Lela, no-one, no-one thinks you're a bad person. We've been with you right through all this, heard these dark thoughts and no-one has felt that you should be judged. Now, we've got no vested interest in you - we could disappear off and no-one would be any the wiser. But people are here because there's something so evidently good and worthwhile and strong in you.
I'm not posting on and sticking on this thread out of some sense of duty or pity - I'm not at all that altruistic and am v lazy. But I like this thread, although I know it's painful for you - you are very likeable, interesting, strong, brave and inspirational. I have no reason at all to say that other than the fact I happen to believe it.
You are making sense, lots of it. Being loved and being in a family is so important, and being deprived of that as a child must make you crave it desperately. And I also see that as you're a woman, your desire to "re-create" a family for a girl must be/have been incredibly strong. It makes a lot of very painful sense.
And dp can not have been too concerned about having a baby - it was within his power to prevent it as well, you know. For all it is tremendously hard right now, as you get to know and love your son even more you'll realise that no matter what you don't want things to be otherwise, you don't want him not to be there because he is a fundamental part of your life.
And I genuinely believe that this boy will help you redraw your image of a loving family in more wonderful ways than you can imagine right now - when he really starts to interact with you, when he smiles, when he holds his arms up when he sees you, when he squirms to get out of someone's arms into yours - all this is transformative and amazing on a daily basis.
I think you do have a natural and strong maternal instinct, which at times overrides your own self-preservation instincts; you're breastfeeding when many would consider that too hard and stressful, you're concerned over things like using a dummy, like stressing your baby - all your posts speak of a fundamental love and concern for your son, even when you're awash with sadness and stress.
You aren't going to get through all this straight away. You don't have to. At this age your son needs a clean bottom, food, cuddles and sleep. That's it. And he's getting that. So all he knows is that he's safe, he's with his mother and he knows you, he knows your smell and your taste and that's all he wants. The pieces of the picture you're all going to draw together will come together, bit by bit, and you'll grow in confidence as a mother, you'll start to forgive yourself.
I've just remembered a poem you might like - it;s not entirely relevant, but some lines may strike a chord, and be a good mantra for darker days:
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.