this is what's wrong with my life. how can i start to tackle any of it?

[superfrenchie1]

having a bad day. can't stop crying. i don't know where to begin or where to go for help. this is the list of the things i'd like to change. if you have any ideas i would be so so grateful. i am feeling very very low and alone and just dont know where to turn. ok here goes:

• me and 2 dcs live in a shabby, untidy rented 2 bed flea-infested flat
• this flat costs me 1100 pounds every month, over half of my salary
• dd and ds share a box room with just enough room for bunk beds and no floor space (and FLEAS, ugh)
• all the kids' friends live in big houses that they OWN which are tastefully decorated. my kids dont understand why they dont have a proper home. i grew up in a middle class family - the guilt that my children are worse off than me, and dont have a stable home, is unbearable
• dd goes to school every day covered in flea bites. it looks like chicken pox.
• i owe so many people money. thousands. they keep sending me bailiff letters saying i have to go to court etc, and i just ignore them. my credit rating has been shit for years
• i have no savings. none. havent been abroad for 10 yrs. dcs have never been on foreign holiday.
• i have a full time job BUT i can't do it. it's too difficult. i put on a brave face but i cant cope, its too stressful ad i dont have enough time to do the job - i have to pick the kids up from school at 3.30 3 days a week - its all getting too much and thethought of work makes me panic
• i cant leave my job because then i wont have any money and wont be able to pay rent
• if i voluntarily leave my job i cant get any benefits
• i get no help at all from anwhere. i owe the child tax credits people 2K that they are chasing me for from 2005 when ds was small. i get nothing. i earn 30K plus so i'm not eligible for any financial help
• i left my ex 2 years ago but he is still controlling my life & criticising me every day and i have to do most of the childcare, child-rearing, pay for the fter school clubs / trips / uniforms etc
• i'm overweight. disgusting. obese. greasy & unwashed. every time i see a picture of myself i just want to hook a belt over the door and round my neck and end it all. i have no time or money to spend on myself
• i dont have any close friends. i dont fit in with the yummy mummies (all thin, coiffed, home-owning) and my old friends dont have kids and are off having careers and buying their first houses & getting engaged (i had kids young, i'm early 30s) so i have drifted apart. i literally have no-one i can call for a chat apart from the controlling ex. i have no time or money to try new activities / catch up with mates. every evening i have to log on and work when the kids are asleep. i'm permanently exhausted & rushing. no support from family.

sorry. it feels better to have written that down. it feels completely impossible to tackle. if you were in my situation, where would you start? i will be so grateful for any ideas, i've been so brave and strong for 2 years but my situation's not improved and now i'm really struggling. thanks for reading

Once you are on top of flat - then look at others in your area - that's a huge rent - could you find 1 nestlings bedroomed with huge living room and make it cheaper??

I'd throw the net curtains! Rip them down and chuck em.

Just another person wanted to offer a bit of support. I agree with all of the above. It is one step at a time but your circumstances aren't insurmountable. You're not pathetic. You've walked away from a difficult relationship to a man who is still trying to pull you down.

I agree you can start taking the multivitamins. Think about asking your GP for antidepressants so you can find enough get up and go to tackle the issues. Definitely, definitely talk to the CAB about your finances and avoid using the credit card - that's a vicious cycle! Call your landlord. Tell him you are preparing to tackle your home but you need a fully functioning washing machine! I find tackling just one thing that's a problem takes a load off my mind. You don't have to be alone in this situation but you have to admit to people in RL that you feel overwhelmed.

You can do this! :) keep posting so you can see how far you've come.

Frenchie - if you were not good at your job they would not have kept you.
I think you are putting yourself under pressure

I have 2 kids and I am single mum - but mines are older, they are in secondary school. How old are yours?

Is your flat localized handy for your work?

I know how hard it is to start going - but perhaps try to tidy one drawer or a shelf a week - going through stuff slowly but without hesitation/
cx

thank you for your support.

Ghoulia - my parents are v emotionally distant. they own their own mortgage-free 3 bed house worth probably 750K. plus they just inherited 100K which they say they will use to fund their retirements (at the moment they both work full time). i have told them that i am struggling and they give me the odd hundred quid which i am vgrateful for (and coudnt manage without) - they are tories and think i have made my bed, now i have to lie in it - they also think i should get back with the ex even though they have witnesed him being violent and i even called them when he was hitting me and they came and picked up me and the kids... every time i see them i feel worse! gah

Actually reread - try these people re debt here my friend used them and she said they were wonderful - they are a charity.

oh! xposts. i am a bit slow typing with this old keyboard and i am overwhelmed by all of your messages. i am so glad i posted here. thank you! i actually feel tearful with gratitude.

i definitely need to declutter. i do try - feels like its all i ever do - but its a constant battle.

thank you

I wouldn't contact landlord until you are on top of the flat, as it's your cat that brought fleas.

Also agree throw out nets!!!

And I know this is going to piss people off - can you rehome the cat?

Avocado - the dcs are 5 and 8. and our flat is the cheapest in the area (really - we are in london...) and its handy for school and my job and for the dcs dad.

i browse find a property.com every day dreaming about living in a 3 bed house so my kids could have a bedroom each, and a staircase (we are ground floor and they are obsessed with having stairs in their house like their friends do), and a lawn garden so ds could play football, and and and... (not healthy maybe but a girl has to dream)

Just wanted to add my support. It's so easy to forget all the things you are doing right when things are hard, and you are doing a huge amount right in a really crappy situation. Could you make a list of five good things to look at when you're on a low?

I'm too ashamed of my shit-tippy house to let anyone come round, and it's horrible. The stress of living in an unpleasant environment is huge and the feeling of being under siege is very hard to escape. Are there any local green spaces you can take the kids and get away? Might give you the head-space you need to tackle a little bit more.

Good luck and remember you will get through this :)

soveryhard - its difficult as i took the cat from an old school friend of mine who couldnt keep him any more. i promised to look after him and she found it hard to part with him. and he is no trouble and its fab for the dcs to have a pet. and it keeps the ex away as he is allergic to cats. BUT officially i am not allowed a cat in the house so thats why i dont get the landlord round.. a quandry. and i do love the cat, he is company for me when the dcs are with their dad... but yeah it would maybe be sensible to get rid

To declutter you have to be MEAN - no this may come in handy etc, bin keep charity shop.

That's all.

You can do it - also - taking 10 minutes to shower - will make you feel better - promise.

I probably look like a happy mummy, have nice house, size 12 - last week I had to have friends to look after DCs because I'm not coping with them, I'm skinny because I can't eat through stress and I haven't slept without nightmares for over 6 months.

Everyones life behind closed doors, just look after your own. Have you thought about joining gingerbread or somewhere you can get out with DCs on weekend?

*everyones life is different behind closed doors

thank you enjoyingscience. i like your name :-)

yes we get out and about a lot - i am happier out of home than at home - which is great and means we see a lot, and get fresh air, and the kids do their activities, but also means that what with working full time and spending every other minute at the exs flat - long story - i never ever get time in my own house in daylight to do tidying. i need to be tougher with the ex.

I would keep the cat forever - if it keeps ex away :)

It is expensive in London, that's true, but as times goes by, in a few years - you will earn more and kids will be looking after themselves too

It is hard to keep positive all the time, but think of something what used to make you happy - is it possible to have a little bit of that now, when kids are away with their dad?

(I do hope he takes them away for half a day or so)

soveryhard - thank you for the reminder. i do way too much comparing. you have been so generous today, i really hope things pick up for you very soon.

i actually stink of BO so i am off to shower right NOW (dcs are with their dad today) and will check this thread again later. thanks again x

Next weekend - take the DCs to the natural history museum.

Take a picnic - give yourself something nice to look forward to. Life is crap sometimes and it's baby steps to get through it - one tiny step at a time - each box that's gone - sense of achievement - I always have a charity shop carrier bag going on back of door - that way, if I come across something too small etc, it's in the bag straight away.

Cat - well you've done a lot but I'm guessing it's costing a lot you haven't got at the moment.

yes Avocado he does take them but not according to any routine. they spend about 50 percent of their time with him but he wont decide until sometimes as late as 7pm. whenever i pick the kids up from school i have to take them round to his house and cook their dinner there, bath them there. often they end up staying there, otherwise i will bring them home with me late and drop them off with him at 8.30 in the morning so he can take them to school and i can be at work by 9am. it is very chaotic for them and i have tried to persuade him to agree to a routine. sorry that wasnt really youir question - anyway - the shower beckons

Yeah to shower - that's the start - re ex - stuff him - practise in mirror "NO, I have to sort my own flat out", "NO ex (knobhead) I'm busy", or just "NO".

Don't reply to this til after shower - stop taking DCs to exes, really, make him pick them up like everyone else, no wonder you haven't got time to sort yourself out.

You need to make a life for yourself that doesn't involve so much time with ex, otherwise youse as well be still together xx

Frenchie - I don't want to be judgmental, but it looks like your ex is controlling your life

you are a single parent, yet you have no routine - that is killing you. I think once you sort out routine , some plan where you know you have whole day to yourself, but well in advance you will be able to first have good rest and then take little steps to do what you know needs doing.

I don't know you or him - but perhaps spend your next £100 your parents give you on an assertiveness course?

Un-MN hugs for you OP. I'd make a list. I'm big on lists. I'd start with the easy things first.

1. Decluttering the flat. Book a day off work when the DCs are at school. Take the duvets/pillows to the launderette first thing. Work through each room methodically, being ruthless with throwing things out. Go through every drawer.

Collect clean bedding at the end of the day.

1. Flea infestation. Flea bombs and a flea collar for the cat.
2. A lick of paint. You can paint a room, two coats including the woodwork in a day. That can be another day off.
3. Visit to the GP (on way home from launderette) and a prescription for ADs
4. Stop visiting the ex

And so on. Just stick to the list. Put time on the list for you.

People are not what they seem. I am thin as a rake but of course that's probably a by-product of my drinking problem

I reread my last message and irealised I sounded a bit rude - what I meant was - Ithink you need to learn to say no for the sake of your sanity

I have two words for you

baby steps

make a big list of what you want to achieve, and then break it down into little jobs.

Flat tidy-- too big a job, you need to start small, and work up. So, maybe instead you need break it into rooms, then areas in the room.

Look at this website, it is pretty inspirational and practical.

Get your hair cut and your eyebrows waxed. This alone will make a big difference to how you look/feel.

Go to CAB, get some debt advice and some family advice. I would advocate calling SS, or at least asking your HV for some practical support.

You know you need to improve things. You are doing an amazing job though, single parent, good job, left and abusive ex, keeps toxic family at a distance. You have alot to be proud of Make sure that you acknowledge those massive achievements everyday. Stick a post it on your mirror with a little boast list and make sure you read it and internalise it everyday.

tel your EX to fuck off with his shit I am at what you do for him! Do you have mug on your forehead?!! C'mom girlie, kick him in the nuts and tell him to pick the kids up and have proper contact like a real dad/man. Sounds like a total wank stain. Thank the lord you have left him!!