I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guilty08]

I have PND and i had to come off of my last tablets as i had horrific side effects, I am now on new tablets to try. I feel like an experiment to see how my body will react to the tablets as opposed to recieving help.

My HV came round AFTER 7 MONTHS OF ME ASKING and told me that i was looking after my baby wrong and that i should do something about my PND (I had already gone to the GP and just started taking my anti-depressants) She told me things that i need to change so i changed EVERYTHING i done EVERYTHING she wanted me too and it wasnt an easy ride, I had an unhappy baby because his routine was completely changed. She said she would come and see me in 2 weeks, 2 WEEKS AGO! I rang and said i was expecting a visit and the HV's said that they would get back to me I HAVE HEARD NOTHING.

I cant stop eating! I am 21 stone and 22 years old. I WANT to change but i seriously cant stop eating!

I have no friends and i do not want to go to baby groups (which i dont know anything about anyway as the HV said that she would get the childrens centre to ring me and tell me where it is and what times i should come as i am new to the area) as i have panick attacks when i go out as i am sure people are judging me. I went out for the first time twice a day to the park last week and there was a group of women (About 10) sitting with there babies whilst i was in a corner on my own, I felt VERY panicky so i walked home after 30 minutes.

There is no point in me being here! No-one would miss me because i dont see anyone anyway, My DH shows no interest in sex and when i ring my family to talk they say "I dont want to talk for long"

So what is the point?

Ive tryed to get help, The HV said "You need to get out if you have PND" I explained that i had panick attacks when i did and she said "You cant think about yourself you need to get out with your DS without making excuses for yourself"

Is PND not a big deal? Obvious i was mistaken when i thought that it was.

There is nothing to live for anymore.

Fair enough, Guilty -- only thinking that on some of the other boards you might find people who had been in a similar situation and could offer some guidance based on experience.

Your GP sounds less than useless - I am wondering if it might be possible to see a different one (it if is a practice with several) or change to someone who would be able to give you the help and support you need?

Scarlet's suggestion of on-line forums is a good one. Or have you thought of phoning the Samaritans? They are non-judgemental, and they would be happy just to listen.

Good point from Dairy too - what did the HV suggest you change? Seeing as you already have one child, it's not as if you don't know what to do.

It feels to me as if your depression and lowered self-esteem are being further battered by those whose profession is to help, and I am sorry for that. :(
Hecate has put the whole thing perfectly.

These emails about your H - are they all from the same person (ie his XW)? It could be that part of your stress is due to the fact that an individual is bullying you. It's horrid to be stalked/harassed online even when the rest of your life is not too bad; if you're trying to cope with a new baby and PND and health issues as well it's no wornder you are getting stressed. If these emails are all from the same person and you know who it is, a stern letter saying 'Stop or the police will be involved' should make this person back off, it is harassment.

Guilty08 you have plenty to live for. A lovely baby who loves you beyond belief and you would be missed more than you can ever imagine. I can sympathise with you as I have PND to a less extreme case. You do not need to loose any weight, you need to eat to function for baby's sake.

I know it is harder said then done but things take time and you need support. Could you not speak to your mother? She might be critical but she might be the very person to help and shed some light on things.

You need a new GP and HV as they are not being supportive from what you have said. Can you ask the GP about a referal to your local Mental Health team (I have been in the past and they can really help.) they offer support and practical help and advice.

I was in a situation were I tried to take my life a few times before I saught help (before DP and DS) the old clichied ways champagne and pills. Trust me it really isn't the answer and you will not believe how much people love you, and want what is best for you.

You can email the Samaritans too if you can't face talking [email protected]

Your son's life would be so much worse without you it really really would. He loves you and he needs you.

Your son will not be better off without you. That is your illness talking. Don't listen to it, it's all lies.

On a practical level -- block that woman's email address so she can't reach you.

You have challenges in all these different areas, but it sounds like the root problem is the anxiety/panic attacks/PND. If you can sort that out, then you would have the strength to tackle everything else -- you could tell your family to eff off, you could get back to the gym, go out and do stuff with DS.

So try to forget about everything else you 'need' to do for a while and just concentrate on getting better and healthier. You can't do everything at once, just focus on one thing. I think your priority has to be getting some counselling or finding a support group. Just work on that for right now.

OK. If your weight has rocketed so much from a healthy weight to 22 stone in less than two years, your family ARE going to be concerned about your health.

It is also possible that their comments are to maybe shock you into stopping eating so much, because they can see the damage that you are doing to your body, and see how unhappy you are. If you are already depressed, it will be hard to see their comments as anything but criticism, even when it isnt.

Do you think that your husband is cheating on you? If your relationship with him is crap, and he is treating you badly and not being supportive, then that will also add to your anxiety and depression.

Suicide is NOT the answer to any of this though. You need some proper support, and it is out there, it is available.

You are stuck in a vicious cycle at the moment that you can get out of. You can get back to the gym, swimming and a healthy life.

And if your husband is a major part of all this problem, then seriously consider telling him to sling his hook, and put yourself and your child first.

hey hun. im so sorry you feel like this. i know you cant help the way you feel and you feel you have nothing to live for, your beautiful baby loves you so much although you might not realise. when i was depressed my fiance seemed to have had enough of me because he disnt actually understand the whole 'depression' thing. he thought it was an excuse to be miserable. with depression you cant control your feelings. i also get panick attacks, but it is good to get out. just take one step at a time. go out for a five min walk, then 10, then 15. i used to be suicidal and now i get upset thinking what i would have thrown away and how it would have made other people feel. i know it doesnt feel like it now but i promise it will get better! it really will and one.day you will feel.like me and be so happy that you are still alive with your lovely child who will love you forever xxx

Oh and if those emails are from the same person or you think they are ring 101 and get the police to come and look at them and say you want a restraining order.

Or, as a first step do what My friend did when he was getting harassing phone calls but didn't know who from, he let everyone know text/fb etc that he'd been receiving them and had referred them all to the police. The harassment stopped.

If you can afford to pay for counselling you can find a local councillor here

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

Many do concessions

Lots of great advice here. Something my Mum once said to me when I was in a dark place was to stop looking at every all at once. It's scary to do that. Break it down into smaller pieces and deal with it one step at a time. Try and do something little each day (or even each week if that's too much). Even if it's TINY. The whole time you are making positive steps...even if they are baby steps...then YOU are in control.

My DS has lost a pound in weight since following the HV's advice.

He had...

Bottle
Breakfast
Lunch
Bottle
Dinner
Bottle
Bed

He now has...

Breakfast
lunch
dinner
Bottle
Bed

Totally different foods, She commented about me having a stairgate from the living room to the hallway (We have no stairs, we live in a flat)

She said i weigh to much and criticised what i ate (Mostly processed foods) saying i was too big and thats why i dont want to go out.

So obviously i am a bad mum.

I seriously dont want to be here, I cannot stress that enough.

I dont know what my GP meant by "Ring A&E if your suicidal thoughts get any worse"

She said that i done my sons health no good and i put him im harm so she was called following a visit to A&E (He banged his head) and i need to be more responsibe for him and myself.

My son wont remember me anyway.

Hello OP
so sorry to hear you are feeling like this - the Mumsnetters on this thread are right though, your DS needs you.
In the meantime, we will move this thread out of AIBU for you, it really isn't the best place for it.
Do seek some help in RL too won't you?
All best to you
MNHQ

no way are you a bad mum. you are doing everything you have been advised by your HV that shows you are a great mum as you are doing everything you can for your baby. x i think your HV should be more sensitive towarda you, i do not like the sound of her at all. maybe you could talk to someone and see if you can have someone else. xxx

Guilty08 Please don't concentrate on the bad things, your HV sounds a little compleatly evil. You do need to concetrate on being well and happy for your son but the way to do that is to concentrate on yourself first.

I stuggled with social anxiety when I moved to a new country, I joined a weight watchers group as I wasn't happy with my weight and it made me feel like people were looking at me (I am now sure they were not people are too busy worrying about how they look to look at other people) I felt really welcomed there. The day time meetings usually have a couple of mums and little babies and everyone is so lovely and welcoming, cuddling the baby whilst mum was weighed and so on. That could work for you as a way to get out without the preasure of competative new mums?

Do you have loads of pics of your baby? maybe take a few mins to sit and look at photos from new born up to where your DS is now. You helped him get to where he is now, you have helped him learn everything! You are amazing and your DS loves you so so much.

I'm so sorry you feel so bad.

I put on weight with ADs and put on three stone with HRT, so I know how awful it is to have a sudden weight gain.

If you were previously a healthy weight, you probably haven't been to Slimming World. There are some people in a class I went to who go to a different class every day (Monday to Friday) to keep control of what they eat. They just pay once a week and are weighed once a week, but they go to several classes a week to help them stay motivated.

You are so young and we are all feeling for you, that you are so unhappy.

Please ask if you can change to a different health visitor. Try to join something like Slimming World so that you can keep track of your weight.

Is your husband good to talk to? Does he understand you?

Guildy08 he will miss you and he will miss you every single day of his life. There won't be a single time that he won't want his mum around, no matter how old he gets.

THIS will pass, THIS will get better.

An HV isn't god. They don't know you and they don't know everything. I have heard appalling advice from some HVs and midwifes.

Follow your heart and follow your instincts. He is your son, and you are the only mother he'll ever have, and he loves you completely, totally and unconditionally. You are the best mum that little lad will EVER have in his life.

You are depressed, very depressed. PND is a big deal.

HUGS

Guilty Please let us know where you are. You sound like a great mum just trying to do your best and there will probably be mumsnetters near you who can help with information. Your HV sounds like a bitch tbh and not at all suited to the profession.

Your weight has nothing to do with her she can't decide that why you dont want to go out. It's your pnd and anxiety. You need to focus on your mental health before anything else.

Guilty You can't be alone feeling like this - I bet there are other people you could meet who could be mutually supportive and understand how you feel. When your DH takes your ds out, can you go out then alone and do something nice for you? Or does that also bring panic on?

I am sure you have many excellent qualities which you are forgetting under the weight of all the stuff making you unhappy.

Your HV sounds spectacularly unhelpful. I am pretty sure my ds was still getting 3 bottles at the same age - there is no should about it really, milk isn't junk food!

My DS had the same schedule as yours at 13 months I think (3 bottles a day). You can go back to that if you think it's best.

Your son would always remember he had a mother, and that she left him when he needed her most. He would perhaps blame himself for it his entire life. I have a friend whose mother killed herself when he was young, it really did mess him up for his entire life. I'm sorry to be harsh but believe me, you would not be doing your son any favours by disappearing. You would be giving him all sorts of problems and then not be around to make it better or take it back.

I'm not sure if it's been mentioned already, but have you contacted homestart? It can be a life saver having a regular person come to your house.

I'm so sorry, I was on ADs for a year and I know how debilitating depression is, as I didn't want to go anywhere and ate for comfort I hope the new tablets help x

You have a very bad GP and hv. They should be helping you.

You need to be referred to a cpn.

OP - your DS DOES need you. Children whose parents abandon them through suicide are affected for life.

Your HV and Dr sound awful. Please kick arse/make a complaint/ask for a new one (asking for a second opinion might be the way to go). You sound as though you need enouragement and a bit of support, not a 'telling off'. I honestly can't believe they are focusing on your weight when you have so much other stuff going on in your life.

If you were as dreadful a mum as you say you are, you wouldn't be posting on here about it. Good luck OP

Can't add much to what has been said but so sorry you feel like this. It may not feel like it now, but with help you can get through this. Your son loves you more than anyone else in the world, and it is clear you love him to.
Please consider ringing samaritans.