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Original poster

If a car ran over your foot...

415 replies

DrasticMeasures · 30/05/2012 13:17

it would damage it, wouldn't it? What might happen?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 31/05/2012 14:17

You're tired and you're ill Drastic. You need a break. You aren't ready to go back to work, and your GP must sign you off. If your own GP is shit (which seems to be the case) see a different one and tell him/her exactly what you've said here. You're not unusual or mad, you're sick, same as someone who has cancer or the flu. You can't put your body through things that it's not well enough to endure. The desire to hurt yourself is your body sending you a very strong signal that you can't go on the way you're going. It's the mental equivalent of bodily pain - if you ignore pain, the illness gets worse.

How are you feeling?

TrinityIsAFuckingRhino · 31/05/2012 14:40

drastic
I don't have a job at all let alone a stressful job but I feel the same as you

its not you're fault, you need some more help

just because you haven't managed to get it yet doesn't mean that you don't need it

just that you need to try and get it till you do

I'm sorry I shat on your thread

Good luck

Original poster
DrasticMeasures · 31/05/2012 16:10

Trinity - please don't feel like you can't post here. This thread is not what I intended anyway. There are lots of lovely people with lots of good advice. And I am grateful to everybody who has taken the time to post - thank you.

I am tired. Very tired.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 31/05/2012 16:39

It's very obvious that you're tired Drastic. You need a rest, a proper rest where you take time out from the stress of your job.

What's your plan?

TrinityIsAFuckingRhino · 31/05/2012 16:41

thanks drastic for being so kind

I wish I had a plan Sad

Original poster
DrasticMeasures · 31/05/2012 16:44

I don't have much of a plan. Tonight: Dinner, bath for DC then bed (for me as well)

Tomorrow: pack, go away. It's only me and DC so won't be much of a rest but it'll be a break and away from household chores.

After that, who knows?

I spend each day filled with regret, wishing I'd died when I tried to kill myself years ago. It would have saved an awful lot of bother. I wish I didn't have to keep dealing with this. I'm too tired to keep battling and if it keeps happening then it's pointless fighting it. I always said this would kill me one day.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 31/05/2012 16:47

When did you try to kill yourself? What did you do?

Original poster
DrasticMeasures · 31/05/2012 16:50

Five years ago I drank a lot of wine & ODed on various meds then tried to slash my wrists. I wish I'd done it properly.

16 years ago, I ODed but it was a pathetic attempt. I didn't know what I was doing.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 31/05/2012 16:52

So it's been going on for a long time. No wonder you're exhausted.

It sounds to me like you're still suicidal. Is that right?

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 31/05/2012 16:52
Sad

Drastic, you really do need help, it doesn't have to be like this. Most people do not wish themselves dead, it's an indicator that you are very unwell and in need of help.

Your gp sounds like a nob, I know it's hard when you are at your lowest ebb to fight the system but you really need to see another gp. Someone who has more compassion and experience of mental health problems. You need to see a psychiatrist IMO.

Don't let it beat you. For your sake and for your children's sake, life can be better than this.

Take care of yourself x

Original poster
DrasticMeasures · 31/05/2012 16:58

I've had many good years in between. I've been very well for the past 3-4 years. I'm not actively suicidal - I don't want to die. I just wish I were already dead. I won't do anything - I love DC. But every day I regret that I didn't die before. I'm stuck in a sort of no-man's land now - I wish I weren't here but I can't do anything about it. So I fake a smile and go to work and talk to my friends and pretend everything is lovely. It's torture.

If I still feel like this next week, I might call the psych. I don't know. I don't feel ill & I don't want to waste anyone's time.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 31/05/2012 17:01

What would "feeling ill" be like?

TrinityIsAFuckingRhino · 31/05/2012 17:02

drastic you dont have to feel ill to be ill

please call the psych soon not next week

why dont you just read out your posts on here to them? if it might be easier
I know how it feels to go to someone to ask for help and then not know what to say

RabbitsMakeBrownEggs · 31/05/2012 17:14

I have always been unaware of quite how ill I am until it is pointed out by people who know me/medical professionals. Why don't you get the assessment now before you make your mind up about whether you are ill or not.

The people commenting are unanimous that you need to get yourself checked as you sound like you are ill. Trust us if you don't trust yourself.

Feeling the way you do is abnormal, it's part of your illness which the doctors are there to treat, so you will not be wasting anyone's time.

Toaster24 · 31/05/2012 17:14

Oh Drastic, I feel so sad for you. I was once in exactly the place where you are now.

You need to get some more help, so that you can feel better.

It is possible to feel better. You won't always feel the way you do now. I'm proof of that.

You won't be wasting their time. You are important, as important as anyone else, and right now you're not well. It doesn't make any difference that you don't feel 'ill' - the emptiness and despair that you're feeling are more than enough justification.

Anhedonia is a physical malfunction in the brain's neurotransmitters:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anhedonia
and is quite easy and quick to fix chemically (I'm speaking from personal experience here).

You really need to call the psychiatrist, or make an appointment with a different GP, as soon as possible. Please.

Original poster
DrasticMeasures · 31/05/2012 17:30

I've got better before. But then it happens again. Even the psychiatrist said it's likely to come back. I don't know how much fight I have left in me.

Maybe I'll call them tonight when DC in bed. But then it's not a crisis or an emergency so maybe I should wait til the morning?

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 31/05/2012 17:32

It IS a crisis when you are talking about hurting yourself to avoid work. If they don't think it's a crisis they will tell you to call back in the morning, which you can do if need be.

wheniwishuponastar · 31/05/2012 17:41

Call Nhs direct and find out the nearest mental health services to you.

Original poster
DrasticMeasures · 31/05/2012 17:44

I have a crisis number or I can call local mind helpline.

What do I say? Blush

OP posts:
wheniwishuponastar · 31/05/2012 17:45

Also make sure you tell the professionals how u r when at your worst. Do not put a brave face on as they will think u r fine and won't help u.

valiumredhead · 31/05/2012 17:45

Ring the crisis number - say to them you have been seriously considering harming yourself x

Toaster24 · 31/05/2012 17:51

Call the crisis number and say the same things that you've said in this thread.

I know that's hard.

If it makes it easier, you could say:

"I find it hard to share my feelings, so I'm going to read out what I've written about how I feel:"

"I spend each day filled with regret, wishing I'd died when I tried to kill myself years ago. It would have saved an awful lot of bother. I wish I didn't have to keep dealing with this. I'm too tired to keep battling and if it keeps happening then it's pointless fighting it. I always said this would kill me one day."

"Five years ago I drank a lot of wine & ODed on various meds then tried to slash my wrists. I wish I'd done it properly."

"I just wish I were already dead. ... every day I regret that I didn't die before. ... I wish I weren't here ... So I fake a smile and go to work and talk to my friends and pretend everything is lovely. It's torture. "

^ all of which is things that you said upthread.

That should get the conversation started at least.

Toaster24 · 31/05/2012 17:57

Oh, and tell them that you've been making a plan to harm yourself. That's quite important too. Blush

CailinDana · 31/05/2012 18:15

Ring them. What have you got to lose? You're really at the end of your tether at some stage so you might as well give it a go. What do you think?

fluffydressinggown · 31/05/2012 18:15

DrasticMeasures I have similar thoughts/plans about harming myself and I was so surprised when the crisis team took me seriously and offered me quite comprehensive support. They were not shocked and I expected to be told off for being dramatic but I was not - they were sympathetic and kind and listened. They are not always brilliant (expect lots of suggestions of cups of tea and baths which can be infuriating) but once you get past the frippery they can offer decent support and sign post you on to further support.

I have no real advice but I know how exhausting this is, when every single thing is a huge huge battle and you can't see a way out. I still can't see a way out but after having crisis team support I know I am being given the support I desperately need while I feel so unsafe. I think feeling unsafe in yourself is hard work as well, like you can't trust yourself, I don't know, but it is a feeling that wipes you out.