I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guilty08]

I have PND and i had to come off of my last tablets as i had horrific side effects, I am now on new tablets to try. I feel like an experiment to see how my body will react to the tablets as opposed to recieving help.

My HV came round AFTER 7 MONTHS OF ME ASKING and told me that i was looking after my baby wrong and that i should do something about my PND (I had already gone to the GP and just started taking my anti-depressants) She told me things that i need to change so i changed EVERYTHING i done EVERYTHING she wanted me too and it wasnt an easy ride, I had an unhappy baby because his routine was completely changed. She said she would come and see me in 2 weeks, 2 WEEKS AGO! I rang and said i was expecting a visit and the HV's said that they would get back to me I HAVE HEARD NOTHING.

I cant stop eating! I am 21 stone and 22 years old. I WANT to change but i seriously cant stop eating!

I have no friends and i do not want to go to baby groups (which i dont know anything about anyway as the HV said that she would get the childrens centre to ring me and tell me where it is and what times i should come as i am new to the area) as i have panick attacks when i go out as i am sure people are judging me. I went out for the first time twice a day to the park last week and there was a group of women (About 10) sitting with there babies whilst i was in a corner on my own, I felt VERY panicky so i walked home after 30 minutes.

There is no point in me being here! No-one would miss me because i dont see anyone anyway, My DH shows no interest in sex and when i ring my family to talk they say "I dont want to talk for long"

So what is the point?

Ive tryed to get help, The HV said "You need to get out if you have PND" I explained that i had panick attacks when i did and she said "You cant think about yourself you need to get out with your DS without making excuses for yourself"

Is PND not a big deal? Obvious i was mistaken when i thought that it was.

There is nothing to live for anymore.

I think DD had a similar schedule to your DS at that age. I would ignore the HV and in fact, I would tell her never to darken my door again!

DD at 18m still has two bottles a day. It suits her, and it suits us. She is a healthy weight and eats well so I have no concerns.

I wonder if you may need your ADs changing? The ones you have do not sound particularly helpful but I also wonder if you can give a brand name perhaps other posters may have used them and can offer some help/advice on that?

As several posters here have said, you need to focus on getting your mind/spirit in the right place before you tackle anything else.
Regarding what you said about your DH's ex - can you block her emails? She sounds like a very spiteful character, and one that you don't need to be dealing with.

Yes - goodness knows why people are focussing on your weight - it is a symptom of your feelings not the cause! If you could resolve some other stuff, you would probably feel the desire to eat less and get out and about more which would help the weight come off naturally anyway.

That said, it does cheer the spirit to be out of the house, getting some fresh air. However you are uncomfortable around people. Is there anywhere you could go for some solitary-ness. Like somewhere outdoors but where few people are likely? The wind in your hair might just make that day a little better. And when you are feeling as low as you are, you need to take it day by day.

I have 13 mo twins and they have your DS's original schedule. It sounds like you had found what works for your DS until the HV stepped in.

Also, Homestart was an absolute godsend for me. They will send a lovely person to your home and together you will decide what sort of support you need/want. I was nervous to go out to parent/baby groups so I got help with that. But they could do any number of things, even just coming over and having a cup of tea with you.

Life can seem very bleak when dealing with depression. I'm still struggling with my treatment but it's getting better. It is a treatable disease. And it helps so much to have a GP that takes it seriously. Do you feel up to looking for another GP or telling your current GP that you need a referral?

Homestart

Massive hugs first of all xxxx

Do not ever worry about a rubbish family. You have your own family now. I used to cry my eyes out and wonder why my parents didn't love me but now none of it matters because I love DD.

Sudden weight gain is horrific but do not fall into the trap of not caring, wear makeup, perfume, nice clothes (ebay for them then send to charity shops as you lose the weight!)

But you need proper medical help first xx

Hey OP,

I felt similar to you after the birth of my DS, my weight was similar, I felt I could do nothing right and I had moved to new area so was pretty lonely.

Also, DS always seemed to want his dad more than me and it hurt badly.

Things that helped me were:
joining slimming world (still nowhere near goal weight mind!) but I made friends and got out of the house and it gave me something to focus on that was all about me. DS did come along to group quite often, and there were plenty of lovely people who would hold him/feed him/ make a fuss of him while I had a cuppa.

Getting into a routine with DS, I Gina Forded - I was criticised harshly by many including my health visitor. I kept on with it until I started to realise what DS needed without the book! He is 3 and still has milk 3x per day and is fine on the height/weight scale. Do what you think is right with regards to feeding/naps etc.

I walked, a lot! Any time I was feeling low I would pop DS into his buggy and wander about. It really is much better than sitting around. Often I bumped into people from Slimming World or a neighbour and having a 5 minute chat with someone was a nice little lift.

I know this wont solve all of your problems, but it's just things that helped me feel a bit better. DS is now 3 and adores me, which I couldn't have imagined 2-2.5 years ago.

Hope things are better for you soon and remember that you are important xx

You don't want to be dead.

What you want is to not feel like this any more. To be the person you were.

But because you can't see through the fog to see how to be that person again - you think the only way out is to die. It isn't, please, I promise you it isn't.

If you had 2 choices - to be slim, happy, sex, going out, friends, feeling confident and vibrant... or to be dead - which would you choose?

If the former - then that's proof that you don't want to die!

If it's the latter - then call for help now.

I said earlier that I had had pnd & mhp. I've posted about this before. I had post natal psychosis. I also, years earlier, tried to kill myself several times and ended up being sectioned.

I thought I wanted to die. I said I wanted to die. I didn't. I just couldn't bear the pain any more and I wanted it to stop and the only way I could think of to not feel any more was to not be here.

I am SO glad that I didn't succeed. So glad. And now I can see that I didn't want to be dead. I didn't want my life. Those are not the same thing.

You can, with help, support, love and time, change your life. If you die - that's it. Game over.

Kids do appear to have strong faves between their parents at times. My DS (24mo) was utterly obsessed by me and would scream and avoid if DH tried to do anything I was supposed to do, like tuck him up, clean his teeth anything at all etc.

In fact he behaved as though he hated him and was only happy with him if I was not around (I would study upstairs and hear them giggling away while DS thought I was gone) but the second I turned up DS would ignore/actively avoid his dad. He would refuse him hugs and kisses too.

Poor DH felt awful and really thought his son didn't like him. :( I was asking all and sundry if this was a phase he would grow out of etc - really felt for DH.

Fast forward all of 2 months and now they are practically joined at the hip. We haven't changed anything, how we are or what we do, DS just stopped having a massive preference and now is loving with us both.

So, don't let the fact that your ds seems to prefer the company of his Dad at the moment persuade you into thinking you don't matter. You do, really really matter. :)

Seek help again, request to see another GP. It is his job to help you, you are being given inadequate care. I too had PND three years ago and had to see two doctors before I got the help I needed.

Get hold of a copy of This Morning's book, 'Overcome Your Postnatal Depression'. I stumbled across it in the library. It is fantastic, easy to read and digest. Try to get out at least once a day, even if it is just to the local shop. A day spent at home is a lot longer than one broken up with activity.

I too felt like it would be better if I disappeared. It wouldn't have been and neither would it be better for you. You need professional help and I believe that it is now recognised that counselling and drugs are the best cures for depression. Those treatments are your right.

Hi there. I am afraid I haven't read all your replies, so sorry if I repeat.
I have been taking AD'S for about 5 weeks now and believe they take a good 5 or 6 weeks to get into your system. I haven't got pnd, but feeling really shit for other reasons, anxiety etc. I have social phobia too. Any way, what I am trying to say is, once you have been taking them a bit longer I am sure you will start to feel more positive about things and perhaps will want to go out more. So give it a little longer.
Have you thought about hypnotherapy for your social problems. I have a hypnotist lined up, I am not ready quite yet, but have read a lot about it, and Have found a lovely lady. Just want to be on ad's a bit longer before I take the next step.
As for the HV, I really don't have that much faith in them ( but am sure there are good ones about) Mine wasn't helpful, and to be quite honest, as a parent you go with your own instinct. You know your child better than any one. You do what works best for you. Every situation is different, every mother and baby is different, as long as your baby is happy, putting on weight, clean and cared for and loved, that is what counts.
I wish you lots of luck, carry on with the ad's and I am sure things will get better.