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Original poster

I have reached the point and I am calm

289 replies

failingtoomuch · 21/12/2011 17:16

I need to end my life. I want to end my life. I am at peace with doing it and feel very calm now I have made the decision. I just don't know the best way to do it. I wouldn't lie in front of a train or similar as I don't want anyone else to be affected. I would like to disappear and just do it in the middle of nowhere. There is no one who will miss me so there are no issues there. I just want it over with.

OP posts:
KatieScarlettsCrackers · 21/12/2011 19:19

My DD was kicked out, it's shit isn't it?

2 years ago I could have and probably did write your OP

That feeling of total and utter failure, guilt and fear.

The relentlessness of it all.

The powerlessness

It did improve, once I got SS, GP, School, Ed Psych, Safe Space and all the rest of the family on the case.

Now I look at DD and am so proud I could burst.

neverever · 21/12/2011 19:19

Can u speak to school and try and form a plan of what to do with your dc if he is misbehaving? You sound like a very caring person who wants the best for your children but suicide is not the best.

Original poster
failingtoomuch · 21/12/2011 19:20

I tried google to find someone to talk to but couldn't find anything local.

OP posts:
LilTooMuchTurkey · 21/12/2011 19:20

If people didn't care about you they wouldn't be able to put 2 and 2 together. We all want you to get the help you need because we like having you around.

thunderboltsandlightning · 21/12/2011 19:20

Maybe you need to think this through. It's not the end of the world if a child gets expelled from school. There are worse things. It doesn't make you a failure as a mother, it just means there are problems that need to be sorted out.

It would be the end of the world for your dcs if you weren't there for them any more. They need you, even if things are difficult at the moment.

LilTooMuchTurkey · 21/12/2011 19:23

About you or your dc?

You - call samaritans, mind, your out of hours go or if all else fails walk into a hospital and tell them you are a danger to yourself.

Your dc - ss and the school are your first step. There is no failure in admitting you need help.

mummylouise · 21/12/2011 19:23

goggle community mental health it should provide a number for u.

neverever · 21/12/2011 19:24

That's good that you want to talk 08457 90 90 90 Samaritans phone number.

ScroogeHadAGoodPoint · 21/12/2011 19:24

Maybe your DC would be better off not at that school anyway - maybe being excluded could mean a new start in a different school or PRU or alternative provision? But I don't know your backstory. I'm fairly regular on here and I haven't worked out who you are, and am willing to respect your anonymity on this thread by not trying.

Keep talking, please.

Seasonsgreetings · 21/12/2011 19:26

I was told by my counsellor that depression is being too strong for too long. I agree with this. Please talk ftm. Talk! Let it all out better to out yourself than go through with this. Talk to mnetters or to the Samaritans ... ... Anyone. As another poster said you are too special and too important. Please don't make any rash decisions.

BleachBoys · 21/12/2011 19:27

What's worse - your DS2 being kicked out of school or you topping yourself?
Start taking your AD's again, NOW, and call the number for the Samaritans that people have given you if you feel unable to cope right now.

Shakey1500 · 21/12/2011 19:29

I have also been where you are OP. The acceptance, the calmness, the not wanting to talk to anyone about it or discuss it because the descision had been made.

So, why am I still here? Someone at the hospital saw past this dreadful illness. And it IS an illness. You are desperately unwell. The person asked me at the hospital to hang on just one more day. To go somewhere safe, a hospital ward. Away from my partner, away from my family, just to be....me.

And I stayed away. For two weeks. I stayed away from everything that was making the illness worse. And slept...BOY..did I sleep. It was my brains way of resting from the illness for a while. Letting it heal juuussst enough to see that I needed help, gave me the courage/strength to accept a little help, from many quarters. It doesn't happen overnight, it is a process. But you CAN feel better. And you WANT to feel better, somehow.

We are here. We are ALL here for you, holding your hand. Helping you get past this truly awful bit. Nobody will judge. Parenting is often hard. LIFE is often very hard. But it is precious, as are you to your family and them to you.

Stay with us, for a little bit. Let us help you. x

FizzyChristmasFairyDust · 21/12/2011 19:30

You have us. We care. We're here trying to help you and we're all saying the same, go to A&E, phone 999 and ask for help from them.
and stay here talking until help arrives.

BleachBoys · 21/12/2011 19:30

In fact, go to A&E, explain how you feel. Maybe that way you will end up getting the care and therapy that you need, and that people on here have been suggesting for ever such a long time.
So, OP. Samaritans or A&E? Which are you going to do?
You are the only mother your kids will have.

Original poster
failingtoomuch · 21/12/2011 19:30

I can't open up as I really wanted to just be accepted as ftm and now everyone knows who I am I can't go there again. I won't hurt myself. I need some sleep.

OP posts:
PippiLongBottom · 21/12/2011 19:33

I don't know your other user name. Even if people do, it doesn't matter.Tonight we are talking to FTM.

KatieScarlettsCrackers · 21/12/2011 19:33

Sleep is good.

When I'm swirly (my term for brain melting anxiety) I put on my ipod and listen to a book I've read many many times before. It literally bores me to sleep and stops the unhelpful thoughts

You are ftm to me, btw.

liveinazoo · 21/12/2011 19:34

come back to us tomorrow.i for one,want to know you still with us.theres always someone,even in the night here if you need us.x

Upwardandonward · 21/12/2011 19:34

If you look here you can see if there's anywhere close you can go to talk face to face - the Samaritans don't get outside help unless you ask for it.

Original poster
failingtoomuch · 21/12/2011 19:34

I am scared to open up but I really want to as I can't live like this.

OP posts:
BleachBoys · 21/12/2011 19:34

Yes, get some sleep. Take your AD's. Then in the morning, make an emergency appt with the GP's to access what you need. Your DH/PILs can have the children, there is nothig more urgent or important than this. Not even work or last minute Xmas shopping. Get yourself sorted. Make this be the last wake up call so you HAVE to get help.

Shakey1500 · 21/12/2011 19:35

You are also ftm to me. My memory is rubbish anyway. Yes, sleep is good but, should you wake, I personally will be here till about midnight and I will check this thread regularly. x

KatieScarlettsCrackers · 21/12/2011 19:37

It's OK to be scared, it IS scary!

You've done well to fight the fear on here tonight.

It shows you are in there, fighting and that is healthy and good.

Shakey1500 · 21/12/2011 19:37

If it helps (I don't really know the MN spec on this) then unload, get the thread deleted, then name change again? Apologies if this is no help whatsoever. Or via PM's etc?

FizzyChristmasFairyDust · 21/12/2011 19:39

Open up and we will help. Like somebody else has said, you can name change after this and get the thread deleted. We will do everything we can to help you.
We care, I care, and I will do everything it takes to support you to live.