Insomnia friends - I will sleep well tonight because I have told my unconscious I will- Part II

[madmouse]

Help we left it too late the old thread is full!!! Hope we all find this one!!!

Have read your posts. Was away at my mum's til last night.
Am feeling pretty desperate. Have been OK with sleeping but DD going through another bad spell with sleep having picked up a cold at nursery. I just can't bear it. Whenever I start sleeping well, her sleep goes bad, then it completely messes mine up. I was up in the night sobbing at 4.30am because every time I dropped off DD would make a noise again - wriggling in her cot or with a blocked nose, then when she settled I would be on edge. I shouldn't have had a child. I can't handle it.
DP was right that I should have gone away this week but I thought I knew best.
I don't want to stay at my mum's again because she doesn't really help with DD and just goes on about how tired she is all the time even though she doesn't do anything.
I know I sound ungrateful.
Today DD back in nursery and I was supposed to be resting but the plumbers are here and banging around I don't have anywhere else to go today.
I don't know why we're doing this now.
I know it sounds pathetic but I can't handle any sort of stress at all and I just want to die.

Big hug Arcadia

Of course you should have had DD - you could not live without her anyway even if you tried!!

You are just feeling very tired. Remind me how old she is? Does she have to be in your room? (If you wake from her every sniffle sounds like she is - or do you use a baby monitor?? ditch it, she'll wail if she needs you and you will hear it)

This too will pass and you will sleep better again. Do something nice for yourself - you can't stop the plumbers banging but you can make yourself a cup of something soothing and watch some crap telly or read a book xxxx

Arcadia please don't say that. It's only now that you feel bad, you just want things to be different, better. I know how you feel, I'm feeling pretty bad at the moment and as I type all I can hear is drilling and singing (the builders like to sing). The house is a total tip all over. It's hell. But if I can get through this upheavel so can you. DS3 has been waking up in the night too.

I am the most unmaternal person ever, my mum and sister were very shocked when I had first one baby, then two, now three and I really don't think I am handling it well. I say to myself every morning 'I'm not cut out for this motherhood business'. Some people find it much harder than others (some people hide it well). But things won't always be like they are now. Things do change. You will be ok :) I'd invite you round for a coffee if I still lived near-ish to you! We could swap builder / plumber being mother to 10 month old stories!

Hi there thanks you two I have been better then worse and finally feeling a bit calmer now. Has been a manic day and I haven't been able to rest at all.
I react to stress so badly. This is not even really stress. There are people raising children on refugee camps and in famines. That makes me feel even worse - why am I so pathetic? But there is something in my makeup that causes me to respond like this. I don't think I'm 'ill', I think it's just me. I'm very neurotic, basically! I feel it sounds trivial but I think it is quite deep rooted.

Was feeling the stress really building again this evening and DP came home and went straight to bed as he's still not well (but he's with DD now), but strangely giving DD her dinner and interacting with her lifted me out of it a bit. She's such a poppet - and doing brilliantly at nursery, not unsettled by it at all!
Tomorrow she is in nursery all day and I'm going to try and go and crash at my mum's, leave her my phone and go to bed and read and sleep.

Thank you for your understanding, and I know that you both in different ways are going through some similar things, it helps.

Arcadia raising children is VERY STRESSFUL!! I don't care that people 'appear' to do it easily in refugee camps, etc. They are probably just as stressed as we are I reckon, more so in fact. You are not pathetic. I am very similar to you, I am neurotic too. I feel anxious more-or-less all of the time (and when DH took me to Amsterdam the feeling totally disappeared - how guilty did that make me feel? My children make me stressed. It's a fact, and a fact that makes me feel very guilty). But everyone copes with life differently. It's not fair, but that's life.

Glad you're feeling a bit better. They are such lovely poppets it really grounds you to see them being so lovely and cute sometimes :)

Becky I'm not saying people in refugee camps seem to do it easily! - I just mean think how stressful some people's lives are compared to mine, but I can't seem to get perspective!!!

I think we are quite similar Becky , shame we don't live closer to get together for some chats!

I met up with another mum today who I hadn't met before, but she's one of those perfect house-perfect husband-perfectly organised seeming people so it made me feel worse!

I seem to have chilled out a bit now and just realised it's thursday night so cracked open a bottle of wine. Thanks to M&S eat in for a tenner deal we have many bottles of wine, and lots of nice food!

What I forgot to mention in my hysteria is that DD has started having a long sleep after lunch and I've managed to have some really good afternoon snoozes, three days in a row at my mum's. Go me!

Kizzie glad to hear you're feeling a bit brighter. I have faith in you - hang in there!

Afternoon sleeps - yeah! They are the best.

I've had a glass of wine too, it being a Thursday. Sad, isn't it? But I think I need to have these treats every week to keep me sane.

DH and I are watching Dawson's Creek - not sure why!

Morning all. I slept well (despite horrible dream, details on facebook!). I am sure it was because I thought 'it's nearly the weekend' and I had a lovely evening watching Dawson's Creek with DH and chatting with him, and a nice glass of wine with my tea, i.e. just a nice, normal evening reminiscent of pre-sleep-anxiety days.

A friend of mine texted me last night to say our builders, sat in their van outside the house, wolf-whistled her as she walked past with her two children! I'd better have words wtih them later.

I hope you slept better last night Arcadia and your poorly DP and DD did too.

GetDown I hope your are ok, i know you are in Cornwall now but sending you really, really, really big sleep well and stay calm vibes xxxxx

Madmouse how are you today?

Morning Becky - that was a weird dream indeed - thankfully we know you normally have better taste in the other sex!!

Went to a wedding last night, the evening do, in a remote country house 45 mins away. Got home at 10.45, felt tired but fine. No longer spacing out when driving which is what the PTSD did to me - yay. Took time to unwind but as soon as I was in bed bang, no sleep. Tried this relaxing my whole body thing, also in light of trying to get back in touch with my body stuff from counselling but kept getting distracted.

Must have falen asleep at some point but woke again at 2.30 and again at 6.30 when I gave up. I'm shattered

And I know why - a horrible new memory is worming its way in and I don't want it

hi all a better start today. DD slept through - seems even she can't manage more than two really bad nights in a row! - so I slept for six hours solid then another hour or two dozing which is fine. As long as I get the first few hours uninterrupted I feel OK.

DD woke after we were up and so we went in and she was all dozy and squinty, and hair sticking up and just looked so adorable!

Would love to be a fly on the wall when you speak to your plumbers, Becky? . I didn't know workmen still do that, tell them it is so outdated! Glad you slept well too .

Sorry you're tired today Madmouse , but glad your driving is OK.

Hope GetDown is OK - I've thought about her too.

Awake at 6.30am on a Saturday - parrr not fair! I did sleep well though, just wish I was feeling dozy so I could lie in bed until everyone else wakes up.

Madmouse I hope you slept better last night (despite your DH now being poorly as I've seen on FB).

I hope we all have a lovely quiet, stressfree weekend. We're going carpet shopping - woop woop. The bathroom is starting to take shape and the one bedroom is too. More disuption next week though as they are going to start on DS1 and DS2's bedroom. But I'm getting used to 'the men' now and actually will quite miss them when it's all done! If nothing else, they are amusing and provide a bit of background noise (singing along very, very badly to Bryn Adams).

Hi all

Hope Getdown is surviving the weekend ok!

Glad we're all kind of coping.

Becky - dh is coming off very lightly. He did take his anti-migraine stuff and thinks that may have helped with the sickness.

Didn't get to sleep until 1.30 - was chatting on fb until 12 then talking to dh is bed - then we tried to sleep but i was hot and stressed and he kept moving around making me queasy - he was cold and wanted to snuggle up. So I decamped to the spare room where the bed was cool and hard and didn't move and just went zzzzzzzzz. Slept until 6 then 8ish. So tired today...But no complaining as should have gone to bed sooner.

Thanks everyone for the kind words.

Just reading through some of your last posts. My children are older than most of yours. Please dont put yourselves down for finding looking after young children a challenge. It is really really hard.

But honestly it does get easier - particularly the 'physical' side of it.

I find the 'emotional' side more of a challenge now. Helping them cope with the difficult things in life, making sure they are happy, dealing with friendships etc. But they are such lovely company it makes it all worthwhile.

Anyway - you are all doing a brilliant job x

Hi I haven't posted for a while as I've been sleeping well and generally feeling better in myself. However today I went for a run and managed to pull a calf muscle. Ouch:( so guess I won't be out running for a while. I suppose this is what happens when you start to feel better.

I've read through posts and agree with kizzie. The early years are really hard work, but it doesn't last. However like kizzie I've older children and there are now different challenges. At the moment I'm trying to choose a secondary school for my eldest and it's a difficult decision. I've got to get it right for her as the others will follow her there.

Hope you all have a good night tonight x

P.S I went to see DH's niece today and she has two DS, one two and a half and one 9 months and a three month old puppy, very brave:)

hi all - just logging in from my mum's house.
Everything just went really stressful last night. Had got DD off to bed but then DP started feeling sick and ill and went off to bed with a bucket. Like some of you I am a bit of an emetphobe and thought oh s**t we are all going to get this vomiting bug and be stuck in a house with no bathroom (just the toilet can be used at the moment - the room doesn't even have a window now - just a hole in the wall!). Anyway then DD started coughing and crying and I was going between the two rooms. So anxious didn't think I'd get any sleep, but did get some.
Then this morning DP had really bad pains and couldn't move, we had to call the emergency doctor. Meanwhile the plumber was stressing as he got turned away from the rubbish dump with the waste from our bathroom and was tramping through the house, DD was crying, I just thought I am going to lose it, big time!
Luckily DM came to collect DD and took to her house then DP and I went to doctors and he has bad virus needs to rest for a week! We have now come to DM's and are probably going to go to DP's parents after that. Bathroom will be at least another week.
ANYWAY I am surviving I suppose but hugely anxious and unsettled and only three weeks til I return to work! I was so tempted to ask the docs for some tranqilisers/sedatives today but I wasn't even the patient so probably wouldn't have got any. I just seem to be getting really hysterical about things at the moment, god knows how I'll cope with work.

Thanks for the comments about caring for young children. DD is delightful at the moment; I just can't cope with early mornings when I haven't slept well (or she hasn't slept well). DP can't really help with her at the mo as he can't really lift her so it is tough - he usually helps so much.

Glad your bathroom is going OK Becky and glad your getting used to it. It is a bit invasive though, isn't it, and our house is tiny as it is.

Arcadia I would get hysterical about that - I think you are coping brilliantly!!!!

Hope dp gets better soon xx

Arcadia I would have been panicky in that situation. I am an emetphobe and if DH had gone to bed with a bucket I would have really flapped badly. So you coped really well it sounds. There is a bug going around DS1 and DS2's school and I am feeling quite tense about it. DS3 was unsettled last night waking three times but I slept well between wakings although I have a sore throat today, another lurgie (but I don't mind colds!).

Ah well, builders back tomorrow. I am so desperate for a bath. It'll be at least another week and a half before they are done. The top floor will look lovely though I hope when it is all done. DS3 won't be in a pink bedroom anymore!

Hi all, we're back. I've been reading all your posts - missed you all! Sorry that things have been a bit stressful for you arcadia. Good to see that you are all keeping going though and getting enough sleep overall.

The weekend was just about as bad as I had feared, emotionally, sleep-wise, everything really. Being cooped up with my parents, brother, DH, DD all my cousins, aunt etc. It brought out a lot of issues for me . I basically always feared family holidays as a child because my dad was so unpredictable. He can fly off into rages and be extremely rude to people. My mum is timid and anxious. We all creep around him as if on eggshells.

However, since I moved away from home for uni (over 10 years ago now) things have been less "intense" and I can cope with family gatherings on a small scale. However, when we are all staying in the same house I feel the tension building again, and this is exactly what I feared about this weekend.

I felt my mood really take a dip on the first day, so by the evening I was really craving solitude, but there was no where to go as DD was put to bed and she was in our room so nowhere to hide. I went and had a cup of tea on my own in the kitchen. My dad came in and basically exploded at me, accusing me of being really moody, ruining everything, making mum upset etc. etc.

I felt like a tiny child again and basically begged him to stop shouting at me . Although I was cowering on the outside, inside I was boiling with rage that he could still make me feel like that - I am 30 years old for crying out loud. I feel to a certain extent much of my anxiety / panic can be linked back to early childhood where I basically felt terrified of my dad .

He is not a very "touchy-feely" person (I can't remember ever being hugged by him), but when I broke down in the kitchen he put his arm round me, and said he was sorry . This has never happened before. He said a load of stuff, too tired to tell it all now, but it basically all came out.

DH says this is an answer to prayer - the start of things changing. I really need to find a way to forgive him - and my mum - for everything that happened. DH says I am my own person now, and cannot blame how I react to situations on them anymore. I really need to stop being moody and grumpy with them. It's so hard.

It was such an emotionally charged weekend Needless to say, sleep was pretty shot to pieces, ended up taking a zopiclone for two of the nights and back to 15mg mirtazapine for the other night . I'm hoping to go back to my reduced dose tonight, but who knows how I will be tonight....

Shattered.

GetDown big, big hugs to you sweetie. It sounds like you've had a really emotional roller coaster weekend. But it's over. You're back.

I agree that forgiveness is good. I don't know much detail about your background but I've had to forgive both my parents for various things - and although it's not totally 'yeah we love each other' stuff it has made things so, so much better between us, esp with my dad and stepmother. It's like a weight lifted. It's not easy though but I guess part of it is realising that parents aren't experts, they make mistakes, they do stupid things, they make the wrong decisions on how to bring us up, how to behave, what to say, what not to say, etc. I didn't really consider this until I had children myself. It's hard being a parent.

Glad you're back though, we've all been thinking about you!!!! Your sleep will get better now you are back, I am sure of it.

What is your PST for tonight?

Aww thanks becky you are very kind to me

PST for tonight "I will sleep well tonight because I'll be back in my own bed and the weekend I have been fearing for so long, is over".

xxx

Hi all and hey GetDown glad you're back in one piece! Sounds like you had a really difficult time but it also sounds like it could be really positive in a way, too, if things can shift in your family dynamics. Well done for getting through it even though you found it really hard , I'm sure you'll relax and sleep better now you're home.

We all missed you and thought about you!

Still a bit stressful here but I think we'll get through it. Will post a bit more tomorrow. Haven't stopped this evening and need to sit down with my herbal tea and watch a bit of telly to wind down before bed.

Getdown

Thinking of you - be very very kind to yourself - you deserve it. And if ou need something to help you sleep well so be it the world will not end and you will not be back to square one either - normality starts tomorrow xxx

Mornning all, I had a thrashing-around-in-the-early-hours night. I'm starting to get really stressy about this bug going around DS1's school - it sounds similar to the one Arcadia's DP has - sickness and pains, high temp. I am really, really scared of sickness, especially myself being sick. I haven't actually properly thrown up since I was 16 (22 years ago) I think because I'm so scared of it. I've been very close a number of times (including when pregnant with DS3). I know I can't avoid stomach bugs for ever and I have sort of made it much more likely having three children! But it does make me very panicky.

I hope everyone sleeps well today - another week of chaos here with builders. How long are yours going to be around for Arcadia?

On a positive note I rode my bike to town and back on Saturday and it was fantastic (although I had to stop on the hilly bits - I am soooo unfit!!).

Morning all! So DP has been signed off sick for a week by the emergency doctor on Saturday ; he has a virus which has affected him badly because he was quite run down, so he needs to rest a lot. He hasn't vomited, thank goodness! He can't really lift DD so I have to do everything with her.

We've mainly been at DM's over the weekend and she was fairly helpful I have to say, but didn't get up til nearly 10am on Sunday morning even though I was up with DD from 7am ! It's not as though she works in the week either! Oh well, I'm starting to accept that she helps when and how she wants to rather than how I think she should.

I had another lovely afternoon snooze yesterday but then took a while to get to sleep last night and was really anxious about the coming week. I took a nytol and half a temazepam - just 5mg as I was so anxious . Got about six hours sleep as DD up early today.

Builders only half way through the bathroom, so at least another week, and our plumber is a bit neurotic! We still only have the toilet so can't really live here, and DP can't rest with the plumbers in the house. They're not here today, but we're going to london to DP's parents tomorrow.

Everything seems to be upside down at the moment and I'm not getting to see any of my friends or go to any of my groups. Also doing all the early mornings is tough but good for me in a way I suppose. I feel really unsettled and going back to work three weeks today, and know it will be so stressful there.

I know what you mean about the sickness Becky. In a funny way you may be better about it if you were sick but if you've managed not to be in all that time it suggests that you won't be, as I'm sure that your boys have been ill with it in the past.

Good job with the cycling Becky! It's great exercise and a feeling of freedom too! .

DD at nursery today so I'm going back to bed now for a cuddle with DP now .