this is what's wrong with my life. how can i start to tackle any of it?

[superfrenchie1]

having a bad day. can't stop crying. i don't know where to begin or where to go for help. this is the list of the things i'd like to change. if you have any ideas i would be so so grateful. i am feeling very very low and alone and just dont know where to turn. ok here goes:

• me and 2 dcs live in a shabby, untidy rented 2 bed flea-infested flat
• this flat costs me 1100 pounds every month, over half of my salary
• dd and ds share a box room with just enough room for bunk beds and no floor space (and FLEAS, ugh)
• all the kids' friends live in big houses that they OWN which are tastefully decorated. my kids dont understand why they dont have a proper home. i grew up in a middle class family - the guilt that my children are worse off than me, and dont have a stable home, is unbearable
• dd goes to school every day covered in flea bites. it looks like chicken pox.
• i owe so many people money. thousands. they keep sending me bailiff letters saying i have to go to court etc, and i just ignore them. my credit rating has been shit for years
• i have no savings. none. havent been abroad for 10 yrs. dcs have never been on foreign holiday.
• i have a full time job BUT i can't do it. it's too difficult. i put on a brave face but i cant cope, its too stressful ad i dont have enough time to do the job - i have to pick the kids up from school at 3.30 3 days a week - its all getting too much and thethought of work makes me panic
• i cant leave my job because then i wont have any money and wont be able to pay rent
• if i voluntarily leave my job i cant get any benefits
• i get no help at all from anwhere. i owe the child tax credits people 2K that they are chasing me for from 2005 when ds was small. i get nothing. i earn 30K plus so i'm not eligible for any financial help
• i left my ex 2 years ago but he is still controlling my life & criticising me every day and i have to do most of the childcare, child-rearing, pay for the fter school clubs / trips / uniforms etc
• i'm overweight. disgusting. obese. greasy & unwashed. every time i see a picture of myself i just want to hook a belt over the door and round my neck and end it all. i have no time or money to spend on myself
• i dont have any close friends. i dont fit in with the yummy mummies (all thin, coiffed, home-owning) and my old friends dont have kids and are off having careers and buying their first houses & getting engaged (i had kids young, i'm early 30s) so i have drifted apart. i literally have no-one i can call for a chat apart from the controlling ex. i have no time or money to try new activities / catch up with mates. every evening i have to log on and work when the kids are asleep. i'm permanently exhausted & rushing. no support from family.

sorry. it feels better to have written that down. it feels completely impossible to tackle. if you were in my situation, where would you start? i will be so grateful for any ideas, i've been so brave and strong for 2 years but my situation's not improved and now i'm really struggling. thanks for reading

Does the school your children attend have a Community Link Worker? Have you approached a parenting charity? Would your parents help?

The best thing to do would be to sort out your flat. Give it a deep clean, paint, etc. I get the feeling you prob don't have the energy for it though.

Could you be depressed? Maybe see your GP?

thanks stargirl, yes was thinking GP. they'll prob prescribe ADs. i`ve been on them before and was offered them about a year ago. maybe this time i will say yes.

you`re right i have no energy at all for cleaning or tidying, or anything in fact.

my parents are no help, ive tried. i dont know if the school has a community link worker but i will try to find out. thank you so so much, it means a lot and i already feel more hopeful althogh the challenge is finding the time and energy to do these things and follow through with them.

Gosh such a long list - no wonder you are feeling totally intimidated by it all.

My first suggestion would be your GP, can you talk to him/her. Are you depressed? Can they sign you off work for a few weeks so you can get on top a little.

After that the next thing I would tackle would be the fleas. You can buy flea bombs which you basically light in a room and it kills everything in the room. Leave door shut for I think 4 hours. I speak from bitter experience here but we got a point where we were totally infested with fleas. If money is tight could you ask your GP for help.

Agree about sorting your flat. I always feel better if my home is tidy - its easier to think more clearly. Then get thee to a citizens advice bureau and take all those demanding letters and details of all your finances - absolutely everything. They will help you to sort out the debt problems. It'll just get worse if you ignore it. Once you've got that sorted I imagine you may feel much more in control and be able to look at other areas of your life and how to change them. Doing it all at once will be too difficult and overwhelming but hopefully sorting those two things out will help you feel a bit better.

familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-help-line

im going to call these people in a bit when ive stopped crying so much. (sorry can`t do links as i have a dodgy keyboard)

Oh superfrenchie, that all sounds overwhelming. I'm not sure I can be any help, but what you said about not feeling up to scratch with all the super-groomed, home-owning yummies struck a chord with me.

Please be kind to yourself and find anything you can that will make you feel happy, look out for any inexpensive or free things you can go to to escape for a few hours.

And maybe go for some ADs -sometimes they just help to get you through to the next phase.

I hope things improve for you very soon x

thank you thank you bananacrepe and whyme for your help and suggestions. ive tried flea sprays for the home from the vets but will try the bombs as well. i need to get better at hoovering every day as well. and yes the CAB i should have been to but struggled to find the time to go as i always have to be either at work or with teh kids. my work is really demanding. i have decided to call in sick tomorrow as its teacher training day at dc`s school and i have no-one to look after the dcs (no friends - i really, really miss a support network) and that is making me stressed and miserable as i will have to catch up on work when i eventually do go back and will miss deadlines... thank you again

thanks weasel x

• BIG can of flea-killer. £12 of Johnson's household brand sorted us last summer and there is loads left over for next time.

• Think about your diet: not to lose weight specifically but to tackle your lack of energy while still eating cheaply. Probably seems like a massive thing to even think about and easier to eat whatever's to hand. Multivitamins & iron are my friends, too - so if diet goes wonky at least I'm getting what I need.

• Book an appointment with Citizens Advice to talk finances, and take a day's holiday so you're not trying to squeeze it in around everything else.

• Make a friend at work. There must be at least one nice person there, and probably lots. Just idle chat around the tea-making helps you feel you exist - and there may be someone there who would love to help (but not in a controlling way or anything, a nice way).

Good luck!!!! I hope this is the darkest time, before the dawn.

Just wanted to add a bit more support. Make a little list of things to do each day then it seems more manageable. Keep posting you will get good advice on here

You poor thing. This is a hell of a lot to tackle. The positive thing is that even ONE thing tackled on this list is going to make you feel better.

I'd agree with the GP first. What time do you have to get to work? Can you call them at 8.30 and make an appointment? Could the children go to after school club for one afternoon?

Secondly talk to your manager and see if there is anything that can be done about your current workload. Sometimes if you ask, they come up with something. Even if all they do is reassure you that it genuinely is OK to work your contracted hours, that might take a tiny bit off your stress load? Maybe there's a staff member that something could be delegated to? Try to let this happen - much better to risk this now than have a more serious problem later.

Thirdly make an appointment with the CAB for debt advice. Ignoring all those letters is adding hugely to your cloud of stress.

Fourthly, fleas... you've mentioned them so many times, they are clearly very near the top of your list at the moment. Call your landlord and say that you are going to ring the council environmental health about them, and is that OK? I'd be amazed if s/he said no at that point. Then do ring them and get advice. If no joy, then is there anyone at all who could give you a visit from Rentokil as a birthday present??

i sometimes think of marching up to social services and just saying, hello, i need a bit of help... but im not sure if i would be (a) making things worse or (b) wasting their time. or both. and i dont know exactly what help i need.

basically i just need to win the lottery. i fantasise every day about handing in my notice at work. and house-hunting. and taking my dcs on a proper summer holiday.

i get really miserable when i do buy a ticket and don`t win, it feels like the end of the world. this is so not the life i imagined i would have.

Whereabouts in the country are you frenchie??

I'm in the South East if you wanted to meet up for coffee and to offload. I've been there

(((((((hugs))))))))))

when we had fleas the only think that got rid was rentokil tbh, after we spent a fortune on other stuff, get rid of fleas, you will start to feel better straught away.

YY contact the landlord re the fleas.

Do you have pets????

ah thank you thank you for all the messages. x-posts. i work less than my contracted hours which is why i dont manage to stay on tp of the work, my team are already overloaded (ìm a manager) and my own boss is just going off sick for some long term problem.

yes the fleas are horrible. i just sprayed again and will tackle them as a priority.

i`m a bit pathetic - and v embarrassed - there are loads of things wrong with my flat (the light in the kids room hasnt worked for 2 years, the washing machine gets stuck halfway through every wash and has to be switched on to rinse, etc etc) but i am too scared to call the landlord because the flat is such a mess. cluttered. i have too much stuff for this flat - books, clothes, etc. boxes line the hallway and i never ever invite people round. if i keep going this way i will be on the hoarder next door. i disgust myself...

catinboots, i have a cat... had been spotting him monthly with frontline to prevent fleas but somehow they have got into teh house... now he is in a flea collar.

i am in london.

duke - i have multivitamins but never take them - thank you for the great suggestions. off to take one now, and an iron tablet. and yes i do usually have faith that things will work out. i just need to hang in there through this bit.

Where are the fleas coming from? Do you have a cat?

x post

soveryhard, sounds like rentokil might be the way to go - i really want rid of these little blighters - will investigate prices. they keep increasing the credit limit on my credit card (now 5K!) at some stupid rate of interest on purchases but i could use that if i needed - i need to properly clean my flat first though...

superfrenchie, the elegant homeowners you feel out of place with may well be in negative equity, dealing with a child of 8 who still pees the bed every night, a husband who is having a psychotic episode, bits of broken stuff everywhere and bloodstains on the floor from 2 weeks ago. (some of those are true of me, some not). I don't like having people round either due to some of these problems. I babysit for a few people round here and have occasionally opened the wrong door when trying to find the loo. It's amazing what people who are apparently coping are dealing with... but you know that.

What I would say is that you are a single parent with a high-level job and two kids who I have no doubt see that you are busting a gut for them, every day.

Well, you need to call your manager's manager and raise the alarm. They have already got a key member of staff off on sick leave and they need to know in a very factual way that unless they put in some support now, they are going to have at least one more.

You sound more positive already. You can do it!

You poor thing, I really hope things get better for you soon. That's so tough, why don't your family help you? How were you brought up? Any siblings?

thank you joan.

my 8 year old ds wets the bed every night!! nearly 9 and i can count the number of dry nights hes had on 10 fingers. and i have bloodstains on the net curtains from about a year ago when the cat brought in a dead bird and flung it around a bit! havent even tried to shift them. an i have the psychotic ex, the broken stuff... all apart from the negative equity although i do have a very stressful property owning situation as me and the ex bought a shared ownership property together but i moved out as he was violent and controlling (and i didnt get any help with that from anyone either) - i cant persuae him to move out and sell up and we dont have the money to sell anyway and he has nowhere else to live etc -

sorry that sounds miserable - its just that everything that can go wrong does seem to go wrong sometimes!

Ok - declutter.

I feel like that - totally overwhelmed by STUFF, chances are - if it's in a box, you don't need it.

So it's one box/carrier bag at a time.

3 black bags (strong) 1 keep, 1 charity shop, 1 bin.

Don't look at big picture, just look at each individual box.

If you haven't used it for 6 months (and it's not seasonal), bin or charity shop.

Debt - apply for a creation card at 0% - I did and they gave me a 7k limit when everyone else said no.

Once you are on top of flat - then look at others in your area - that's a huge rent - could you find 1 nestlings with huge living room and make it cheaper??

Deep breath and 1 step at a time.