this is what's wrong with my life. how can i start to tackle any of it?

[superfrenchie1]

having a bad day. can't stop crying. i don't know where to begin or where to go for help. this is the list of the things i'd like to change. if you have any ideas i would be so so grateful. i am feeling very very low and alone and just dont know where to turn. ok here goes:

• me and 2 dcs live in a shabby, untidy rented 2 bed flea-infested flat
• this flat costs me 1100 pounds every month, over half of my salary
• dd and ds share a box room with just enough room for bunk beds and no floor space (and FLEAS, ugh)
• all the kids' friends live in big houses that they OWN which are tastefully decorated. my kids dont understand why they dont have a proper home. i grew up in a middle class family - the guilt that my children are worse off than me, and dont have a stable home, is unbearable
• dd goes to school every day covered in flea bites. it looks like chicken pox.
• i owe so many people money. thousands. they keep sending me bailiff letters saying i have to go to court etc, and i just ignore them. my credit rating has been shit for years
• i have no savings. none. havent been abroad for 10 yrs. dcs have never been on foreign holiday.
• i have a full time job BUT i can't do it. it's too difficult. i put on a brave face but i cant cope, its too stressful ad i dont have enough time to do the job - i have to pick the kids up from school at 3.30 3 days a week - its all getting too much and thethought of work makes me panic
• i cant leave my job because then i wont have any money and wont be able to pay rent
• if i voluntarily leave my job i cant get any benefits
• i get no help at all from anwhere. i owe the child tax credits people 2K that they are chasing me for from 2005 when ds was small. i get nothing. i earn 30K plus so i'm not eligible for any financial help
• i left my ex 2 years ago but he is still controlling my life & criticising me every day and i have to do most of the childcare, child-rearing, pay for the fter school clubs / trips / uniforms etc
• i'm overweight. disgusting. obese. greasy & unwashed. every time i see a picture of myself i just want to hook a belt over the door and round my neck and end it all. i have no time or money to spend on myself
• i dont have any close friends. i dont fit in with the yummy mummies (all thin, coiffed, home-owning) and my old friends dont have kids and are off having careers and buying their first houses & getting engaged (i had kids young, i'm early 30s) so i have drifted apart. i literally have no-one i can call for a chat apart from the controlling ex. i have no time or money to try new activities / catch up with mates. every evening i have to log on and work when the kids are asleep. i'm permanently exhausted & rushing. no support from family.

sorry. it feels better to have written that down. it feels completely impossible to tackle. if you were in my situation, where would you start? i will be so grateful for any ideas, i've been so brave and strong for 2 years but my situation's not improved and now i'm really struggling. thanks for reading

Morning,

Have you got a to do list today? Good Luck!

I havent read the whole thread but just wanted to add something i've just started doing that i've learnt from my Cognitive Behaviour Therapist ( was on waiting list for ages, tried prozac but it made me too dozy to function)

At the end of every day write something positive in a Positive Journal. A simple notebook that you keep with you. At first it might be 'washed my hair, fed the kids' then the next day you will start thinking about what you're gonna write that evening. The next day you might write ' had a joke with the kids, the sun was shining, picked some flowers from beside the road, cooked 2 different veg for tea'
Whatever you can think of is a positive thing that day. Never write a negative thing. At the end of a few weeks it builds up to a catalogue of lots of little things and you can read it and remind yourself you are doing ok, one step at a time.
It really works.

Hi Frenchie,

I've been lurking from the beginning but wanted to say - well done. You really are doing amazingly. It is so hard to see the wood from the trees and start doing little things when everything seems so shit, but you are managing and that is wonderful :)

I agree the two biggest things seem to be getting the cat injected and learning to say no to your ex, I have no experience of an ex like that so won't offer any advice but I know the cat injections someone mentione above are great.

What you said earlier about it being a short part of your children's lives? That is so true. They will remember very little of this, if you keep hugging them and feeding them (anything!) and taking them to the theatre. By the time they are teenagers they will have a sorted mum and a clean flat and a nice flea-free cat and this will all be a vague memory. My dad left when I was 8 and I can remember vaguely mum started smoking, crying a lot, the house bring a tip. But they ate really one or two slight memories. My mum Is wonderful and we ended up all being happy :)

So keep on plodding on :)

frenchie a spreadsheet?! Wowzas you are on fire!

frenchie you're doing fantastically! I did wonder - no idea how feasible it is - if you could take a week's holiday when your children are in school to give you more time to do some bigger jobs and recharge your batteries?

I like the idea of a positive journal as suggested above. I'd try to add a couple of things you're thankful for. Even if initially its dc1 and dc2! I've found that very helpful when I've struggled in the past. Just keep going, we're all rooting for you!

Another lurker who just wants to say well done.

I've just read your thread, and only wish I lived in London! I'd be round like a shot to help you.

You have some very good advice on her and seem to be doing quite well on it. Why is it that you have to stay ad ex's house when kids are there? I think I missed that part.

You are amazing Frenchie.

I posted upthread, under another name, but I have been following it since your OP.

The thing I was going to say is: don't be too quick to write off two potential sources of support. They are:

The school
Other mums at the school

Other mums:
I know they look all sorted and yummy-ish, but scratch the surface and there might be some really brilliant support out there. I am aware that I might look a bit like that myself - not in a glamorous way, but I pushed a typically 'trendy' pram, wear quite a bit of Boden and live in a nice area. However, last year I went through a really tough period in my marriage - the peak of the crisis lasted five months, plus months of problems either side. I probably looked very sorted on the outside, but on the inside I was in pain. Put it this way, appearances can sometimes be deceptive and I am sure there are mothers at the school gate who can understand what you are going through.

The School
I am an ex-primary teacher/senior leader and I think that a confidential appointment with your HT or any community outreach member of staff might bear dividends. Teachers do receive training in domestic violence and a school may be able to get you support that you may find harder to access as an individual. I would categorise your ex as emotionally and physically abusive: even just talking about it may be helpful. However, they will want to know in order to be able to support you and the chidlren as much as possible. Try it, please.

I am not sure. I think social services have huge powers. One lady just told her GP she felt depressed and she was a senior person and she nearly lost her son forl ife. The less people tell schools and doctors about their inability to cope sadly the better particularly if an ex might also swoop and get the children.

Keep on with the daily improvements. I think the advice about thinking of positive things is good too.

Frenchie, you're an absolute inspiration! Just been catching up and am in awe of what you've done over the past few days. Congratulations!

I hope it's ok if I add/repeat a few more ideas for you to take or leave as you see fit. Sorry in advance for the incredible length!

• Firstly, please don't fall into the trap of thinking you're only doing ok as long as you're in fighting spirits and making obvious, practical progress. Inevitably there will be a bad day ahead at some point, and on those days it's especially important not to beat yourself up and slip back into believing all your worst thoughts. So please don't hold back in telling us about the awful moments as well as the good ones. Look what happened on Sunday when you did

• On the subject of worst/best thoughts, try to go through the day believing in your best, boldest most heroic version of yourself! I know it goes against the grain, but IME believing the critical thoughts leads to a vicious circle of overwhelm, self-reproach and a sort of hopeless paralysis, whereas choosing to opt in to your kindest, most positive thoughts about yourself brings relief, energy, power, freedom and a sort of upward-spiralling snowball effect which is far more likely to get you where you want to be.

• I know it's been said lots of times already, but whatever priorities you decide to set for yourself, keep the individual steps really, really small so that you can enjoy achieving them, and then be sure to celebrate them well! (I have a list on the wall at the moment where I'm writing down even my most microscopic achievements, just so I can remind myself of the successes as well as the setbacks. I've also had phases of doing the gratitude journal thing and am amazed at how much difference it makes to notice and appreciate even the smallest moments of happiness. Oh, and btw, I thought both these practices sounded really stupid until I started doing them!)

• Try to bring as much beauty and pleasure as possible into the mundane and tedious bits of your day. The hot coffee after the hoovering, the lovely notebook to write happy things in, absurd triumphant dancing to music when you cross something off your list, a single fresh flower, whatever you can discover to make your heart lift a bit. I'm guessing that if you feel bad about your weight and your finances, you're probably in a habit of denying yourself things a lot of the time, and feeling guilty when you don't. So how about seeing what happens when you try to be extravagently generous to yourself instead? See if you can tune in to more of the little, everyday things that make you happy. You don't have to wait until your life is "sorted" to deserve them.

• Get as much sleep as you possibly can. (I know it's not easy.) Practise saying to yourself "I have done enough for today."

Thinking of you and hoping today has been ok.

i like your advice to Frenchie, Brightplaces xx will help me too

it's the everyday things as mini treats that work, as you said. I do the, so if I get through today, I'll do xyz, or eat xyz or whatever. Works for me, as some days can go on and on in the most mundane neverending way at times

Hey frenchie, just popping in to see how you are getting on. How is everything, please don't post if things are not going well, you can vent here!

Hi. So sorry to read your post. Hang in there. Do you have a support system at work you can talk to? If it is a large company you work for, they usually have a hotline you can call as a first step. I
would advise you to call in sick tomorrow and talk to you GP or print out this post and take it and show him/her.

Morning Super, how are you doing?

You don't have to use Rentokil, your council will probably have a pest control dept and will come and flea treat the entire flat much cheaper than Rentokil.
I've got the council coming out this afternoon to do my house - cost is £40.

Ah! Haven't been able to get online at home for a few days but now i come back to so many new, wonderful, practical and supportive messages. i can't reply to each one but i have absolutely read them all and will do so again - thank you thank you.

yes i am in a much better place than i was when i posted a week and a bit ago (or whenever it was). i have slightly tackled the house and the finances. i bought a new flea spray and it seems to have made a difference - or at least i thought so until i was in a work meeting today and scratched my lip and found that there was a flea crawling on it... UGH! but overall, seems better.

haven't done much more with that spreadsheet OR started a journal yet. had some really bad times with the ex -he's been horrible the last few days actually. and i suspect i'm feeling better because i'm back to being busy, and the moment i have a day on my own when i'm not rushing about, i'll collapse again. and, you know, i realised that actually i am bloody lonely with no adult to talk to apart from one who is mean. so, i need to make more effort to see friends and make new friends. i definitely get energy from people, and talking, and find it useful to explain stuff (can you tell? )

i would LOVE to take a week off when the kids were at school to get straight and have a rest - but sadly all of my annual leave is used up in school holidays...

to those who got in touch about a london meetup, i am definitely keen, but wary of trying to do too much (which stresses me out bigtime) so i need to wait a week or two - i've got more work overnight trips coming up and all sorts of complicated arrangements, and still no regular routine.

i am still fragile but i am remembering to say thank you and be grateful for what we've got, and almost as if i'm on the verge of being really strong again and putting the ex in his place once and for all - not quite yet - but i'm building up to it. thank you all for making me realise i\m not alone and not the only one - it's been so unbelievably great hearing from you all x

frenchie did you see what selks suggested about calling your local council about getting them in to get rid of the fleas? £40 seems OK. I could chip in a bit of money towards that if you like?

YOu are doing great...Ex is being an arse cos he can see that he is losing his hold on you. He will be a nasty oaf but you know that, and you can handle that. Just keep telling him..."no, that doesn't work for me" you can even add a shrug of the shoulders when he starts questioning. Juts be a broken record with him. Kiss your kids and get going out of his toxic atmosphere!

It is hard to make friends, and it takes time, but it will come.

cooo--eee frenchie, are you about?!

Bumping as I was just thinking about you, Frenchie. Hope you're ok

Still thinking of you too, superfrenchie.