this is what's wrong with my life. how can i start to tackle any of it?

[superfrenchie1]

having a bad day. can't stop crying. i don't know where to begin or where to go for help. this is the list of the things i'd like to change. if you have any ideas i would be so so grateful. i am feeling very very low and alone and just dont know where to turn. ok here goes:

• me and 2 dcs live in a shabby, untidy rented 2 bed flea-infested flat
• this flat costs me 1100 pounds every month, over half of my salary
• dd and ds share a box room with just enough room for bunk beds and no floor space (and FLEAS, ugh)
• all the kids' friends live in big houses that they OWN which are tastefully decorated. my kids dont understand why they dont have a proper home. i grew up in a middle class family - the guilt that my children are worse off than me, and dont have a stable home, is unbearable
• dd goes to school every day covered in flea bites. it looks like chicken pox.
• i owe so many people money. thousands. they keep sending me bailiff letters saying i have to go to court etc, and i just ignore them. my credit rating has been shit for years
• i have no savings. none. havent been abroad for 10 yrs. dcs have never been on foreign holiday.
• i have a full time job BUT i can't do it. it's too difficult. i put on a brave face but i cant cope, its too stressful ad i dont have enough time to do the job - i have to pick the kids up from school at 3.30 3 days a week - its all getting too much and thethought of work makes me panic
• i cant leave my job because then i wont have any money and wont be able to pay rent
• if i voluntarily leave my job i cant get any benefits
• i get no help at all from anwhere. i owe the child tax credits people 2K that they are chasing me for from 2005 when ds was small. i get nothing. i earn 30K plus so i'm not eligible for any financial help
• i left my ex 2 years ago but he is still controlling my life & criticising me every day and i have to do most of the childcare, child-rearing, pay for the fter school clubs / trips / uniforms etc
• i'm overweight. disgusting. obese. greasy & unwashed. every time i see a picture of myself i just want to hook a belt over the door and round my neck and end it all. i have no time or money to spend on myself
• i dont have any close friends. i dont fit in with the yummy mummies (all thin, coiffed, home-owning) and my old friends dont have kids and are off having careers and buying their first houses & getting engaged (i had kids young, i'm early 30s) so i have drifted apart. i literally have no-one i can call for a chat apart from the controlling ex. i have no time or money to try new activities / catch up with mates. every evening i have to log on and work when the kids are asleep. i'm permanently exhausted & rushing. no support from family.

sorry. it feels better to have written that down. it feels completely impossible to tackle. if you were in my situation, where would you start? i will be so grateful for any ideas, i've been so brave and strong for 2 years but my situation's not improved and now i'm really struggling. thanks for reading

just sending a hug

1.re your stuff in the flat - i used to have loads of clutter during a particularly dark phase, I ended up selling the lot on ebay, I took 1hr each evening, put stuff into piles, keep what is only essential, put another hr in taking the bloody photos of the stuff to sell. Actually Gumtree is better, as you can list it for free and the buyer comes to pick it up (no fees for lisiing or postage needed). I made about 2000 quid doing this.

1. Stick the net curtains and bedsheets in a quick wash with some vinegar and wash powder, hang up again to dry by themselves. Hoover the floor once a day, 10 mins a day.

1. Lift stuff off the floor, stick under beds or in cupboards until you get around to getting cardboard boxes from a supermarket or grocer (if you ask, you will get boxes for free)

1. Citizens Advice - I read on here once, that someone with mounting debts got an arrangment to pay off the creditors at £5 a week or sthing. No more letters

1. Citizens Advice - about your ex and the legal stuff regarding your property

1. Keep hugging your kids - they need you and would prefer you to the exH I'm quite sure, so hang in there, if only so that he doesnt get custody of them if you did end it (sorry bit harsh words there, but they love you, no one else matters)

1. And for yourself - i cannot recommend AD's and Evening Primrose Oil (get it in boots or tesco). And water, keep yourself hydrated.

One thing at a time. You can sort this. Keep making the lists and being kind to yourself.

thinking of you

meant - i cant recommend ad's and evening primrose oil tablets highly enough

they make such a difference

You sound like you had a mad day yesterday. And I can't believe you were verbally attacked by your ex. You definitely need to come up with a way of avoiding being at his house. There is no reasonable logic that says you should be cooking the children a meal there. If they have tea there you drop them off and he sorts food. If you cook do it at yours.
Sounds awful for you.

Hope you have a better day today.

Superfrenchie, you are amazing! Congratulations especially on the asking for help bit. And I really hope you'll keep offloading here if you want to. I think lots of us are interested and want to be supportive. You might even be helping other people who are battling with similar stuff. (Me, for example. On Monday I finally asked someone to help me start dealing with a backlog of clutter that's been bothering me for years. Yesterday I did my first daily 30 minutes of sorting and mailed her afterwards to say that I'd done it. Today I'll try to do the same. I'm already feeling so much better about it and enjoying the thought of the before and after photos!)

I agree with others that the situation with your ex sounds horrible. I'm sure it will help you and your DC to have some firmer boundaries and a more predictable routine. None of you deserve to have him speaking to you like that.

Thinking of you and cheering you on. Keep up the kindness!

FRENCHIE You are doing amazingly! I am so proud of you for leaving at a more more reasonable time from your Exs...that is huge. Next time just drop them at the door, and say "They have/have not had tea. Here's there uniforms, see you tomorrow."

I he verbally attacks you again like that. You must give him the death stare till he shuts up, then in a stern hiss, right in his ear you say..."You do not EVER speak to me like again. Right?" If he argues, kiss your kids, turn on your heel and walk out.

YOu got so much done yesterday, I bet you are shattered now.

I am a big routine person. I also get a lot of things done the night before.
Packed lunches made and school uniforms laid out night before.
My work clothes chosen and my work bag sorted the night before.

At work, I alway clear my desk and put my day planner in the middle. Right at the end of the day I go through my list of To dos, shove some over to tomorrow, make my days plan. Then I can leave work ready for fresh start the next day.

Hi superfrenchie

Hope you are well and had a reasonable time on your trip for work today! Firstly, you are doing so much! Please be proud of how much you have done.

Ok, and please feel free to tell me to sod off if you read this...

Relationships. I don't think the contact you're facilitating is going to be doing your children any favours long term, sorry. Watching dad speak to mum the way he speaks to you must be messing with their heads. Smelling their breath to see what they've eaten? This really isn't normal. But you're normalising it. You take them there, you take his shit, you cook his tea, you do bath and bed. I think 'putting the kids first' is a bit of a red herring sometimes. I know the contact order will cost, but it will be money well spent if it gives you back your freedom and dignity. You can't move on and find yourself and then another relationship if you're round his house, playing families, as you will never have the time or energy. Breakfast club/ childminder/ bit of cash in hand for a similar mum would be money well spent so you are not relying on him for anything practical. Counsellors can offer cheaper sessions if you ask and explain your situation. Or get on the GP's waiting list. You need some support to see that you're worth more than this awful treatment.

Work. If your manager's off long term sick is their workload falling to you? If so ask for help or extra money for the extra responsibility or don't do it at all. Many years ago I made myself very ill by working through an illness as my manager was off sick and I didn't want to let people down. I would never do it again and I would advise anyone else in a similar situation to not take on extra and to speak to senior management.

Home. (I absolutely love cats btw). You say you took the cat in for a friend. If this friend is so good that you'd majorly inconvenience yourself in cat terms why isn't s/he helping you now? If you can't bring yourself to get rid of the cat then go to the vets and ask for a program injection. It puts a chemical in the cats blood that the fleas drink and then the larvae in the eggs they lay can't create a strong skeleton so they can't hatch. Fleas can't live on human blood so they would die off in a couple of weeks. After a massive flea breakout a few years ago we haven't had one since we got the injection.

Money. Get some help. If your parents are rich and not total sods would they consider a loan? We did this with mil, we paid her back plus more interest than she would have got for savings, but less than we would have paid with a bank loan. If you go on money saving expert there's loads of advice of what to do if you can't pay creditors.

I think the easiest thing to sort would be the fleas with a program injection. I think the money sorting would take a day or two and lift a huge weight off your shoulders. I think the problem that if sorted, would give you time and energy to do the rest, is your ex and the contact you're facilitating.

Best wishes :)

Oh, you people are amazing. for so long all this has been in my head. i can't tell you how amazing it is to be understood, to be able to share all the details that otherwise, I just wouldn't have told anyone. thank you for all the suggestions. i'm going to go through all of your lovely posts and pick out all of the suggestions and make sure I'm capturing them all. Maybe in a lovely notebook which also has my to-do list... See, I am feeling a lot better!

highlights of today - i didn't see the ex at all. he's out tonight so the kids are with me. nice, calm, no-one got cross with me or anything. no contact at all - so refreshing! workwise i drove to birmingham, chaired a 3hr meeting which was successful and positive, got back in time (just) to pick dcs up from friends' house / aftersch club. i wore my new asda clothes, was reasonably scrubbed up and got compliments . tonight i had to take the kids to a play we had tickets for which was from 6.30-8. Bugsy Malone, they enjoyed it, though it was a late night and ds had to have a sort of picnicky dinner on the run on the way there so didn't have much in the way of veg. but he'll live.

house remains a pigsty. it really got me down this evening. the kids had knocked a light down the other day in their room while playing and the bulb had smashed but they hadn't told me, so at bedtime i was frantically trying to find the bits of broken glass... and shouting at them for not telling me... and then a flea jumped onto my hand... ugh.

i didn't see mumblechum's advice til it was too late about the charity shop stuff & recycling but i will do it tomorrow!

i did have a moment earlier when I felt it was all getting on top of me. I sort of cried in front of the kids and said things like, "look how much i have to do! no-one helps me!" But then I imagined myself in 10 years time, being thin and amazing and remembering a period when the kids were young and there was no money and life was really tough... i guess i have to have faith that if i keep going through all this, something will come good eventually. Night!

ps belleflowers and handbagcrab - thank you so much for taking the time to make those excellent suggestions - I will follow them up.

nilbyname - i aspire to your level of discipline! i'm going to try to do more the night before.

Brightplaces, whyme, Badskiingmum and everyone who has said i need to stand up to my ex - you are completely right. i know. it's good to hear it again and again - it will help me to stand firm and not give in when he is being unreasonable.

Biggest thing this thread has taught me so far is that everything is just a matter of perspective and that it's important to see the good stuff as well as the bad. also to take multivitamins - took some (& iron) and actually do feel tons better overall!? anyway now i need to sleep, thank you again x

Oh lovely you've come so far already! :) it will feel like two steps forward, one back at times but you are moving forward! Fantastic news about the meeting, I'm glad the new clothes make you feel good and confident but ultimately you're the one who chaired it and made it a success!
Why don't you get the kids to help out with a few chores? Make it like a game or offer rewards for finishing like watching their favourite tv show?
I heard about neuro linguistics programming - essentially where saying positive things over yourself creates a positive you - and they guy said to write down 3 things you want to achieve each day in the morning - can be small. Then tick off them off at bedtime. You could try that and wrote them in your new notebook? It might help you put all the stuff you've got into bitesize chunks. Make you feel like you've really achieved something every day. Just an idea.

You're going great guns, Super!

But then I imagined myself in 10 years time, being thin and amazing and remembering a period when the kids were young and there was no money and life was really tough... i guess i have to have faith that if i keep going through all this, something will come good eventually. I love this :) You know the situation you're in now is temporary and you and your family are on the up. I'm excited for you :)

I can't believe what the ex said to you in front of your DC You're well rid of that fucker. You're making such fantastic progress, don't let the bastard grind you down.

There is a possibility that the ex will try to deliberately sabotage you when he sees how much progress you're making. It's classic behaviour with abusive men - he doesn't want to see that you can create a fantastic life without him.

I hesitated posting this, I don't want to bring down an increasingly positive thread. Just be aware of it, hope it's OK to say that? As previous posters have said, you're doing the right thing but not engaging with him.

by not engaging...

Havealittlefaith - yes 3 things each day in my notebook, I like it :)

LemonTurd i think in some ways that is exactly what my ex is doing now already - he is resentful that i am strong enough to leave him, have this job, and he tries to sabotage really crudely by refusing to drop kids at school etc

He was awful this evening but i left there at 6.46 with dd and got her to bed at a reasonable hour. As of right now ex is saying he won't drop her at school tomorrow; I think he will end up doing it. (He's taking ds anyway at 9. i have to be at work at 9. so i would take dd round to his for 8.30 all dressed and breakfasted and he could walk them both down the road.. anyway i digress)

guess what i did today? i went to the dump AND the charity shop. i hoovered. i did laundry. i still havent had the heart / energy to tackle the kitchen really. BUT i made progress :) i was working from home today which i do maybe once a fortnight. really helps being at home all day. gas man is coming next tues which is my deadline to have everything clear and tidy.

still up and down emotionally, still lonely, though less so thanks to the magic of MN, but feeling more and more often that i can probably cope... and for that, i thank you all x

Whoop whoop get you!!! Wow you've done loads today! er more than me! When you've done the jobs and tick them off, it's a great feeling!

Definitely your ex is trying to exert control. The more you do for yourself, the stronger you get, the less you need him. That is going to drive him nuts! I reckon this is a key time til stand your ground like tomorrow morning with school.

Now don't stress about the kitchen. Have a bath/shower, get in your jammies and have an early night! :)

oh blimey, i have name changed, but i suggested a hoover 10 mins a day ^^

i bet you feel on top of the world!

And I bet your kids have picked up on some good vibes from you too?

Sleep well xx

MN is a lifesaver for me too. absolutely.

go you, go you, hurray :)

If he wont take them, then he will lose out because he wont see them will he.

Usually I would advocate as much contact as he wants, but he is using it to control you.

Ive been here in a few guises (name change) and I would just like to say, I am proud of you. You have done a lot today, I think the biggest being to stand up to him and get yourself home at a decent time.

frenchie you have achieved so much already, keep on keeping on. Feels good doesn't it?! Really really pleased for you.

Keep chipping away with the ex, remember to channel "no that doesn't work for me" you need to maintain yourself. He needs to pick up the slack.

nilby - i'm going to nick your one liner "no that doesnt work for me" amd apply it to many many areas of my life which I am so fed up with atm

thank you magnificent nilby

You sound like you're starting to get a bit of control back.

Superfrenchie1

Go to the GP, get a few months respite from some ADs. then...

Tackle one thing at a time - maybe one problem a week? Write yourself a list and stick it up on the wall, and cross off things as you achieve them. It takes the overwhelming panic away, and makes you feel in control of the situation.

It helps me when it all gets too much.

Big hugs

Frenchie,I just wanted to quickly post as I am at work and don't have much time. I am in north London if you want to meet up for coffee one day.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I have a few things from my old flat I am about to freecycle if you need anything
I've got net curtains, heavy curtains, 2 rugs and a couple of lamps, also about 20 bags of DCs clothes, a lot of them are nearly new, sorry I misses how old your DCs are.

I also have 3 months supply of frontline flea stuff which is brilliant.

If you need anything or just fancy a chat and a coffee just let me know xx

what i tend to do, so i dont get so overwhelmed with shitty house cleaning etc is 10 minute bursts

(learnt it off MN)

so, I make a pot of tea or coffee, while that is brewing:

-load/unload dishwasher,

• wipe surfaces

enjoy coffee even more after doing all that.

• do another 10 mins, hoovering or sthing equally mundane.
• sit for 10 mins flick through magazine...
• do another 15 mins wipe down bath,shower,sinks..

helps me immensely by tackling it this way

as let's face it, it is mind numbingly dull, is housework

hope you have another productive day today and a good weekend

guys, today i created a spreadsheet and downloaded my statements and categorized all the spending over the last 3 months on debit & credit cards. or started to at least.

the list of what i haven't done is quite enormous BUT i got through this week and i have the weekend to do the washing up etc and i honestly do feel like being in control is something i can achieve. Once i'm in control of the house, then i can get in control of my appearance, finances, social life, and the rest.

Tantrumsandballoons i have sent you a message...

Lookup i like your idea about short bursts of chores and then a rrward - it is so so mindnumbing i need a reward to look forward to - and it gets overwhelming when i look at everything all together - i will definitely take your advice.

DukeHumfrey , *blue2", thank you for your great ideas as well x

Hi - it sounds like you are making good progress super so I just wanted to encourage you to keep going and to not beat yourself up when you have a slow day.
You sound really positive and that is good.

Hope you have a productive weekend.

It all sounds good. The key underpinning all this is your job,. So I would make sure you keep that (very hard to get jobs in recessions). As long as you have that you can feed the children etc.

The fleas seem a problem. Can't you just get rid of the cat? You would save on cat food. Try to cut back on outings - I don't think children need foreign holidays or even trips to see shows and concentrate on things which sort out the long standing finances.

Eat well, three healthy meals a day. As you said once you are in control of the house you will feel better.

I also think people need a lot more sleep than most of us get although it's not easy to have if you've a job and chidlren. (I am a single parent of 5, although one has left home, work full time and their father in essence never has them and pays nothing which in some ways makes it easier than your situation).