can't cope

[smudgedred]

Really struggling again, all i want to do is walk out and not come back but then who would care for ds1 and 2? I love them to bits but can't handle it when ds2 is crying and ds1 wants me to play all the time. need a break but never seem to get it, and when i do i dont want the kide or dh to come back. i feel really guilty for even thinking that coz i love them all so much. got so much going on in my head i feel like im ready to explode. HV and my psych not in till tomorrow so feels like i got no one i can turn to. dh is disabled so it means i have to run around after him a lot (he helps when he can) as well as the kids. feels like i just wanna scream, cry, cut and take an overdose just so i can numb things out for a while. dont know what to do anymore. im on antidepressants but they dont seem to be helping much.

no i dont know where they are which makes it even more terrifing, for all i know one of them is liveing down the fucking road! cant believe hoe scareed i am for the boys safety. why cant i block it out! i know my psyke has to keep it confidential but they said they'd know if i ever told anyone. so damn stupid for putting myself 1st before my boys. what sort of mother am i if i cant even protect them form this shit

Sweetheart, you are protecting your little ones. You are protecting them by getting help and looking after yourself, and so making sure that you can have a happier future together.

But you are dealing with a hell of a lot at the moment and I can't begin to imagine how threatening and frightening that is for you. You are doing incredibly well.

"they said they'd know if i ever told anyone". I'm no expert, but that makes me so and . They hurt you, terribly. Then they told you something that made you feel 'safe', as long as you never told anyone, and never got any help for yourself. How DARE THEY???

You have now started to challenge that and that took so much courage from you. Can you look at your first post here? You sounded so sad and at the end of your tether. You sounded as if you had reached a point where you really needed to start to look after yourself and to get help, so that you can help your little ones too.

You shouldn't have to manage all of this on your own. There are people out there who have been through similar experiences (you may even meet someone on Monday) and who will tell you that they have been lied to, like these men lied to you. It's part of the sick game they play, keeping themselves safe, no matter what it does to other people.

From what you say, is this the first time that you have told anyone about this, apart from your dh/close family? Taking a step into the unknown like that will have taken you away from some of the things that have made you feel emotionally safer. Remember, you are now starting to take control of things in your life again. You are starting to make decisions. If you can go to the group on Monday you don't need to talk about what happened to you at all, until you are ready to do so, but you can listen to others and may find that they have been lied to like this and that they were as scared as you feel now. It's something that you can talk to your psyke about too.

I wish I knew more about these things to help you - I am sure there are other mumsnetters who are far more experienced than I am - but I think that you are amazingly brave posting here, and hope that my thoughts help a bit.

(Sorry, I do go on, don't I?!)

Thinking of you.

i wrote it down for dh, but he thought it was just 1 person, not 3 so when he read this he had a shock. so drained, physically and emotionally. wish i could just block everything once and for all. so tired of fighing all the time, yet im not even sure i know what im fighting for. whats the point? if i werent around, thhey wouldnt hurt my kids coz there would be no point, yet if im here they know its the only way left they can hurt me. i dont wanna lose my babies but for their sakes maybe i should.

Smudgered, please don't say that. No-one will ever, every love your little ones the way that you do. Their mum can never be replaced.

Please do talk to your dh and psyke about the way you feel. You don't have to live in fear of these men, and your little boys can keep their mum.

You do not have to live afraid of them for ever. There are people who can help you, practically protect you, and help you deal with your fears too.

Doent feel like it. Sorry for being like this.

cant believe how shit im feeinng again today, just wanna cut so badly, kids had a really bad night, im worried so much that they are going to harm them. maybe thats why ds1 isn't sleeping through again, maybe one of them has got to him and done something which has hurt or upset him. even though i know no one has got to him coz he always with me or dh. so messed up in my head at the moment. just want to forget

Hope that your day has improved a bit, Smudgered.

As I've said, I am no expert, but it is very, very understandable that you are struggling to deal with your emotions, and that you want to keep your little ones safe. It's also understandable that you don't really feel as if there is anyone out there to help you. You have coped for so long with this on your own, haven't you?

I do hope that you find some support in rl as well as posting on MN. You had another appointment with the psyke today didn't you? Did you manage to get there?

I am away this weekend and probably won't be MNing. You might want to start a new thread, as I'm sure there are others who would have better advice for you and who know what you are going through, but who might look in Relationships, or another section, rather than Mental Health.

Thinking of you.

no it wasnt today, its next friday. day not got better or worse so i guess thats good. have a good weekend and thanks

Wow, crazy week at work, so I haven't been around much.

Just a quick line to see how you are, this week?

A quick post to see if you are still around and posting. Hope that things are OK for you.

hi yeah sorry, not been on here much lately. dh has been reading this even when i asked him not to so its safer i dont post anymore coz he had a go at me for not telling him how i feel. he doesnt understand why im like this or that i find it easier to write on here how i feel not tell him. thanks for your support anyway

No problem. He's not alone in thinking that. However, sometimes we mumsnetters find it easier to chat online, and then show our dhs the threads. It can be a good way of getting started . . . .

maybe. but as he thought it was all about how he didnt help out a lot and really thought i meant i'd walk out even though i feel like it but never would. but he doenst understand i said them things coz it was true...then. now things are different, but for how long. if i were to say it again would he still think i would go?