this is what's wrong with my life. how can i start to tackle any of it?

[superfrenchie1]

having a bad day. can't stop crying. i don't know where to begin or where to go for help. this is the list of the things i'd like to change. if you have any ideas i would be so so grateful. i am feeling very very low and alone and just dont know where to turn. ok here goes:

• me and 2 dcs live in a shabby, untidy rented 2 bed flea-infested flat
• this flat costs me 1100 pounds every month, over half of my salary
• dd and ds share a box room with just enough room for bunk beds and no floor space (and FLEAS, ugh)
• all the kids' friends live in big houses that they OWN which are tastefully decorated. my kids dont understand why they dont have a proper home. i grew up in a middle class family - the guilt that my children are worse off than me, and dont have a stable home, is unbearable
• dd goes to school every day covered in flea bites. it looks like chicken pox.
• i owe so many people money. thousands. they keep sending me bailiff letters saying i have to go to court etc, and i just ignore them. my credit rating has been shit for years
• i have no savings. none. havent been abroad for 10 yrs. dcs have never been on foreign holiday.
• i have a full time job BUT i can't do it. it's too difficult. i put on a brave face but i cant cope, its too stressful ad i dont have enough time to do the job - i have to pick the kids up from school at 3.30 3 days a week - its all getting too much and thethought of work makes me panic
• i cant leave my job because then i wont have any money and wont be able to pay rent
• if i voluntarily leave my job i cant get any benefits
• i get no help at all from anwhere. i owe the child tax credits people 2K that they are chasing me for from 2005 when ds was small. i get nothing. i earn 30K plus so i'm not eligible for any financial help
• i left my ex 2 years ago but he is still controlling my life & criticising me every day and i have to do most of the childcare, child-rearing, pay for the fter school clubs / trips / uniforms etc
• i'm overweight. disgusting. obese. greasy & unwashed. every time i see a picture of myself i just want to hook a belt over the door and round my neck and end it all. i have no time or money to spend on myself
• i dont have any close friends. i dont fit in with the yummy mummies (all thin, coiffed, home-owning) and my old friends dont have kids and are off having careers and buying their first houses & getting engaged (i had kids young, i'm early 30s) so i have drifted apart. i literally have no-one i can call for a chat apart from the controlling ex. i have no time or money to try new activities / catch up with mates. every evening i have to log on and work when the kids are asleep. i'm permanently exhausted & rushing. no support from family.

sorry. it feels better to have written that down. it feels completely impossible to tackle. if you were in my situation, where would you start? i will be so grateful for any ideas, i've been so brave and strong for 2 years but my situation's not improved and now i'm really struggling. thanks for reading

You poor thing, it sounds overwhelming.

I am struggling to understand why you are paying a fortune for a tiny flat while your ex is living in the (presumably jointly owned) marital home.

Have you had any legal advice at all?

I think you really need to contact womens aid and find out what your rights are, because this doesn't sound right at all.

You mentioned that you are paying for everything WRT the DC, and doing all the transporting and helping with ex's access time.

Why is he not selling the house and splitting the proceeds?
Why is he not contributing his fair share to costs?
Why is he not collecting and dropping his children when he has his time with them?

I feel so angry on your behalf.

3littlefrogs Yes I am angry too! Her EX s taking the piss, and seperfrenchie you know it.

This week--
Call CAB and make and app
Call Womans Aid and get some good advice.
Make a GPs app
Fill one black bag of rubbish/charity shop stuff

On lots of sticky post it notes write positive statements and reminders to yourself like these--
I am a fantastic mum
Tell Ex "No that doesn't work for me"
I am a successful career woman"

Just think, if you were not pissing about after your Ex and doing everything for him, then you would have more time to do so many other things! You will get there. We are all rooting for you!!

I know everyone is trying to be helpful - but .....

The OP has a cat she isn't allowed on her lease - she can't really complain to the landlord about the fleas.

Yes! you are all right! My ex IS taking the piss. i will be tougher. I will!

He does work full time. I left him because he was verbally and emotionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive too, pushing, shoving, hitting. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I basically left him in the lurch and now he has to pay the mortgage+rent on our shared ownership place which is just a 2 bed flat as well (but nearer the school and with a nicer garden). but i dont want to live there as there are too many bad memories. he couldnt find anywhere else to live anywhere round here on his one salary. i rely on him to help with the childcare so that i can work. can't afford nanny, use after school clubs 2 or 3 times a week.

tried womens aid and local womens charities at the time of leaving him and NONE of them could help at all. the key question, which the housing people asked as well, is: are you frightened to go home tonight - if the answer is no, then they wont help you. i also didnt want to consider a hostel as i wanted to stay in the area so the kids could stay at school.

i have had legal advice. i could draw up a contact order but it would cost money. and to get it legally enforced i would have to call the police if he didnt stick to it. so i kind of gave up on getting any help and accepted that i would have to deal with him by myself. which means i need to toughen up, i know.

Superfrenchie - I am in north London. I'm definitely up for a meet if you fancy it, fleas and all ;). Would be so nice to chat to normal people who don't just talk about their million pound homes and their nanny (rolls eyes).

rainydays - yes exactly - although the flat is a supershabby ground floor WITH a cat flap, the people before me had a cat, and the estate agent who showed me round brought her big lop eared rabbit and plonked him down on the floorboards - so i think the attitude to pets is relaxed, although officially in the lease it says no pets as its a standard document.

i say all this purely to make myself feel less guilty about breaking the rules - am not normally a rule-breaker! But yes you are totally right and that`s why i am reluctant to go running to the landlord for the small things. all my fault i know!

ophelia oh god yes - i am constantly judging myself by these weird millionaire standards and fretting about not matching up - be good to get some perspective. i will see if i can send you a message...............

Glad your feeling better today

they are doing great at school and have friends

You should be so proud about that, Superfrenchie. For a start it's all down to you and these are both things that money can't buy. The ability to make friends is one of the greatest things we can wish for our children, good friends can get you through anything.

I'm in South London, but can travel

I'm in a tiny bedsit with paint peeling off the walls and clutter everywhere so always happy to get out!

Your posts today sound a little more upbeat, Super. We're all rooting for you

Sorry I didn't mean to make you feel like a rule breaker - just didn't want you to create a problem for yourself.

How are you this evening?

just back online... spent the evening at the ex's and ended up being there til gone 10. all kind of civil, just getting stuff ready for the kids going to school tomorrow.

i'm ok tonight, thank you for asking. didnt manage to wash up or clean or tidy anything or hoover and now of course its too late. so that feels pretty crap. as though i cant even manage the first baby step.

i know what i need to do in theory (and i am very good at advising others when they ask for help) but in practice i just dont have the energy. maybe i'm lazy. i get easily distracted and procrastinate. i only really tidy when i have a deadline - visitors coming round. hmmm

and i am so, so, so stressed about work tomorrow - so much to catch up on - a day full of meetings, 700+ emails to go through (I was off last week), plus all today's meetings to reschedule as I called in sick. i WISH i didnt have to work. not only is it difficult but also boring............ and eats all of my time that i should be spending on my house and most importantly my dcs...

LemonTurd i am going to send you a message!

thanks again for the responses - i literally thought no-one would read the whole of my long post - you are all so kind.

rainydays, no need to apologise! i was just justifying to myself really :)

Hi superfrenchie, I've just re read your thread and wondered how you were getting on?

I think you need to stop telling yourself you left your ex in "the lurch" with the rent/mortgage. He was an arse and brought it on himself. It is not your fault that he cannot conduct a civilised relationship with you. You had no choice but to leave and protect your children. And you really need to stop being at his all the time. You will never have time and energy to sort your own home out if you are at the ex's until 10pm every night. Sorry if I sound so harsh but your posts make you sound like you are still so controlled by your ex and it really frustrates me.
Just take work as it comes. You are only human, they pay you to work so many hours a day - it is their problem if things aren't getting done, not yours. Just do what you can in your time there.

Hope you have a good day at work, keep going with the baby steps.

frenchie--slightly slaps you on the wrist.

Explain to your kids how things will be changing with their dad, so you will no longer be spending the eve there, but you will be dropping them off at the door and saying Bye. Role play it with them lots. Keep going over it with them. Get it so they are happy and used to the arrangement by practicing it. Then do it.

Go to exs house, drop kids at the door. If he complains, just keeps saying "No, that doesn't work for me" If he is all indignant and startled, let it wash over you. He won't harm the kids, they are safe there right? Imaging you are at a film and watch yourself doing this. Sort of hover above yourself in the situation and watch yourself. Imagine we are there watching you. It is a performance, and you have to nail it.

Until you free yourself of his hold, you have no time/energy for other stuff it feels like.

OH an your job sounds really full on, well done for hanging in there.

Thinking of you superfrenchie :)

i'm ok tonight, thank you for asking. didnt manage to wash up or clean or tidy anything or hoover and now of course its too late. so that feels pretty crap. as though i cant even manage the first baby step.

you arent lazy honey you werent home xx

Stop spending all your time at exes, get the kids over there in the mornings

also a baby step is one bag, not everything you listed!

Im not a cat person so it's easy for me to say but I'd get rid of the cat, one less mouth to feed if you consider how much you spend on cat food, flea spray, vets bills, pet insurance and even electric hoovering fur off stuff you could afford to take your dc's on holiday.

If you don't want to lose the cat then maybe you need to give up on the holiday guilt because your kids have a pet all year round instead of 1 holiday a year.

Basically a lot of your OP is stuff you use to make yourself feel bad, you need to let go of it, you will feel a huge difference, it's a state of mind.

Things I wouldn't feel guilty about (from your op)

• me and 2 dcs live in a rented 2 bed flat (the untidiness and fleas needs sorting but the lack of space is because you live in London, if you moved out of London then you could get somewhere much bigger and get away from your ex and use the money you save on rent to pay for childcare)
• this flat costs me 1100 pounds every month, over half of my salary (see above)
• dd and ds share a box room with just enough room for bunk beds and no floor space (and FLEAS, ugh)
• all the kids' friends live in big houses that they OWN which are tastefully decorated. my kids dont understand why they dont have a proper home. i grew up in a middle class family - the guilt that my children are worse off than me, and dont have a stable home, is unbearable - this is a silly amount of pressure to put on yourself. Stop.
• i have no savings. none. havent been abroad for 10 yrs. dcs have never been on foreign holiday. As long as your kids are fed, clean, loved, educated & safe none of the other stuff matters.
• i have a full time job BUT i can't do it. it's too difficult. i put on a brave face but i cant cope, its too stressful ad i dont have enough time to do the job - i have to pick the kids up from school at 3.30 3 days a week - its all getting too much and thethought of work makes me panic - maybe look for another job outside of london.
• i cant leave my job because then i wont have any money and wont be able to pay rent. get a new job before you leave your job.
• if i voluntarily leave my job i cant get any benefits
• i get no help at all from anwhere. i owe the child tax credits people 2K that they are chasing me for from 2005 when ds was small. i get nothing. i earn 30K plus so i'm not eligible for any financial help CAB will help with this.
• i left my ex 2 years ago but he is still controlling my life & criticising me every day and i have to do most of the childcare, child-rearing, pay for the fter school clubs / trips / uniforms etc (say no and dont feel guilty! If he says you left you sort it, say if you hadnt been abusing me I wouldn't have had to leave so you sort it!)
• i'm overweight. disgusting. obese. greasy & unwashed. every time i see a picture of myself i just want to hook a belt over the door and round my neck and end it all. i have no time or money to spend on myself - If you don't feel able to tackle this then don't but don't let it eat you up inside. It's as easy to be healthy as it is to be unhealthy, it's just a state of mind.
• i dont have any close friends. i dont fit in with the yummy mummies (all thin, coiffed, home-owning) and my old friends dont have kids and are off having careers and buying their first houses & getting engaged (i had kids young, i'm early 30s) so i have drifted apart. i literally have no-one i can call for a chat apart from the controlling ex. i have no time or money to try new activities / catch up with mates. every evening i have to log on and work when the kids are asleep. i'm permanently exhausted & rushing. no support from family. - You have some offers of friendship here so now you can cross that off your list. If you take the time to look after your appearance you will gain friends faster and also smile at people and invite people to things.

hth and good luck!!

hello, thanks for the posts. Xroads thank you for taking the time to go through that long list. tempted to go through and counteract all of your notes ("but... but...") but actually - i will just accept the advice - good advice. and another viewpoint. thank you.

this is what happened Tuesday if anyone is interested, i won't expect you to be, but it really, really helps me so much to write this all down.

• woke up and was halfway to work when the ex called (kids were at his). dd's school shoes were in my car. turned around and dropped shoes off at his, which made me late for a 9am meeting, so i arrived in the office stressed beyond belief.
• worked til 3.05pm, no lunch, dashed to get kids at 3.30. brought them back to mine. they played, i worked on the computer and on the phone.
• at 6pm i took them to their dad's. went in, i cooked them dinner (he said, why haven't they eaten yet? and shouted at me in front of them because he smelt chocolate on their breath - i'd given them, like, a penguin bar after school. (i'd also offered an apple and a packet of crisps both of which they'd turned down). he was yelling, "i don't want my children to grow up fat like YOU" - this in front of an 8yo and a 5yo. anyway, gave them their tea then i said i had to leave - which was true; i had to pick up the keys to the pool car at work before the office was locked for the night as i am driving to birmingham tomorrow and back for a meeting... so i said goodnight to the kids and told them i would see them tomorrow. then realised i had no childcare for one of them for after sch tomorrow so texted some other mums desperately asking for help - one said yes (look at me! i am practising asking for help! it works! who knew!), got to the office and worked til nearly 10pm (had no idea it was open so late but there were a handful of people still going strong when i left).
• drove the work car to the 24hr asda and bought a smart top to wear to this meeting as all my clothes are dirty / old, and some new flat shoes as mine have holes. also essentials like milk, cereal, loo roll, as kids are with me tomorrow overnight. spent 40 quid.
• got home at 11.30, had a bath, watched an hour long documentary on iplayer. going to bed now, got an early start.
• feeling mega, mega guilty about not putting the kids to bed tonight, not seeing them til 5.30 tomorrow (dd cried when i left the ex's), not having caught up on work stuff that should have been done before the end of may before i had a week off.
• house is a disaster zone. not only have i not tidied / done anything, but its even messier as the kids (and, er, me) have got stuff out which hasnt been put away, etc.
• oh but i did run the hoover round when we got back after school.
• the landlord'sgas man rang and said he needs to come round and check the boiler - could he come today or tomorrow - i panicked and postponed til next week to give myself time to clean the house - at the moment he'd have to step over boxes of recycling / charity shop stuff that I need to sort out.

jeez that was looong. feels amazing to get it all out. this is all the stuff i cant tell anyone in real life which makes me feel so lonely. Number 1 on to-do list is learn to write concisely :) Night!

whyme, nilbyname and rainydays - you are all so, so right about the ex. i need to be firm about estabishing a routine and sticking to it. then we can start to get organised and make sure all the uniform etc is in the right place and the drop offs and pick ups are swift and efficient. i know this... it is still hard though.

Before you take the pool car back, take the boxes of recycling/charity stuff to the recycling bins at Asda (there are always recycling bins at Asda). Don't bother sorting the charity shop stuff out, dump them in one of the clothing bins there, they all go to soem sort of charity).

Do this the minute you get in the door, get the stuff straight in the car, dump it, return the car and then at least the hall will be clear of crap.

Then hoover the hall, and you can cross one room off your list.

Hope your meeting goes well today

Well you sound pretty amazing to me. Any woman that can juggle all
that you do and still have the desire to improve things is a brilliant mum.
Please try to be kinder to yourself though, I know it can be easier said than done. Is there no way that you could leave your kids with someone for a few days to give you a complete break? That might help with getting you some rest as well as doing a few small things on the list. I'd recommend sorting the debts as soon as you can, for your peace of mind if nothing else. Good luck to you.

I think you've done fantastically well already! Look how dad you've come.
What I can observe from that post is - you said 'anyone is jnrerested' like you don't expect us to be - buy look how many people have posted, asked for updates! You seem like a lovely person! But not unsurprisingly you have low self-esteem. I think you'd benefit from counselling or an assertiveness course.
Your ex is pretty cruel. Is there any way you could decrease contact with him? Can't he collect them from school? Why are you running round after him all the time?! I know you recognise this is an issue.
You need to be assertive about work too and consider what is a priority and what you could actually leave. Keep going, you're getting there! Just make sure you have time for yourself and to rest! :)

I think the key thing to sort out here are the boundaries with your ex.

You need to have fixed days when he will have contact and when you will drop them off to him and leave.

Ask the school for support - could you use a breakfast club or CM in the morning?