness and serenity could rapidly alter into psychosis, delusions and paranoia within the space of a few days.

PLEASE get some help.

I have a strong inner voice, a sense of connection to the universe and I have never heard an invitation to go anywhere before.

I strongly urge you to see your GP, if it was me I would suspect disorder or an organic problem (tumour). I am a therapist so I limit my advice to about what I would do and what I would worry about for me.

Peppermintlatte - the reason I asked you to stay off this thread is simple -

The vast majority of us are trying to make the OP see that her experience is not normal or safe. She is possibly very ill to the extent that her life is in danger. We therefore don't want her to think there is any rational reason for her thoughts in case she succumbs to them.

We don't want her to think that she's having a 'spiritual' experience because that risks normalising her feelings and making them seem exciting as well as safe.

We don't want her to think that death is a 'transition' or a 'journey' because that makes it seem like an adventure or an interesting experience and in her current state of mind that's a very dangerous thing for her to think.

So that's how I 'dare' ask you to stay off this thread.

Can people bare in mind that no-one has attempted to reinforce emerging, this thread has been fairly gentle up to a point, the fact is we all have our opinion and the op's is that she has experienced something gentle and positive, I think we should respect that even if we're disagreeing.

Are you suggesting someone should reinforce it?

Rhinestone if you read my post you will see that i don't at any point tell her that she is just having a spiritual experience, nor do i tell her or hint that she is on a journey - she isn't.

i explained that i am spiritual and that i believe death is a transition, i don't want her to feel she is the only one, however, i do want her to know & i told her that she needs to speak to her GP, i believe it is beneficial for somebody who is "spiritual" to suggest this to her, rather than just the posters who are saying "death is final, nothing else happens etc.." we are all asking her to seek help, even though we all have different beliefs. maybe that will help her to understand that we are all speaking sense and that we all care.

Laurie! I cannot see how your post will be helpful!

Peppermint latte is putting across a point from the same side emergine is on. It was not reinforcing and more than two Christians agreeing there is a god.

She followed the same leads everyone else has on here. It was bravd of her to offer that.

Hoping the absence of the OP means she is talking to her DH.

I think you definately need to have a chat with someone about this, pref your gp. I agree with most that this should be presumed MH first and foremost, when your MH is problematic from what i understand, most dont realise till they are told by a dr, ie they may feel fine until told theyre not.

Secondly I would always take gut instinct or odd feelings seriously, if nothing else I urge you to get a thorough medical examination just in case this is some kind of warning from within you that something is medically wrong.

Please seek help asap op

Not what I was suggesting at all, just trying to keep the tone of the thread away from arguing amongst ourselves tbh.

Please listen to the posters on this thread OP and seek help immediately.

I know you might feel stable right now but this could soon change.

Please go to your GP or get an emergency appointment at the main hospital.