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[Quattrocento]

I have a friend who has mental health issues. Hitherto, this friend has been dearly beloved, and cared for and treated as one of the family.

Recently this friend made a fairly serious suicide attempt. He spent 10 days in hospital, stomach pumps, drips, psychiatric evaluations and what have you.

During all this time, I was his only visitor. I took him food (daily), clean clothes, washed him and kept him company. I did not have time for this. There was one day when I had to catch a flight to Zurich, getting up at 4am, landing back in the UK at 7pm, and then driving 90 minutes to get to the hospital to check he was okay, take him fresh clothes and food and stay for a couple of hours to keep him company. I neglected my own family throughout this entire period.

I was horrified by the behaviour of his mother and sister, who never once visited. I was horrified by the behaviour of his million and one semi-friends, who also never visited. I can tell you that this took a huge emotional and physical toll on me. I was terrified for the first 24 hours when it wasn't clear whether he would survive. The next 9 days were no picnic either.

So, said friend posts on FB "Thanks to all of you who were there during the dark times". And I think, well, I didn't want any recognition for this. But frankly, there was no-one else there during those dark times, other than me. And I feel unreasonably angry about this post. I spent those days oscillating between being exhausted and being terrified. I didn't do it for recognition. I did it because I love him. But this form of non-recognition (thanking his other 700 FB friends for 'being there' when they patently weren't and I would so have loved someone, anyone else being there to help) is offensive. I am just angry about this.

fallenpetal is wise. You sound mentally exhausted from this and you need a break for your own mental health.

I hope your friend will come out of the other side his MH problems and reach a place of stability and recognise all that you have done for him. In the thick of my mental illness, I was unable to see what my loved ones were doing for me and what they had sacrificied. As time has gone on and as I became mentally well, I was able to see. My thanks, love, appreciation and return in kindess took a few years to come. I just was too ill to see the wood for the trees. Mental illness is draining and painful for all involved and the worst thing is the sufferer often feels like they're feeling this pain alone.

you did a wonderful thing. take his tks on facebook as being aimed at you.

but, next time, dont neglect your own family or neglect to take care of you.

maybe his family set the boundaries differently.
maybe they been there before.

if someone with MH episode is in hospital they are being cared for watched over and looked after . chances of suicide etc are slim in hospital...

out of hospital they may need you more...

some excellent posts here today. sounds like you are feeling burnt out by it all, time to look after yourself Quattro. It may take months or even years for your friend to get perspective back and recognise all you did for him. At the moment tho his focus is likely to be his recovery, so inevitably self-centred. As someone who has been unwell themselves, I completely agree with crashdolls analysis, that it takes its toll on everyone.

Thank you all for your lovely posts. They've added so much insight.

I am so so tired of all this. He stayed with us last weekend. He said that he thought about different ways of killing himself every night, and that his latest thought was to hang himself with a sheet from the balcony of his flat. Then he went to bed and texted me that I wasn't to worry because he would never do anything to himself in the children's (my children's) house. You know, I don't find that particularly reassuring.

The worst thing is Sundays. I dread Sundays now. Every suicide attempt happens on a bloody Sunday. When he's with us, I don't worry. When he stays with other friends, I don't worry. But when he's alone in his flat on a Sunday, I go from worried to frantic through the course of the day.

So, the thing you've all told me is that I'm tired of all this. You're right. I'm flipping exhausted.

But I don't quite know how to detach from it all. How do I stop hovering over him like an anxious hen?

I think you need to realise that you can only do as much as you can do (and often that is too much, at the expense of your family)
But ultimately you are not responsible for his happiness or unhappiness, and you cannot watch over him for 24 hours a day
Easier than it sounds I expect

FWiW, your OP sounded to me like he posted that on Facebook, because he didn't want people to think (ergo himself) that no one cared about him. It's kind of a nudge to the rest of his friends to pile in and say, 'oh how are you? We didn't realise you were ill or we would have rushed to your side' kind of thing,

It's not nice to feel unwanted or unpopular, and he sounds like he needs a lot of reassurance
I don't think the post reflects on you at all, I dont think he would have even considered you within the context of that group,because he sees you in real life and it sounds like the fb friends are virtual and fair weather
Hope he gets better and hope you can lessen the pressure on yourself

Quattro

I had a friend who committed suicide.

I was young at the time, 23, and I must admit that I felt so angry at her funeral listening to the very many speeches about her that she could do that to all the people who loved her so very much.

She had a really close group of girlfriends. She had a boyfriend. She had a close-by and smothering close family. She had a job she loved. She wasn't lacking for constant support and interest. She damn well had much more than I did at that time, and I couldn't understand why it hadn't been enough. Why she repeatedly kept trying to kill herself. But she was ill.

I don't know how to advise you, just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Oh, and I should add that my friend was actually a resident in a mental health hospital at the time she committed suicide. She'd been allowed out unsupervised to go for a walk, and she hung herself in the nearby park. Some poor young couple found her

You have to accept there's limits to what you can do.
You can only help as far as the person you're helping lets you. You cannot move the boundaries they are setting.

It's an upsetting thread.
Someone very close to me, in my family - someone I am responsible for started talking about this and I was in pieces so I talked to my GP whom I trust.
She told me I have to trust the professionals and I that I was already doing all I could.
It didn't stop me worrying - and it won't in the future but what I realised it that I can't do it.
Can you talk to someone about this, MH professional? It seems to be affecting you quite profoundly.

Perhaps his way of thanking you without letting on to others that he only really has you. He wants people to think he's popular because to him admitting he has few that care would make him feel like even more of a failure perhaps.

Thank you for your support - it means a lot. Sanuk :(

The worst of times was in the hospital. He'd been detained under the Mental Health Act, and therefore wasn't allowed out of the ward. They'd made it clear to him that if he absconded, the police would come and find him.

And when I got to the hospital that particular day, he was in a pitiable state. Unwashed, unshaven, dirty and smelly. He hadn't been sleeping on the ward. I asked if he'd had a shower. He said not, because he couldn't use the shower because he was frightened of the other patients. He wished he could use his own shower. And I understood that if you look and feel wretched and unwashed, it must be harder to get better.

So I did something very wrong, that scares me even now to recollect. We walked into the gardens, and then I nipped him back in my car to his flat. He went into his shower while I waited for him in his living room. Then I started panicking in case he was committing suicide in his bathroom. I'd done something hugely irresponsible. I can remember literally shaking and wondering how I was ever going to explain this to his mother. Full head to toe tremors.

I'm not equipped for this. My day job is about things that don't matter. I can deal with that with equilibrium.

My friend recently made a very similar comment on FB, thanking friends for their help and I know for a fact (she told me!) it was aimed at one of her friends who didn't help.

Or maybe people had written to him on FB to wish him well and you wouldn't have seen them?

Coffeinbed - thank you - you're right - it's affecting me too much!

Right, so I need strategies for detaching.

Answers on a postcard

Yep sarcasm in all its acerbic glory. You are amazing. I'm sure he knows this.

Don't think there is a strategy.
What happens is you reach the end of what you can do and you just go numb.
And that's that.
Sorry.

I'm really not trying to be mean (I have extensive experience in this area) but you do seem very over-involved in his life. If you're in it to the extent that you are neglecting yourself and your own family, you really should be stepping right back.

Quattro you are way too involved in his life.

You are not responsible for his health.

Being a friend can be a tricky business at times but I firmly believe that helping others should not take priority over the wellbeing of ourselves or our families, esp children.

Could you tell him - either face to face or in a letter - how much you care for him but that you are finding his illness overwhelming at times and you need to step back, that is, not have him to stay.

Are you frightened he will kill himself if you don't keep being there for him at every moment?

I'm just wondering because once you can identify your fear, you can start to work forwards.

Quattro aren't you a lawyer? You know it was very silly to do that. You do sound far far too involved with his problems.

I think you have to talk to his mh professionals eg in hospital you would have spoken to his nurse and said what he said about not showering. So they could address that with him.

If he isn't opening up to mh professionals they cannot help him. Unless you are a therapist or psychiatrist .....my exp did a lot of " don't tell anyone " when he was in throes... But it was wrong. You need t be telling all this to HIS mental health team. They cannot help him if you don't let on his still ongoing suicidal ideation.

He is burdening you.
It is not fair on you.

Call mind or rethink talk it through .

Not sure wha the relationship is but is he happy to name you next of kin or ? So you can speak to his psychiatrist or gp? You cannot be expected t be so nvolved unless you know the full facts and to do that he needs t give permission for you to speak with his mh team

Detach by telling his gp and his mh team what is going on.
Pass on his texts and emails talking about killing himself. Tell them your fears about Sundays.
That way you are dong something for him so you can absolve yourself of responsibility for his mh.
You are not repeat not responsible for his mental health.

Detaching is very hardQuattro I think you need to try and be less emotionally involved and for goodness sake never ever take him away when he has been sectioned!
Ask yourself would I rather - do something nice with my family or hold his hand whilst he makes you feel awful yet again?
Then compromise, tell him you need to do what ever with your family and you will pop and see him after. Then he wont feel abandoned but you will start prioritizing (sp?) Its all about perspective, yours is currently warped into thinking he only has you, he will kill himself with out you.
What should come before that is Im a parent - without me my kids miss me so much it hurts.Followed by I have a sick friend, I will make time for them after playing with my children.

Its not easy but once you put it in that way and see that your kids are only young for a short time you will start to try and balance it more in their favour and that of your partners.

You are all right. You are all so very right.

My fear is that he will kill himself. That's my fear. I do not want to add anything that creates any psychological pressure. I fear that not being there will add to his psychological pressures - be the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak.

Then I go a step further and try to remove all his psychological pressures. Because I am a bit of a fixer and problem solver, and that's my nature. Unfortunately I am also a bit of a responsibility taker. That combination of qualities being what has got me into this pickle.

Approaching this logically, the rational thought process is as follows:

1. He was trying to kill himself when I was there.
2. He was trying to kill himself before I knew him, i.e. when I was not there.
3. My being there or not being there makes no flipping difference

I used to be a fixer upper of people, I don't aty

Silly iPhone

I don't attempt it anymore. I don't know how or why I managed to change this about myself, but I eventually realised that I couldn't change other people, only my reactions to them.

You remind me of how I used to be, I over involved myself in a uni friends struggle with bulimia. I still think I actually did the right thing, but I became a convenient scape goat for her and the friendship didn't survive.

You being there makes a difference to his quality of life, but it won't resolve his mental illness.

Sick people suffer, and so do the people around them. And at this point, you have to put yourself first because you are exhausted.

And, to be honest, he may or may not commit suicide and either way, it won't be because of you. I don't mean to be cold, but that is the way it goes with mental illness.

Do you think you could tell him face to face that you can't have him to stay anymore?

Also, when he is well is he able to stick to a plan ie. eating well, getting sleep, taking meds etc? It is easier to help a person who helps themself, but it won't always save their life.

He does try a bit. Not very much but a bit. He doesn't eat properly and refuses to go to the gym he joined. He's signed up to do a run, which is hugely positive, and he's signed up through work, so it sounds as though he will actually have to do it.

Last week he got a prescription for meds, but he's had meds many times before and they didn't help. So far, he hasn't had the prescription made up.