Insomnia friends - I will sleep well tonight because I have told my unconscious I will- Part II

[madmouse]

Help we left it too late the old thread is full!!! Hope we all find this one!!!

madmouse sorry to hear you are going through such a touch time As becky says, PLEASE feel free to vent on here. Only if it helps though, I know sometimes I have the need to step away too....

But sometimes it can be helpful to write down how you are feeling, and you are always welcome here, you know that

Not such a good night for me last night, but still had enough overall. Woke up with a jolt to DD bouncing on our bed at about 6am, then she starting screaming so had a really bad headache after that.... Arrgh.

becky - BROODY??? SERIOUSLY???!! you make me smile!!

Come and join me - we can be broody together. 4 DCs, c'mon.... you know it makes sense

There's no way DH would agree to a fourth, it'd have to be an accident! It would be fun to be TTCing at the same time though.

You are joking though, right?

Yep, there's no way I could cope with four! I'd just like a pink one now I've got three lovely blue ones, and if I could guarantee a pink one I'd seriously consider another one.

well there are things you can do to "influence" it you know......

Stop right now ladies! Honestly I turn my back for five minutes and here you are wanting a fourth baby becky are you mad!
I'm keeping away from this board a bit at the moment because I'm sleeping really well without ANY pills for the first time since I had DD and don't want to jinx it!

I tried to influence with DS3 - didn't work!

Arcadia good to hear it - you know you can sleep well :) I'm sleeping really well too at the moment and I was thinking the other day that I was sleeping more like I used to before DS3 was born.

Glad to hear you are doing well arcadia that's great news

Hi ladies

Thanks so much - it is hard to express what your support means - from m issing me on here, to finding me on fb and posting on my other thread with your lovely messages it makes me well up x

Basically I was very scared to sit the exam. I'm normally good with exams but the PTSD has knocked my concentration and my confidence. From when the abuse started doing well academically has been essential as a way of covering up the fact that I was such a 'bad, horrible' girl that no one would want if they would know the truth so this is sensitive stuff and there is a very deep sense of failure there. The distress around the exam brought new memories very early the next morning relating to my abuser making disparaging comments about me not 'performing' and me getting very angry with my body for not letting him have his way (I clammed shut). I felt my body betrayed me because (and this bit is apparently hard to understand, my friend struggles to get it)it wouldn't let him do his thing. And really the only thing you can wish for when you are that small is for it to be over quickly.

So that was a lot of deep stuff coming out at a time when I no longer expected it. And it is a lot to deal with - what I said on the other thread, the eating disorder I have had since I was 7, the shame about my boby, not looking after it...

Sorry about the essay but this is what is going on. And I'm exhausted.

Glad to hear you are all sleeping well (ish!)

Oh madmouse ! I wish I could just be there with you, sit there with you and let you just cry.

It is horrific, isn't it.

You don't need to protect us on here by the way, you can let it all out, if you feel it helps. Sometimes friends in RL don't want to hear it, or you don't want to say things, for fear of shocking them or driving them away,

You know that is not the case with us, don't you?

BTW sorry if this is TMI but the first time I made love, it was on DH's and my's wedding night, it did not go well at all because I was very tense and it was very painful and I bled quite a bit. I can imagine that for a small girl to go through that, it would have been much worse - it was not your body's "fault" AT ALL. I know you know this, but you body was not at a stage physically to be ready for that kind of thing. I know this may not help at all, but just wanted you to be reassured that was normal and totally not anything that could have been within your control.

Oh madmouse I am crying here for the injustice of the world for letting this happen to you and for you having to deal with this now too. I agree with GetDown; please don't feel you need to protect us. I'd much, much rather you opened up about what's going on in your head and your life than kept things to yourself or felt that you don't want to put a downer on us or anything daft like that. If anything we can offer our ears (or eyes in the case of reading!) and hopefully even that will help you to get through this tough time.

I am so glad to have 'met' you and everyone else on this thread. You have all helped me so much.

Becky please don't cry

Crying is good - don't worry. I cry very easily anyway. I am a big fan of crying as a way to get emotions out - great therapy in my opinion.

sorry it is difficult for me when other people show emotion about what happened to me. My friend has been in tears about it a few times and that nearly killed me, I stopped talking about it to my closest friend as she got too upset about it. It seems wrong somehow, the pain needs to stay with me.

Probably makes no sense.

Not letting other people cry about what happened to you is another way you are heaping the blame on yourself.

People can objectively feel that what happened to you was WRONG. It's not a case of hurting them with your experience, it was wrong what happened to you. People cry over things that are wrong, vile or unjust.

You don't need to keep holding on to all this pain and grief. You need to let it go.

That does make sense - you are trying to protect other people from feeling the pain you feel. But any pain or empathy I feel, or other people feel, is not at all the same to your own pain because I or they have never been through what you have can't begin to know what it is really like for you, if that makes sense. So it is quite transient - I might feel upset reading your post but it isn't the same for me to feel upset for a short while as for you to live with this all of the time. What I'm trying to say also is that I'd rather you talked than didn't as I think knowing that you were keeping quiet to protect other people would make me feel more upset than knowing what was upsetting you. I'm not making much sense, am I? Sorry!

Thank you both for your very helpful posts - everything you say is true, just difficult to take in.

One of the many things I have been doing battle with is a deeply held belief that I was bad inside and that if I talked about what happened to me I would pass that darkness on to the person I talked to. And of course I love that person far too much.

Another thing is that it is still very hard for me to cry (unless during certain flashbacks) and I simply didn't know how to cope with other people being all upset about things that I could not emotionally reach. I remember after a long heavy evening talking about things my friend giving me a big hug when leaving and after he closed the door I noticed my cheek was wet from his tears and I had to sit down and think really hard about that one and it shook me badly.

It is really incredible how much damage this rotten abuse business does

Oh madmouse xx

I've had a rotten night guys. After three weeks of sleeping brilliantly I was still awake at 4am. I feel crap. I feel depressed. I feel awful. How can my mood go from happy to this just over lack of sleep? I went to aqua aerobics last night and I was soooo tired when I went to bed at 10pm. I don't get it :( DH is working super hard and he went to bed at 1.30am and got up at 5.30am. He is just phenomanel. I'm worried about him.

Becky - could this be a trained response that you've built up over the past few years? Bad night makes you depressed? I know I've reacted out of habit sometimes when the cause was already gone? But the fact of the matter is that you feel rubbish this morning, so big hug xx

I think it is a trained response but one that I've learnt only since DS3 was born. I'm just so cross with myself for not being able to switch off and for getting anxious about it as early as 11pm. I hate my mind sometimes. It is so stupid.

It's not stupid and there's no point getting cross. It just is a by now very occassional bad night. Try to shrug, say, glad I have so much sleep to fall back on and try to move on

Oh becky I am so sorry However, this is your first bad night in ages. That is definite progress.

You were probably subconsciously worrying about DH.

It's so frustrating when you;ve done exercise and are knackered but still can't sleep. Could you have done it too late into the evening? I find if I jog too late I am still too "stimulated" to go to sleep, even if I am physically exhausted.

Not that it's much consolation but I had a pretty crappy night too

DH has got a fever

He was sighing and writhing around and shivering all night I do feel sorry for him, but also a bit that he didn't go down to the spare room. He knows I can't sleep in the spare room. Despite being woken frequently and having the bed vibrating with his shivering, I think I did manage to get enough sleep in the end, feel a bit headachey though.

Looks like I won't be finishing with counselling just yet after all. I'm tired

GetDown please read your own post back and admire how well you are doing xxx

Sorry I mean you still getting enough sleep despite such a bad night and the odds stacked against you

Another 'consolation' is that out of the three other friends I went to aqua arebics with last night two others were wake until 1.30am and 2.30am as they also couldn't sleep! Both of which are usually really good sleepers. So perhaps it was too late to do exercise. The other one, slept like a log though

I don't feel too bad considering. I've been here before.

GetDown poor you and poor your DH. I hope he feels better soon. As madmouse says you still slept enough so well done you for that!!!!