Lelarose Desperately Depressed #2

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Hi Lela, I hope this is OK, come over here. We will all be here for you. xx

To answer your questions, yes am breastfeeding, he was 8 and a half pounds and yes have plenty painkillers.

Its not having a caesarian that got me it was the general anaesthetic that has been so disorientating. Its a strange feeling being pregnant, knocked out, baby, with no birth to remember in between.

I feel very sad that I was so out of my face when he was handed to me I needed dp to tell me about it afterwards. They also told him its a boy before we got to see him and I dont think that was right- they should have said it when they handed him to us.

Feeling really spaced out today but I cant telll you how gorgeous he is so that helps. Just still worry bout my mental health as panic comes on unexpectedly from time to time, but like you say its a huge thing so being overwhelmed must be normal.

tbh, lela, I have to ask dh to remind me of details of dcs birth too, so don't feel that you're so different there! You will get used to that - might be worth searching threads about emCS under GA to see what people say about it.

Overwhelmingness totally normal, but you are wise to keep a weather eye on your mental health - if you are to get PND, the earlier you recognise it and get appropriate treatment, the better it is for you.

I'm so happy to hear you so in love with your boy - just watching my ds playing as I type, and so happy you have this now.

It's a shame they didn't tell you as they handed him to you, but these initial feelings about birth do fade in time - I felt quite angsty about one or two things about ds's birth for a bit, but after a while it does just stop mattering.

How is dp - is he very besotted?

GA is very odd, it takes a while to come down from it.

I know I really felt short changed about my birth. I felt really really emotional about the whole thing and let down and sad and that I had caused it. I thought that I couldn't push and that was the reason. A good friend gave me this little gem of advice, which really helped me get through my tears. "Instead of thinking my god we nearly died, start thinking thank God we are both OK" It really shifted my mind on to being thankful for what I had and start thinking bout moving on from my traumatic birth. But Lela I cried and cried and cried about it. It is OK to have your tears about this. But you have a dear little chap who you love and who you are bonded too. It is a beautiful thing.

A lovely weight too, and BF, well hats off to you! You really are a marvellous person. So so strong.

Does he have a name?

Think the GA can really affect your mood for a while. I wish I'd known that when I had it last, I could have dealt with the massive downer that followed better knowing it was a side effect.

You do find yourself sharing birth stories lots with all the new mums you meet and make friends with. I think we're all de-briefing each other and ourselves. There are so many details that you almost need to go over and over and eventually someone asks and you can't really be arsed to go into details and you know you've come to terms with it. And I think that's regardless of how the birth happens. It is a massive thing.

Everyday your body will be getting back to normal, you need rest and nice food, hope DP is spoiling you, remember to spoil yourself if you ever get a minute. Happy babymoon!

Hi Lela - we've now got broadband back, so I couldn't check in yesterday. I agree with pumpkin - the "de-briefing" urge can be strong, and I think that's for a good reason - in telling and retelling our stories, we start to make sense of them, and find a place for them in our lives. For a long time I couldn't talk about dd1, as I'd just burst into tears, but after a while I started to tell her story, over and over again - almost to random strangers after a while, and it became less awful with each re-telling, and helped me make my peace with what had happened.

Tell us when you're ready, as many times as you want, and explain to dp that you might need to ask him the details again and again, to fix the story in your mind and make sense of it.

How's the wee chap doing?

Crying for you Lela, you beautiful woman.

Sweetheart you deserve this happiness so much. Wishing all the very very best that the journey of motherhood brings lovely.

You know where everyone is for the hiccups, we all have them.

You have truly made my day..take care xx

He is doing fine I'm not so good.

I want to seep when he is sleeping but I'm too rigid with anxiety.

I'm scared after the intital few days of being ok I am crashing badly and I dont know what to do.

Dp has has 9 months of my shit to contend with I cant put any more of this on him.

Sorry, feel like I'm letting everyone down.

No, no no you're not, lela - this is exactly why many of us have posted that we want you to keep posting your dips, ok?

The big worry, that you wouldn't be able to love him, is over, and that's wonderful, but you and we all knew that your anxiety wouldn't just disappear in a flash. It is OK to be anxious, it's ok to not suddenly be better, it really is.

You're no doubt hitting a big hormone surge atm - after having dd1, I felt ok for a few days, and then suddenly felt like I'd fallen into a black hole - couldn't stop crying, panicking, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. Rang my MW counsellor, who told me that a hormone crash like this is really typical, and that made me feel much better.

You're very tired and at the whim of hormones atm. this will get better and will settle. If you can't sleep, don't force yourself, but do try to do mindless stuff, like watch TV, have baths, eat cake, etc; just try to have some down time.

Do you have more appts set up with your counsellor and psych?

We are, as I've said, in with you for the long haul. We'll celebrate your triumphs, sure, but that doesn't mean we aren't here for your dips. You are not letting anyone down, ok?

Do you want to talk through your worries - see if getting them out helps? DH is playing x-box, kids are asleep; can chat for a while if you want.

Lelarose I can't say it better than Habbibooooo just did - keep talking and yes anxiety is normal, keep talking.

You haven't put dp through nine months of anything because you have kept most of it from him. He can cope! Do mention to your midwife how you are feeling as we do need ot keep an eye out for PND xx

Also, lela, if you are still feeling sad/strange about the whole girl thing despite loving ds, then do say so - it's really ok to tell us the truth. No-one is judging.

Lelarose, well done for saying that you are crashing now, it's not always easy to admit these things especially when you've had such a rapturous response to your news.

Please please please always let us know how you're doing. This board is for YOU and although everyone here is really excited about your little man, he isn't our priority. You are.

We are here for you to get those things off your chest whenever you need to, however difficult they are to say.

You've had some great advice from madmouse and HabbiBOOOO. Just to chip in my twopenneth, I come from a background of not having mental health issues but a few days after having DS I crashed massively and the anxiety was overwhelming. And then it went, and for me it was a temporary hormonal thing but at the time felt very very real.

So, timewise you are in classic baby blues territory, so it might well just be that, sweetheart. But you've had so much to deal with that I do think it will take your brain a little while to unravel from the months of stress and tension. Try not to think too far ahead and do carry on taking one day at a time.

Lela,, it is 'ok' to feel like this, it is quite Normal.
It must feel overwhelming after all you have been through, and as much as I would wish it for you, perhaps things are not going to simply be all right overnight.

But like so many others say, please please keep talking.

Any problems are like splinters, and if we just leave them and hide them they can fester and become more painful. But talking, sharing, offloading can help remove the splinters one by one and start to make life easier.

You have a very good reason to keep fighting and be OK in that gorgeous little baby. But never forget that YOU are worthy of support and fighting for, the support you get is a measure of what people think of you. xx

Hey, lela - just wondering how you are.

Hi Lela,

just wanted to say that it is very normal to feel like you have hit a slump. Are you back home then? I missed that bit if you said already.

The GA has worn off, and all the really full on drugs too. Giving birth is full on, and a c-section is the most full on! Having your son does not magic everything away. But now more than ever you need to try and stay in the moment. Being a new mum is all about instincts, so listen to yours.

I remember that I used to have asleep and I would be exhausted, a walking zombie, and not be able to sleep. I used to lay there hearing my DS cry. He wasn't. I was so stressed I would hear phantom crying! It was tough.

I feel terrible for telling you this as I know you all want the happy ending for me, but I am suffering from the most incredible evel of anxiety.

People are coming to see the baby and I'm smiling and saying all the right things but inside I am flooded with adrenaline and rigid with tension.

My son is very loveable and I do have feelings for him, I'm just totally overwhelmed by scarey thoughts, such as- I shouldn't have a child because I'm too mentally ill, it happened to soon in me and dp's relationship, maybe I was happier before and now I've dragged a child into my problems, dp will get to the end of his tether with me and leave. It was my fault I got pregnant and its all my responsibility.

I literally feel like I'm going to explode I'm so anxious.

lela, we want a happy ending for you, but we know it will take time - nobody thought it was all going to magically get better, so you are not for a second letting anyone down. Am putting ds to bed, but wil be back soon.

I think you have done really really well to get that down on "paper" and out of your head. Take a breath, I bet that felt good to share that. There is no judging here, no shame. You can make no mistakes here.

It is tough having the revolving door of visitors. If you can, try and limit things. You need your space and your rest. A few of weeks in we found it easier to do the visiting as then we could get up and leave when we wanted to.

That said, you can tell people what you need from them, and you can leave them to it, and go upstairs and lay down.

It takes two to make a baby and it takes two to decide what to do. Your DP sounds lovely, let him in and tell him you are scared. He is there for you and your DS.

What is DS doing, are you holding him now? What colour hair does he have?

His dad is rocking him in his pram. He has dark hair.

I wanted a baby so much before I got pregnant, I was actually pretty obsessed with it.

How can it all have gone so out of control bad for me when this is all I ever thought I wanted?

lela there is a reason why in the first posted I posted after the birth of your ds I told you to keep posting negative/anxious thoughts too. No one on here was naive enough enough to think you were totally out of the woods.

We are all still here for you and right now we are probably the safest place for you to unload your negative and anxious feelings. And they will be received with respect and care.

Becoming a mother is an overwhelming responsibility - he is here, you can't send him back, you don't want to so now there are all these thoughts and worries. It's ok. They may be a sign of PND so for your sake and ds's try to open up a bit in real life to mw/dp.

Keep talking xx

Hi Lela - DP & I were together for 14 years before we had a baby & I was still sure we'd rushed into it when she was born . Plus it took us 5 years to get pregnant so really I had plenty of time to get my head around the idea. The reality is very different though when it actually happens. I was terrified of her & very anxious to begin with (anxious throughout the pregnancy too). It does get less scary with time. Thats is right - it helped me to talk to DP about it. He was very supportive even if he didn't really understand why I was so freaked out by it all, given we had wanted it so badly. I couldn't eat, the weight dropped off me, I couldn't sleep. I forced myself out with the pram for a short walk to the library every day, to get some air. That helped a lot. She would sleep & I would get a 25p coffee from the machine & use the Internet & then walk back. Bathing her together in the evenings became another little routine that helped - not sure why, but I guess it was family time. It got better gradually. Keep posting lela xx

Because having a child is the most extreme emotionalthing most of us can go through, and it turns your life upside down, whatever your normal mental state is. I think becoming a parent can leave so many of your - anyone's - anxieties, stresses, issues laid bare, as the responsibility and emotion just feels so huge.

And then you have a complicated background to deal with. How you are feeling is not surprising - it doesn't detract from the fact that it is wonderful that you have bonded with your son, and that love and bonding will be what carries you through this. That said, you do still need practical and professional help.

wrt dp - I think one of the best things you can do for a partner, when you are anxious/unwell, is to let them know what they can do to help on a practical level. If you and dp can sit down and talk about what will help, he won't feel so helpless when you hit a dip, and you'll get the kind of support you need when you're least able to articulate it. So, if you can get some stress-relief techniques to help you calm yourself when waves of panic start, teach them to dp; help him work through it with you. He may also be able to do this on the phone if he's not around.

Secondly - your relationship has survived a lot already, and that's a very good sign. I will say, though, that the first year of your first baby's life can be hard - you are constantly second-guessing yourself, and it's critical that you keep lines of communication open. If you are too worried to tell dp things, try them out on us first, to help crystallise and calm your thinking, and then tell him - let him in as much as you can.

Your anxieties are normal ones writ large, if that helps to know. But you will be a good mother because you are a good person, a kind, strong and responsible person, and as days go by it just won't feel so strange to be a mother to this little scrap - it'll just start to feel like he's always been with you.

Have you got appointments set up with your counsellor and psych? Has your medication changed since the birth? If you have any questions about breastfeeding and ADs, post them on here - tiktok and others are usually very good about providing links to authoritative advice.

And yy to Jet's suggestion of little routines - for you as much as for ds - I'm usually a world of chaos, but having plans to get out every day really really helps.

Lela, I just want to give you a massive hug.

The whole visitors thing at the start is hard work but things will calm down soon. I know that you are probably too nice to boot them out when you need to, but perhaps have a word with your DP and ask him to keep and eye on the situation and make sure that your guests don't stay longer than half an hour?

I agree with thatsnotmyZOMBIE. I bet your DP knows the signs now and can tell that you are stressed, and that he would like to be let in. The things you are worrying about are things that he can reassure you about, it will be easier for him to help than it was when you worried about loving your DS and the birth.

Oh, and if you hadn't fallen pregnant, you wouldn't have that lovely little bundle of a baby. He is A Good Thing even if things aren't straightforward. And you are a good person too.

The extreme adrenaline thing sounds like classic postpartum hormones to me, and that normally lasts a few days and is very normal. Have you been able to get out yet? I'm not sure about recovery times for CSs but I found that it helped to have fresh air and a change of scene. Things seemed a bit more intense when I was cooped up inside initially.

"his dad", that is so lovely.

Thing is, what is built up in ones head is never the reality, never. It is just something different, good and bad different.

Have you been talking to your MW about how you are feeling?