anxiety has taken over, can't cope with life right now

[kaylasmum]

hi, i've suffered from anxiety and depression for many years now. I've had cbt and am on citalopram 40mg. I have health anxiety and its ruining my life.

I've been to the drs 3 times in the last 2 and a half weeks and had 2 phone consultations too. I've been having diahorreah lots and i'm worried sick. I feel that the drs dismisss my health fears because of my anxiety. I'm losing weight cos i can't eat. Day to day life is an ordeal. I feel like i'm going insane.

I've been referred back for cbt. I just need someone to talk to, i can't really speak to my dp cos he does'nt understand and he's getting annoyed with me. He said to me the other day "are you going to keep going to the drs until they tell you that you do have cancer" i found that very hurtful. I feel so alone.

hi,

Thanks again for your continued support, its much appreciated.

Yesterday was'nt a good day at all. Spent most of it feeling highly anxious and trawling the net on my phone. Feel so bad for my kids cos they are'nt getting the attention they deserve.

I feel totally worn out, just want to feel happy again instead of having these morbid thoughts invading my head all day everyday.

Reading up a lot on anxiety and looked at the anxiety uk site.

Hi kaylasmum, I'm sorry it's so awful for you atm but you're going to get help very soon . I was just like you , and found the anxiety can ease and you can live normally again & enjoy life .

I'd suggest being open with your DC about feeling temporarily almost powerless over the anxiety but it's an illness and you can get better . Tell them you 're not being as attentive etc with them as you want to be & that you want them to enjoy life until you can join in again ( sorry if this is nonsense - it's the sort of thing I would tell them )
.
Your CBT will get you to pace out the internet checking /, asking for reassurance etc till you can cope fine without them , over time - I know it takes ages , but it will happen
You've done well to go , now you can think about trying to lengthen the time between checking net / self etc . . hope you feel better for the fresh air.

Oh no , I've always dreaded posting in a rush and saying "I was just like you" oh God - I meant , symptoms as intense and similar behaviours . I know you've experienced a heavy load of caring responsibility from very young , been through tragic breavement and brought up 5 DC !! < humbled > plus work , dgc ...

don't worry about the post, i understand what you meant.

I know i just have to hang on until my cbt appt and hopefully things will start to improve.

We're on a lovely campsite near matlock in derbyshire, the weather is amazing and the kids are out playing with their new friends. I really want to relax and enjoy this holiday, its going to take a huge
Effort on my part but i'm determined not to spoil it for everyone.

It does me good to hear that other people have been through this and come out the other side.

Hi kaylasmum , so glad you're managing to take pleasure in your family's enjoyment , you're doing brilliantly . You may well experience quite significant bouts of anxiety , but just keep on doing your best as usual & don't be hard on yourself if you don't achieve much of any of the things you usually manage .

Don't let loved ones tease / scold you too much < still a bit bitter myself > & yes , absolutely ypu can be optimism ; my life was at a standstill from severe anxiety which became longterm due to other factors - but am able to get about & enjoy life now , so I have confidence you can do so again too ... any blips are very , very rare & managable now. You'll see the same story time & again on anxiety forums .

Hope you find your holiday refreshes you x

hi,

Unfortunately i'm not doing too good today, my bms were ok yesterday and first thing this morning but had to go again and very loose. I just can't cope with this, i'm trying to keep this from the kids but its getting harder and harder. I can feel myself sinking deeper into depression every day.

I called my gp hoping to speak to someone but nobody would. I know i have anxiety but that does'nt mean i cant have anything serious wrong with.

Hi kaylasmum , so sorry I haven't been able to post till now ... I agree you have the right to have your concerns taken seriouslsy & investigated without prejudice about your anxiety , & I have quite a bit of experience of having been in your sort of position , though not worried about any possible malignancy . If you do feel genuinely blocked from adequate care in the coming weeks , you'll find Mners about for advice eg on symptoms & if you should end up needing to see how your GPs' attitudes & practice compare with others .

I really hope the GPs will deal with you in a satisfactory way but I wouldn't go back to them till I'd seen the thrapist , in case it increases the GPs' potential sense of you panicking before your diarrhoea has been severe enough , gone on for long enough to meet the guidelines for referring you for further tests - as you say they look at any other symptoms , whether you're in an at risk group , & other factors complicating the symptoms eg your anxiety .
I honestly think this doesn't sound like severe diarrhoea , but have certainly been v worried by this symptom myself in the past , so sympathise totally . Hang on in there , I know you're suffering x

hi,

Sorry not to reply sooner. Still feeling pretty anxious, especially as soon as i wake up. Pins and needles in my arms all day, so hard to do anything, just want to lie down all day, feel nervous when being out and about, appetite still poor.

Think i should just be locked up.

Hi again, no problem - I'm v slow in managing to reply, as you know. Sorry you're feeling dreadful; I'm not stalking you but did see your other thread I didn't realise you dread being referred on / further tests , etc ... I thought you were worried you wouldn't be (& I know it would be normal to have mixed feelings). I hope the therapy can really tackle the painful issues causing this fear - connected to your parents' health problems and their early passing, perhaps?
You may be going through a crisis during which deep subjects your mind really needs to process come to the surface, and you will come through somewhat relieved that the turmoil forced you to face the things you most feared . However, the current severe attack of anxiety is probably bringing up your long repressed fears.
A lot of this anxiety is a cycle of fear setting off further fear chemicals, going on and on - so learning how to manage your feelings and thoughts (or not attaching too much importance to them all the time) will help you feel calmer and the fear cycle will calm down.
I can't recommend strongly enough that you read several books about anxiety - it will help you as you try to limit the checking / needing reassurance which are accidentally making your anxiety worse. Thinking of you xx

hi,

The idea of tests does terrify me, beyond words. Not actually the process but waiting for results.

I had a more relaxed evening last night and had a good laugh with the kids, then had a couple of glasses of wine and watched a film with my dp. I actually felt like my old self again.

Woke up this morning and the first thing i think about is whether i need a bowel movement or not, then the fear starts creeping up. All the usual horrible symptoms and this is the pattern to my day.

I really feel immense guilt for ruining this holiday.

Hello.
Glad to hear you had a relaxed eve yesterday but sorry you woken up with anxiety again.
Why do you feel you have ruined the holiday? Has your children or patner said something?
I know you are going through a hard time at the moment but you will soon get help. Have you tried explaining things to your family?
I still haven't had results for my blood tests. The Dr did say he would call if he picked something up.
I've got to take one of the girls there this afternoon. She has some moles on her skin that have been a bit itchy on and off. I'm hoping it is just where the have catched on clothes. But that is another worry for me know. I hope my Dr doesn't think it is just me being overly anxious as usual but also hope it is nothing to worry about.
Off out now to meet a friend to try and think about something else.
Take care.

hi catx2,

Hopefully you'll hear about your blood results today and you'll get some peace of mind. Also hope everything goes ok with your dd. Its just a constant worry is'nt it?

My children are 7 and 4 so don't really feel i can talk to them about this. Not sure if they've noticed how i've been but i know my dp is annoyed with me, i've not been doing anything to help at all, i'v just been letting him do everything and thats not like me at all, its usually the other way round. Still don't feel like eating.

How are your symptoms now?

Hope your day goes well.

Please don't feel so guilty about not feeling able to do much , kaylasmum - your dp should take over the things you can't manage while you're ill , as far as possible < says she who knows nothing of your set-up > . You have an incredibly severe bout of anxiety and are not able to behave as normal / as you want to . I'm sure your family would rather have you there with them than for you have stayed behind , however differently you might feel atm.

It's dreadful for you to have such an intense fear about waiting for results , but your CBT therapist can help you devise a plan for how to deal with such anxiety provoking events , which you can commit to and bring out if the event occurs .
Really glad you were able to relax a bit last night , that's very hopeful news . Hope you have a reasonable evening and a decent sleep tonight .

hi,

I can't help feeling guilty, i normally really enjoy our trips away in our caravan but this really has been difficult. When we've gone out anywhere i feel really eddgy and anxious but feel much calmer when we get back to the caravan.

My dp has been doing everything but he has made a couple of comments, but tbh i can't really blame him. I just wish i could relax more. Its got to the point now that i'm scared to eat incase it upsets my stomach, though i am eating small amounts. Even going to the toilet to pass urine is anxiety inducing now. God i'm so messed up! Feel like crying but don't think i can.

I'm hoping that there will be no need for any invasive tests and that things will settle down on there own once i've started my cbt.

Thank you for your continued support and understanding, it means a lot to me.

Hi Kaylasmum.
It is most likely your diarrhoea is due to your anxiety. I think I mentioned to you before that a while ago I had normal bm every morning when I woke up but as soon as I started rushing around to get the kids to school and myself to work I got diarrhoea and could go a few times. However did this not happen at the weekend when I didn't have to rush.
Like you said yourself hopefully it well settle down when you have had your councelling. You have done so well to get through the holiday.
When I had really bad health anxiety lat summer I did tell my children. They were 7 then. I just said that I had had a bad headache and was just a bit stressed because I had so much to do.
They did get worried at times but I just reassured them that I would feel better again soon (eventhough I felt like I was dying).
It was very hard at times and some days I laid on the sofa the whole day and got my dh to do everything. That is not like me because even when I've had something like Tonsillitis I still get up and take care of the kids and the house. And yes my dh got a bit fed up with me after a while and made some rude comments every now and then.
I didn't have councelling. Citalopram was enough to calm me down. Although I'm afraid it has come back but so far I'm managing to still get on with things most of the time. Sometimes I wish I could go back on the Citalopram but it just made me constipated.
my symptoms are pretty much the same although that feeling of having done loads of sit ups seems to have calmed down. Maybe I did stretch my tummy muscles. I do remember dragging the kids trampoline the day before it started.
I took my dd to the Dr this afternoon and he examined the moles and said they were fine. They normaly don't get nasty in children. I felt like a right idiot, like he was thinking here comes the crazy one again that is always anxious. But I spoke to a few people who all said I should have it checked out. And my dd was worried to. Anyway I'm glad we got it looked at.
Sorry for going on a bit but I don't really tell any others about my worries. Although had a really good chat with a good frien today that I haven't seen for a while.
Hope your journey back home is good.
Take care.

hi catx2,

I'm so pleased that it went well at the drs for your dd. One less thing to worry about! I also think you were right to take her to check it out.

I think the drs must think i'm a total pain aswell but i'm sure they get well paid in their jobs so they'll just have to put up with me! Lol!

We're leaving this campsite tomorrow morning and stopping off halfway up the road at a campsite somewhere then travelling the rest of the way home on saturday.

Hope you get your blood results soon and if you need a chat i'll be checking this thread regularly.

Thanks so much for your kind words kaylasmum , and I hope you feel less worried today about managing to get this anxiety under control . Thinking back through my worst times with HA has reminded me both of the progress away from the hellish times and of the issues I still need to work on , so thank you for that.
Hope you have had a slightly better day but please don't be concerned if you haven't - the symptoms are bad enough to deal with , without having to worry whether tye anxiety's better / worse etc ...your CBT will help you to measure your progress

Fabulous advice from catx2 who knows the score - I'm sorry you've had the worry about DD's moles , and glad you were able to take her to the surgery ...I have issues with HCPs and would have struggled with all the appts DCs need (don't have kids ) and can't imagine how much my HA might have resurfaced if I had them - projected onto them , me , dh , the cat - argh

hi cityhobgoblin,

Sorry i've not replied till now.

I went for my cbt appt yesterday only to find out that its today. I got myself all psyched up for going aswell. Still feeling extremely anxious through the day but i relax more in the evening.

Not had any diahoreah for a week but things are still a little loose and going twice a day, always in the morning when i wake up. I'm eating more and only lost 2lbs in the last week so feel better about that.

Will let you know how i get on today.

Hi catx2,

How are you? Have you had your blood results back yet?

I hope you're doing ok.

Hi kaylasmum
Poor you having to psych yourelf up for it again today , but at least you weren't a day late as I would have been [hsmile] . Sending my most positive thoughts and looking forward to hearing how it went - it's difficult when you desperately need a fast start to your recovery but seeing someone face - to- face in RL is slow off the mark . Hope you feel positive about the therapist .

That sounds amazingly positive about both the diarrhoea and the slower weight loss. Very well done on the eating more , it must have been really anxiety - provoking . < always manages to sound patronising , sorry >

HI Kaylasmum
I've had health anxiety in the past - and the symptoms were very similar to yours: v. upset stomach, unable to eat (I lived on plain rice for about six months and used to do two batches if I somehow 'contaminated' the first one...), pins and needles, anxiety, stomach churning, not wanting to go out... It's all horribly familiar.

What I realised after a lot of therapy was that it was just another way of the anxiety/depression that I seem to carry with me surfacing. When I was a teenager it was anorexia (and now I'm fat... no, seriously), then it was a phobia about vomit, then it was a phobia about hand washing, then it was OCD with locking doors etc., then it was the hygiene thing, then it was the health thing... It's all the same monster but with different heads.

CBT is a sticking plaster to get you functioning but I seriously recommend trying to find a charity or something nearby that will offer a series of appointments with a psychologist or someone who can help you look at your past and how you are dealing with it. I've avoided medication because of my obsession with side effects (and 60mg Prozac just made me into a zombie) but please stick with it, if you've found one that generally works for you. I'm hoping not to go into aother depression, after nearly killing myself in January. So far, going for a good five mile walk (broken up through the day) and taking a proper St John's Wort seems to help - although it's not all good.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone, and you can - and will - feel better. Hang in there
x

hi ciythobgoblin,

My appt went well, my psychologist has told me to stop going onto health and medical sites on the net. She says to do it gradually and to keep a diary of when i do go on and how i'm feeling at the time. I've also to resist calling the gp for reassurance.

I'm going back next tuesday and i'm determined to get better, i owe it to my family.

Hi angstymummy,
Its hell living like this, is'nt it? I've also got a big fear of vomiting, if the kids get a bug i'm a complete nightmare.

Its a psychologist thats doing my cbt, i had the same one the last time and it did help. Things have been very difficult over the last 2 years so this has probably been whats caused this. I want so much to get better, i want to feel happiness instead of fear.

Yes, sometimes it can feel like hell but it does, always always, get better. I'm such a nightmare when she's ill - in fact DH sleeps in the living room with a monitor, I've got the room with headphones & white noise cos she was ill three times over the winter & I turned into a total basket case (snowed in, no friends, no family, sicky toddler, blah blah blah) and now I can't drive with her in the car. now that really IS a pain in the arse!
I'm so glad you're seeing someone you trust - that is a huge bonus - but ask them if there's any chance of seeing them for a talking session too, or something long term. CBT can really help but I've only ever been given about 6 sessions - the things we're dealing with need more than that tbh.
Also, I can't recommend a book called 'Undoing Depression' highly enough - I'm working my way through it now. The guy is american but is a working doctor in this area and has suffered from it himself. He's great. Here's a link to the site. www.undoingdepression.com/
So nice to 'meet' others who don't think I'm a total loser. :-)
We'll just hang out in the corner here and know that, one day, we'll be better
xxx

hi,

When i last had cbt i had around 20 sessions. What do you mean by a talking session?

What kind of treatment have you had? I just feel that no-one understands me, especially my dp who i try to talk to about it but he just does'nt get it. I think he's fed up with it all.

Hi Kaylasmum.

I just asked for you over on the "general health" because for some reason I couldn't find this thread earlier.

Glad you have started your councelling and you are getting help.

My bloodtests were fine. Still waiting to hear from the hospital.

Only got 2 working days this week and the 3 next week and the I'm off until Sept. Can't wait!

Take care.

hi, ive been suffering with anxiety for almost 2 years now. since i had my daughter i became really ill and still back and forth to the doctors waiting for answers and this has caused me to have severe anxiety and panick attacks due to stressing and worrying all the time.
its a horrible and dark place, and nobody truely understands it fully unless they have experienced it, my partner says he can understand but i struggle to just leave the house most days, and he will say "why cant u just go outside!?"
i used to be such a happy positive, laid back person and now i seem to have become sooooo negative about everything! i freak out when im even drinking, am i going to choke? its stupid.
i reccomend trying to get a support worker, this has worked so well for me and iv got a really close bond with mine now, shes lifted my confidence a lot in the few months i have been working with her. :)
hope this helps!! and all your symptoms are normal for anxiety, sometimes i have to run to the loo haha other days im so tense i cant go for days.
hope we can beat this horrible mind over taking illness! x