Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

All depends on getting on course too - v competitive!

You will be great, they will snatch you right up!

Lela, do feel free to pick and choose advice but the other things I've remembered are:

(a) swaddling can really help to calm a little baby down when they are besides themselves. I found a video ; and

(b) shushing rhythmically and quite loudly in their ear also helps, it is supposed to mimic sounds from the womb.

We're not nitpicking, I promise although I know it might seem like that when you are bombarded by advice. Still think you're doing a great job.

After the C/section sometimes they suddenly do get a bit more awake from being initially quite sleepy. BF is also just really getting established, and babies go through growth spurts very frequently at around this time - so he may appear to want to feed all the time, or certainly more than every 3-4h. That is the 'classic' advice given, but quite outdated thinking these days for a BF baby.

A FF baby might be able to last 3h but equally might still only be able to go 2h.

TBH I think I just plonked a boob in either of my two's mouths whenever they cried as newborns - its pretty impossible at that stage to know why they're crying so I used to generally assume it was probably hunger. And at this early stage you won't get into 'bad habits' so feeding on demand isn't going to end up with you as a perma-attached milking machine.

For both of mine I topped up with formula after BF. Not necessarily something that's going to help BF go swimmingly, but helps you know they shouldn't be hungry and takes the pressure off a bit. DS1 I went back to exclusively BF after a few weeks without much fuss.

Maybe try some Infacol? Mine had their weight in Infacol. For windiness/colic.

The itty bitty newborn stage of WTF have I done, WTF am I doing, why is he crying mixed in with the overwhelming, all pervading lack of sleep does get better - it is a short phase - altho' it never feels like it at the time.

But you've been through such a lot in the past few months and I think its understandable that all those feelings haven't just disappeared. The difference between then and now is that there are a whole load of options open to you - so keep hanging on in there.

How about talking to your DP about what's been going on - I know he's stressed and sleep deprived, but I wonder if knowing where you're coming from and an inkling of why you feel the way you do might help him to help and support you?

Good Luck with the psych appt on Friday.

Thanks, thatsnot!

Wish I'd discovered swaddling earlier, I totally recommend it, I also recommend having a light doze while he guzzles (i'm sure you 'll arrange yourselves carefully) and just plonking yourself in front of the telly with him on the boob and letting him get on with it/doze off for a while/have a cuddle. The cat used to join us for these sessions while my DH was working late, I felt like I had a pile of dozing little family on my lap. Later on you want to avoid feeding to sleep but right now it's whatever gets you through. When I've got more time to post I'll remind you of my putting to sea in a storm analogy, which I might have told you before. I had loads of anxiety a few days after I had DS. My DH encouraged me to get out the house and we had a walk in the park at dusk in December, feeling like the only people in the world and I was so glad he had got me out the house.

It sounds like the road is still looking quite rocky, we secretly thought it might be and we're still here. Keep trying to let people in in real life. One day you will see what we see, that you have been brave hearted all along, you just expected too much of yourself.

Just checking in today, hope you are getting come sleep and getting into a little routine with your DS. Baby steps.

How is his weight Lela? How often is he feeding now? He should be feeding between 10 - 12 times in 24 hours so leaving it to every 4 hours is oly 6 times so could be more.
Swaddling also works a treat, as others have said.

Hi lelarose well done breastfeeding and well done acknowledging that you are struggling. We are all proud of you, you have no reason to be ashamed.

Re breastfeeding at the moment it is not good for such a little one to go so long between feeds. His stomach is the size of his fist and if there is breastmilk in it it goes from full to empty in 2.5 hours. Plus at the moment frequent feeding helps establish your supply.

I have a hunch that breastfeeding is important for you and I think it is, certainly will help you bond. But, and I'm saying this as an avid long term breastfeeder, if it is too much and you need dp to share the feeding, your ds will just be one of the many many children who grow up very happily on formula. And you will not have failed

Hiya Lela - completely understandable that you are not posting at the mo, I thought it would be a good fortnight after the birth before we heard from you at all, so good on you for all the posts you have done. I agree with what others have said about feedtimes and using a sling. One other very tentative suggestion would be to consider using a dummy. There is a theory that some babies have a strong sucking reflex and want to use it even when they are not hungry. My DS sounds a bit like yours and after 2 weeks of the screaming I tried a dummy because I felt I was becoming a human dummy. I used to sneak it out once he was asleep because I had this idea that he might get too dependent on it. Later I used to take it out just before he dropped off to sleep. By 6 months I had chucked all the dummies out. The downside is that they are a bit of a pain because of sterilising etc, but I really couldn't have managed without them. Good luck with the psychologist appointment on Friday, I hope he/she can help you work out some strategies to get you through this really tough period. The first 6 weeks really are the worst, the sleep deprivation and constant feeding are just so draining. I can remember hating my husband, hating the baby and hating my life. But it passes, I promise.

hi lela - just checking in to say hello.

Hey lela, just pooi g in to see how you are. Hope your appointment goes ok tomorrow x

Hi Lela, just wanted to say hi and that I was thinking of you, especially because you have the psychologist coming which I guess will stir up some powerful feelings. I read through your post from Monday again and wondered how strong the suicidal thoughts are at the moment? All I want to say is that I have been in that dark hole myself and you will find the way out too. If the feelings are really strong please be honest with the psychologist and don't act on them. They will pass and you will be able to feel joy when you look at your little boy. I'm typing this while my little boy is putting all his teddies into his new big boy bed and tucking them up and kissing them goodnight. It's wonderful, it really is and you will feel it too. How is the feeding going now? I remember how my DS used to scream during and after feeding, it really is soul destroying. It was really hard not to take it personally, especially when he guzzled the expressed milk happily from a bottle. Still not sure what it was all about, had a theory it was reflux but he wasn't sick so who knows? It was all so intense at the time, but has faded into insignificance now. It will for you too. Hope to hear from you, even if it's just one line saying "still here, it's all still shite"

Thanks for all your tips.

We have been away for a couple of days- baby crying far more and my relationship with dp very strained, which is nearing the final straw for me.

He has basically told me that there was not one day during my pregnancy where I didnt complain (how ironic when I think how much i tried to hide from him) and now that the baby is here we have no choice but to just get on with it whether I am depressed or not. He is adamant we have to get into a routine re feeding but i cant bear the crying.

However, with the best will in the world I cannot feed on demand a child who screams every hour overnight. Last night after the 4th round of this, dp got up and took him out for a 2 hour walk (he was asleep by end of the street) because he sees I need to sleep for my sanity.

Basically I will not cope without dp here.

There is a lot more to my story then I have let on in so many words, regarding how this baby was conceived and all I can say is the burden of guilt and responsibility is killing me. I was desperate and obsessed with my fertility before I conceived, so so scared I'd never be a mother it led me into all kinds of awful situations before I met dp, and I guess i saw him as my last ever chance.

Now I am a mother and I hate it. I dont have words to describe how bad this makes me feel about myself.

I get a window of about half an hour a day where I calm down with my prescription drugs and maybe a half glass of wine and the rest of it is relentless anxiety and self loathing.

Please dont judge me, my life just didnt work out the way I would have liked and I really truly believed I'd make a good mother. I would have done anything to have a child. Dp did want one too, but would have preferred to wait another year, but I thought (and was told by a fertility dr)it would be too late for my biological clock, the pressure on me was enormous.

Now I feel as if I've ruined 3 lives and its this that makes me want to take my own as I cant see any other way out.

Lela, the first few weeks can be hell for any new mum and dad. Babies are so needy and the only way they communicate is crying.

It is horrific what you are going through. Feeding on demand-You have NOT RUINED 3 lives. No no no, you have not. You are in is deep and you will get out.

Do you feel you would be better off with the 24h support a M&B unit offers? If you are
you are going to see your psych today? What will be telling them? If you are really not coping and feel suicidal, maybe this is the right time to go there?

You are going to get through this, and the challenges that a new baby presents will get smaller and you will get more confident and relaxed with what you are doing.

Feeding on Demand- sometimes no matter how much BM you offer they will just cry. Taking the baby out for a walk is the right thing to do. I remember after I had called NHS direct, and after my son had been crying for 6 hours NON STOP, at 3am, my DH took him out for a walk, where he cried all the way round the village. Then he came home, I was a mess crying and angry and stressed, then the baby lay on my chest and fell asleep. No rhyme nor reason to it.

Are you reading a baby book of any sort. I usually would not advocate a "manual" as I think you have to find your own way, but maybe you could do with the support of a suggested routine. I didn't hate The Baby Whisperer by Tracey Hogg.

Keep talking, keep posting. You are cared for here, we are all rooting for you. We will never judge you. You are a good person, doing the best she can.

What scares me is I worry that the screaming is damaging him so it makes me panic- I dont know what is normal.

Hi Lela,

It's quite common for men (though women do this too!) to want to 'solve' the crying problem through some sort of magical feeding routine. The problem is the baby doesn't know the routine. Even formula fed babies don't always settle into a routine quickly - especially in those early weeks, which are hellish for everyone. If you are still breast-feeding then your DP just has to accept that there isn't much of a routine yet. On the other hand, it's also fine for him to be taken out on walks sometimes. I still do this frequently if DS is getting a bit tired/tetchy before a feed is due. I don't think it's hugely fair for your partner to bring up any 'complaints' during pregnancy - even if he doesn't know the strain you were under he must understand pregnancy can take a huge toll on women.

You are under an enormous amount of pressure at the moment but you haven't ruined anyone's life. You've done a wonderful thing by bringing your son into this world and now the path mightn't be easy but you will find it.

Don't worry about the crying either. In generations past it was quite common to just leave baby's to 'exercise their lungs' - even just leaving baby outside in the pram screaming - and the baby's were fine. Of course most people wouldn't recommend just leaving a young baby to cry now, but if you're attending to him and he's crying, then he's just doing what baby's do.

My son is 4 months now and cries less than he used to - but, and it's a big but, he cries so much louder now, and with so much fury! It scares me sometimes but then he'll sleep or feed or whatever and smiles at me like he was never crying at all.

He will be okay.

Now you need to make sure you are okay.

Even if you are sat there with ear plugs in cuddling your DS, he is not coming to any harm. The most important thing is that you or your DP hug/hold him and talk/sing to him to let him know someone is there even if it is not making any diff to the crying.

That being said, if it is all too much and you feel like you are about to lose it. Put your DS in his moses basket or pram, walk out the room, close the door and go into a diff room. Scream into a pillow, turn up your favourite song and dance round the room, punch the sofa, go out into the garden and breath deeply for 5 minutes. Whatever it takes to get some clam back/let off some steam.

It is all a guessing game and it takes a while before you will start to feel like you "know" your baby and his needs.

Lela, you sound like a very decent person who has got into a difficult situation. You are allowed to make mistakes, big ones. You don't have to punish yourself for these by ruining your health and your life. Whatever the story is, I bet you aren't the first woman who has done something desperate to concieve and to provide her baby with a father.

I just typed a long message and accidently deleted it!

I posted on your last thread and didn't realise you had your son already. Congratulations, you are a star!

It is very overwhelming so take all the help that is offered to you. Instinctively you will know what is right but the first few weeks are tough to any new mother.

I have looked after lots of babies but was a bit of a wreck with my own! It has been hard as I also have anxiety but it has also been the most rewarding thing I have done in my life.

I don't think I am in your area but just want you to know I would be willing to help as I am sure there are other out there who would too.

sailorsgal x

Hi Lela - my ds had colic and screamed for 5 hours solid every night - and is now the happiest smiliest child anyone knows. Don't panic about a bit of crying x

The going to sea in a storm story I promised:

Having a baby is like going to sea for the first time. You've fantasised about the cocktails you will sip as you lounge on the deck in the sunshine. You think it's going to be fabulous and you are desperate to get going. As soon as you're out the harbour (which was as far as you could see before you set out) a storm blows up. Only because you've never been to sea before you don't realise this is one of the worst storm, if not the worst storm you will ever have to survive and once you've survived it you can survive anything. Becuase you've never been to sea before, you think this is what it is like all the time and you were a bloody idiot to have wanted to go to sea in the first place, an idiot to have dreamt of cocktails on the deck, this is the biggest mistake you have ever made. So all you can do lash yourself to the helm or whatever it's called and just try to stay there. People will probably tell you you're doing well. You think "how can I be doing well, I'm just lashed to the boat and staying on?, what about the sunbathing and the cocktails, I'm such a fool to have thought I could do this and I'd enjoy it."

Then the day comes that the storm is over. Out of the blue it dies down and the sun shines and you realise that, actually, you might enjoy this, you can do it. You look back and realise that when everyone told you you were doing well, they were right and all you had to do was come through the storm in one piece, and it was the worst storm you will ever experience.

The thing is Lela, pretty much everyone feels like this at some point, for me it wasn't right away it was at about three months, you are not alone and it is okay to feel like this, but it does sound as if things are particularly hard for you, with your emotional well being more fragile to start with and now it sounds like baby is really crying a lot and that is incredibly draining. You must be very apprehensive about DP going away again. Please, please tell your midwife or HV and your mental health support how you are feeling and how you are coping, you need all the help you can get. It won't always be like this. And baby will not damage himself crying, although he may get a little hoarse. When I was low I left mine in a safe place and went upstairs and rang the HV team. I was determined not to suffer in silence. I was on the phone for a while to a HV, baby cried. He was fine though, to everyone who knows him he is the happy boy, and yours will be too.

pumpkinmouse, brilliant post.

Having a newborn is tremendously hard for anyone - let alone someone who's been so depressed and anxious for so long. I think I understand what you're saying about falling pg - but even still - it might've been a bit earlier than he planned, but you haven't ruined his life and its not you being totally responsible for everything - he's a grown man and he's made up his own mind to stay and be with the woman and child he loves.

I know I keep harping on about talking to him and being honest with him about your feelings. But, like his reaction that 'you complained everyday while pg'. Not telling him the full story to protect him isn't really working. He sounds like he's struggling to understand your reaction to pg and the baby - but sounds like you're not letting him in. Give him a chance to understand and support you with all the facts at his fingertips.

The crying....it won't damage your wee man. I know you think it must do - judging by their little puce, sweaty faces! But it doesn't. Does he do better during the day? At this stage I know some of my friends babies had their days/nights mixed up and so were especially 'special' at night. A blessedly short phase.

Have you been to a breastfeeding clinic? They are fabulous at helping establish BF and giving all sorts of useful, encouraging advice (and non-judgemental for BF or FF IME). Is your baby having several wet nappies? Just to check he's getting enough food in him, in case that's the cause of his crying. Or try a sneaky bit of FF after one BF and see if he wants any or is already full.

Sometimes its a process of elimination and sometimes despite eliminating everything they still cry and, yup, you do whatever it takes, like being out in the buggy at 2am! Have you got a swing? They're pretty good for the motion - knocked my DS1 out pretty well. DS1 was a crier....hearing his cries on DVD still makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach...crying is very hard to deal with.

Good Luck with the psych appt today - let him/her know exactly what/how you're feeling. Thinking of you.