Insomnia friends - I will sleep well tonight because I have told my unconscious I will- Part II

[madmouse]

Help we left it too late the old thread is full!!! Hope we all find this one!!!

Morning all, I've just spent nearly an hour trying to tidy and clean some of this tip of a house. Last night I babysat for a friend and it made me cry because her house was just so clean and tidy. It wasn't 'show-home' clean and tidy but just normally clean and tidy and I felt so ashamed. I just don't have time to maintain this house to that level. I know on the grand scheme of things this is small potatoes but I just needed to share! I was worried I was going to have a bad sleep because last night DH was in a strop as he was in charge of getting everyone to bed while I was out and he 'spent 15 minutes searching for a clean sleeping bag for DS3 while DS3 screamed' and 'eventually found the baby monitor which had been left switched on and was flat so no use'. He just has this way of making me feel totally inadequate sometimes :(

Arcadia do you work today? I know you don't work every day now. If you are at home, take it easy today :)

becky if it makes you feel any better, our house is a tip too, and we only have one child so not as much excuse as you have!

I bet that friend you baby sat for had a mega clean up before you came round - bet you it's not like that on a normal week night!

Hey don't worry about the sleeping bag and the monitor, maybe your DH should have done the washing himself if he wanted to know where they were? Or at least been a bit more organised and found it before he started bedtime?

Hoping you did have a good sleep after all then?

I had a good sleep. Met up with my lovely friend at her house last night, and got home at 10pm Went straight to bed. I woke up at 5am but not too bad for me. Just dozed a bit and then got up just after 7.

Hi Sorry I'm a bit grumpy I got myself a bit hysterical yesterday but went to a friend's house last night then decided to sleep with no pills at all and slept OK (awake around 4 tho). Day off work today and DD is snoozing.

Becky I totally agree with Getdown - not everything is your responsibility!

Arcadia ok to be grumpy you had a hard day at work. Glad you slept! Shame about the early wake up though - but you are in the middle of a major re adjustment.

Orangeflutie how are you?

DH just told me I look too sensitive to go to counselling does that about sum it up? I'm scared because I haven't felt this bad for a long long time and I was really nearly better so what is going on??

oh madmouse remember the road to recovery if full of peaks and troughs... it is not a smooth upwards curve. Sometimes it looks like you are no better off than when you started, but actually if you look at the overall picture, you are on the up!

I think you should go to counselling today.

Sorry you woke up early arcadia but well done on sleeping without the pills, that's great.

Getdown I sure am going, was just DH's comment that was telling about what I look like right now. Haven't seen her for two weeks and certainloy don't want to miss it.

Hope it's OK madmouse. I have counselling too today and fully expect to be in tears throughout!

The exams (and the fear of failing) brought some enormous things back up. Counsellor said probably was the biggest thing I ever brought to her and that is saying something.

Just been to my thursday morning bible study. One of the ladies there told me privately that she is 5 weeks pregnant.

I knew it would happen sooner or later.... she said to me "I wanted to tell you because I just knew it would brighten your day!"

Ah well. The perinatal psychiatrist has just emailed me again and said that the mirtazapine was extremely unlikely to have caused the miscarriage, and she said to contact her when I am pregnant again so that was nice.

At the moment, DD is throwing all the cushions from the sofa on the floor. I tried to pick them all up again and she frowned and said "mummy, I am NOT pleased with you!!!"

Sounds like you've uncovered a big issue there madmouse - I too have a fear of failure and I'm sure it's partly why I have a big problem with "pushing myself" or trying anything a little bit too challenging - the risk of failure is too great for me sometimes, so I like to stick wtih what I know I can do. I've been criticised for it in the past and I know I will do again.

arcadia thinking of you with your counselling today too (hugs)

Madmouse you have come a huge long way so far, you know that recovery isn't a linear process, it is peaks and troughs that get less and less as time goes on. You were under a lot of stress with your exam this week and it is often after the stress has been removed (I'm sure you've said this to me too) that things come out with the release of stress.

I have a huge fear of failure and I am always aiming for perfection. I was in tears last night because I can't keep house perfectly and DH obviously gets annoyed at my foibles. He says he doesn't but I could hear it in his voice when I spoke to him on the phone last night from my friend's house.

GetDown I know how hard it is to come across these baby references from other people when you've had an MC. You just feel as if you have to grin and bear it because you can't cry in front of happy pregnant people. A good friend of mine was pregnant at the same time as me when I had my second MC between DS2 and DS3 and every time I saw her I died inside :( It is hard. But look at me now! I have my lovely DS3! You will have your chance again.

Arcadia thinking of you too today xx

thanks becky I knew it would only be a matter of time before someone told me they were pregnant.

I genuinely am pleased for her but kept thinking to myself "I don't know why she's so happy because it might not last"

Hi everyone

Arcadia hope you're ok today. Sorry if I got a bit much yesterday about zopiclone. Hope your counselling session went well.

Madmouse hope you got on ok at counselling too. It's hard at times isn't it? You know it's good to go but it's all very emotional.

Becky I'm not good at keeping house either according to my DH. TBH I find it very hard to keep up with it all. I work three days each week and although it doesn't sound much and is quite rewarding most of the time, it's also mentally and physically exhausting. However today I've a different excuse for not doing housework as I went to my art class. I'm really getting into it now and looking at things again. I'm finding it quite emotional in a way too as it's like my creativity has been locked away for twelve years and now I'm getting excited again. Today we used oil pastels which I have never used before but really enjoyed them. I also come out really hungry must be the concentration:)

GetDown I'm glad you slept well last night. Hope it continues. Have you had any more thoughts about jobs?

Orangeflutie that sounds really wonderful. I want to do something like that, perhaps when DS3 is a little older. I have spent a little bit of time today decluttering and cleaning - I feel better for it. House will always be a mess but I think that's unavoidable with children - I kind of like it. I think it looks unnatural if a house is too tidy when there are children living in it.

I'm feeling a bit better this evening, thanks for your thoughts everyone don't have time to write much, just off to yoga xxx

Glad to hear that arcadia hope you have a good chill out at yoga.

DH is going out tonight, so I'm going to watch the last part of "Single Father" on catch up TV, along with a key lime cheesecake

Feel a bit that my friend is pregnant but not me, but trying to stay positive.

orangeflutie I haven't had anymore thoughts about jobs. My manager emailed me yesterday and said I could call her on her mobile if I wanted, but I didn't. CAn't face thinking about work when I'm not AT work!!

'Single Father' oooh I watched some of that.

GetDown sorry your feeling sad but I know exactly what that's like :( I feel really confident that your time will come again.

I just watched single father, and am crying buckets!!! It was so SO good! Ahhhhhhh!!!!

Not seen anything that makes me cry like that for ages!

things not going very well here - feeling really bad. dh unavailable - having bad day/week himself.

Madmouse im logged on if you want to 'talk'

Thanks Kizzie just feeling totally lost and so hurting from this new memory and what happened in counselling today

madmouse - im going to go in the bath now, had a bit of a mammoth two days at a conference.

Just to say though - i agree with becky re recovery never being a straight lines. I find the troughs particularly bad after a few better days / weeks. Its almost like it hits twice as hard because you have let your guard down.

One of the things ive tried to start doing is to be really kind to myself when things are tough - in the same way I would for a friend.

Hope you get some rest tonight and that tomorrow easier x

aaah you are there. i cant even pretend to know how difficult that must be. im so sorry

Do you think it might be best to call an end to today and try and go to bed?

Too great a risk of 4am waking and then my brain really goes off the rails.

yes i understand that fear of going to bed too early....
is there something really rubbish on tv. hang on i'll go and look at paper

I'm trying to write down my experience to help make sense of it. And hoping my friend will pop along on fb. Can't bring myself to call.