this is what's wrong with my life. how can i start to tackle any of it?

[superfrenchie1]

having a bad day. can't stop crying. i don't know where to begin or where to go for help. this is the list of the things i'd like to change. if you have any ideas i would be so so grateful. i am feeling very very low and alone and just dont know where to turn. ok here goes:

• me and 2 dcs live in a shabby, untidy rented 2 bed flea-infested flat
• this flat costs me 1100 pounds every month, over half of my salary
• dd and ds share a box room with just enough room for bunk beds and no floor space (and FLEAS, ugh)
• all the kids' friends live in big houses that they OWN which are tastefully decorated. my kids dont understand why they dont have a proper home. i grew up in a middle class family - the guilt that my children are worse off than me, and dont have a stable home, is unbearable
• dd goes to school every day covered in flea bites. it looks like chicken pox.
• i owe so many people money. thousands. they keep sending me bailiff letters saying i have to go to court etc, and i just ignore them. my credit rating has been shit for years
• i have no savings. none. havent been abroad for 10 yrs. dcs have never been on foreign holiday.
• i have a full time job BUT i can't do it. it's too difficult. i put on a brave face but i cant cope, its too stressful ad i dont have enough time to do the job - i have to pick the kids up from school at 3.30 3 days a week - its all getting too much and thethought of work makes me panic
• i cant leave my job because then i wont have any money and wont be able to pay rent
• if i voluntarily leave my job i cant get any benefits
• i get no help at all from anwhere. i owe the child tax credits people 2K that they are chasing me for from 2005 when ds was small. i get nothing. i earn 30K plus so i'm not eligible for any financial help
• i left my ex 2 years ago but he is still controlling my life & criticising me every day and i have to do most of the childcare, child-rearing, pay for the fter school clubs / trips / uniforms etc
• i'm overweight. disgusting. obese. greasy & unwashed. every time i see a picture of myself i just want to hook a belt over the door and round my neck and end it all. i have no time or money to spend on myself
• i dont have any close friends. i dont fit in with the yummy mummies (all thin, coiffed, home-owning) and my old friends dont have kids and are off having careers and buying their first houses & getting engaged (i had kids young, i'm early 30s) so i have drifted apart. i literally have no-one i can call for a chat apart from the controlling ex. i have no time or money to try new activities / catch up with mates. every evening i have to log on and work when the kids are asleep. i'm permanently exhausted & rushing. no support from family.

sorry. it feels better to have written that down. it feels completely impossible to tackle. if you were in my situation, where would you start? i will be so grateful for any ideas, i've been so brave and strong for 2 years but my situation's not improved and now i'm really struggling. thanks for reading

this website sorry

And don't forget that waht you already do takes time - with all you are saying about going to ex's house almost every day - I am surprise you even have time to sleep?

you do all the prep for kids uniforms, washing, shopping collecting them from school etc - add up all those hours - you'll then see where your time goes (and energy too)

No advice to add to the great support you've got here - totally agree that it needs to be baby steps and you need to keep reminding yourself of all the things you are juggling. Good luck and keep posting.

thank you all! baby steps it is. i had a bath (kind of didnt have enough energy to stand in the shower...) and feel better though i got out of the bath and caught 3 fleas that jumped straight onto my feet... UGH

i remind myself also that i have a lot to be grateful for. roof over our heads, food, my kids have 2 parents who they see basically every day, good job that allows me to work flexibly.

yeah the situation with the ex is awful, means i cant make any plans and often leave my house at 7.30am and dont get home til 10ish one way or the other after pissing about at his house.

i told my work and they paid for 12 sessions of extremely expensive CBT. which kind of helped. but when it comes down to it i cant bear arguing or conflict and i always want to make things nice and easy for the kids - i dont want them to hear any arguments... i know i need to work on that.

off to write that list now. thanks again everyone, you are amazing...

nilbyname, thanks for that flylady link. wow, there's a whole world of stuff! i definitely have that CHAOS thing - Cant Have Anyone Over Syndrome - its so brilliant to know i am not alone, i often feel like i am the only one! thank you, will read more now.

Hi superfrenchie, I couldn't read this and not post too. I think you sound lovely and I'm so sorry that you've got all that stuff to deal with. I wish I could give you a hug, mumsnetty or not, greasy or not, I don't care.

My suggestions would be

• First of all, congratulate yourself for writing it all down here and asking for help to get to grips with it all. That is such a big deal and the first step towards a much happier future for you all. For you: :)

• Start finding other things to congratulate yourself about. Doesn't matter how small and ridiculous they are, or whether you're sure they really qualify for congratulations. From a purely pragmatic perspective it doesn't matter a bit whether they do or not. The less time you spend beating yourself up about being where you are right now, the more energy you'll have for making the changes you want to make.

• Make looking after yourself a top priority. (Also a sensible pragmatic step.) Find little things to nourish yourself with every day. Sit down now if you can and make a list of some of the simple things that makes you feel most happy and alive - tea in a beautiful cup, loud music, clean sheets, whatever it is - and keep trying to incorporate them into your day. Decide to treat yourself like the loveliest friend you can imagine.

• Like other people have said, set yourself really excruciatingly small goals. It creates much more momentum that way. And celebrate each one once you've achieved it. Make lists here and tell us how you're getting on if you think it would help.

There are loads of websites with great suggestions for getting to grips with clutter, weight loss, debt etc, but trying to deal with everything all at once might lead to yet more overwhelm, so prioritise, take it steady and most of all keep trying to be kind to yourself. We are all so harsh on ourselves and hide away thinking that our struggles make us unacceptable... But it's just not true. If only I lived in London I'd come round straight away and go to war on those fleas with you. X

Thing is op, you need to take care of yourself, because you are the bedrock of your little family, and that foundation needs to be super strong.

No is a complete sentence. Practice that. Start saying to your Ex, No. Work out a new child care/custody arrangement, and if he can't shoulder his kids, then he can't see them as much. Tough shit. He is being a bully. Stand up to him. How beneficial is he in their lives?

Ok--you dislike conflict, do you like being a doormat more?! Seriously. Think on that, reflect on that. You don't need to have conflict. You just tell someone "no that doesn't work for me" and then they have to sort it out for themselves. Practice shrugging your shoulders and saying "No that doesn't work for me/us". whatever he says, do not engage!!

OMG, sorry for the enormous X-post!

thank you brightplaces!! yes you're right i need to look after myself so i can look after my babies. and you know what? looking after myself comes above work. i am not going to feel guilty about neglecting work. i do my best. that will help, being conscious about putting my own wellbeing first.

nilbyname - i do NOT like being a doormat. i do want to be strong. i will practise. without the ex, i couldnt work. he takes them to school every morning. he looks after them when i go to conferences. he is very very good with them - apart from the fact that he criticises and controls their mum of course - and they adore him. but yes. i will be tougher.

I would agree about not panicking re work. However, I would also say, do contact your manager's manager, preferably face to face or at least by phone. They need to know what's going on, they can't do anything to help unless they know.

((High fives superfrenchie)) Good, you do flipping loads, he needs to do more, it needs to be equitable.

Work--sounds like maybe you are projecting a bit, you know? You are trying to hard in an area that doesn't need it as that is something that is a bit easy for you to do in your current situation. Switch your focus.

superfrenchie1 your OP makes me want to cry

I don't have children, but a lot of what's going on with you is my life too

I'm in London. If you ever want to meet up for a cup of tea and to offload, I'm here

I'd even come and help tidy up. Your flat can't be as bad as what I've lived in

Re ex - I'd get up earlier with then and drop them in morning if he won't pick them up - you need to be able to get Into some sort of routine after work.

Small tiny steps - sort out one bag of clutter - it feels good, while I've been on here - I've sorted out the mountain of clothes in what was the spare room.

Bit of posting, bit of putting away - just bummed all odd socks - they had grown to fill nearly 2 carrier bags (how does that happen I ask myself??) so I took my own advice and chucked them :).

See, Superfrenchie1, I think you are amazing. You are bringing up two young children on your own. You work and earn more than I ever did. You had the strength to walk away from your partner. You are financially independent with two healthy children and you are still young.

You have so much going for you.

Go to the doctors and get some ADs. Seriously. They will help you get some perspective and feel more positive. After a few weeks, you will begin to feel healthy enough to realise that changes can be made and your problems are not insurmountable. Attempting to deal with the huge list of what's wrong with your life when you feel down and anxious is a recipe for disaster. Go and see the doctors and get some medical help first and foremost.

Once equipped with ADs and a better serotonin level, you will be ready to tackle your list.

Firstly, so what if you live in a rented flat at the moment. That's right, AT THE MOMENT. You don't know if it's going to be forever. You may well earn more and find a different place in the future. You may meet someone else and find a bigger place. You have no idea what might happen. You do, however, have to open your mind to other possibilities. Blitz the fleas, and possibly get rid of the cat if you can bear to. That way, the landlord can come in and fix the broken stuff. Declutter - get rid of stuff, sell it on ebay, whatever needs to be done to tidy the place up. Bring in some fresh flowers. Make some changes to your surroundings, whatever can be done within time and budget.
Have you considered going on the Housing Register? You may be offered something more affordable and a nicer home for your children. It's not compulsory to take what you are offered. Can you move somewhere else?

You owe money. Lots of people owe money. I owe money. Don't panic. Have you been to CAB and got some advice on how to deal with debt collecters? They can offer you plenty of help in addressing the collectors. Don't run away from this. Write letters explaining you have no money or offering them enough to get off your back. It won't be forever and you can't give what you don't have. As long as you can afford to put a roof over your families head and feed them at the moment then you are winning.

Work - once you begin to make these changes and feel more in control and postive, then work will seem easier. You may start to enjoy it again.

You say you are disgusting, fat etc... Be kind to yourself. You have done an amazing thing leaving your ex and bringing up two children by yourself.

You have more important things in your life to deal with than worrying about extra weight and perfectly coiffed hair at the moment. A good wash, a smile and a night's sleep will suffice until you feel ready to tackle such things as weight.
Losing weight is bloody hard, but you have done harder things in your life. When you feel more in control of your life, maybe then if you feel the need you can consider making changes to your appearance.

Have a bash at doing these things slowly and one by one. Remember life can take some interesting twists and turns and we can never really truly predict what will happen next.

Oh, and tell your EX to fuck off, man up and start pulling his weight.

superfrenchie1
make an appointment with your gp perhaps you could be signed off work for a week so you can begin to sort things out and have abit of time for yourself
take one day at a time
if it helps make a list of things that need doing and try to do at least one a day
then put a huge line through it when you've done it [i find this gets me motivated to do something else on the list]
get rid of the fleas then go through each room getting rid of anything you don't want/need/use.
could you swap rooms with your dc's if it would give them extra space ?
i think your ex needs to do abit more does he go to work ?
i think a routine for your dc's is needed regarding your ex [he needs to sort this out and stick to it so you and your dc's know where you are as it seems he leaves it all to you]
hope things start to get easier x

ah, thanks guys. appreciate it.

i'm a bit up-and-down - most of the time i am chipper and jokey. and thankful. my colleagues and acquaintances all think i look on the bright side. but sometimes, sometimes, like today, when i am on my own, when i am (for once) not frantically busy, i look at everything and think - where is the enjoyment? i havent had sex or even a snog in 6 years now - i dont really have friends - i am permanently stressed and tired - there is no-one i can call for a chat - underneath the facade, i am really f_ing lonely and tired and cant go on much longer bearing these burdens. somethings gotta give. my kids dont see me having fun, being gregarious, funloving, happy. they just see me snapping and getting stressed. and i cant see a way out. even if i declutter, sort the debt/fleas etc etc. you know? its still shit.

tomorrow i have a mountain of stuff to tackle (too long to describe! but stressful) but i will try to call the GP and investigate CAB.

Nodecentnickname - I cant get onto the housing register as i earn too much and they prioritise according to need, ie homeless people first, those on benefits etc. apparently i earn too much... i tried once years ago when ds was small and we were 12,000th on the list and they said they allocate approx 15 places per year!

drummerswife - my ex does work full time, and does his fair share of looking after the kids, its just that he insists i hang around while he is doing it! i think he hasnt accepted that i have left him and wants to act like a happy family. of course the kids want that, too, they want to see mum AND dad rather than one or the other. i have a car and he doesnt which is why i always do all the drop-offs and pick-ups. also, if i ask him for anything his response is: you're the one who moved out, you sort it, it's your responsibility. and i just do anything to avoid a row in front of the kids. i know i need to be firmer and keep pushing for a routine... its difficult though, he resists very strongly.

I think you have to just prepare yourself for the first time of - I am walking out of the door as I have shopping/tidying/work to do - I'll pick them up in the morning.
I don't know if you should warn him - you know him best.

Why is he not picking them up from school if he doesn't work full time?

Don't be too hard on yourself, Super. You have SO much on your plate and I think you're doing brilliantly

If you're putting on a brave face for others, that can be truly exhausting.

super further down I linked to a charity who help with debt management - I have heard really good things about them.

Cccs - they don't charge for their services.

Yes to all intents and purposes you and ex are still "together" in eyes of children. Don't let him guilt trip you because you left.

Can you start by dropping kids to him in mornings - at least get home in the evenings.

It's seems insurmountable because there is so much to tackle. That's why I said baby steps - when my troubles hit, I felt proud of myself just for getting DCs dressed (not even myself).

Don't try to fix the whole picture. You need to tackle one thing at a time. If it helps make a list and then what order you tackle them in.

Baby baby steps and you will get there x

Superfrenchie, only read you OP and skimmed through the responses (will read properly tomorrow) but just wanted to send you my best wishes. How much you have on your plate! No wonder you feel overwhelmed at the moment. Keep posting, very brave of you but also shows that you care enough (if that doesn't sound patronising, not meant to)

How are you doing today, Super?

Are you in London? I am in a similar situation. Renting in a tiny 2 bed flat with 2 kids and all the other parents at my ds school are home owners (most of them of giant 1 million pound houses). I do feel like the odd one out.

The thing that puts it into perspective for me when I am feeling really bad is that at the end of the day, kids need love, a roof over their heads, food etc. All the material things are nice but they are not necessary.

However, if there are fleas you should contact your landlord and if he/she doesn't do anything, then call your local council environmental health and tell them you have children who are being made ill by flea bites.

Hugs. I really do sympathise.

hello! bit better today. have the kids today so have to be better, really. and they cheer me up and keep me busy. tidied up a little. will do the washing up later and get the kitchen cleaned. had a good spray of flea spray last night and fingers crossed havent seen any fleas since. i called in sick to work today, have already dialled in to 2 conference calls from my bedroom (gave the kids instructions to be very quiet in the other room!), trying not to worry too much - its only work.

ophelia - you're so right about what's important. where in london are you? maybe we should arrange a meetup with Lemonturd. if i clear the fleas you can come round to mine!

i sometimes think that all of this will be character building for the dcs. they are doing great at school and have friends. so many children are so much worse off.

Can flea infestation be dealt with? Try googling.
Move if not. You have to.
I would also suggest going to the GP and telling him/her how bad you feel.
Hang onto the job. You are already and that shows you are a fighter.
Break everything down. Lists and small daily actions.
Good luck.