To question this comment on Facebook?

[Quattrocento]

I have a friend who has mental health issues. Hitherto, this friend has been dearly beloved, and cared for and treated as one of the family.

Recently this friend made a fairly serious suicide attempt. He spent 10 days in hospital, stomach pumps, drips, psychiatric evaluations and what have you.

During all this time, I was his only visitor. I took him food (daily), clean clothes, washed him and kept him company. I did not have time for this. There was one day when I had to catch a flight to Zurich, getting up at 4am, landing back in the UK at 7pm, and then driving 90 minutes to get to the hospital to check he was okay, take him fresh clothes and food and stay for a couple of hours to keep him company. I neglected my own family throughout this entire period.

I was horrified by the behaviour of his mother and sister, who never once visited. I was horrified by the behaviour of his million and one semi-friends, who also never visited. I can tell you that this took a huge emotional and physical toll on me. I was terrified for the first 24 hours when it wasn't clear whether he would survive. The next 9 days were no picnic either.

So, said friend posts on FB "Thanks to all of you who were there during the dark times". And I think, well, I didn't want any recognition for this. But frankly, there was no-one else there during those dark times, other than me. And I feel unreasonably angry about this post. I spent those days oscillating between being exhausted and being terrified. I didn't do it for recognition. I did it because I love him. But this form of non-recognition (thanking his other 700 FB friends for 'being there' when they patently weren't and I would so have loved someone, anyone else being there to help) is offensive. I am just angry about this.

OP I think you may be reading too much into this. As others have said he may be thank you indirectly, or making a sarcastic comment at those who didn't bother to offer any help. It sounds like you have been a very good friend, and that your friend is also going through a difficult time. I don't think you should get upset or angry about this. Your friend may well have no idea how to thank you or show appreciation for what you have done. If he is in such a bad state he probably isn't able to think about these things in logical way.

As soon as I read it, I thought "He doesn't want people to know that only one person gave a damn about him."

You were an incredible friend to him. Unfortunately, depression at that level is essentially really selfish, in that the person can't think of anything other than themselves. He is still doing that now, isn't he?

It must be really difficult to be at death's door and know that only one person cared enough to be with you. Not even his own mother wanted to be with him. Instead of turning to you and telling you what a good friend he is, he's pretending others cared enough to be there.

He must be in a really dark place, knowing they didn't care.

I think Imperial is right here in some way. Having been very depressed in the past myself, I know that it can be hard to see things from other people's points of views sometimes. Depression can be so all engrossing. I don't really know how to phrase it, but OP please rest assured that you have done the right thing and that your friend is grateful, even if he doesn't know how to express it.

Quattro, it sounds like you have done a lovely thing and it has drained you completely. If you have the chance now to rest, reconnect with your family, do something light (trashy film? trashy book?), then I think you should take that chance -basically, 'sleep on this' for a day or two and see how you feel when you have a bit of distance back.

I hope he continues to recover.

You did an amazing thing for him. Even if he doesn't recognise it properly, remember that he is mentally ill. Feel proud of yourself and try not to let his comments hurt you. As you said, you didn't do it for the recognition, you did it because it was the right thing to do. I know it's hard, but try to let that be enough.

It could have been sarcasm.

Being friends and supporting someone with mh problems can be draining. I know, I trained as a mh nurse and my best friend has a diagnosis of personality disorder.

What you have to remember is sometimes when a person is unwell, they can become quite self centred. They are Ill and it can be very hard for them to look at the bigger picture.

I'm sure he doesn't mean to upset you, and when he's totally well again I'm sure he will be grateful and thank you for all you've done for him.

I'm sorry he's made you feel so upset and angry. It can be realy hard being their for someone when it seems they don't appreciate it. I hope things are better soon x

That's good advice. I am emotionally drained tbh. He is mental and I am so tired. It's so so tempting just to walk away. I'm doggedly determined not to do that, though.

Facebook is all about front - about presenting a version of yourself to the outside world that you feel good about. He wants to seem popular and supported and maybe doesn't want people to feel pity for him.

There's no guarantee of love or awareness from people who have just gone through horrific MH episodes, I'm afraid. I'm quite surprised you challenged him about it, too.

Do look after yourself, your family, and spend some time away from him if that's what you need right now. Your health is important too.

See? This is where well-intentioned friends can go badly wrong. I didn't know it was wrong to challenge him about it.

I truly want out of this situation. But it would be letting him down if I do.

Everybody needs a break. Sometimes it's ok to step back for a little while and look after yourself, if that makes sense.

I dont know if you've put what his diagnosis is and I've missed it, but a diagnosis can give you insite into how a person reacts when they are unwell.

I don't know if you've posted on the mh board, but they might be able to give you some support.

I believe he was telling the truth when he said " he didn't want his FB friends to know that no-one was there but he did want people to know that something had been wrong."
It may not have been the best way, but he is not thinking straight.

Try and remember the reason why you were there for him, because you care about him. You helped him feel loved and brightened his days, his days which were filled with despair. If not for you, he would have been there alone and depressed. You did it because he is your friend and you are his. That is what friends do.

Having been through similar with our bipolar friend, i think there is another side to this. At first i was sad and angry her family all but disowned her and i was almost her only support for a month. Then i realised this was her 6th hospitalization. Her 6th suicide attempt. Her family were distancing themselves because they couldn't bear any more hurt.

Two years on i am still there for her, but no longer sure i would intervene in another attempt. Some people are so ill suicide is possibly better than living in their world. I love my friend and seeing her at her lowest, in the hospital, sobbing because she woke up alive again... I wonder if i might not be a better friend letting her go.

And her illness also makes her alienate people. She is very self oriented and absorbed even on good days. So i can understand why.more casual friends also feel like stepping out when it gets tough. Luckily her illness also makes her totally oblivious to their hurtful neglect and she doesn't notice they weren't there when needed.

Maybe your friend has a similar illness and warped view of the world?

You are a lovely friend Quattro but all I can manage to think from your post is Urrgh! What a dreadfully attention-seeky comment to put on your FB status. I cannot understand why someone would want to draw the attention of 700 aquaintances and non friends to the fact that he has tried to top himself and failed. Gah! I really hate this spilling your guts all over FB crapola, and even worse when it's done in a way to draw an audience in by drip feeding. It is is a gift to Narcisists everywhere.

flyingspaghettimonster, I agree with your analysis. There comes a point where people just cannot bear the burden. That could be why nobody else came.

Flyingspaghettimonster - I am sure that my friend is entirely self-absorbed, and i know he can't see straight at all.

Quattro, your friend is obviously very sick and this can play out in so many ways, one of which will be his communication style/choices. And yes, it can hurt a lot.

You have been a wonderful friend to him, now it is time to take care of yourself. You are allowed to feel exhausted/angry/anything at all. Let yourself have these feelings and time to manage them. Maybe steer clear of FB until you're through this patch.

It looks sarcastic to me.

When I had an operation some of my friends bought flowers, cards, looked after all 3 of my children on numerous occassions. Other friends looked after 1 child for one day and did not then call back over the next few days to see if I was okay.

Should I only thank the friends that did loads and loads?

What I am saying is that although you did loads and loads and are undoubtedly a fantastic friend - well surrogate sister/mother, that does not mean that other friends helped out on a very limited basis.

Okay that limited basis may not have been 'enough' but they did so something. It may have been 1 phone call, text message or other that you are unaware of.

Actually, I hadn't thought of that. Thank you for that perspective.

Whilst I know no-one else sent flowers or cards or visited, it is possible that some people were texting him. I think the issue was that I felt so alone with that huge burden, but that might not have been the case.

Quattrocento You've gone above and beyond the call of friendship and yes, you deserve thanks, special thanks. Even if you don't expect it, and probably never will be given enough thanks in return.

It is possible that some other random people may have texted or pm'd him, even just a simple, no effort required text can made people feel less alone. Its not comparable to what you did, but you didn't do it for accolades did you? Even though a special mention would be nice!

I do sympathise with you. I lost a friend to suicide, I'd done everything in my power and beyond to help, I don't believe it was wasted effort even now, but I do remember the pure rage I felt at his funeral when others started talking about how much they loved him and cared about him, the others that were invisible when my friend needed them. I totally understand that rage!

Saying that, I suspect that a million of us could have been there 24/7, he'd have still felt utterly alone.

The comment could have been genuine, it could have been sarcasm, it could be that he didn't want anyone (including himself) to see how few people stepped up and he certainly doesn't need reminding of it (even if its a fact). I'm afraid you need to roll with these emotional punches, accept it as a given that what you're doing is a thankless task BUT a good one, it COULD make all the difference to him, it might not. In your heart you know you are doing everything you can, and that is all you can do.

You're in a very difficult situation and I truly hope for you that your actions in some way pay off. You sound like a brilliant friend and a pretty amazing person. Do not change. x

Quattro - when you raised this with your friend, did you tell him that you felt alone with the burden? IMO that is a very valid thing to say.

Not sure if I've missed it on this thread, but has he thanked you personally in anyway? Bunch of flowers etc?

No, I didn't tell him that I felt alone with this - thought that make him feel guilty, and worse.

No he has not thanked me personally in any way.

He wont thank you - people in this situation rarely recognise the impact they have on those around you, he will think what you did is perfectly acceptable. Please re read my previous post and work out how much you are prepared to put up with.
He is sick, there is a valid reason why his family were not there for him, its the same reason I have walked away from my friend. Exhaustion, mental and physical.
There has to be a limit or he will take over your life and the precious moments with your family will be either put aside for his needs or you will be too knackered to notice them.
Im not saying you have to walk away - but please from someone who has been there, dont always put his needs first - he wont ever thank you just expect and rely on you.