Can't sleep, marriage falling apart...

[Ineversignedupforthis]

Trying to keep it together for now. Major problems with massively entitled, passive aggressive oh, which keep coming up. Been going on and off for 20 yrs (the problems).

Have bi-polar, which is generally under control, but know I have to be careful, particularly during stress, when I can't sleep.

Am back in that cycle where I wake up at 4 in the morning, almost bang on, as if by alarm clock. Any thoughts? Any poor sod up like me?

Duh DO.

Oooh ooh page 20!

No kids involved Isis - DD is 20 and I have allowed both our children to believe that stbx has supported us financially, he is so-called self employed and has been since 1995, in fact it is money from DF that has kept us afloat (and money left by DMIL although we put most of hers, and lots of mine from DF into this house). I did work p/t 2006-9 before becoming depressed and am now on Emplyment and support Allowance. It is a long story and I have often thought of starting a thread, but it's so complicated, and so unique it would out me, hence I mainly post about my problems on the Relationship abuse thread. DD thinks problems are down to my mh, and to smoking cannabis, please don't judge over that, it helped me and I don't feel the need for it since divorce started.

Hope my revelation hasn't scared you off.

We have about 4 inches of snow here.

That's not fair we've only got 3 inches!

My neighbour has very kindly cleared most of my snow away for me, I'm usually the snow clearer on our terrace. It was lovely to lie in bed listening to someone else moving snow.

DD was at xh's last night, it's xh's other kid's 2nd birthday tomorrow. There's some sort of lunch/party affair today.
I'm concerned that DD's excitement about it may end up with tears.
Xh has already proved that he doesn't defend DD when he's around the puppeteer.
I've told him that he will look after DD and will ensure she's treated fairly.
If he doesn't I will rethink contact.

He just doesn't get that DD knows he's not trustworthy in that sort of situation, he needs to prove to her that he's got her back.

He's such an arse.

I agree Isis he is an arse. So shortsighted of him....

No worries Pink. All the best people have interesting pasts. We've got about 3", and I will have to be careful not to fall on my fat ample derrier.

Well DD had a great time at the party.
Xh doing the full 'disney dad' thing.
It's a shame he was never that hands on when he lived with us.
Apparently he helped with the food and party games etc.
I suppose there has to be a first time for everything!

I'm feeling really resentfull about it tbh. (not that you can tell!)
I'm having a chat with one of my friends later and will be able to process the resentment.
He's not worth wasting the energy on.

We'll have to see how he feels when the divorce letter arrives.
I don't have to see him during the next week, thank goodness.
At least during the week I can have a break from it all; usually.
Last week I had to see him nearly every day for one thing or another and I don't want to have to.

I've finished emulsioning the stairs and landing today, just got the woodwork to finish off and that'll be another 'room' done.

I expect the novelty will wear off for him Isis - he is showing off to OW, and to you at a distance, probably.

I think you're right Pink, but I know from long experience that he can't keep it up for long. (fnar, fnar)

I've always believed in consistency where kids are concerned.

Throwing money and gifts at them doesn't contribute to being a good parent, time spent, love shown/given and patience does.

Isis is it the petition he's getting or what? That was the first written communication stbx received - I initiated divorce, copy of petition was sent to him by the courts? Maybe it's different as DD involved?

I am walking round singing in my head 'Ten more days to go, ten more days of sorrow...' Stbx more or less said 'see you in court' today, so although the marriage will be over, we'll be stuck here together for the next couple of months.

At least

He's getting a letter stating that I am divorcing him on the grounds of adultery, it states the financial charges related to an uncontested v contested divorce and gives him a 'confession statement' to sign and return.

He's away til thurs pm tho so I don't know when he'll see it.
Potentially he got it yesterday and chose not to mention it when he rang last night.
He's very good at ignoring what he doesn't want to see.

Schtupid me, I forgot about the adultery aspect, of course that would make a difference

It's weird, isn't it, when you know they might have got a letter, but don't actually know. With us still under the same roof, we had the situation when I could see what I thought was my offer sitting unopened on the hall table for 3 days (it ^was* my offer).

Nine more days to go...

Isn't it mad that after all couples go through over the years together that the 'end' is never as clean cut as it could be.

My assumption once over was that if someone wanted out of a relationship then they'd get busy sorting it out from their end first.
So that the break was clean and swift.
Surely if you don't love someone you'd want to be free of them asap.

Clearly xh hasn't done any of that.
He's so disorganised, any one would think he was the one who'd been dumped by surprise!

Yes, I thought when I said I was going to divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, he would improve to show me I had no case. He didn't. It was easy to draw up a list, I just wrote down what he was/wasn't doing each day.

Oh dear, he didn't have a chance really, did he?

I'm feeling really emotional about all this and not a little depressed.
I seem to be getting ovewhelmed by lots of stuff that usually wouldn't bother me.
Been to the GP today, he's referring me for counselling.
I don't want anti-d's they have had a very negative effect on me in the past.
I can see my usual pattern of doing too much, taking on too much and keeping going despite myself looming and want to stop before it does all really get too much.
Of course there's the added pressure that I can't possbly be ill now I'm on my own with DD.
My mind is telling me alsorts of crap about being unfit to take care of her if I'm depressed, which I know is untrue.

I just want it all to be finished with then DD and I can get on with our lives knowing exactly where we stand.

Don't confuse stress with depression, though, Isis I couln't believe how stressed I was at various stages. Fine each time I saw the sol, but then the stress of unco-operatve stbx would creep up - it sort of kept coming and going. But I wasn't depressed any more - well maybe slightly, since I had forgotten to take my ads, and noticed a difference when I started again (20mg paroxatine). And if you do think it's depression, then don't rule out ad's completely - there are lots out there, and so it might be worth trying a different one.

I think you're right, this isn't full blown depression, just very high stress.

I have had several bad experiences with anti-ds in the past and do not want to go down that route, hence wanting to put the brakes on early.

I think what's really getting to me is the person I always used to turn to in times of stress is the person causing the problem.

February always used to be my happiest month, valentine's day, the anniversary of us getting together and my birthday all in a 10 period.
Now instead I've got xh's kid's birthday an anniversary that isn't and a birthday I don't want.
And no Mum to send me a card.

Funnily enough, February used to be my worst month - having grown up in Sarf London, it took me a very long time to adapt to how very short the days are up here in winter, and that the winter goes on for 3-4 weeks longer. So I think there was a SAD aspect to things. By Feb I had had enough but there was no sign of spring, my friends used to know I was at my worst in Feb. Stbx was never v romantic, any Valentine's meals I would have to arrange myself

I have trained myself to notice the days lengthening, the birds starting to sing, signs of growth in the garden. When's your birthday?

It's on the 23rd.

I love winter; when we have one; but I do like to see the days lengthening and hear the birds singing even when it's -3oC.

As for valentines I haven't got one of those for years (xh thought they were a waste of money)I may be in with a chance then this year, ha bloody ha!

DD has said that she will make sure I have a lovely birthday, but it is unfortunate that she'll be at school so can I manage until she gets home?!

She is such an angel, an absolute blessing in my life.

Are you a baker? Perhaps, in true MN style, the answer is Cake

I do bake occasionally and I've always believed the answer to most things is cake!
I have been thinking that I will do for myself the things that xh would usually do ie sort out the cake and a nice evening meal.
I'm going away for a few days on a course, the day after so I get to have a weekend away albeit working.

I know my lovely friends will make sure I'm not forgotten.

Wonder where Parsley is? Hope you're OK Parsley

Ooh Isis I love a good course. Somewhere nice? Can you say what it's about?

eight more days to go...

I'll message Parsley on fb and see if she's ok, it's unusual for her not to be on all week.

I do volunteer work for a life training organisation. Personal development courses etc.
It's called the More to Life Foundation.
The course is for the Mentors/trainers within our community, it's an annual gathering for them to renew connections with each other and reignite their passion for the work they teach.
I'm organising the support team for it.
I will be taking the training to be a mentor myself later this year.
I will be learning to teach a course about enhancing self esteem. The processes I learnt on the course have helped me no end in the past few years.

It's being held at a great place outside Chester, own grounds, lovely food etc.

I'm here Peeps....thanks for caring! Just busy, and nowt to say that was useful...
Ooh, Chester, I love Chester, and the shops are great. There is a Jo Malone shop there I think.