Can't sleep, marriage falling apart...

[Ineversignedupforthis]

Trying to keep it together for now. Major problems with massively entitled, passive aggressive oh, which keep coming up. Been going on and off for 20 yrs (the problems).

Have bi-polar, which is generally under control, but know I have to be careful, particularly during stress, when I can't sleep.

Am back in that cycle where I wake up at 4 in the morning, almost bang on, as if by alarm clock. Any thoughts? Any poor sod up like me?

Oooh I like Isismini what a great name for DD.

She's been ok since being so friendly with the loo this morning.
Can't go back to school til monday though so we'll have to just have a lie-in in the morning, shame.
You're right about the convenience of being able to work around ill dcs.

Have you had any 'me' time this week?
I find that if I've ignored myself then I end up lower than usual.

That's the plus side of a sick day, a lie-in, lol! Haven't had any me time really....need a bath and a glass of wine on the side methinks.

A glass of wine is a sound idea.

Ok. Have had one. or three....bored now...why do we do this stuff (marry tossers I mean?).

Parsley I went for a fixer-upper - thought we both needed rescuing and we could rescue each other. Was yours a charmer?

Yes, he was. It worked reasonably well for quite a long time too.

Mine convinced me he was the most trustworthy faithfull man on the planet.
Mind you he fooled everyone else as well.

I'm so glad he's gone.
I still get really upset about the future that isn't going to happen, but know that I'm now completely in control of the future me and DD are going to have.

I get sad that I won't be sharing xmas with a close partner, but the truth is that the last few have been awful and I'd rather it just be me and DD than go through what we have done in the past again.

It's like I'm on a see-saw in my mind.
It is getting easier but xmas is certainly challenging my new found equilibrium.

I'm hopefull of getting at least one night out over the festive period. I've started to feel quite isolated from 'normal' life over the last 3 months.

Would be good to get a night out Isis. I am having Crimbo lunch with the knitting ladies in a couple of weeks, but, tho it will be fun, doesn't count!

I've wrapped some xmas gifts this morning and am off to collect a friend from the train for a girlie lunch and catch up.
I can guarantee it will get silly.

xh's vehicle wouldn't start this morning so I delivered DD to his.
First time I've been in weeks, looks like a student squat.
Stuff everywhere, no order or tidiness. So that's how my house would have been without my influence.

Do you know it's a revelation to live in a tidy house!

Had a great time with my friend.
It did indeed get silly within about 10 mins of her train coming in.

Her xbf dumped her the same day xh left me, although she's no kids she was with him 10 years and is going through the emotional wringer too.

We have laughed all day.
I feel a bit flat now though.

DD will be home soon and I'll get a big snuggle to cheer me up.
I think children give the best hugs in the world.
I miss her so much when she's not here. I know she'll have had a great time though.
I can't wait til the holidays when she's here all the time.

Hiya, I know what my house looks like without my influence, as I am treating the master bedroom and ensuite as my personal living space and leaving most of the housework in the rest of the house to ah/stbx and DD (21) who is planning to live in his house when he buys one and moves out. Don't care, as hope house will be valued low.

My space doesn't look all that impressive either - neither of us were the tidiest, but I have always been the one that tackled the mess and cleaning, usually before a parental visit. Thanks to Flylady, I can do it now, but damned if I'm doing it atm.

Glad you had a nice time with your friend, Isis, I rang my oldest friend, from when we were 8 years old, last night to catch up on each other's lives, and she was so supportive.

Yes, if the house is a mess, hopefully the valuation will be lower... my front door need painting, but blowed if I'm going to do it. Teenage dd is so messy though, I couldn't just leave it...

Well ladies the 'calm before the storm' feeling I've been having has been proved.
Xh said the dna test was done and the results are expected on friday.
He wants to tell DD about the child on saturday then DD can go to ow's for tea over christmas.

Now I may be wrong but I don't think any of that is in DD's best interests.
She's 5.5 and is still traumatised at times about daddy leaving and now he wants to tell her that she has to share him with another child who he planned with ow whilst he was married to me.
Although he may not want her to know the last bit, the maths will tell the truth of that to her when she'd older.

Am I right in thinking he's being selfish?

Yes, he's being selfish....will think about the other stuff before I give you considered opinion....hard though for you. Hugs. x

I don't want to stop DD knowing her own relative, least of all a little girl who she already knows and loves.
However I have a deep sinking feeling that it may escalate the issues DD and I are currently dealing with and will possibly fill my house with talk of DD's other family.
It's like a knife being driven into my heart.

Mind you once it's done it's done, and it won't be looming over me like a dark cloud as it has been for 14 weeks.
And finally he's set a date for DD to stay over at his place 28th december!!

Isis I don't have personal experience of this, just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are having to go through it.

Thanks, it's good to know that I'm not alone in the world.
That was drama I know.
I know I'm not alone but do feel isolated by my situation at times.

The strange thing is how many other people have experience of a child being conceived in deceipt and the trauma it causes.
It seems there are no depths to which some won't stoop to satisfy their own selfish needs.

I've just posted on my f/b wall my christmas wish :
That all the selfish people in the world get what's coming to them with bells on.

Been and posted on that thread Isis...! You are doing the grown-up thing in not being obstructive about a relationship with Isismini potential half-sibling. Yes, she will at some point do the maths, but you cannot control other people's bad behaviour, in this case your sbxh.... It is hard, and very selfish of him. I still think counselling is a marvellous thing, done properly, and am still waiting for the school counselling to kick in for her (it might be on t'other thread, but there was a fight this week, which seems to have escalated into that becuase of her anger at her situation). It fuels my hatred for ah, for setting in motion a chain of events that has gone this way. I will never forgive him for what he has done to our family. If you can forgive yours, let me know how its done!

Do you know the forgiving is happening everyday, it's something I learned from the More To Life training.
It's the forgetting that's hard.

Forgiveness is the refusal, absolute refusal to hold ill-will/resentment against others; or yourself; for your own benefit.
Once I realised I was forgiving for my own sake it became easier.
If I continue to carry ill-will towards others it will eat me up and create negativity within me and for me.
Forgiveness does not have the others' actions being ok or have you liking the action or person.
Forgiveness frees you to be authentically you and allows you to step forward from a position of truth.

I honestly don't know where I'd be without the work of the More To Life Foundation, it's been an emotional lifesaver.

Of course my friends MN and RL have been an absolute lifesaver too.

I may be skint at present but in terms of emotional welfare I am the richest person in the world!!

Well xh came round to see DD for an hour yesterday late afternoon.
As expected he made no mention of the texts I'd sent him detailing his selfishness and lack of regard for DD's feelings and chatted away as usual.
I'd been quite forcefull in my opinions in the texts.
Finally I'm standing up to him, I don't think he knows what to do about that!

He was conspicuous (sp?) in his attempts to be light and humourous.
As he was leaving I said that we need to have a serious conversation and said 'yeah, yeah'. I told him not to yeah, yeah me and that this was important.
I said that DD could easily wait a while before needing to know about the child and that he had to examine his motives.
He didn't look happy as he went, shame.

Do you know what I feel 10 feet tall today, he's such a shit and I don't have to put up with him anymore. Hurrah!

Yay Isis

Glad you feel better about stuff Isis.

Well had another mercy dash across the pennines to Mum yesterday.
She's got a herniated bowel and is very ill indeed.
On tuesday they weren't sure if she'd see the weekend, at that point they didn't know what the blockage was.
She's rallied again, surgery is needed but she's had her fill of it after having a stroke during the last lot of surgery.
My DB thinks she may change her mind and have the procedure, apparently it can be done under an epidural rather than full GA.

So enter xh being kind and supportive, my inner cynic wonders what's in it for him?
He came back up from work; down south; early to pick up DD from school and have her at his for the night, first time ever.
So I've woken in a house without DD and am very anxious and emotional.
It was awful coming back to a forlorn cat last night.

So much for a lovely lie-in, I've been up since 5.30am!

Oh Isis....sending hugs and good wishes to you. Will light a candle for you both. Message me if you need to.