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[Quattrocento]

I have a friend who has mental health issues. Hitherto, this friend has been dearly beloved, and cared for and treated as one of the family.

Recently this friend made a fairly serious suicide attempt. He spent 10 days in hospital, stomach pumps, drips, psychiatric evaluations and what have you.

During all this time, I was his only visitor. I took him food (daily), clean clothes, washed him and kept him company. I did not have time for this. There was one day when I had to catch a flight to Zurich, getting up at 4am, landing back in the UK at 7pm, and then driving 90 minutes to get to the hospital to check he was okay, take him fresh clothes and food and stay for a couple of hours to keep him company. I neglected my own family throughout this entire period.

I was horrified by the behaviour of his mother and sister, who never once visited. I was horrified by the behaviour of his million and one semi-friends, who also never visited. I can tell you that this took a huge emotional and physical toll on me. I was terrified for the first 24 hours when it wasn't clear whether he would survive. The next 9 days were no picnic either.

So, said friend posts on FB "Thanks to all of you who were there during the dark times". And I think, well, I didn't want any recognition for this. But frankly, there was no-one else there during those dark times, other than me. And I feel unreasonably angry about this post. I spent those days oscillating between being exhausted and being terrified. I didn't do it for recognition. I did it because I love him. But this form of non-recognition (thanking his other 700 FB friends for 'being there' when they patently weren't and I would so have loved someone, anyone else being there to help) is offensive. I am just angry about this.

At some point, a mh patient has to either accept their illness and follow medical advice, just as a patient with a physical ailment.

If they can't/won't/don't, they probably won't get better.

I'm a bit about the 700 FB friends. No one can have 700 true friends. And it turns out he only had one.

Actually, I think I've just had some good news. I feel a bit mixed about it, but I do think it is good news.

He has this morning (following my asking him that question about why he'd posted that on FB) deleted me from FB. He has also just texted me and told me he didn't want to be friends any more.

He's done this before, and then returned a week or so later explaining that I brought a huge amount into his life and he was sorry and it was just his illness etc

But I'm tired of the emotional volatility and whilst my amour propre is feeling a bit wounded, my overwhelming feeling is a massive sense of relief.

I'm rehearsing a speech for a few days' time. I'm going to say that I understand, but this volatility is hurtful and it's better for me to focus and direct my energies on my own family. There is light at the end of the tunnel - for me, at least! I hope for him too, one day.

Wow, he really puts you through the mill doesn't he.

You're right though, it's a gift. It may not seem like it for a while, but he is forcing you out of his life which is exactly what you need.

And you know - we all know - what a fabulous friend you are, so please don't have any wobbles about that.

You have been amazing and you deserve to feel good about being such a caring person.

You'll have to let us know how it goes...

i suspect he was embarrassed and hurt that his friends didn't turn out to be true friends at all (and was letting them know this)...and he may also have been hoping for a few resultant messages of "i hope ure ok" from ppl that perhaps didn't know he was ill..just in the hope that some of them did care.
at the end of the day he knows who was there and who wasn't..please let your anger go

Blimey - you're never going to win with this guy. He is very, very ill and you can't have that responsibility over you, particularly as you have your own family to think about.

You sound such a wonderful and caring person though. Lets hope he gets better and you can have a more equal friendship in the future.

OP I am a v low maintenance friend if you need someone to fuss over

OP, he was thanking those that were there for him.

Not those that were not (his other 700 facebook friends)

Me too treadwarily!

:) I do feel as though an enormous and crushing burden has been lifted

Thank you all for your support. You all gave me such insight and perspective

Quattro... someone up there mentioned that you're a solicitor/ lawyer, I think. So am I, which is why I am telling you this. I also used to be a Mental Health Nurse.

Go check out Section 128 in Part IX of the Mental Health Act 1983.

That's how far you went for your friend. You are absolutely right to now walk away.

Whether your friend is genuinely ill or not at the moment (and, as someone up there posted, people with mh problems can be extremely egocentric and seemingly immune to the feelings they invoke in those around them, particularly in the immediate aftermath of a crisis) you have done more than enough for him. You have been a good, caring, loving, supportive friend.

Now go be those things to yourself.

xx

Thank you Lula. It was absolutely insane, I know. That's something that I knew already, but it's worth posting here. Unlikely though anyone else would be, to be so stupid.

(1)Where any person induces or knowingly assists another person who is liable to be detained in a hospital within the meaning of Part II of this Act or is subject to guardianship under this Act [F2or is a community patient] to absent himself without leave he shall be guilty of an offence.
(2)Where any person induces or knowingly assists another person who is in legal custody by virtue of section 137 below to escape from such custody he shall be guilty of an offence.
(3)Where any person knowingly harbours a patient who is absent without leave or is otherwise at large and liable to be retaken under this Act or gives him any assistance with intent to prevent, hinder or interfere with his being taken into custody or returned to the hospital or other place where he ought to be he shall be guilty of an offence.
(4)Any person guilty of an offence under this section shall be liable?
(a)on summary conviction, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding six months or to a fine not exceeding the statutory maximum, or to both;
(b)on conviction on indictment, to imprisonment for a term not exceeding two years or to a fine of any amount, or to both.

Wow, he's deleted you?

Sound like he felt humiliated after your comment - because he'll know that out of those 700 people only 1 was there - and he's pushing you away.

DO take this as your pass out, and do stand firm.

If this was the first time or even second time that he'd rejected you like that, I'd say it is the mental illness talking and to maybe cut him some slack, BUT NOT IN THIS CASE. Not after all you've done and how exhausted you are with it all.

don't understand how he can be back at work when he still seems, well, so unwell. But maybe he is well enough to take some responsibility for himself, and maybe you not reopening that door will be a wake up call to him as to how destructive his behaviour patterns are both to others and mostly himself. As the end result of him rejecting you is that he doesn't now have the support -both practical and emotional - he has relied on in the past. It is a form of self-harm ultimately.

You sound such a good friend caught up in an impossible sitaution. You need to take a step back now and Im glad if this is what happens by him "de-friending" you. Yes he is ill, and I am all for inclusion and non stigmatisation with mental health, especially since Im a Psychiatric Nurse. There is support though - and what has been happening to you, getting caught further and further up - ok initially because you want to help but you are responding to something in you that is taking all the responsibilty for keeping this man alive - and this is his responisibilty at the end of the day.

My fear is that he will kill himself. That's my fear And he knows it and Im sorry has been using it. Ill or not ill people with mental health problems can be just as manipulating as those without can be at times, there is only so long you can go along "excusing" allsorts just because hes "ill."

If he does (sadly) eventually kill himself you will have absoltuely nothign to reproach yourself or feel guilty about - it will be his choice. But I suspect he wont. What kind of professional help is he getting? And what is his actual diagnosis?

OP, I know yor friend is extremely unwell at the moment, but he is also being extremely manipulative. You have broken the law, neglected yor family, and severely impacted on your own health. He is playing games with you now, by pretending he wants nothing to do with you.

He no doubt needs ongoing support at the moment, but that needs to come from the right sources, e.g is he accessing any mental health advocacy? I truly believe that while he has you at his beck and call, then he is not going to take responsibility for his health.

Sorry, that sounds harsh, but I hope you can find the strength to loosen your ties with him for the time being, for both his sake and yours. Take care.

It's good that he's texted and unfriended you actually. He need to concentrate on himself at the moment and isn't really in the frame of mind to maintain afriendship. You have been wonderful to him and, if / when he gets well again, he'll recognise it and make amends if he isn't too embarrassed.

I know, it surprises me that he does manage to go to work. But he does do it. I get the odd suicidal email/text during the working day, but frequently also get jolly/normal email/texts.

He is very vague about his diagnosis and prefers not to talk about it. He calls himself variously either bipolar or depressed.

Part of the issue is that I listened too much, I'm sure. We do have a couple of mutual friends, one of whom said cheerily "If everyone ignored X's madness, it would probably go away. It's all attention-seeking really." I thought well, you haven't heard any of it. It doesn't sound normal to me. But then again, why was I listening to it? I don't know.

quatro does your friend have Borderline personality disorder? Frequently this can seen as "attntion seeking" behaviour by others.

Also if he has only recently been discharged from hospital what kind of follow up care is he getting?

The discharge was a couple of months ago

The follow-up care is lamentable, or in fact non-existent (he claims, but he is extraordinarily evasive about all this).

He has gone to the GP twice since. The first time, his GP put him on a waiting list for some counselling and gave him a plan. The second time, his GP gave him a prescription for anti-depressants (don't know which, sorry) but he hasn't got it filled. They've also followed up on the counselling

I've no idea what he's got. Just that he's got something. I'm not sure whether or not knowing a label would be helpful for me.

Borderline personality disorder is not a label any more than "bipolar" for example is - its a diagnosis. There is a lack of understanding generally even in mental health and the wider public about it, but only by getting a proper diagnosis can the right help be targetted.

People with BPD can often be written off and called attention seekers - yet modern therapy has ways of helping people with it understand and manage their emotions in a better way that they do. And Im not diagnosing him at all - (that would be ridicolous before anyone accuses me of that), just curious.

honnestly Quattro, work was the one thing that kept me going, id go, do 12 hour days fully functional, then come home again and fall apart.

You have been a good friend, and sometimes you cannot cure them, or help them, or give any more of yourself. You have your own family too.

You have still done a good thing.

Hello,

At the OP's request, we have moved this thread to Mental Health.

Thanks. MNHQ

you are a good friend but you have to set boundaries.
and put yourself and your family first.

he will be back for sure...

depression fallout is very helpful book . (refers to lots of reseach is not wishy washy)

How You Can Survive When They're Depressed : Living and Coping with Depression Fallout [Paperback]
Anne Sheffield

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Survive-When-Theyre-Depressed/dp/0609804154/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b

sally brampton is good too - and if you read her "agony aunt" columns she is first to say dont give in to manipulation etc.
www.amazon.co.uk/Shoot-Damn-Dog-Memoir-Depression/dp/0747572453/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1332252566&sr=1-1

Thank you C'est La Vie

From past experience, I do know he will be back. So I'm going to order those books you mention and rehearse a speech.

The trouble is that it is so all-or-nothing with him. It has to be daily texts and calls and seeing us for 3 days over the weekend plus a day midweek etc etc He really does have a massively full address book. I have no idea why it's always us. DH doesn't really want to give him houseroom any more. The DCs love him.

I don't have the time and I don't have the energy. So actually, I think I'd rather have absolutely no contact than all that bother. Which sounds a bit harsh.