Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

ds does that too - it's very cute. Well, let dp in on some of your darker moments, but remember he chose to have sex with you and he knew he was taking a risk, no matter what you said or did. OK? And he has a son who he loves, and who will bring so much joy to both of you. The first year is tough on everyone, and it puts a strain of all relationships. DH and I had beeen through losing dd1, and were so strong, but my god we fought like never before when dd was tiny. It's like being chucked into a whirlwind. But it gets easier, and feels more normal. If you'd started a new job that you'd never done before you'd still be really finding your feet a month in, so add in 24 hours to that, plus all the emotional stuff - give yourself a break! It's tough, but if you hang on, day by day, it will get better.

Are you still seeing your counsellor?

ds on profile now - will take it down in a bit.

Another one here who had a very mixed up childhood. I, like you put so much pressure on myself to be a perfect mother and have a perfect family because of it.

But, no one can be perfect, I had years of negative thinking and self hatred, and worring so much about how I was affecting my 2 DC. I can honestly say that I learnt to smile when I didnt feel like it, just like BeerTricks says. Inside I would feel guilt and inadequacy, but everyone thought I was OK.

I wish more than anything that mumsnet had been around because then I would have known pretty darn quick that I wasnt the only one feeling like that. Everyone on here has said you are doing a fantastic job-believe them LelaRose, because you truly are.

I think if you have a peek around mumsnet you will quickly see that there are as many ways of parenting as there are parents and your approach is already far more positive than a good many out there. he's not looking serious, he's just looking like a baby. Habbibu is as wise as ever. Poem made me weepy

your dp is gorgeous habbibu thanks for sharing the pic. if i wasnt so paranoid i'd show you one of mine x

Lela - have been following your thread - you truly are a strong, fantastic person and I wish you all the best wishes in the world.

Just wanted to share my experience with you of fessing up to dp of something that was totally crucifying me and making me feel so awful.

I had been through a rough time and was having truly awful thoughts that I was so ashamed of - I was dying inside of shame and guilt but was too scared to share it with dh as, like you, I thought I'd lose his love and respect - I thought he'd completely disown me and think I was some madwoman. Anyhow, it got too much for me, I told him and he was so supportive and understanding. It was such a turning point for me. Having relieved myself of my burden, I have been able to 99% put it behind me and move on - more importantly, I've been able to forgive myself as I know I was ill at the time. If your dp loves you as much as I suspect he does, he'll support you through it as love really does conquer all. Take care xx

Am getting by, thanks for asking. Just have terrible headaches everyday and having one right now (dr says hormonal).

Thanks for all your posts. arcadia I cant believe you suck your thumb too- we're coming out the closet now eh! mamabell thanks for sharing that, it makes me feel more positve about unburdening myself to dp but I'm still too scared for now.

I have been making lists of all my positives and hope you dont mind if I share some with you, I hope I dont sound lke I'm trying to be smug.

My boy is sleeping through the night. Even if this doesnt last its like a miracle and its keeping me sane.

I have recovered physically very quickly from the birth- everyone says they cant believe how much I've been out and about so soon after the caesarian.

I am back in the clothes I wore pre pregnancy and apart from a wee bit of a saggier belly and a chubbier face I am looking ok- and have not one single stretch mark (am very vain/ self conscious about my appearance so this means a lot to me)

Am managing to get up and dressed and put my face on every day (see above)

Am coping, one day at a time without dp here.

When I took him into town the other day, a series of total strangers approached me to say what a "beautiful" and "perfect" baby I have. Maybe this happens all the time with newborns but I was so full of pride.

I am not in hospital. nothing wrong with having to go into hospital, just I fully expected to be by now and every day I manange tp cope at home alone is an achievement for me.

I have amazing support from people on this thread who have helped me immensely and I appreciate this more than I can express.

I hope this doesnt sound too self indulgent, just trying to share the positive. Every day is a battle against anxiety and depression for me and to hold it together for my son.

Thanks beertricks. Went to view some professional photos we had done of ds today they were stunning and brought tears to my eyes. He is a beautiful child, I still find it hard to believe hes mine, literally, because I never really believed I'd be able to have children and also because of how he was born. I just wish I could get rid of these fears that dp will leave me and i can't cope with bringing up a boy.

Am getting better in little ways- can just about stand to see little girls without it making me ill. I actively seek out examples of boys who are endearing- current favourite is the little lad at the end of the John Lewis xmas advert with the glasses who hangs out the stocking for the dog- thats the kind of boy i'm hoping to raise, a kind wee soul in old fasioned pyjamas (love the dog too).

I dont want to sound pathetic but please, just for now, help me to stay ok one day at a time, i feel like i could just fall apart at any moment sometimes.

Wow Lela I am so in awe of you!! You are doing so well - it's fantastic. I know the fear is still there in the background, but you are coping well and tbh for any new mum there is fear in the background because it is a scary time.

Your son sounds lovely and very cute with the sucking reflex. Mine was a sucker too - he used a dummy until he found his thumb, and have to say I find his soggy well sucked thumbs possibly the most endearing things ever about him, and the look of complete satisfaction when he does so.

You are getting better, small steps and all that. You will love you son because you already do.

Your list is wonderful lela - I love that stragers are stopping you in the street to tell you how lovely he is

Keep buggering on, as they say

I'm such an idiot. I'm feeling really panickey triggered by something as trivial as hsving to make decisions about these photos which turn out to be extortionately expensive but of course you want to buy them. I'm not good at even the smallest of decisions when stressed and now its spiralled into anxiety about everything. I feel really alone. made the mistake of watchng supernanny earlier with horrible little boys on it and now i'm all panickey.

feel completely trapped. made this prison entirely myself and that thought is killing me.

Lelarose if the little boys in the Supernanny programs were like all or even most little boys they would not be on the program - they are the exceptions. And as you see from the program quite often it's the parents that need to make some behavioural changes and all turns out quite well!

i know that it was just a trigger. feel so so bad that i still wish i'd had a girl, feel like a monster. desperately miss my dp and cant put the baby down without him screaming today. only way to keep him quiet is to put him on my breast even tho hes not really feeding just using me as human dummy. i know its really selfish but i just feel so lonely and claustrophobic

You don't need to feel so bad - it is not a crime to desperately want a girl. it just is what it is, a feeling that you cannot (yet) change. Be patient with yourself. Don't let a bad day tempt you into forgetting the huge progress you have made and are making.

You are loving and caring for your little boy and that is what matters.

And you don't have to have mental health problems to go spare, crazy and totally claustrophobic at being in the house with a baby who will either cry or be stuck to your breast all day, especially in drab and cold weather too. So no, I'm sorry, but you are not permitted to beat yourself up over that one either

im so lucky with him tho some people have this screaming all the time and cant console them. some are single parents and they cope. I could cry for a week right now.

i need to learn more tolerance to be able to cope with bringing up a child.

Thanks beertricks, am bit less anxious today but still have yet another cracking headache.

I feel guilty because inside I wish he was a girl- exactly the same baby just female. Just so I could really look forward to the future and not constantly worry if I should even have had a child - this makes me feel like utter shit.

My fear and guilt are really affecting my relationship with dp- I feel so worthless next to him and worry constantly if he is unhappy. I want to stop this as its making me kind of pathetic and needy and thats not who I am, who he wanted to have a relationship with.

Also worry constantly that taking medication in pregnancy has damaged my baby and its just not been picked up on yet.

God I'm driving myself nuts. I always wanted a family, and now I have one I'm still not happy.

It sounds like you're doing brilliantly. I would have really struggled if my DH had been away a lot when DS was new born. You'll be one of the ones I'd be intimidated by at baby group cause you've managed to get make up on, when I have not far off rushed out the door with a hoodie over my pyjamas.

Those families wouldn't be on Supernanny if they were normal. You are clearly a thoughtful parent, I'm sure if there are signs that you need to make changes along the way, you'll pick up on it, you can always seek advice on Mumsnet!

Oh, this is pumpkinmouse/poppymouse with a name change by the way.

Oh, and another thing, Mumsnet has been made inaccessible at work! Probably good news, to be honest but you might hear from me less, I used to check in while I had my lunch. I may have to defect to netmums to get my fix. I still come here at home though.

Hi lela - hope today is a good day. Thinking of you. How are the headaches? Do regular painkillers do the trick for you? Ibuprofen & paracetomol are OK with the breastfeeding. Hope they are starting to go away.

Hi there, I havent had a migraine since sunday, thanks for asking. I just take paracetemol when they start.

I'm still struggling with horrible anxious thoughts about having a boy and feeling quite lonely without dp here- he is going to be away longer than expected. when he calls from work he sounds really miserable but wont tell me why and it makes me paranoid that he feels trapped by the baby and wants to leave us. But I'm getting to the point now where I just cant do this anymore- the baby is here now and I cant change him into a girl and I cant make dp stay if he doesnt want to so I just have to get on with giving this wee boy the best life I can, one day at a time.

Depression is such a debilitating thing to suffer from. Its only from reading the other threads on here that I realise I'm not alone, as everyone in rl puts on a front and you cant really admit to it.

How is everyone else doing?

I agree with BTP - my DP was miserable when he went back to work. When you think about it, its pretty unfair that they only get a couple of weeks off & it's double hard for you & your DP lela since he isn't back in the evenings. I'm not surprised you feel lonely - it must be really hard. Keep chattering to us on here - I'm usually around most evenings, browsing & lurking. Tell us about your day & about changes in the baby - anything at all, however trivial it seems. Have you a camera or video camera? I used to try to take pictures & bits of film of the baby for DP to look at when he came home, as I always felt like he was missing out. I didn't always manage it though! It was easiest once I got a new mobile phone with a camera on it. I'd drop him the odd email too, just with snippets of our day. Will your DP get a decent amount of time off at Christmas do you think? I hope so.

All fine here too apart from work is mental & I'm now going to kick some ass