Insomnia friends - I will sleep well tonight because I have told my unconscious I will- Part II

[madmouse]

Help we left it too late the old thread is full!!! Hope we all find this one!!!

I am going to have to go. I feel very very sick and my throat feels weird, keeps tightening up so I can't swallow.

I hope sleep is kind to you soon and you get some rest, x

Oh Getdown sorry to read you had such an awful night:( Just think that was just one night and doesn't mean you've ruined the weekend. Try and be kind to yourself today at least your DH is at home to help out with your dd, so you can rest a bit today.

You've done really well. Keep focusing on that. Maybe later today run yourself a lavender bath just to try and unwind a little. I find listening to music helps too, it seems to stop too many thoughts. Take care x

Oh Getdown just seen all your posts from the night - glad the lovely Mittz was there for you, not so glad she was having such a bad night too

I think you definitely need a long walk this afternoon. Get you nice and fresh and rosy and you will sleep no problems.

Do we need to get to the bottom of those thoughts that were racing? How afraid are you that you cannot live without antidepressants?

How are you feeling now? You realise the weekend is not ruined yet don't you - It's 8.30am on Saturday morning....

GetDown huge, huge hug to you. You disappear off this thread and I will be extremely upset with you :( You have every right to be here as any of us - you have helped me sooooo much and I hope I have helped you too sometimes :). You ARE going to be ok. You're having a bad few nights, that's all, a bit more of a blip than usual, but still a blip. Please don't read too much into it. The amount of mirtazapine you were having before was so small it couldn't have been having much affect, could it? Could it just be the huge pressure you are under to sleep well now you are off mirtazapine completely? The subconcious is soooo strong, as you know. Perhaps your subconcious is saying 'this is too good to be true, surely no drugs means no sleep now?' But that's not true. You can sleep without anything to help you - you had four or five good nights, didn't you? I was in a similar place last weekend with a few bad nights. I thought I was back at the beginning again and was crying all day Friday and Sunday on and off. But I have bounced back again. Remember me calling myself the lost cause?

I'm so pleased mittz and Auntyjude were here for you last night (). I woke up last night and I was wondering how you were doing. You poor, poor thing. If I lived near you I'd come over today and keep you company if your DH is at work (is he at work?). My DH is going away this weekend so I'm stuck at home!

Did you get any sleep in the end? How are you feeling today?

thanks for all your kind words

So far today all I have done is alternate between crying and being sick. Only just now managed to wash my face and pull some clothes on.

DH has taken DD and the dog out so am on my own.

My hands are actually shaking.

GetDown I've been so worried about you today I've been constantly refreshing this page all morning thinking 'she's normally been on mumsnet by now'. You poor, poor thing. Is it the anxiety that is making you sick? Did you get any sleep in the end?

thanks becky I really wish you were nearer, I would so love to see you today.

I put Mr mckenna on when I went to bed last night, and I did start to fall asleep. Then annoyingly the anxiety kicked in about midnight and that was it

I just felt it building and building in my chest, until eventually I burst into tears and had a full on panic attack.

DH had to get up and do some serious calming me down. Poor thing, he must be shattered too

I came down to the spare room but was so anxious I was totally panicking that's when I came on MN and mittz and auntyjune helped me, but realised I shouldn't really be sitting in front of a bright screen.

I went and sat with the dog for a bit to try and calm down. She just looked at me as if to say "please turn off the light".

So I had a banana and paced around for a bit.

I stupidly went on FB, and that message "there is noone online" came up - well, duh, what did I expect at 3 in the morning? But for some reason it just made everything so much worse - I felt so incredibly lonely.

Crawled into spare bed and thrashed around, think I must have evenutally fallen asleep maybe around 4, but was awake again by 7:30.

this is total s**t.

I've actually been doing the same as Becky. You've been on my mind this morning aswell Getdown. I'm glad you've posted but you really don't sound too good.

I was wondering if your bad night and awful anxiety might have been caused by the Zopiclone? Maybe rebound insomnia. I really hope you feel much better soon [hugs].

GetDown you had some sleep. I know that isn't much help rigtht now, but some sleep is enough to keep you going today. Our friend Paul says your body forces you to have 2 hours sleep to survive so you've had that. I've got by on nights of 2 hours sleep - two nights in a row on a couple of occassions. It's hell I know. Why don't you try diazepam tonight? The sleep you get with that is more natural than with zopiclone and it really helps with the anxiety - look at it as a special treat - giving yourself a night off the worry. Take some renee or anti-acid too for your stomach today and try to eat if you can - things like soup, apples, bananas and bread. Try to do some deep breathing - it really does help even if it feels pretty basic and pointless.

I'll be here most of the day if you need someone to talk to :) DH is in Cardiff today with his two school friends getting drunk as I type no doubt. Pah!

thanks orange, maybe, I just don't know what to do.

I thought about calling the out of hours crisis line, but TBH they are more than useless.

I have to see my CPN next week, I really don't want to tell her about this, as I know exactly what she'll do....

I need to put on a front of coping, but how?

Once again I feel like my dream of having another baby is slipping away, and there's nothing, absolutely nothing, I can do about it.

I am trying so hard to help myself. I am happy and content with everything I have, I have introduced exercise, followed sleep hygiene religiously, done so much reading about it, it just feels so unfair.

Right now I feel so negative the thoughts just keep coming and coming like a tidal wave and I feel like I'm drowning.

Thank goodness I'm not pregnant, what a mess that would be.

Maybe I will never get there. The thought of going back on the ADs fills me with such a feeling of despair and defeat, I don't think I can take it.

I think I'm going to be sick

I only have 3x 2mg tablets of diazepam left I don't know whether to take them, I hate getting to the point where I run out (stupid I know)

I can't go back to the GP for more, they will be totally and they will say I definitely should not be thinking abotu having another baby. That just makes me want to vomit I feel so sad and horrible.

I know it's really hard when you're absolutely exhausted but try not to think too far ahead. You just need to get through today somehow or other. Do you have any Rescue Remedy or Kalms? Anything that might help?

As you had a bad night last night you will surely sleep tonight. Just try and write it off if you can as a blip. You will be OK I'm sure. You have been such a support to me on here.

Sorry I keep crossposting. Have never tried diazepam myself, does it work?

but I have had about 4 bad nights in a row now, surely by that token I should have slept like a log last night?

I am just so frustrated with myself and my stupid brain. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. In all my reading surely I should know more than this?

I don't have any rescue remedy or kalms. I have some homeopathic stuff but the thought of putting anything in my mouth right now makes me want to be sick.

diazepam - mixed success

Sorry don't know what to say. Is there a chance you could lie down somewhere and maybe put some music on headphones? Take care. DH has just come in and wants me to go shopping so will have to go out for a bit. Will be back later.

Diazepam mixed success for me too. But you have to believe these things will work - I have had lovely night's sleep with diazepam (actually more pleansant than zopiclone which I find shuts me down for 5-6 hours and that's all - like a switch). It's frustrating but the only way to beat this is to be positive even if it is really, really hard to stay positive. Don't let this insomnia beat you. You've said yourself 'I won't let the insomnia win'. Fingers up to it. Come on, GetDown! You know you can sleep really, really well.

If I could take this away from you I could :( I know how horrible it is. You will beat this though. You will. You've come through worse. Y

I know.

The only thing making me slightly positive right now is looking at my little girl.

She just picked me a tiny flower from outside and has given it to me.

I have put it in a little vase and am sobbing buckets now.

GetDown I didn't see your posts above about TTCing. Stop this thinking now. You are strong enough to beat this, to get pregnant, to have another baby, and to deal with anything that comes your way. This negative stuff is tiredness and anxiety talking. It has spiralled up and up out of control and you know you can spiral it down again. Please try. I know it is hard but in your words to me last weekend 'being negative takes a lot of energy' when I said I was tired of being positive all the time. It's the only way out. You have to force yourself to be positive. Please try. If you want this to happen then you can make it happen. You want another baby. Don't let this horrible, horrible anxiety about sleep stop you having what you want and it is only a few nights. You have got yourself off all medication and slept well for the first few nights - that is absolutely amazing. This is a blip. Don't give up on this. You can do it. I know you can!!!!!!

That is so sweet - you need to hold on to those moments next time you feel the horrible negative thoughts coming back :) Your DD sounds so lovely.

Getdown your dreams of another baby are not going anywhere - you're just having a blip.

You really are master of overthinking things - I bet you are sleeping badly because you are worried about sleeping badly and worried that it is because your off meds and what if you can't be off meds...

Don't think lying to cpn is wise or clever. You are still entitled to say ..but I don't want to go back on meds.

Had a look where you live but no too far for me too or I would be on my way.

Here to talk, on mn or fb whenever you need it. You can do this.

Really big hug and lots of prayers

If you're not careful you will have me and madmouse knocking on your door to come and sort you out!!!!!

But I can't have a "blip" like this if I am pregnant can I ?

The thought of going through this, and being pregnant, terrifies me. I think it would just about finish me off.

I won't lie to my CPN, she sees right through me anyway. It's just frustration, that it doesn't reflect how far I've come, or how hard I've been trying.

It makes me so angry that all she sees is this gibbering wreck that can't sleep, when actually I am so much more than that.

Just had a sausage roll. At least I've stopped crying now anyway.

Yes you can survive if you have a blip when pregnant. When you were pregnant with DD did you have the extreme tiredness? I certainly did. I could not physically stay awake past 9pm most nights in the first trimester and after that the physical effort of carting around a load of water and babt exhausted me. However, there was one time when I was pregnant when I had a mini-blip of insomnia. Before DS3 was born I hardly ever had insomnia but I do remember DH went on a course and I was just about 6 weeks pregnant and starting to feel really sick. I got myself in a state one night thinking 'I must, must sleep or I'll damage the baby' and managed to have about 5 hours sleep despite the extreme tiredness. the next night I got about 6 hours. I started to panic about the baby. But the next night it was like my body was saying 'enough already, you need sleep!' and I got out of it.

PS Glad you managed a sausage roll!