snowmash's cybergarden

[ThisIsANiceCage]

We filled up your thread, snowmash! So here's another one.

Neither weather nor circumstance seems to be cooperating at the moment, so I thought we could do with a virtual garden to sit out in.

shodatin has started work already:
"we don't lose anything to the frost here, and nobody thieves our daffs and precious bay trees. Most days will be sunny I think, but sometimes we have rain at night, particularly when we've done some planting..."

And I think it needs a summer house with a chiminea or the like to sit round after dark and toast our tootsies.

Tasted them, made me feel very bad after taking - need poisoning because I'm evil

Tasted them, made me feel very bad after taking - need poisoning because I'm evil

Oh they taste vile, don't they? I used to gag sometimes if I didn't get mine down first time.

I'm sorry you had side effects as well. You could ask whether these are normal for those particular drugs, and if they tend to be temporary to the settling in period.

I had yucky effects when tapering, and long-term low-level effects - but for me the benefits were always worth it (after the settling in period, of course).

And petal you're not evil. Even the staff have told you you're not evil. So that's not a reason for anyone to poison you.

Sorry, what I'm trying to say is, just cos the drugs taste horrid and have unpleasant short term effects (especially at the start), doesn't mean they're poisoning you.

But completely understand why they're difficult to take each time, with such unpleasant effects.

Night night all, hope everyone gets a good rest.

snowmash you are not evil. Why do you think you are evil?

Morning all . Hope everyone had enough rest.
Thank you for answering our question, snowmash - have a better idea now of your difficulties . Sorry not to have tried to say something about your replies but I was fast asleep on sofa..
Very sad to see you 're still having this sense that you're evil - please keep on trying to believe people here who are quite certain it's not true.

As to side effects, if you feel very bad physically after taking them in the short term , for the first couple of weeks , that doesn't mean they're poisonous or going to cause any harm .
Have you actually been given any written material about this drug ? It' very sensible to be concerned about side effects of antipsychotics but the crucial thing in the doctors' eyes is that your psychotic sense that you're evil is still with you & is a danger to you , a bigger danger than than the chance of any longer lasting side effect.

I understand if you want to reject any chance of such an effect but how long do you feel it's reasonable for you to have to feel this way , without the staff trying to treat the dangerous psychotic thoughts? It's been a long time you've had to face feeling this way , & stuck in hospital , so to others, side effects seem a risk very much worth worth taking. In the eyes the staff , many of their clients are scared of the medication but they feel that many benefit.

Really sorry if conversation has moved on .
Hope evryone has good things in their day

PS Sorry to have repeated so much of what others have said -usually it's intentional as I think it may help you to see where several people make the same suggestion - but I was clodhopping about knowing where to cheer on others' posts , such as TIANC's experiences on taking medication & judgement on their worth to her.
I sound clumsy & patronising enough as it is , but by missing out the mentions Iit did sound as if I'd paid them no attention . Sorry.

Hope all have a lovely quiet afternoon.
shodatin , des your Meeting have a custom of the Children's Meeting , if you have one at present , making posies of wild flowers for Mother's Day & bouncing up to wholeheartedly give them to every person , parent or not ? I find that a really joyous thing on a day where a lot of people feel a bit low, to enlarge on the idea of what the day means to different people.

Morning All, and hello to hob with query re Meeting: Have not been able to join in with regular Meetings for many years, despite being made welcome to get up and move around, so I don't know, but it sounds like a good idea.
When I moved to this area about 6 years ago, I was delighted to find a Midweek Meeting of only half-an-hour, which I used to be able to manage, despite the car travelling, but alas it's too difficult now and my main contact apart from Ffriends is just via newsletters and the odd occasional visit.

Sorry to other people for long post, hope everyone has a good day, and particularly snowmash.

Sorry, been asleep most of the day.

I hope those who had had good mothering sundays.

Can't shake off the feeling I'm dead meat tomorrow.

I'm the one who should apologise to all for causing you to write me a long reply. shodatin - thank you so much - sorry once more to others for my long reply -
I'm sorry I didn't realise how hard it has long been for you to have as much contact as you'd like , & for asking intrusive q s. No wonder you have friends to visit - they must miss you . Do you have time to look at the site of Yearly Meeting , as this might help you feel as close as you can - apologies if you suffer discomfort from periods of reading a screen.
There are also 2 newish forums/a you might enjoy , one of which was trying to arrange a realtime online Meeting for those who can't attend.
I haven't been managing to get to Meeting much at all lately , & am about to restart.
Hope you're allowing yourself some little pleasures today after your long round of chores yesterday.

As shodatin hates to feel she's nagging snowmash about food , I'll ask whether snow has managed a bit of lunch today ? or is it the last thing on your mind today - how are you feeling pet ?

Oh no snowmash , you sound so low . Hope it's not as negative as that - no chance yet of talking about it to anyone? Maybe you'll have an opportunity later.

Am sure sensible people will be around later with comforting and constructive words but in the meantime , to help yourself cope with the severe stress , can you try to consolidate the suggestions of the last 2 / 3 days to see if they offer rays of hope ?
You aren't going to stay locked in the cycle of fear and struggle for ages longer snowmash , it's time for your treatment to change... it's been so long you've been living with fear & uncertainty and that's surely holding up your mind's recovery processes .

I don't see how my treatment can change...

Hob - Thank you so much, that's marvellous news. I didn't know there was a Yearly Meeting site or anything else apart from information for the public, but it was only last year I decided to get a laptop, after all (loony Luddite emoticon required)
I almost envy you being able to restart going to Meetings, and so glad you mentioned this.

Snowmash, you don't know how things can change because none of us know what's around the corner, and it could be something better or just a different view of things or just something someone says which suddenly makes sense of the situation (glad am not speaking all these esses)

Sorry, not much useful to add.

I'm going to be blunt snowmash because I care

Your treatment can change in one of two ways:

You accept that right now you are not the best judge of what you need and accept the medication you've been prescribed, you take it, you lose your psychosis and get compos mentis again

or

you continue to refuse treatment, you are placed under a long term treatment section, you are treated with medication, you lose your psychosis and get compos mentis again

Can you see what I'm trying to say? Please try to co-operate xx

Madmouse, thanks.

I am trying to cooperate - spend hours before each time convincing myself I have to take them whatever, then get in the med room, see the drugs and react with massive fear. It's as bad as a flashback (although it's not).

So not sure how I can push myself further

Oh petal!

Can you tell the docs exactly what you've just told us?

Them understanding the dynamics might help them work better with you, rather than bulldozing you.

Understand completely about simply not having the strength to push any further.

snowmash the fear that stops you taking meds is the psychosis - it's a vicious circle that somehow needs to be broken!

I am not surprised the fear feels like flashbacks - have had plenty of those and while they are going on you do in a way lose track of reality too.

Almost like flashbacks sounds horrendous . So sorry for being unclear when I said your treatment nreeds to change - unfortunately I mean that the current approach isn't giving you the extra push of help - like TIANC said a couple of days ago , meds gave her "traction " to climb out of the hole ( apolgies for misquoting).
Do you have any sessions of talking therapies atm , or do docs think it won't be useful until antipsychotics have started to work ?

So excited shodatin that that you're going to discover & enjoy these sites - please just search for Quaker UK ( when you have the time )and you should find Yearly Meeting , and other sites besides ( so sorry but in crazed rush so can't link ). Hope I haven't made you miss Meeting more than before but you know the Divine isn't going to confine itself to locations but bounces about cheerily to reach wherever people try to carry it / loving kindness . (Sorry)

Hope everyone has a peaceful evening . Sending good thoughts snowmash , the feelings of pressure must be awful . We really hope we can help.

Thanks again hob, will look forward to that tomorrow.
Snowmash, in case you're having the usual fear of meds about now, this was at the end of our March Newsletter:
"Heed not distressing thoughts when they rise ever so strongly in thee; fear them not, but be still awhile, not believing in the power which thou feelest they have over thee, and it will fall on a sudden" (Isaac Pennington)

Thank you for all the thoughts and advice v

Will read properly tomorrow.

Good night all