anxiety has taken over, can't cope with life right now

[kaylasmum]

hi, i've suffered from anxiety and depression for many years now. I've had cbt and am on citalopram 40mg. I have health anxiety and its ruining my life.

I've been to the drs 3 times in the last 2 and a half weeks and had 2 phone consultations too. I've been having diahorreah lots and i'm worried sick. I feel that the drs dismisss my health fears because of my anxiety. I'm losing weight cos i can't eat. Day to day life is an ordeal. I feel like i'm going insane.

I've been referred back for cbt. I just need someone to talk to, i can't really speak to my dp cos he does'nt understand and he's getting annoyed with me. He said to me the other day "are you going to keep going to the drs until they tell you that you do have cancer" i found that very hurtful. I feel so alone.

well thats me signed off for 2 weeks, my citalopram has been increased to 60mg. The dr told me thats the dose for ocd so hopefully i'll be able to stop obsessing over this. the dr also said that i should try a place called mindspace as they help with mh issues, the waiting list is'nt so long.

She asked me if i wanted her to examine me and i told her i was'nt sure. She did'nt. She asked me what i was worrying about and she said that i'm not in the risk category. She also said that i'd just have to believe what i'm being told. She also said that i don't have anal cancer. They can't all be wrong, can they?

I think i do worry more about dying because of my mum dying at this age. My mum died of a stroke but strangely enough i don't really worry too much about having one, though i'm probably more at risk of that than anal cancer.

Thanks again for your kind words, i'm overwhelmed at the kindness of the people on here who've helped me, i appreciate it so much.

So glad you have been signed off. I hope you have a restful and peaceful two weeks. If the citalopram dose is right then fingers crossed you will get some respite from the obsessive thoughts.

I had a recommendation today from a friend about an organisation called Anxiety UK. Who have a Monday to Friday helpline run by people who have experienced OCD and anxiety. www.anxietyuk.org.uk/get-help/membership-benefits/. You don't have to be a member to access the helpline but membership gives access to other services. Don't know if it costs anything to be a member - will have to check that out. I have bookmarked the site for myself and thought I would share it with you in case you hadn't already seen it.

Take it easy KM. All those doctors aren't wrong!

hi again,
Thanks for the link to the website, i'll take a look.

Just received a letter from the psychology department and i have an appt for the 19th of july. I'm seeing the same psychologist as the last time. I'm so relieved that i'm not going to have to wait too long. I can't believe how quickly this has come through.

I know in the rational part of my brain that the doctors must be right and i have to keep a hold of that. All i want is to be "normal".

Glad you know the CBT appt & have met the psychologist before . FDH's *'s website will point you to good info & remind you how many people overcome their anxiiety and keep on top of it .

Completely agree re :urging you to check , at an appropriate time , whether you're having thyroid problems or hormonal changes , as over the years I've often blamed myself for not using calming techniques effectively without realising there was a physical reason why the stress response was easily triggered !
If the studies on childhood stresss are accurate , being a carer for your Dad , & worrying about him , on top of your parent's split , may have sensitised you to stress - severe / sustained stress in childhood affects you so incredibly strongly & fundamentally , IME .

So sorry you lost your parents early on , & your Mum when you so needed your mother .FDH is surely right that it's tied in with being the age your DM was when you lost her - sorry FDH for your Mother's premature passing , & for the recent loss of your Father .. I've had disruptive bouts of minor health problems plus anxiety then realised they coincide with something associated with bereavement , & they faded away on their own. ( not suggesting your current symptoms are minor , but that grieving can be very physical ).

Brilliant that you have some breathing space . I think you did really well not to beg the GP to examine you ! Do think she spoilt it a bit by saying you'll just have to believe what the doctors say : we can't trust in a vacumn , & need to take into account our experiences , our situation , how balanced our judgement might be at the time , health info & statistics ( & then we have to work out how far we should believe them , but may have to give up at this point ) ....
If symptoms carry on / worsen over a moderate period of time , & balanced source (s) of info point you to go back to the GP , eventually further checks will be made - so you don't have to trust for a long period of time ( erm. ... I'm sure GP took it for granted that you know this , but I don't think she should have , as nothing is "obvious" when you're in a state of high anxiety - I couldn't trust my judgement on the subject I was worried about , especially as we also feel shame for having health anxiety ).

Hope the increase in dosage helps you get over this v rough patch , but take care of yourself as you might get initial sideffects which affect you more than they would usually .

Glad you have a referral to an Endocrinologist , FDR, as some women suffer years of problems which might have been treated.

Hope some rest , the website & resources help you through till the CBT kaylasmum & sorry for inability to write concisely.

hi, i did feel that she was being a bit abrupt when she said that.

I was feeling a bit better but i've had another bout of diahorreah this afternoon. I was fine earlier when i went so a bit anxious and worried about that now. Have had about 6/8 episodes of diahorreah now in the last 4 weeks. Can't go back to the drs again. I did mention that my bowels have been loose aswell. She did'nt really say anything, just nodded her head.

God, when is this ever going to end?

Hi Kayla,

Do you understand why they have decided it is piles and not cancer? Ask the doctor about this or have a look online to set your mind at ease. Ask as many questions as you need to understand why they made that diagnosis, to help you feel more confident.

Piles is when some of the little blood vessels down there get strained. When they are on the outside you get little spots of bllod on the toilet paper, but when they are internal it looks like bleeding out of the bottom, so can look a bit dramatic and very worrying. But it is still just piles!

It sounds like you have done the right thing, and had it all properly checked out. Well done. So the best thing to do now is treat your piles and diarhoea. Have the doctors given you advice on this?

hi,

The drs have'nt really explained why they are saying its a pile, i suppose just because they've seen/felt a good few of them in their careers. 2 drs said that if it was cancerous it would feel different. Also one dr told me that anal cancer is virtually unheard of in my age group.

As far as the loose bowels is concerned, i've told every dr (6) that i've spoken to about it and they seem to think its the anxiety causing it. I do have ibs which is triggered by stress. I've been given cream for the pile but the dr i saw today said that some piles never go away.

I can't go back to the drs again.

Hi kaylasmum , I wouldn't be worried about the diarrhoea yet , despite that number of bouts over that period of times , as you've been suffering such severe anxiety and it could so very well be that , your IBS may be playing you up , or your gut may have lost some its healthy bacteria due to a slight bug you've had recently but were too busy to pay much attention to - I 'm guessing you must have plenty of exposure to kids' typical bugs ?

I would buy a high dose probiotic like acidopholous from a health shop ( some people get the runs if they start by with the full dose , so mind out ) and see if your diarrhoea improves over the next few weeks . If it doesn't , any GP will find it reasonable for you to go back about it . There are lots of non - sinister reasons for the runs to come & go like this.

If the pile were to persist for ages I expect & hope a GP would refer you for further tests even if they didn't really think you needed it , but it really doesn't sound as though a GP would think anywhere near enough time has lapsed yet as per their guidelines . You won't be stuck in limbo forever . Hope diarrhoea doesn't recur & you get a rest this evening.

hi cityhobgoblin,

The anxiety is creeping up again, so fed up with this now, don't know what to do. Its not constant diahorreah, quite loose in the morning then starts to improve. But today it was fairly loose first thing then firned up later, had a banana and a packet of crisps and had to go again within an hour and it was diaahoreah. God i hte this!

kayla I cant add to the excellent advice on here except to say no wonder anxiety is one of your main issues! You've suffered emotional trauma right through your life and although I am not a health professional by any means I would strongly agree that your bowel issues are triggered by anxiety.

What do you do to relax? Can you think of times in your life that have been a "breathing space" as a lack of them will not have helped.

My Mum also died in her 40's and that was bad enough, had I also had to endure my parents separating at such a young age, and subsequent beareavement, pregnancy and PND all on top of each other...well it is no wonder you struggle to get up!

I really hope counselling works for you. You need a sympathetic ear and space to process all that has happened - I believe that symptoms such as yours occur when the emotions can't be expressed and have nowhere else to go. Which is NOT the same as saying it is all in your head.

Do you think you might be fixating on the cancer issue because it is something tangible that can be treated and fixed? Your level of anxiety is absolutely appropriate given all you have been through, so to dismiss it is not helpful.

hi madameovary,

I am very grateful for all the kind posts and advice on here. I just have to not let myself get in a state over the loose stools, its a vicious circle. I've been thinking that maybe because i've hardly been eating that this could be contributing to it, if i'm not eating much food then there wont be anything solid to come out, but maybe thats just wishful thinking.

I enjoy reading to relax but have'nt really been able to doo that lately, cant concentrate. I've found the relaxation cd i was given last time i went to cbt so going to give that a go.

I'm sorry to hear that you lost your mum at such a young age also.

I'm not sure why i'm so fixated on cancer. This is'nt the first time i've been totally convinced that i have cancer. In the past i've thought i had bowe cancer, cervical cancer' brain tumour, ovarion cancer, rectal cancer. I also managed to convince myself that my little girl had lymphoma or leukimia and my little boy kidney cancer and a soft tissue cancer. The internet is definately a part in this, way too much information

Hi Kaylasmum - so so sorry you are feeling so rough. I know the torment of the horrid illness (severe depressive episode last Easter and 3 months in psych ward) - still not fully recovered - several good weeks - then down I com with yet another blip.

I felt so sorry for you having to go into work when you were having so many anxiety symptoms and still are it seems. Depression and anxiety makes us feel that we should be able to makes ourselves better and we are being selfish, which makes us feel ashamed and guilty and that makes us feel
worse of course. This is the depression "talking" - it is a deceitful illness. When we are physically ill we don't feel like this but with mental illness it's a whole different ball game.

I am fortunate in that I am retired and children all grown with families of their own and there have been many days when I have had to force myself out of bed and on occasions I haven't managed it. I do feel for you younger women who are trying to hold down jobs, have young kids and are battling with awful anx/dep. It is clear that there has been so much stress for you since you were a child. Do you think some kind of therapy could help?

Re this thing about a "disciplinary" if you are off sick I wonder if the confusion is about the word "disciplinary." My dil works for a large energy company and they are only "allowed" 10 sick days per year, and if they go over that number that have to have an interview with a senior manager and are "warned" that if their is any further sick leave in that year, they could lose their job. Even if they have 1 or 2 days off sick they have to have a "back to work" interview, to find out what was wrong etc. Also my nephew lost his job (as a civil servant) because of exceeding the allowed numbers of sick days. He has an on going ear nose and throat problem but they would not accept this in the decision to sack him. SO I think you are right, it can happen - dreadful I know but there it is.

Really hope you got some help and support from GP

hi nananina,

That must have been such an awful time for you. I hope you're starting to feel better. Anxiety and depression is awful. My 2 eldest children have borderline personality disorder, they have both been suicidal in the past. My ds has tried to commit suicide on a number of occassions and for a long time a few years ago he regularly cut himself. My 19 yo also has problems, anxiety and mild ocd. I feel so guilty that they have been
Afflicted with this.

At my work if you have 3 abscences within 26 weeks you get a disciplinary. With this current abscence i think i'll have reached that. When you get disciplined it goes on record for 6 months and an overtime ban and also my bonus will be affected. I've worked their for over 20 years.

The drs i've seen have been pretty good with me, though i'm sure when they see my name they probably want to lock their doors!

well another anxety filled morning! Woke up to the usual feeling of fear and panic, pins and needled in my arms, churning stomach and dread. Lay in bed worrying about having diahoreah, got up, had diahoreah, felt more anxious than ever. Somehow managed to get the kids organised and up to school.

I decided to call the psychology department to see if i could get my appt sooner and was able to talk to my psychologist, which has helped a little. Got an earlier appt.

I took 2 anti-diahoreah tablets and had one of those probiotic yogurt drinks to see if that helps. Also took my increased dose of citalopram but worried that might upset my stomach unti my body adjusts to the higher dose.

Just had to write that all down.

Hi Kayla sorry that you are so anxious again today but big pat on back for looking after yourself so well by getting an earlier appointment - I had my dh and a friend chasing things at the time as I was not able to do that for myself.

Good thinking taking the prebiotic - just be aware that it works over time to help your gut bacteria stay healthy - so if it doesn't work today that's not a sign that it's cancer after all!!

To be honest it sounds like you have diarrhoea only in the day - even more proof if you like that it is anxiety (You say you have IBS, me too, and actually lots of anxiety = lots of IBS = piles from all the going and wiping - sorry if TMI)

Do what you can to keep going for now - give the citalopram a chance.

Take care.

thanks madmouse for that post,

It helps to see the rational reasons written down. Deep down i know the most likely cause is my ibs but of course that little voice creeps in to torment me.

I called the dr again!! Just a while ago. I'm so ashamed and embarrased by this. Its a dr i've seen on a few occasions when i've been worrying about cancer. He's very straightforward with me, abrupt almost but maybe thats what i need.

I can't believe i'm behaving like this, i'm a 45 yo mother of 5 and i can't control myself. I feel like giving up, everyday is torture.

Hi Kaylasmum, good to hear you are looking after yourself well. I expect it would feel different to the doctor if it was just a blood vessel rather than cancer. Its good that the doctor was straightforward with you.

A tip I have heard for piles is not to 'push' when you go to the loo. The poo muscles work by themselves automatically when there is poo, so there is no need to 'push'. 'Pushing' increases the blood pressure in those little blood vessels, which can make piles worse.

KM, what sort of things do you like doing? Can you start fitting in more of these things, even little things like a nice cup of tea/going for a walk.

hi,

I know the drs must right but i just cant help doubting them. I'm starting to relax about the pile but now i'm starting to focus on the diahorreah. I'm not going continously but at least once a day and its either loose or diahoreah. Cant stop my mind running away with me.

As far as doing things to relax, i dont really do anything but i should, i cant concentrate on anything atm.

I want to feel better, this anxiety is completely controlling me.

HI kaylasmum , that's the nature of anaxiety - your mind never rests & the anxiety shifts focus . I personally wouldn't be worried by the runs daily as I too have IBS , and would only be stressed if it went on for many weeks with no possible other cause / changed to more than once a day , for weeks and weeks . I avaoid dairy probiotic drinks when IBS plays up as find milk makes it worse - you can get dairy - free tablets . I'd think the Citalopram was linked to diarrhoea when you start / increase it , as previously mentioned .

The thing that might help still your mind until you get some CBT / Citalopram increase starts to help , is reading about anxiety , as there's always loads more to learn ...You won't feel so scared when you start to learn more about coping techniques , some of which I'm sure you already use.

Don't be too disheartened when you hit obstacles - it's one step forward , two steps backwards with this , IME .

hi city,

I'm trying so hard to fight this but its beating me. Can't motivate myself at all. My 19 yo dd is wanting me to go to town with her today but the thought of it makes me so anxious. I still can't eat properly and have lost 16lbs in a month. I think i'm averaging around 700 calories a day. I feel sick with every mouthful.

I had diahoreah yesterday but this morning it was a little better, soft but formed (sorry tmi).

We are going on holiday on saturday in our caravan down to derbyshire, normally i would be really excited about it but i'm actually dreading it. All i want to do is lie in my bed all day everyday but obviously can't.

I've never felt this bad before, ever.

Sorry to take all day to reply , kaylasmum - sorry you couldn't face the shopping trip with your dd but for the next few weeks , I'd advise you not to be surprised by feeling awful - don't worry about it ... how silly does that sound - but the stress responses & chemicals are absolutely raging in your brain at the momenbt and will take tim to die down .

No matter how endless and changing the anxiety might be , or dramatic the panic attacks you may have , the anxiety will start to subside ... Just read & read about the subject, that is key I think , and don't expect to enjoy the things you usually do , but really try not to avoid them either , or you really will feel knocked back lower . I know that's very hard advice . You're brave to go on your holiday & it should still make you feel loads better , but there will be hairy times , so ask your family not to be fretting whether you're relaxing etc .

Do you feel up to getting a couple of books on combatting anxiety from your the library , to be going on with ? You may have one or two left over from CBT before ?

This will not last forever , even though you've had a very hard time with anxiety etc for years , following many painful events & worries . You can find a way to live with manageable levels of anxiety . Hope you have a nice change of scene by going away .

hi cityhobgoblin,

Thanks for continuing to respond to me, i feel like i'm being very needy but i have no-one that i can talk to.

I actually did go out with my dd yesterday and it was'nt too bad but i was very glad to get back home. The dd i met had a gorgeous baby girl 6 weeks ago and because of this awful anxiety i've not been enjoying her as much as i should.

I have been drinking peppermint tea and my stomach feels much more settled but i'm just waiting for the increased citalopram to upset it all over again.

I've been sent a book on panic attacks from a very kind mnetter so have been reading bits of it. I've only just over a week until i see my psychologist.

You said you have ibs too, how were you diagnosed? I've had it for over 20 years now but have never had any tests done.

Got so much to do to get organised for going away tomorrow, really going to have to push myself but i'm dreading it.

Really sorry not to reply kaylasmum but have had flu - you won't see this if you've managed to get away ... but nothing wrong at with needing to chat with others who've had v similar experiences , on the contrary very healthy response & not "needy"

How brilliant that ayou managed to get out with your dd and congratulations on your little dgd ... with the therapy & othder steps to help yourself , you'll euip yourself to enjoy her a lot more .

Good about your tummy feeling more settled & I was never given any tests for the symptoms labeelled IBS .. usually I would not settle for this , being not from the UK originally I'm used to the doctor searching for answers !
I didn't want to rmake your anxiety worse by mentioning that IBS isn'rt a cause in itself - as you know , and doesn't mean anything sinister , just that sufferers should keep an eye on their symptoms & review them , and rersearch IBS to satisfy themselves about possible causes if the GP doesn't think delving into causes is necessary /possible at the time.

As you ask , a combination of a long - undiagnosed but painfully severe intolerance / allergy to dairy ( never had it checked ), plus bouts of food poisoning & , ahem , a gut parasite common to my country of birth , disrupted my gut . Prolonged & severe anxiety also exarcerbated the problem massively , for years on end. I found my symptoms started to ease as got through my 30s ( I think hormones play a part ) & have been fine for years as long as I avoid dairy .

If I were to develop very unusual symptoms for a length of time I wouldn't allow theem to be brushed off as IBS is a set of symptoms , not just a cause - but I have occasionally had quite prolonged changes in bowel function which have definitely not been caused by anything serious , & I think most people experience this . I know it's hard to differente at the best of times , so you can ask your therapist to help you draw up a plan of situations in which it's reasonable to seeek further medical help . Glad the book from the lovely Mner is helping & urge you to read everything you can find on the subject .

Hope you've managed to go away and are finding it a useful change if you're too tense to enjoy it - it's very brave to go away when so anxious , but it's the best thing you can do for yourself . Sorry for world's lngest post!

hi again,

Well we're on our way on holiday and i'm feeling very anxious. Stomach was good yesterday morning, had something quite spicy for tea, only ate about half and within an hour or so i had diahoreah. Got up this morning and had a totally normal bm, went again later and it was fine but then had to go a little later and it was diahoreah. Could it be because i'm barely eating? But then i am having normal bms inbetween. Its like eating something activates my bowel.

Can't get rid of this horrible anxious feeling. To top it all my period started today, 3 days late! Perfect timing!

You say you had prolonged problems with your stomach at one time, how long did it last?

I just want to enjoy my life again.

Hi akaylasmum, sorry I couldn't get back to you yesterday but have a dessktop PC so can't always get to it. .
You've done incredibly well to go away , and of course you're intensely anxious - it takes weeks for your mind & body to come down from this state . You have first appointment next week I think you said ? They'll give you material to read & work on. In the meantime , you won't feel any better till you try to focus - seems impossible with mind whirring away 24/7 , but that's the reason you need to do it .

You'll find good books in the library on anxiety with exercises to practice to help you begin to recover the site FDH suggested will be of massive help . You'll begin to enjoy time spent doing this - but if you're at all like me you'll be avoiding starting it in the first place as the idea of not "suceeding" in managing the anxiety is so terrifying .

If you practice the techniques to help your mind slow down , you'll be able to appreciate , for example , how well you've done to make outings this week which trigger your anxiety .
Have no knowledge except practical of IBS , but still think the pattern you described in your last post sounds like a flareup of IBS over the weeks , set off by your anxiety . Other triggers like spicy food then trigger it further , if they're ones your gut reacts to - perhaps yo're reacting to a new food as part of your IBS if your IBS is especially bad this time. .

The low calorie diet you've accidentally ended up on would make me 10 times worse during a bout of anxiety - just not enough to make me feel "steady" or enough nutrients like B vits that your body needs more of when under stress .
Agree that though it may seem a good idea to give a stressed bowel a break , but am not at all sure that's the same as an infection where the bowel lining is inflamed & truly needs a rest , so recommend you read a couple of the newest books on IBS frrom library or you're working in the dark as I am ! < off to look up IBS as have fforgotten the basics >

Hope you have a good change while you're away , even though you'll probably feel very tense a lot of the time - best of luck.