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Mental health

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Original poster

can't cope

88 replies

smudgedred · 06/09/2010 08:05

Really struggling again, all i want to do is walk out and not come back but then who would care for ds1 and 2? I love them to bits but can't handle it when ds2 is crying and ds1 wants me to play all the time. need a break but never seem to get it, and when i do i dont want the kide or dh to come back. i feel really guilty for even thinking that coz i love them all so much. got so much going on in my head i feel like im ready to explode. HV and my psych not in till tomorrow so feels like i got no one i can turn to. dh is disabled so it means i have to run around after him a lot (he helps when he can) as well as the kids. feels like i just wanna scream, cry, cut and take an overdose just so i can numb things out for a while. dont know what to do anymore. im on antidepressants but they dont seem to be helping much.

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Original poster

smudgedred · 06/09/2010 17:59

i might try something like that. i already have a diary of things to do to get me out and about, sw suggested it, and i'd do anything to keep my kids. am definatly going to ring hv and psyke tomorrow to have a rant and hopefully they will help a bit.

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Original poster

smudgedred · 06/09/2010 22:33

Can't believe how much I need to hurt myself right now. Ds1 asleep but we are fighting ds2 to get him to go. Keeps being sick and is screaming the house down. Just want him to go sleep so I can have a break. Dh just said to me if I'm struggling with the kids I should go work and he'll stay and look after them. Then who would change their nappies?!? Besides, if I had no one else home I'd have to cope wouldn't I? And I wouldn't have him moaning at me if he isn't well, I wouldn't have to do stuff for him and could go out when and where I want without having to make sure he is ok on his own. So angry with him at the moment. Ge is making me feelworse than ever

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Original poster

smudgedred · 06/09/2010 23:20

well ds2 still hasnt gone to sleep, so finally dh has taken him for a spin in the car (i dont drive so i couldnt)and we are hoping that works. he told me not to do anything while they were out. shows he doesnt trust me still. i still feel like i want to just walk out and not come back, just so tired of everything at the moment. yet i know i coldnt leave my boys. they havent done anything wrong so why should they suffer coz of me? cant believe how much i love them, yet earlier i didnt feel anything towards them, i just hated myself for not loving them and being a screw up for not being happy with what i have

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FunnysInTheGarden · 06/09/2010 23:34

smudge, you really sound at the end. If this is not a rude question, how old are you?

Hope you are OK tonight, you sound lovely, you really do

Original poster

smudgedred · 07/09/2010 06:49

well ds2 finally went to sleep in the car, when i moved him to his cot he woke again but a bottle of milk and his dummy soon had him back asleep. i was nearly asleep when ds1 came in and crawled onto my tummy, so had to climb into his bed with him to get him back to sleep. then i got a couple of hours until ds2 woke for food, then got another hour and now everyone is asleep, ive just had a nice long shower, am going outside for a ciggie in a min so hope that will set me up a bit for when the boys wake up. will be ringing psyke later, not sure about hv. we got ss involved and ss said they would shut down file if i was ok, but if i talk to hv she will tell ss and they will stay involved (even though ss said there wasn't mch they could do as the boys arent in danger...the only thing ss are worried about is the boys will see me sh, but i always go in the bathroom and lock the door) not sure at the moment, guess i'll see how i feel after speaking to psyke. at least i didnt cut last night, really want and need to though, just need to escape freom my head for a little while. just hoping today is better than yesterday...doubt it somehow though

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Notquitegrownup · 07/09/2010 10:17

Oh Smudgered, well done for continuing to post and for not cutting last night. It is very clear that you love your boys enormously. It is normal, honestly, to feel nothing or worse, when you are so overtired that your body screams, and when they are crying hopelessly. We have all been there. The proof that when things have calmed down a little, and the screaming has stopped, then you still love them, after all they have put you through.

I'm no expert on sh, but there are others on MN who know. Can you start a new thread, with a title which will catch their attention?

Hope that the psyke can help you today and keep you going until the hv/homestart people can step in to help too.

In the meantime, get as much sleep as you can, whenever/wherever you can, and see if dh can take the boys out for a daily drive so that you get a regular nice long shower/something to eat each day too.

Thinking of you.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 07/09/2010 10:38

Good to read you still posting. It sounds like such a difficult situation you're in as a family. You did so brilliantly well not to cut last night. I hope you can get the RL support you need today...

Original poster

smudgedred · 07/09/2010 11:12

thanks. well ive been down the shop already today, tidied up and hoovered so at least im keeping busy. waiting for psyke to ring me back. still just wanna walk out and not come back but know i wont abandon my boys. really wish i could cut though, know it would make things more bearable. for a while at least. dh is feeling better today so is helping out more which is a good thing. just want to stop feeling so low aat the moment, it cant be good for my sons, can it? im sure they can pick up on it, they are not stupid. not like me lol

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BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 07/09/2010 11:15

You're not stupid. Far, far from it.

I hope the psyke phones you back asap...

Original poster

smudgedred · 07/09/2010 12:22

i feel i am stupid...not being able to bury the past, not being able to function properly, not enjoying my boys as much as i should be, for allowing things to get to me so damn easily. anyway, my psyke rang back and is going to sende me another appointment (we left it open last time i saw her)and she basicaaly just told me to ring her if i need to, to keep busy and rest as miuch as possible (not likely gonna have the chacne lol), but we are going to my nans tomorrow so im sure my nan and mum will be cuddling ds2 most the day and my granddad will be playing with jamie lots so i can (hopefully) just sit back and relax a bit.

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Notquitegrownup · 07/09/2010 13:36

Enjoy your day tomorrow. You have earned it - and your psyke sounds spot on.

Just wanted to back up BMDFL - you are not stupid. The past has a habit of not letting itself be buried, though we sometimes have to poke it down until we are in a place where we can deal with it properly.

Nor are you stupid feeling that you can't cope (or if you are, there are lots of us out there who are stupid too). Coping with a relatively high powered job has never reduced me to the quivering wreck that the combination of sleep deprivation and two small children can . . . Posting on MN was the only thing that kept me going at times.

Original poster

smudgedred · 07/09/2010 15:52

i guess your right, but i probably can't see it yet. can feel myself getting bad agin. keep thinking about what it would be like if i went away...want to overdose so bad its unbelievealbe. last time i was this bad i took loads but kept being sick so i guess i didnt do any harm, but cant tell docs or anyone incase i lose my kids. whats the point in talking to my hv about it, she doing all she can and it will keep social services involved which i dont want. dont know what to do for the best really. butas i cant get to any pills i guess it dont matter how i feel anyway

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BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 07/09/2010 16:20

Well done for keeping the pills out of reach. I can understand your feeling that the HV will want to keep SS on hand if you talk to her (really, it's just her job...) but is there anyone else you feel safer talking to? A friend of mine finds that "overdosing" on breathmints helps her to cope with how she's feeling... does that help you?

Original poster

smudgedred · 07/09/2010 16:26

no it doenst, i need to feel ill and in pain to make things better. just need to feel something physical not mental, cant explian mental pain but can explain physical if that makes sense

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BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 07/09/2010 16:27

It makes sense to me.

So what's keeping you so strong and stopping you from overdosing or cutting?

Original poster

smudgedred · 07/09/2010 20:53

the kids plus i havent got anything

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FunnysInTheGarden · 07/09/2010 22:10

smudge thanks for telling me your age ,

I think that you have a lot on your plate and you are very young to deal with it all. I don't know your history, but for anybody looking after 2 children is very difficult.

I am pushing 40 and sometimes find it totally overwhelming. Thank god I have work to go to

Hope you are OK, thinking of you

sorrento56 · 08/09/2010 09:20

It really does sound like you are depressed and I would ask you to consider getting a GP appointment for today and talk to them. Your children can be with your grandparents so you will be able to talk freely and concentrate on you.

Original poster

smudgedred · 08/09/2010 21:20

sorrento, i am depresed and am on meds for it, they just dont seem to be working a lot of the time. the docs are arranging counselling for me but there is a long waiting list so i just gotta cope until then. But my psyke has arranged for me to see someone about a sexual abuse group on the 20th which is worrieing me so that isnt helping at the moment, i know things are going to get worse before they get better. she is also arranging me to meet with a psychologist for a one off meeting to see if she can give me any advice on how to cope better and stuff, so i guess at the moment its just a waiting game

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Original poster

smudgedred · 09/09/2010 07:11

had a really good day yesterday and a good(ish)night sleep last night, but still feel really down at the moment. all i wanna do is go back to bed and stay there for a few days, but i cant. gotta function, smile, be happy, pretend to the world, lie to myself about my feelings...same old s**t, different day. so tired of these feelings, just want them to end but somehow dont think they are going to.

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Notquitegrownup · 09/09/2010 10:20

Good morning Smudgered.

Those feelings will end. It's just that no-one can promise when. However, you have asked for help, which is always the most important step. Sooner or later you will be able to start to enjoy your little ones, as well as loving them lots. (Is your GP going to review your meds too?)

In the meantime, do keep on posting as (I found) it helps a lot whilst waiting for other help to kick in. MNetters are a very patient bunch, and good at listening.

Hope that your little ones enjoyed yesterday too, and that you can all get through today this morning OK. Have you got anything planned?

Original poster

smudgedred · 09/09/2010 11:33

hiya, just been out and this afternoon we have in laws coming around. got a party on sat nihgt so am actually looking forwards to something for once. thanks x

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Notquitegrownup · 09/09/2010 13:17

sorrento56 · 09/09/2010 13:25

That is brilliant news :).

Original poster

smudgedred · 09/09/2010 13:28

i know, just wish i wasnt feelig so crap right now. just wanna go for a long walk but can't coz of people coming round. feeling really fed up at the moment, like i need to cry yet for once (its a miricle) i dont wanna cut or od.

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