Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

Can definitely relate to feeling tearful and traumatised by the whole birth thing for quite some time afterwards.

Had an emergency type CS but not under a general and just thinking about the birth made me tearful for some months afterwards. I remember at the time of the CS feeling terrified and sort of relieved somehow. In the months aferwards I almost felt a type of grief. I can't really put my finger on the feelings to be honest but it was awful to feel so emotional and unhappy about it and not quite be able to pin my feelings down and rationalise them...

I think what I'm trying (rubbishly) to say is that feeling so many emotions after what you've been and are going through is totally normal.

Hi Lela. Just checking in. Hope you're not being drenched like we are today

Hey habbibu, thanks for your post.

Lela, how you feeling today. I was trying to recall what got me through those early weeks, and it was having something to "do" in the day that got me out the house. As you now know getting yourself and baby ready can be a slog, so that combined with getting out for a pint of milk, some eggs, a postcard to write to someone.
Just a thought x

Hi Lela, I'm staying with my parents this week so haven't been on much.

I am impressed:

You are coping better than your CPN thought you would.

You are breastfeeding.

You are getting out the house most days, hot on the heels of a CS.

You have every right to be utterly exhausted, and being utterly exhausted is miserable for the best of us.

I do hope in time you meet some local mums. Maybe like the ones I met, you see them in the baby group and they have make up on and shiny boots and you notice you have a little bit of baby poo on your hoodie and you think everyone else is finding this really easy, I'm shit at this. Then 6 months later one of the ones you're still friends says how badly she felt back then - she'd been trying for 6 years for a baby and within a month of it coming she just wanted the bloody thing to shut up for a minute. You'll realise everyone else was struggling too. Because it is hard, it can be lonely - there are plenty of friends here, wish I'd been on Mumsnet then!

Try not to beat yourself up about the birth and being under GA, you haven't gone into detail but I'm guessing you were running out of options, it had to be done. It sounds like you have more than made up for it making your son feel loved and secure in his first few weeks. Breastfeeding every two hours through the night is mega, he may not appreciate it but nourishing him like this will be great for him.

hey lela, just saying hello xx

Hi there, thanks for all the posts and for understanding how i feel about the birth.

A few things I'd like to share:

I have decided to stop whingeing about the birth- its just another negative to add to this whole experience when I should just be grateful my child is healthy (I imagined all kinds being wrong with him while I was pregnant) and that I am able to love him (enough for now) despite everything I went through during my horrendous pregnancy.

Dp has gone back to work for 2 weeks and so far, 2 nights in, I am coping without him. In fact, my baby slept for 6 hours straight the other night- couldn't believe it! We have been getting out and about and I'm really proud of how I'm coping so far. He is feeding every 3 or 4 hours on demand and its becoming more manageable (am touching wood all over the place here).

I wish I could show you all a picture of him, I feel like i want to share that with you and I'm really proud of him.

I feel a lot of negative stuff too but want to focus on the better things today and let you all know that I'm dong my best for him.

Can I just ask one neurotic question though- is it normal for babies to look quite serious at this age? He doesn't smile much yet and I hope that doesnt mean anything- psychologist has told me not to worry but i just wondered what your babies were like in the first few weeks.
Thank you all for still being interested in us and for allowing me to share my feelings like this when there is no way for me to do so in real life.

Hope you are all well and having a good weekend xxx

You are doing so well lela! Babies don't smile until 7 or 8 weeks old, and even then it's not really social smiling at first.

Don't worry about that at all. The social smiling will definitely come. It's lovely when yuo start getting that reaction out of them.

Well done that you are coping now DP is back at work. You are doing brilliantly. Has your sister been round? (sorry if you've said before I haven't read back the last few days).

You are totally right to focus on the positive things. One of the key lessons I learnt from CBT is that you can choose to change your negative thoughts to positive ones. It is a huge effort of the will, but it can be done, and the results speak for themselves in terms of your mood.

Keep telling yourself over and over again:

• he is healthy
• you love him
• you are coping

Lela what an inspiring post :)

I think babies do look very serious when they are very young - almost as if they are concentrating really hard on trying to work out what this strange world they have entered is all about. All my DSs were about 6-7 weeks when they did their first smile (which is apparently just them copying you and others - the inanely grinning parents / friends etc!). Once you get that smile and, even better, the first giggle, it is sooo wonderful. I love it. I wish I could bottle that sound and keep it for ever.

Hi Lela,

My husband and I often laugh about serious DS was in his first few weeks. It's only when they start smiling at five, six weeks or later (and when the smiles are more frequent) that I think they become less serious. DS always looked like he was studying things! Or put him in a car seat or bouncer and it was as if he was saying 'mummy, I can't believe you'd put me here, it is simply not good enough'.

You could always put a little pic on your profile for a day or two and then take it off again. But I totally understand not wanting to do so on a forum as well!

Lela, you really do inspire me. Am having an emotionally rubbish week myself but reading your last post makes me smile and reminds me not to focus on the negatives but the good stuff so thank you!

Really well done with the breast feeding and being alone at night, and for finding the time and energy to keep us updated!

Don't post often but do check in to hear how you are doing. x

Lela you are doing so well!

My DS didn't really smile until he was about 12 weeks I think - he had a very serious face (still has!). We used to joke that he had a 'pitying' face as he looked so concerned about everything!

Well done on staying so positive, I found starting a blog and challenging myself to write one positive/happy/funny-ish thing, even a sentence, every day or so helped me move towards feeling better about things when DS was tiny.

Sending positive vibes your way...

thanks- good to know hes ok despite looking so serious.

ok so as soon as i try to be positive we have an incredibly difficult day...he has not slept ALL day. He just cries and cries until i let him feed, then seems to fall asleep, so i put him down and within 5 mins he screams again. hes feeding from me now yet again for about the 20th time today as i type this one handed.

have tried takin g him out in the pram which usually sends him straight to sleep but it didnt work and i got a migraine. hes never been this bad before, any routine has disappeared and i really dont know what to do- any suggestions?

Hello again. You are doing so well. Sometimes babies have 'off' days (my DS had about two years of them!) and my only advice would be, just get through it, keep on, have a cup of tea, tell yourself it will get better, even if that's impossible to believe today. My DS had colic for months and his crying made me feel like walking out on the whole motherhood thing. I still can't believe my marriage survived it. And yet DS was the happiest little thing the rest of the time and he's great now - it's hard to think I used to look at people and say to myself, "Well, they don't scream all day, I'm sure he'll have stopped by the time he's 19. Or maybe 11. When will that time come?" I didn't believe it could happen but it did. It's just hard when you 'live' 24 hours in each day without the night off. You are doing so amazingly well - really. So pleased you can breast feed too - I couldn't manage it and gave myself a really hardtime about it. You're doing so well for the little chap. And your DS has managed 6 hours sleep in one go! He's a bit of a star, just having a bad day. Fwiw my DD hardly ever smiled, apart from at me and then not very often. DS smiled all the time from about 8 weeks (apart from the wall to wall night-time screaming). It does get better, it really does. Hats off to you for doing so well so far.

How old is he now, lela? they have lots of little growth spurts, which can translate to 24-48 hours of non-stop feeding. This is designed not to send you insane, as you might think, but to boost your milk supply, so get food you can eat while feeding, the remote control and a comfy cushion and just feed him whenever he asks - let him doze on you if necessary. it should settle down in a day or so, and then you can get back into the pattern you've developed.

And you've discovered rule 17 - the second you start talking positively the baby turns into a temporary demon. It's the Law...

I've just checked back to see when ds first smiled, as by sheer chance I caught it on camera, and he was about 8 weeks old. Up until then he looked positively disdainful of all of us, like he'd expected much more of all this being on teh outside malarkey.

he's nearly 3 weeks old. i see what you are saying but surely he has to sleep at some point??? I know I bloody do..

3 weeks is classic growth spurt time - just let hom feed. he will catch up on sleep once he has accomplished his job of making your boobs make more milk. It's all normal, try not to worry x

Oh, yy 3 weeks is a good 'un. It's a bugger, I know. Can you feed lying down and doze next to him?

Lela ...sounds so good. Awesome news!

Not so awesome about the crying and lack of sleep - exhausting! But yup...growth spurt probably. Back to normal soon. Routines are pretty fluid at this stage - I find them very, very helpful for them but mostly me. But at this age especially things will just get back to normal after this blip!

Would love to see a pic of him - bet he's a little angel!

Oh...and my DS1 didn't smile til 10 weeks and looked sooo miserable/stern/serious. I was really upset/worried. He then became the smiliest* baby ever!!!

How was your night lela? Hope you got a bit more sleep and are feeling ok.

well, as his lordship had been feeding off me all day long and was still hungry and refusing to settle I ended up giving him a bottle late last night and he slept for about 8 hours!!!

Sadly I didnt as I was awake from about 5 checking he was still breathing.

I have had hellish headcaches and migraines every day but other than that am coping I guess.

I feel I should be interacting with him more when he is awake but i'm not sure how as he just seems to want feeding really and tends to look past me when i'm talking to or singing to him, cries most of the time when awake between feeds.

Maybe thats all I'm supposed to do at this stage- just attend to his basic physical needs? I worry we're not forming enough of a realtionship but maybe thats all there really is to a relationship with a 3 week old?

Hi Lela

I have been following your thread from the start and wanted to say how brilliantly you are doing.

Yes, at this stage you really do just need to attend to those basic physical needs. Totally normal to not have a particularly deep relationship at this point.

Don't worry about the interacting thing. I had the exact same worry with my first born. I was convinced that I should constantly be talking / singing / smiling etc with him when he was titchy. It was exhausting! Eventually realised that it is very hard and to a large extent futile to interact extensively with a baby who is so small that he cannot even smile! My DS really didn't need to know what colours there were on his playmat at 7 weeks old!!!!!

It is enough for your baby just to be with you, feed and be held. The interaction thing makes so much more sense when your baby becomes capable of interacting with you.

Also, my DC3 just wanted to be held and feed constantly until about the 12 week point. It feels at the time that it goes on forever, but this phase does end! Just go with the holding and feeding, it reduces the crying, helps the bond etc.

I mixed formula and bm too, all fine.

Re headaches - make sure you are drinking A LOT of water, breastfeeding is very dehydrating. Minimise coffee / coke etc and try and get outside. It does pass.

thanks so much thats really reassured me x

I am so jealous that you had such a stretch of sleep! My DS was a horrible sleeper, and still is...gawd, you could live in my eye bags. Anyway, you are doing great.

Is is so true that they are just "being" for these early weeks, still seeing things in black and white, then colour, not able to focus on much. Have you noticed your DS sort of looking at you, then not, sort of scanning you. That is him reading you, trying to remember your face!

Holding him, chatting to him, mundane stuff, is all good.

I think you are doing really really well.

How is your scar feeling?

If you have a migraine coming on- try and drink a can of coke.

I know sleep is what you crave, me too!