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Original poster

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168 replies

Quattrocento · 18/03/2012 20:41

I have a friend who has mental health issues. Hitherto, this friend has been dearly beloved, and cared for and treated as one of the family.

Recently this friend made a fairly serious suicide attempt. He spent 10 days in hospital, stomach pumps, drips, psychiatric evaluations and what have you.

During all this time, I was his only visitor. I took him food (daily), clean clothes, washed him and kept him company. I did not have time for this. There was one day when I had to catch a flight to Zurich, getting up at 4am, landing back in the UK at 7pm, and then driving 90 minutes to get to the hospital to check he was okay, take him fresh clothes and food and stay for a couple of hours to keep him company. I neglected my own family throughout this entire period.

I was horrified by the behaviour of his mother and sister, who never once visited. I was horrified by the behaviour of his million and one semi-friends, who also never visited. I can tell you that this took a huge emotional and physical toll on me. I was terrified for the first 24 hours when it wasn't clear whether he would survive. The next 9 days were no picnic either.

So, said friend posts on FB "Thanks to all of you who were there during the dark times". And I think, well, I didn't want any recognition for this. But frankly, there was no-one else there during those dark times, other than me. And I feel unreasonably angry about this post. I spent those days oscillating between being exhausted and being terrified. I didn't do it for recognition. I did it because I love him. But this form of non-recognition (thanking his other 700 FB friends for 'being there' when they patently weren't and I would so have loved someone, anyone else being there to help) is offensive. I am just angry about this.

OP posts:
iloveberries · 20/03/2012 14:24

It doesn't sound harsh.

You tried.

You tried REALLY REALLY hard.

He's the one who's pushed you away.

(I say all this as someone with minor MH issues who would LOVE a friend like you)

Good luck to you all

Sanuk · 20/03/2012 16:02

Quattro - tough love here Smile BUT

You could look at this at having driven you to a moment of insanity

You will know damn well that not only could you taking him out of the hospital led to you ending up in prison, but that any sentence you got would highly likely have led to you being struck off as a solicitor (if that's what you are, similar if barrister)

So one way of looking at this, is that your invovlement with him, this dynamic that you have going on, that you both contribute to in your own ways, has been very unhealthy for your mental health. You did something on impulse that was a massive risk. You put your liberty, your career and your relationships with your own family in jeopardy. And now he has disowned you.

That is the way to look at it if you feel guilty when he comes knocking back.

duckdodgers · 20/03/2012 16:06

I have no idea why it's always us.

Simply because you are giving him something (whatever that may be) he needs.

cestlavielife · 20/03/2012 16:13

you dont need a speech quattro. speeches dont work. it will backfire. you owe no explanation. just set the new rules without drama.

just set yourself clear boundaries - eg he calls/ texts says he wants to see you - you have decided already with your own family what format this might take eg -

"we fine to meet you for sunday lunch in the pub between 1 and 4 pm"

" I am free to go for a walk on wednesday between five and seven but i have to be back at seven" .

Sanuk · 20/03/2012 16:17

Actually, I think right now, Quattro should be saying something like:

"Thanks for getting back in touch, but you know I was quite hurt when you told me you didn't want to be in touch. I worked hard at providing you with as much support as I could, to the detriment of my own health to be honest. I think that it would be good for both of us if we had a break, as this relationship has become unhealthy'.

cestlavielife · 20/03/2012 16:17

i've finally realised with exP that however ranty or wounded he feels the first time it is said so clearly - it does actually work. the next time he accepts that the Dc will meet him in the cafe at x time for an hour etc. it is just working out your boundaries and not getting so sucked in again. (after all he does have another 699 friends...)

now you know how far it can take you ....

cestlavielife · 20/03/2012 16:21

sanuk is right - but be careful not to be drawn into a discussion or it being good for him/ both etc... just "I need a break from you right now. I will let you know when I want to se you". full stop.

Original poster
Quattrocento · 20/03/2012 16:29

I have to say that I think Sanuk's solution is best

For I've tried the reining back thing and it's been no use. He pushes past boundaries all the time.

Also I cannot stand many more evenings going around in circles. For a highly intelligent man it is perfectly ridiculous the way in which he refuses to apply his mind to the present issues.

One observation that a very wise friend of mine put to me was "Look Quattro, you always have to ask yourself what does this person bring to your life." Both DH and my friends have been muttering, increasingly loudly, that it's all been very destructive.

OP posts:
iloveberries · 20/03/2012 19:09

sanuk is right.... I'm so pleased this thread helped you Quattro.

I know this isn't the point of this thread but Quattro - your friend's observation is going to make me think about some of my more draining relationships.... "Look Berries, you always have to ask yourself what does this person bring to your life." ..... food for thought..... Thanks!

Hoebag · 20/03/2012 22:16

Yes Sanuk is right,

you sound so burdened I hope you feel better soon OP,

treadwarily · 20/03/2012 22:30

yy sanuk is right - honest, polite and very fair. And dignified.

And to be honest, no matter what his diagnosis, his behaviour is off, really off. Having a mental illness doesn't excuse rudeness, it can help to explain it, but there are many bi-polar, depressed etc people who don't resort to vengeful behaviour like deleting off FB, sending hurtful messages etc.

Original poster
Quattrocento · 21/03/2012 15:42

Well my period of calm did not last long

He is back

Wanting to have a coffee or a bottle of wine (or two) he says

I have cut and pasted Sanuk's response into an email

I do agree that having a mental health issue is not a get-out-jail-free card. He is a twat

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 21/03/2012 15:48

well done.

set your boundaries.

if you do give in to seeing him, set a strict time limit eg coffee in a starbucks which closes at 8 pm so you have to leave then etc. have your family call you at set time needing you.

Sanuk · 21/03/2012 15:57

He is back SO soon? I am wincing on his behalf

Did he apologise for the other day at all?

Glad my wording was helpful Smile Just hope it works. You do need to stay strong and if he does respond, just say that you understand that he wants contact, but that you don't right now, and you hope he can understand that you need to look after your own needs.

iloveberries · 21/03/2012 19:07

oh crikey. Well done for sending the response quattro - he can't mess you round like this.

stick to your guns

Hoebag · 21/03/2012 19:32

Oh good let us know how he responds

Hoebag · 21/03/2012 19:33

good your sticking to your guns.

treadwarily · 21/03/2012 20:29

Way to go quattro.

And really, a bottle of wine or two? When he's fresh out of hospital? The guy needs to turn his attention to keeping well rather than pingponging between hospital and the bar.

Original poster
Quattrocento · 21/03/2012 20:39

I actually think that alcohol is contributing to this issue. A couple of weeks ago, I was in his flat, and sorting something out in the kitchen, and put a couple of things in the bin. There was an empty bottle of vodka and an empty bottle of wine in there. And I knew he'd been alone the previous night, and this was a fresh binliner so ... Perhaps he'd just finished off the dregs of the bottle of vodka and the dregs of a bottle of wine. Or perhaps not. He drinks like a flipping fish, actually. A couple of bottles of wine a night is normal.

OP posts:
treadwarily · 21/03/2012 21:53

I'm sure his alcohol intake is not helping his mental health.

Quattro you have been a wonderful friend to this guy, but it doesn't sound like he's much of a friend to you so time to draw a line in the sand.

What does your family think of it all?

Sanuk · 22/03/2012 00:53

His alcohol intake will definitely by affecting his mental health. I presume he's on meds? He's unlikely to be able to drink heavily on them. Alcohol is a depressant, so it will lessen any positive effect his ADs are having. He's really not making much progress with taking care of himself well, is he Sad

empirestateofmind · 22/03/2012 02:17

Well done for sending the e-mail. Be firm for your sake and your DH's sake.

PurplePidjin · 22/03/2012 07:52

He's not "depressed" or "bipolar" or "borderline personality disorder" or any other serious medical condition.

He's a narcissistic alcoholic with a major dose of the drama queens. Your other friend was right - stop pandering to his every whim.

Original poster
Quattrocento · 22/03/2012 09:39

Gosh, the more removed I am from the situation, the more I am starting to question my own judgement in being involved with this character.

Do you really think there isn't any mental health issue?

OP posts:
coffeeinbed · 22/03/2012 11:44

I don't think anyone here can tell you whether he has MH issues or not.
Simply not possible.