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Original poster

Can't sleep, marriage falling apart...

699 replies

Ineversignedupforthis · 18/10/2011 05:37

Trying to keep it together for now. Major problems with massively entitled, passive aggressive oh, which keep coming up. Been going on and off for 20 yrs (the problems).

Have bi-polar, which is generally under control, but know I have to be careful, particularly during stress, when I can't sleep.

Am back in that cycle where I wake up at 4 in the morning, almost bang on, as if by alarm clock. Any thoughts? Any poor sod up like me?

OP posts:
RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 15/12/2011 12:50

I suppose he'll be able to say 'look what I did for you' later on. But at least he did it.

Hugs from here too. And cat says hello to your cat (alright in reality she'd hiss but...)

ChildofIsis · 16/12/2011 11:13

It's funny but I don't think he would verbally use it against me.
It's him exerting control again, all very covert and unsaid.

Once over I would have spent the next few weeks trying to make it up to him as he'd done me a huge favour.
When in actual fact he was caring for his daughter, parenting is it's own reward.

I've always done the bulk of the parenting and he earned the bulk of the money.
In reality that's him working 40 -50 hours per week for a very good salary and me doing everything else.
It's like some 1950s timewarp.
And I thought I was independent, well I am now!
It's so much easier doing everything myself when there are no expectations of someone maybe doing a bit to 'help'.

Mum's a little stronger, we still don't know what the future holds but then none of us do.

RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 16/12/2011 11:24

I so agree about the (unfulfilled) expectations of help.

And mine didn't even earn the bulk of the money. Long story, but he is basically cocklodger.

So sorry to hear about your mum, hope she keeps improving.

ChildofIsis · 16/12/2011 11:30

In all likelihood Mum hasn't got long, she's got a very damaged heart and damaged lungs.
Anything she's treated for is to increase her comfort and decrease her pain in the meantime.

It's a sad fact of life but we all have to face it eventually.

She's been ill for around 3 years and has had multiple heart surgeries and investigations.
She wants to be well enough to go home again but I don't know if she ever will.

RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 16/12/2011 11:46

Yeah we all have to face it, but she is your mum Sad Luckily both my P are still going, pretty fit for how old they are.

ParsleyTheLioness · 16/12/2011 18:09

Good that she is a bit better Isis.

ChildofIsis · 18/12/2011 18:07

Mum passed away this afternoon, it was a peacefull end.

I don't quite know what I'm going to do without her.
We'd become friends since DD was born after years of animosity and angst.

ParsleyTheLioness · 18/12/2011 19:46

Oh Isis....so sorry. ring if you need to (hugs). x

ChildofIsis · 18/12/2011 19:49

I'll give you a call in a few minutes, thanks.

ParsleyTheLioness · 19/12/2011 08:08

Sending you vibes to get you through the day today...please try and make some time for a nice bath or something, to recharge yourself. x

ChildofIsis · 19/12/2011 09:50

Thankyou Parsley, your support is very much appreciated.

I'm feeling quite adrift today.
All the close support I thought would always be there has gone in the last 4 months and I'm not sure what to do about it.
I know I will cope and that life goes on blah blah, but I'm sick of 'coping' and just would like someone else to cope for me.

Well it'll be January soon and hopefully next year will be more positive.

ParsleyTheLioness · 19/12/2011 15:39

Isis if ex is being supportive, could you let him for a bit, or would this just feel wrong?

ChildofIsis · 19/12/2011 16:09

He is being supportive up to a point and I am letting him help.
It feels odd to let him but I need all the help I can get at the minute.

My head is mashed today and I just don't know what to think any more.

The funeral is on thursday 29th, I'm gratefull that my DB and DStepD have managed to get it arranged before new year.

ParsleyTheLioness · 19/12/2011 17:06

Ok. Have you got someone to go with you?

ChildofIsis · 20/12/2011 11:22

My birth mum and her husband have been invited to come.
I'm thrilled that my brother and Stepdad wanted her to be there, I was worried about being on my own.
Apparently stepdad said he'd like her to be there for me and to meet the rest of my family.

RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 20/12/2011 12:10

So sorry to hear about your mum, of course you are feeling mashed. Lean on anyone you can, post here, whatever. x

RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 20/12/2011 12:10

whatever might help

ParsleyTheLioness · 20/12/2011 14:55

Isis that is good news, at a bad time.

ChildofIsis · 20/12/2011 15:52

There's always a silver lining however dark the cloud may be.

I'm feeling a bit more balanced today, lots of phone support last night helped.

I'm very glad that school has finally broken up for the holidays.
I'm looking forward to being able to slob around in my pjs tomorrow morning. I don't suppose I'll get a lie-in though!

ParsleyTheLioness · 21/12/2011 10:09

I know what you mean Isis, I've been able to get up later today....beats having to be up at 0700 for sure. Re the support we get from people when times are tough. I find that there is an odd thing about it. Some people are a bit rubbish at it, some peeps are absolutely brilliant. And you often can't predict which group people will be in, there are often suprises IMO. Yay to PJ days. x

ChildofIsis · 21/12/2011 13:40

You are so right about not knowing who will be there for you in a crisis.
Some of my married/partnered friends backed right off after xh left.
I assume it's because they have no sphere of reference from which to help.

On the flip side my friends who've been through it have been marvellous.
Also my admiration for their fortitude has grown.
I knew they'd been through it but I had no experience so couldn't empathise truly.
I have always supported my friends through anything that's befallen them, and have never understood those who pick and choose the traumas they help with.

I guess that most people help where they feel most comfortable and back off from the stuff they feel awkward about.
I think they're called fair weather friends.
I really know who my true friends are now, and I've got lots of them.
Thank goodness for lovely friends! Parsley included!

ParsleyTheLioness · 21/12/2011 18:35

Thanks Isis!
Have been to see elderly Great Aunt and Uncle of dd's today, about 15 miles away, in a residential home. Somewhat thrown to find mil, bil and sil there, given that they live over 2 hrs away. Awkward or what....mil and bil ignored me. Sis made vauge small talk gestures, but as I have been completely cut off by then, I think its a bit hypocritical tbh....Anyone would think it was me online dating, not ah....

ChildofIsis · 21/12/2011 20:19

Isn't it funny how people ignore the ones they've hurt and treat them as if they were the perpetrators of the hurt.
It's guilt and shame driving them to pretend they haven't acted badly.

ParsleyTheLioness · 21/12/2011 20:45

Maybe Isis, but tis short-sighted. Dd will always be their relative, and as they live 2 1/2 hrs away, this relies on me a lot for contact, so anything towards co-operation would make sense you would think.

ChildofIsis · 21/12/2011 20:48

You've hit the nail on the head there, they clearly don't think!
Their need to be spitefull is obviously more important than family to them.
More fool them.