If a car ran over your foot...

[DrasticMeasures]

it would damage it, wouldn't it? What might happen?

Actually I do think it might be a good idea to see a different doctor, and today if you can.
if your own doc just thinks you should be able to "carry on" he might not be that interested in your current symptoms, which may even be side-effects of your current meds. A fresh perspective might be just what you need and may make all the difference to you.

I went through a similar thing a long time ago so totally get where you're coming from. I planned to crash my company car, just badly enough to give myself whiplash or something.

I realised that it wasn't the answer and I left the job.

Life's too short to feel like you do right now.

Having my DCs completely wrecked my career, but at the end of the day, I'm much more relaxed and I spend much more 'quality time' with them that I would if I was working as much as I used to.

Being signed off by your GP lets you get off the hamster wheel for a while and reconsider what you want and can realistically cope with.

Something's got to give, and it can't be your health. Your family need you too much.

(((hug)))

hi drastic. i agree you do sound to be thinking a bit more 'naturally' (sorry i dont know what other word fits) today. as in your response to what you are thinking of doing is a bit closer to what everyone else is thinking about it.

you say you dont want to be ill. of course you dont. think of what the best way to stop being ill is? is injuring yourself a cure for a MH problem? when you have a headache do you bash your hand on teh wall to sure teh headache? or due you seek treatment for teh source of the pain?

see a new GP. you need medical help for what is very much a medical problem. just teh same as you would see a GP for an ear infection. this needs to be treated and guess what, it could be all it takes to help you start feeling better. once you get all those feelings out and get them acknowledged by a professional you could start to feel better straight away and the GP will help you make a plan to help you get yourself back to normal. you need to do this for yourself, you owe it to yourself to be in a happy place.

It happened to me once - small car though. And it wasn't broken.

I am sooooo accident prone, I can't believe it!

I'm glad drastic that you are having insight that ur thoughts of harming yourself is irrational that's a start.
There should be a mental health care team near you that can help. They usually have drop in clinics where u can see someone pretty soon whoever is on duty. Your surgery or Nhs direct could give you info on this if u phone them.

yes cailin, depression and anxiety/panic attacks for as long as I can remember..

Do you have any help with it Trinity?

I'm on ad's when I remember to take them
asked for help years ago from ss, they said I needed some sort of help but didn't do anything
I sorted out counselling, that helped for a good long time
counsellor retired
dh died
ss jumped on me like a sack of shit, threatening all sorts
I again asked for a cpn, cant have one as I dont want to kill myself
I keep coming off and going on ads cause I have zero memory to remember to take them and I'm just basically shite all the time about everything

I'm sorry for the hijack op

don't worry cailin, I'm not going to do anything stupid

I know you're not going to do anything Trinity. It sounds like you have a massive amount on your plate. I'm so sorry to hear that your DH died :( What are SS threatening?

Unfortunately I think your experience isn't unusual. Mental health services are absolutely abysmal. I found, same as you, that if I wasn't just about to jump off a bridge then I was basically told to get on with things. It's awful.

he died suddenly in a hideous car accident at the end of 2009
my girls were, 9,4 and 2
they took one look at the house and one sw started saying how easily he could take my children
I cowtailed (is that even a word) to everything they made me do

they got birthdates wrong, timelines wrong, listened to rumour, said I was only thinking of myself (when I became a leetle gaurded about having the one that had been saying he could take them in my house)

they were on the at risk register for the least amoiunt of time they could be (six months) for emotional abuse

I didn't get a cpn (cause although I clearly needed help, I wasn't suicidal...)

they gave my children play therapy and then deemed that dd2 was 'grieving appropriately for a child who hadn't had her father in her life'...(dh was in the navy on submarines so away for large chunks, no contact quite alot)

EXCEPT THAT DD2 WAS THE CHILD THAT DID HAVE DH IN HER LIFE CONSTANTLY AS HE CAME OUT OF THE NACY WHEN SHE WAS LITTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so they have checked her out with the wrong facts in their head

I've told them, they made a few agreeing noises and dod FUCK ALL

she is still pulling her hair out, still never been dry but no help

I have re referred her to CAHMS but want to deal with a different one than we had just after dh died as he never spoke to dd2 and just told me to shave her head

I shaved her head, she learnt to pull it out when it was only just tiny stubble AND ss had a go at me for abuse as she is a girl and shouldn't have her head shaved

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AND YES I am lazy and crap, zero organisation skill, zero memory
but I love my kids, they are happy (all things considered) , they are excelling in school and ALWAYS HAVE BEEN but apparent;y I'm an emotionally abusive mum that needs to punished but doesn't get any help when begging for it

oh god I'm sorry

verbal diarrhoea, always happens when soemone asks me, I've never got over it

they watched me for ages and still should be (thats what they told me) but one day they just went poof and I've never seen them again

I'm not complaining, I just see it as yet another thing they arent' doing right

(((hugs))) Trin. They let you fall through the cracks somewhat, didn't they. :(

It sounds to me like they just wanted to tick their boxes without actually doing anything practical to help you. Bastards.

How are things going for you at the moment?

I live in a shit tip therefore so does my partner and my children
I'm always looking over my shoulder for 'them'
I hate myself
I sleep alot
I dont wash
I eat crap all the time
I'm scared and panicky

but sometimes I'm happy even though I hate the way I'm living
I love dp
I love my girls to bits,I'm trying to do better for them all
but I feel like I'm walking through quicksand with my arms tied behind my back, blindfolded

I'm sorry op, I'm going now
I didn't mean to do this

Sorry you are feeling like this, Trinity. I'm scared of SS for exactly the reasons you described. So sorry you've been through all this. I remember when your DH died I'd help if I could but you are a long way from me iirc.

I'm scared and panicky too. I'm tempted to put DS in the car and go somewhere far far away.

Trinity, would you consider starting your own thread, just to talk about the stuff that's on your mind?

In your ideal world Drastic, what would you like to happen next?

In an ideal world, I wouldn't be here. But since I have to be, I'd win the lottery and not have to think about bills and money. Then I could stay at home & be here for DS.

Since that isn't going to happen, I either run away and forget everything, which will cause problems and make things worse in the long run. Or I get injured enough that I don't have to think about stuff.

Or get some more help and feel better about stuff! (3rd option)

What would "injured enough" involve?

Drastic it sounds like you need a counsellor to sort all these issues out with you.

But what other help is there? I am not ill. I'm ok, just a bit stressed. I don't want the life I have. I have a psychiatrist who said I cope very well with everything. I'm on meds.

And I do cope with things, I plod on and on and on and on til I can't do it anymore.

Counselling is an option but the psych said he wanted to make sure my mood was better first.

Drastic - you are not well either. You are therefore ill. Please stop trying to talk yourself out of the help you clearly need. If your psych thinks you are coping that's because you are lying to him/her and pretending you are doing fine because you keep thinking "I'm not ill".

Stop it - be honest. Tell the truth. Tell them that you're carrying on on by autopilot and that you'd far rather run screaming from everything, or get yourself half-crippled so that you don't have to ever go back to work.

This is illness. Your inability to recognise that it is illness is PART of the illness. Accept it and DO something about it.

Do you think you're coping at the moment?

Drastic, I know nothing about MH issues so feel free to ignore me.

You seem to be focusing on work as something you have to go back to because you need the cash?

Have you properly looked into leaving and what does your DP think?

There may be options of smaller house, different job, self employed, tax credits, benefits, less disposable income.

May be worth a look?