Hello lovely ladies, can I join you? I've posted all over MN this last week but I think that it's really hard for people to understand if they haven't been there themselves IYSWIM? Had some lovely replies but not many so I've come to speak to some kindred spirits 
Ok, so bit of background...been on citalopram for 2+ years, started on 20mg, now on 40mg but some days lately I feel like even that's not enough. Unfortunately though 40mg is now the maximum dose. My mood has been spiralling down since about xmas, nothing definitive; I think loneliness is the worst part. I am a single mum of 3, have been single apart from the odd date, for 5 years and am suddenly finding life so hard to do alone. Because we have been through some bad trauma (abuse) and come out the other side people perceive me as strong, and therein lies the problem...I am seen as not needing help and able to cope and outwardly I do cope, I paste a smile on my face every day, I put make up on, wash my hair, laugh and joke but inside....I don't know, it feels like something has died. I have no support in RL, I text my mum the other day to tell her how I was feeling ad she text back asking was I watching dancing on ice! And this is why I don't open up to people...because when it gets dismissed like that I feel even worse about myself, invisible.
I just feel crap.
I have 3 lovely kids, which of course then gives rise to 'well what do you have to feel down about? You should count your blessings'. Well, I know how lucky I am to have such beautiful kids and they are my lifeline but no matter how hard I try I cannot shake this black cloud that's over me. I was on citalopram for anxiety (post abuse trial) but I do feel that this has now crossed the line into depression. I went to GP on friday and told him how I was feeling...he asked how often I cry. I said I want to cry all the time but am unable to, that the need to cry is there but I am physically unable to. I tried to explain that the feeling builds inside me, rises up until it gets to my face and then it's like something is blocking my actual physical ability to cry. But because I don't shed actual tears he dismissed it, gave me sleeping tablets, said 'I see you've abandoned your slimming campaign' and then ushered me out of the door.
I'm not looking for or expecting answers, but maybe just people who will listen and empathise with how crap it feels to be like this.
Thanks
x