Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

Oh & it was very hard to "confess" to DP - I felt like an utter shit, a lousy person, a terrible mother - all those kinds of things. I kept it hidden for a good few days, feeling worse & worse. But when I finally plucked up the courage, he wasn't shocked, or angry with me or fazed by it at all & it was such a huge weight off my shoulders just to say the words out loud.

Hi Lela,

As everyone has said you're not letting anyone down and I don't think anyone imagined a magic solution for you. It was great to hear how you feel about your son, but we're here for the downs as well as the ups. Having a baby is so scary and overwhelming - we get it.

Has your midwife been good since the birth? It may be worth talking to her about your anxiety as now you're not pregnant there might be more they can do. I am thinking about speaking to my doctor about some anxiety soon (since late pregnancy I feel anxious whenever I'm in the car, keep imagining accidents - I'm the passenger). Not to compare my situation to yours, though.

Hope you're having a good evening.

Hi Lela, I wanted to congratulate you on your little boy.

I also wanted to say, please dont be so hard on yourself. You had a very difficult birth and even people who have an "easy" birth, find the shock of it takes time to get to grips with.

I had an emergency cs like you, and the shock of it all took me totally by surprise. You have had major surgery, and you really need to rest, cuddle and feed your lovely baby and not much else. If you can get a little bit of fresh air, that is great too. Go out for a walk, the 3 of you. I used to find it a took about an hour to get ready for a little walk, so if you have someone with you its much easier!

Like others have said, try to have a talk with DP and let him know what he can do to help you. And if you have had enough of visitors, get DP to cancel for a day or two, they will understand.

xxx

Really sorry you are feeing so anxious, but glad you have posted. Have been moving house so not able to look in as regularly as I wanted. HabbiBOOO, madmouse et al have been very wise, and there is little else for me to add except this: looking back on my own PND I realise now that my anxieties about whether I was fit to be a mother were the flip side of the coin to how much I loved my little boy. In time, you will be able to feel pleasure instead of terror. I know it is incredibly hard, but don't put yourself under the pressure to be the perfect mother to try and compensate for the negative feelings you are having.
Hopefully now it is the normal working week you will get some respite from the influx of visitors and that awful question, "are you enjoying it?". I personally think all visitors should be banned unless they bring at least one home-cooked meal for your freezer .
I don't know if you have had a chance to get an apointment with your psych, but there are so many more options with medication now, it would be good if you are able to be reviewed.
Keep posting when you can, I think it is probably cathartic to get your thoughts into black and white.

Hi Lela,

How are you today? I hope you're feeling a bit better, but please post no matter how you're feeling - everyone is here for you, exactly as you are.

Feeling terrible, baby crying all the time and I am out my mind with sleep deprivation- all normal parts of early motherhood but I'm so mentally ill its making me regret ever having him. Only took me a week to get like this,and yes I wish he was a girl because then at least I would have stuff to look forward to bringing him up.

I'm a terrible person, a failure and a mess.

No, you're not. This is normal and it's hard, and even not mentally ill people think "what have I DONE?" when faced with it all. The first few weeks are the hardest, ok, so stop beating yourself up.

Let's see if we can help with some practicalities - is he feeding ok? When does he cry most?

This is going to get better, ok? This is not your template for motherhood - it's the brutally hard start that some women - not just you - go through, and it's rotten and not fair and cruel, but it can and will be overcome. Are the MWs still coming, or have you been signed off to HVs yet? Are you seeing the psych again?

Hang on, lela, it's ok. It's hard, so hard, but it's going to be ok.

I'm going to keep jabbering here - the girl thing wasn't going to disappear overnight either, so I'm not surprised you feel like that. You love him and you've bonded with him, and that will get you a long way, but you are still the same person, with the same pains and fears, so don't worry that you should suddenly feel different, iyswim?

You are a wonderful person, a mother and a star. It's just hard right now. But right now isn't forever, I promise.

At first he slept all day and woke loads in the night and he wouls feed for like 10 minutes then want more an hour or 2 later. So we have been trying to let him go a bit longer between feeds so that he will have a longer feed then sleep longer- aiming for every 4 hours.

But he just screams. Then screams even after he is fed.

I was too ashamed to admit it before but I keep looking at him just wishing he was a girl. I have no support except do who is stressed and exhausted now too and will probably be back at work next week so I will be totally alone.

Psycologist coming out to see me on Friday. I kind of know where this is heading as I'm having suicidal thoughts already, the shame and regret is just too much.

Lela,
Haven't posted before but have followed this thread with interest.

Have you told any professionals how you have been feeling now you have given birth.
Post natal depression is taken far more seriously than ante natal depression.

You may be offered more support, or a place on a mother and baby unit(if there is one).

Keep posting and be kind to yourself x

Sorry, x post.Just seen you are seeing psychologist.

Are you still breastfeeding? Maybe going 4 hourly between feeds is expecting a lot.Have you got a breast feeding counsellor who could help. Maybe he is not latched on properly?

I think you need to go with the flow with feeding - some are just little and often feeders (ds was - dd was a lots and often feeder). If you try to stretch his feed gaps just now you will all get stressed, and he'll be trying to increase your supply atm. Every 4 hours too much of a gap for a bf baby at this stage. He may be a wee bit refluxy - after he's fed, try keeping him upright - do you have a sling? Wrap slings are fab; once he's fed, get dp to wear him in a sling round the house while you get a break - this may help to settle him.

But do try to just feed when he asks - I absolutely understand why you're trying what you are doing - remember feeling v similar with dd! - but with a wee one the path of least resistance is usually best - do what he's asking for at the moment and it will likely be less stressful, even though it feels mad atm.

Can you feed him lying down? Bfing releases a hormone which should help you relax a bit and doze next to him.

Don't be ashamed to admit anything here, ok? This is your safe place, where you can say anything and know you'll be met with kindness. You can love him and wish things were otherwise at the same time, you know?

Do you think psych will suggest M&B unit? How do you feel about that? I know that others on this thread have said it helped them a lot, but can understand it's such a stressful proposition.

I spent the first few weeks with both of mine (you'd think I'd have been prepared for it with number 2!) thinking 'what have I done? No one said it would be like this. My life is over. This is a nightmare. I can't stand the crying, I love my sleep, my life will never be good again.When will I sleep? Who'd have thought such a little thing could drive me so mad? Why do people want to have one of these ever again?' It was hell, and I didn't have PND. People just said it's normal to feel like that and I found that very annoying! At least they could have warned me! (And why with number 2 hadn't I warned myself?) It's because it really does get better. I felt terrible even with my DD, and it had been really important to me to have a girl. I know this doesn't help you on the girl front, but on the surviving the first weeks front, I hope it helps you feel you're not alone. I used to think of all those mums with new babies out there, pacing the floor at three in the morning. The world outside would seem so quiet - how could they not hear this appalling noise I was dealing with? It was hard, really hard. Please don't be afraid to ask for all the help you can get and don't feel guilty about about how you feel or think. I thought some terrible things about my DS, believe me.... and he's still here, nearly three years old and incredibly cute and funny, more than my DD was at that age. And in those early weeks I'd not have believed it would ever be possible for me to think that.

Sorry - waffling. It's just I think you're doing so well and I remember those early days so clearly. It will get better. Lack of sleep is a truly terrible thing though. It really is. Sending lots of hugs and positive vibes.

Thinking of you xx

The other reason I'd recommend a wrap sling is that he gets the sensation of being cuddled close to you, even when you really might not feel like cuddling, iyswim? you can just sit or lie or walk, and he'll likely sleep on you, so that you get some peace.

Oh, and another thing (sorry for barbling on) - after dd1 I swore I'd be brilliant, I'd never complain, I'd be patient and loving etc etc if I could just have a baby. I don't think I even got to a week before I was weeping "Why won't you SLEEP????!!!" at dd, and I had no depression at all.

As for DS - well, suffice to say that DH was very worried that his first words would be unprintable, given what he's heard from his oh so patient mother trying to get him to sleep.

Turns out his first word is Mummy. Not sure I deserve it, but that's babies. Wee buggers, but endlessly forgiving, and oh so worth it in the end.

Lelarose have you considered co-sleeping?

My baby was very hungry and with a little practice we got to the point that he would feed during the night without me even waking up. I would feel almost normal when I got up in the morning even though he would have fed every couple of hours. And I would make DH get up to do the nappy changes.

Sleep deprivation does terrible things to everyone. We all think dark thoughts when all we want to do is curl up in a ball and be left alone to sleep. It is a new mother's prerogative to feel knackered, sorry for herself and to wonder "why have I done this, why me" and infinite variations thereof. One of my friends screamed "I hate you" to her 5 month old daughter in a battle over naptimes and felt awful afterwards but really, the babies never know about it, and it does no harm. I don't think she was a terrible person for that, I think she was just really really tired.

You are tired because you are being a mother, you are looking after your child, even though you are on your knees. That is not anyone's definition of a terrible person or a failure.

Try to hold on to the knowledge that this debilitating tiredness WILL go. You're still in the middle of all of the brand-newness of it all, when everything is scary and your body is desperately trying to recover from the C-section. Give yourself a pat on the back for getting through these first 7 days, and I promise that you will
be surprised how quickly the routine stuff become less scary. You'll get to know your baby, when he gets cranky, what he likes, and before you know it you will have an arsenal of tricks up your sleeve that help you to cope. And then he will start smiling at you. But for now it is a steep learning curve, but you will get there. I have huge amounts of faith in you Lelarose that you'll get through this bit too.

Does your baby stop crying if you feed him? If so, would you be happy to plug him on for extended periods for a quiet life? He might be doing that thing of feeding a lot to get your supply up, if so it's not worth fighting.

It will get better. And soon, I promise.

Sorry, x-post on the feeding front. I agree that every 4 hours is a bit ambitious - I ended up settling down with DS on the boob at about 5-ish and he'd stay there, off and on, until I went to bed at 11pm! It is lazy but it works.

The midwife said every 3-4 hours would be ok between feeds but I know what you are saying.

Will try the sling.

Bumbletoes that is just how I feel but also extremeley anxious and depressed with it.

May be out of contact for nest couple of days but thanks for any advice x

Oh, bloody mws. (and here's me wanting to be one) - they are not always v hot on bf advice, and often trying to go against a little one causes more stress than it solves.

this is quite good advice

Will keep checking in - please ask any questions you want - this is your support thread to use in any way you want.

Lela, get a moby wrap sling- it is amazing and saved my life.

If you can feed laying down, and that way you can doze off.

Get into bed with your DS, take off your top, and have him just in a nappy and have a little skin to skin.

4 hours- it is a bit long. It is really really early days and feeling like you are a feeding station with 24 hour access is quite normal.

Keep talking when you can. Keep in the moment. It is scary, really scary. You are doing it, and you can keep doing it.

Is he a windy boy, my DS was after the c-section. Try rubbing his tummy after a feed, try and feed him so he is layed in a straight line. Let him stay there for a while afterwards to let it settle. It gets better. I promise.

Lela, bf babies simply do not go four hours between feeds. I thought the same as you because that's what a lot of the books say, but my son is four months old and still feeds every two to three hours (usually closer to two). In the early weeks it was every two hours at most, and usually pretty constant in the evenings. It's incredibly hard but it's better to feed than to try and cope with the stress of the crying, I think. I know two bf babies that will feed every three hours, but the rest are like mine.

I hope the psychologist will be helpful.

If you do get a wrap sling (and I wish I'd got one with dd - ds lived in it), look on youTube for videos, as the manuals aren't always clear, and practice with a teddy bear or something first.

Lela, if you feel like it is all too much, go out for a walk around the block and get some fresh air for 10 minutes. Obviously leaving DS with your DP!

Habbiboo- I did not know you were studying to be a MW, that is amazing. How long have you left on your training?

Oh, no, am not yet - just plan on doing it, I hope, but it'll have to be when ds is in school, as it's just too much to manage childcare otherwise.