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[Quattrocento]

I have a friend who has mental health issues. Hitherto, this friend has been dearly beloved, and cared for and treated as one of the family.

Recently this friend made a fairly serious suicide attempt. He spent 10 days in hospital, stomach pumps, drips, psychiatric evaluations and what have you.

During all this time, I was his only visitor. I took him food (daily), clean clothes, washed him and kept him company. I did not have time for this. There was one day when I had to catch a flight to Zurich, getting up at 4am, landing back in the UK at 7pm, and then driving 90 minutes to get to the hospital to check he was okay, take him fresh clothes and food and stay for a couple of hours to keep him company. I neglected my own family throughout this entire period.

I was horrified by the behaviour of his mother and sister, who never once visited. I was horrified by the behaviour of his million and one semi-friends, who also never visited. I can tell you that this took a huge emotional and physical toll on me. I was terrified for the first 24 hours when it wasn't clear whether he would survive. The next 9 days were no picnic either.

So, said friend posts on FB "Thanks to all of you who were there during the dark times". And I think, well, I didn't want any recognition for this. But frankly, there was no-one else there during those dark times, other than me. And I feel unreasonably angry about this post. I spent those days oscillating between being exhausted and being terrified. I didn't do it for recognition. I did it because I love him. But this form of non-recognition (thanking his other 700 FB friends for 'being there' when they patently weren't and I would so have loved someone, anyone else being there to help) is offensive. I am just angry about this.

From a fridge magnet of DP's: I have your diagnosis. You're a wanker.

Except it's unPC to say that someone's just a self-absorbed tosspot so it has to be labeled, unfortunately to the detriment of people with real MH issues.

I would be seriously questioning why such a close friend was so evasive about so many details. Truly ill people generally split into two camps - those who discuss it in great detail and those who don't talk about it at all ever.

I'm sure there are underlying psychological reasons for his behaviour, but you can't cure them. You're destroying yourself trying.

you said he was sectioned.
they dont section people lightly!

but as you were so easily able to take him away from the hosp i wonder....

did you see any actual paperwork?

has h shared any psych reports with you?

"The worst of times was in the hospital. He'd been detained under the Mental Health Act, and therefore wasn't allowed out of the ward. They'd made it clear to him that if he absconded, the police would come and find him."

so - did it say "psychiatric unit" on the door?
did you have to sign in and out as a visitor?

did "they" tell you this or was it only what he told you "they" had said?

is he a fantasist?

( i still dont quite understand actually how you manged to walk out with him in gardens if he was sectioned, without a nurse or someone giving you expres permission?)

when my exP was voluntarily in psych unit he was allowed out, met with me adn Dc in park etc but then he wasnt sectioned.
but visiting him it was very controlled.

cestlavie Regarding being sectioned and time out of the ward, I think this all depends on the patient and what part of the mental health act they are sectioned under i.e for how long. Short term emergency detentions - then no, in my experience patients arent arent allowed out of the ward without a Nurse present. But patients on longer term sections could eventually get unancompanied time out -which if they didnt come back involved phoning the Police.

I have no idea whether your friend OP has a mental health problem or not, none of us do, but it does sound as if he has psychological issues at least.

Q - so - did it say "psychiatric unit" on the door?

A - I think it said 'Emergency Assessment Unit' Definitely everyone in there had mental health issues.

Q - did you have to sign in and out as a visitor?

A - No but you did have to be buzzed in and out, and let them know where you were going. He's a smoker so he always said he was going out for a cigarette.

Q - did "they" tell you this or was it only what he told you "they" had said?

A - This is what he told me they had said

Q - Is he a fantasist?

I actually feel horrified now.

Actually, I've just recollected there were two wards

He was transferred from the first one to the second after a couple of days

But the door buzzing and secure thing applied to both. I think the second one had the word Psychiatric in the title

Oh dear Quattro dont feel bad, he has manipulated this situation

what was his reply to your message?? I'm curious how he replied to your directness.

msot hosp wards anyway require buzzing.

dont feel bad - but in future - unless you hear something directly from his treating medical profressional, dont trust blindly what he says.

my exP says he only stayed in the psych unit coz i wouldnt have him at home [given his behaviour, self harm, aggression, etc, which h denied, he was just feeling a bit "down", in his view...]... so they kindly gave him B&B there for ten days...brand new with ensuite shower room too.

It's been a deafening wall of silence.

I will report back if I hear anything more.

I'm convinced he is potty though.

It's not unknown for people to have a dual diagnosis - i.e. have mental health problems and alcohol problems. Each problem can exacerbate the other. It does sound v odd that you have taken on all this responsibility, whilst know so little of his actual diagnosis and treatment. They wouldn't have kept him in hospital for several days for no reason, so there must have been some concern for his mental and/or physical health.

Absolutely agree with you taking a step away from this, for the sake of keeping your own sanity and family life.

I have a text telling me to return two books and a DVD

He usually signs off Initialx - so, Ox for example - and there is no such sign-off here

A burden has been lifted. I really truly and sadly feel that a burden has been lifted.

Oh he has MH issues for sure, but that shouldn't determine whether or not you tolerate his rudeness. I remember when my aunt was sectioned and the doctor telling me not to put up with her rudeness, that I still needed to apply boundaries to the sick.

I agree with the LightPassenger that he sounds like a DD (dual diagnosis) patient.

What was the friendship like when it was good? Was he interested in you or was it mostly about you propping him up?

Telling a friend to return 2 books and a dvd is so petulant. Whether it is fuelled by paranoia or alcohol or whatever, it's still nasty.

I've been suicidal and it never crossed my mind to lash out at anyone. Even while I was trying to figure out how to attach the hosepipe to the exhaust, I was worrying about ensuring everyone had been taken care of, leaving no mess etc. It doesn't change your personality, just your ability to cope at that time.

Well, d'you know that's a good question.

Because it was good, really good, for a long long time. And I do have to hold on to the good times, which lasted for years, in order to make sense of the last year. He was jolly and funny and clever. He would interact so well with the children and DH. They all adored him. He would talk law with DH&I and gossip about soaps with DD and call DS 'dumb' which somehow tickled him. He played tennis and would hit with the children. He seemed interested in us. He came to France with us several times, came to us for Christmas etc. We did all adore him. And this lasted for years and years.

Now I am looking at the last year and I cannot imagine how we got here and where it all went. I feel a huge sense of loss.

Oh, it's sad isn't it. He sounds to be pressing button self-destruct and it's hurting everyone around him, too.

I can't imagine what more you could have done for him, and I hope you can hold onto the happy memories and also the knowledge that you did your absolute best. And way more than many could manage.

This all started over a facebook post yes? MH can be complex, but also very simple.

People with mh issues aren't always raving lunatics (not saying that's what you think btw).

Someone with mental illness could very easily be scared at the prospect of living with others with maybe a more severe or different type of mental illness.

He deleted you probably because he felt hurt, didn't realise his post had pissed you off so much and thought it would be easier for everyone concerned.

Then realised in a moment of clarity that he didn't actually want the friendship to end.

For what its worth, I don't think his fb post was a dig at you, I think it was probably pride talking, he didn't want his "friend list" to think he only had one person who cared, but wanted to aknowledge you.

I am back to being very cross with exF. DD is having a birthday party next weekend, for which many plans had been made and exF was (as ever) an integral part. I have just had to explain to her that exF is not going to be able to come. My normally stroppy teenager burst into tears. He's been to pretty well every one of her parties for years. He is a complete 24 carat twat.

Treadwarily - I do take the points that you've made so touchingly about illness not being an excuse for being rude. And quite mean.

Froggy - I think you are right that perhaps I over-reacted. I know this is not what you said, but I think the thought was there. The thing is I felt so alone in this battle, and the things he was saying were so mad and it never seemed to end. It just went on and on and on, and every encounter seemed to be a jarring one. Worse for him, of course, much worse for him.

I'm sure you feel angry with him, he has been very unkind - to you and your family.

It is a big grief and you will probably feel a lot of anger, sadness, relief etc - all those hard emotions that accompany a big loss.

I feel sorry for you and your family because you sound like such a caring person and you've been very hurt. x

He didn't really want to kill himself, or he would have done it. It is easy to have an "unsuccessful attempt". But did he ever jump in front of a train, or off of a really high building/bridge? Shoot himself in the head?

Does your daughter know what he is putting people through, and how selfishly he has acted? The anxiety he has caused you? If she is a teenager then she is old enough to know he is unbalanced.

Anyone in a psychiatric ward here, deemed to be a danger to themself, is in a locked ward, not allowed to leave to walk outside. After reading all of your posts, it is clear why nobody else bothered with him. They are fed up, as you now are.