Insomnia friends - I will sleep well tonight because I have told my unconscious I will- Part II

[madmouse]

Help we left it too late the old thread is full!!! Hope we all find this one!!!

Hi Madmouse, I just wanted to say that in my experience the really tough therapy sessions tend to be the most productive ones :)x

Hi all

Have given up on sleep for today as have been awake since 4.00. I keep waking up a bit too early recently feeling hot and my eyes keep getting sore.

I've been struggling a bit over the last few days trying to keep up with everything. It's all a bit too busy and I'm frightened I'm starting to go down again as I feel more anxious about things.

DH still hasn't got a job, which is a huge worry as money is tight and Christmas is looming. I went to Tescos yesterday and felt sick at the piles of mince pies and chocolates already.

When my doctor last saw me, she said to phone her in six weeks to let her know what I had decided about my ADs. Part of me wants to speak to her sooner as I don't think I'm doing that well at the moment, but she'll probably say to increase my dose again and I'm just not sure what to do for the best.

GetDown I totally relate to what you said about your CPN. Four/six weeks seems to be the way it goes before you see someone to talk to and I find the same, that it is so random and often when you see these people they don't get the full picture.

I think my doctor now feels she can back off a bit and this should make me happier as hopefully I am getting better, but at the moment I think I probably need to see her more often. However I am worried she'll think I'm wasting her time. I work as a carer and regularly see people whose problems seem much worse than mine so I understand doctors get very busy and often there simply aren't enough hours in the day.

Anyway sorry to write such a depressing post:( Just feel like I need to write it down to get it all out of my head.

I'm hoping I have a less busy day as I'm not working today and that might help a bit.

Hi Orangeflutie - sorry you are feeling so down but glad you have taken the time to get it all out 'on paper'

You say you keep waking up hot - is that from tosing and turning or is there anything you can do about that? I often get hot because i have a cold-y dh who likes warm-ish bedrooms, closed blinds etc. When he's away I sleep with windows open, blinds open and bedroom door open and that does help. Is there anything you can do?

Getdown and Kibbutz thank you - Kibbutz I just said that to someone else today, that the painful sessions are the most productive ones.

I need ot talk about what happened but it is too hard on here and I would have to give too much context.

Another bad night despite going to bed on time - hope work goes ok..

Hi guys, I didn't sleep well last night. For some stupid reason I just started worrying about not sleeping (stupid idiot) and talking to the CBT woman yesterday about sleep just made me think about it all again. I did fall asleep around 1am though, awake at 6am, not the end of the world. Sigh.

The bathroom men are here and very noisy. We now don't have a bath in the sittingroom anymore though, just my bike!

Becky you are not a stupid idiot and it is mighty unhelpful to call yourself that - it's a normal human response to worry about not sleeping when you can't sleep!!!!

And you got 5 hours of sleep - enough to get you through the day xxx

You will be fine and sleep lots better tonight x

Hi all,

Not a great night for me either. Was awake till 2:30, woke again at about 7. DH put DD in front of Cbeebies and I was able to doze till about 8:30.

But it's rubbish.

I am alternating good and bad nights very regularly now,.

Not getting enough sleep is the pits isn't it? I feel too tired today to do anything really:(

Hope we all sleep better tonight.

P.S. Madmouse I had the window open last night but am often hot at night. Probably hormones.

you're right orangeflutie is really is the pits

Madmouse I consider myself told off!!!

You're right though. It is normal to worry about not sleeping enough. I think these men are causing me so much stress. DS3 is asleep and they are banging away like mad at the mo. I can't stop them banging though when he has a nap. I'm trying to do a bit of work.

GetDown 'tis not fair, but we will sleep better tonight.

Hi ladies, what a roller-coaster eh? I don't know about anyone else, but I am perimenopausal:( I sometimes feel as though I'm caught up in some kind of "Menopausal disaster movie!" I also have PTSD, which seriously doesn't help me cope with any of this :( I would say that before all this trauma, I really wasn't aware how bad things could get!
I think for me, (because of my childhood abuse) my body/nervous system have been on "heightened alert" for many many years :( Adding to this, smoking, drinking, rape, abusive relationships (all of which I fought very hard to stop 5 years ago, and succeeded)
Madmouse I don't know about you, but I have learnt that all the self-sabotage and self-inflicted destructive behaviour was just a SCREAM for help :( Which no-one heard, apart from my inner-child :)
Sexual abuse carries a hideous legacy, which I don't think most people can even begin to understand, and why would they want to?
I feel destroyed every day by the fact that only I can "heal" myself, and that the perpetrator (my older brother) doesn't give me a second thought....
I don't believe that "justice prevails" in this world, perhaps in the next....?
I haven't slept for more than 4 hours a night in 5 years, as my nights are filled with abject terror, where I jump out of my bed, heart pounding so fast, run to the kitchen for I don't know what..... My fight or flight mechanism is always on red alert, and I don't know how to switch it to green :(
I won't even begin to tell you the terrible things that I have been through,if you knew you wouldn't be surprised that I am going through this nightmare now :(
I am of the belief that if we suffer abuse or neglect as small children, and have nowhere to turn for help, we internalize everything, and become "silent" or "invisible" in our suffering :( I think we then carry this into adulthood...I don't know how to ask for help, because it is alien to me, and in my experience nobody listens anyway!
I attend a rape survivor's group once a month, and all I want to do is scream... the other group member's said I can't as that will make them feel uncomfortable :( Anyone have any ideas of where I can "vent" with other sufferers? Group psychotherapy was no good either, as we weren't allowed to get angry or emotional!
Where do people go before they end up in hospital, or worse...?
I truly hope I haven't upset anyone, but I really am feeling so desperate today xx

oh kibbutz83 I am so sorry you are feeling so desperate. You really need to vent these feelings I can't believe you have been in therapeutic settings where they have not allowed this.

I know you can't literally scream on here, but you know you can always talk to us, and we will listen. It is so, so hard, but I believe talking with others who have been through similar ordeals such as madmouse can help you, because they truly know what it feels like.

You should be able to scream. Is there a way you could hit out at something safely, eg. a punchbag or a cushion.

It is so awful. Looking at my two year old I can see how vulnerable her little self esteem is and how she is so affected by what I think of her (at the moment she is going through a phase of constantly asking "are you pleased with me?"). It is totally heart breaking to think of a little child like her being so terribly abused.... the devastation on that person is total as they grow into an adult

However you and madmouse are survivors. You need to hold on to that fact. Maybe you have been negatively shaped by what has happened, but you can also work on these engrained thinking patterns.. I believe the brain is very adaptable and can re-learn ways of thinking and undo damage to a certain extent. Please don't give up trying, ok?

Kibbutz - I've sent you a private message with my facebook and messenger details - find me if you want to talk

Thankyou so much getdown and madmouse :)
It helps just to know that there are people who care... sometimes this world can feel like a very cold place. It's also reassuring to know that I'm not alone :) xx

Morning all

How have we slept?

I'm getting a bit down and worried now - I did my best, went to bed on time, drank Valerian tea, read to relax still tossed and turned, dreamed, woke up in the night, woke up early.

I'm shattered and stressed and under the weather - the laryngitis I had weeks ago seems gone but in the evening I still get a sore throat on one side and I have pain and i think swollen glands by that ear. And a cold again.

My body seems struggling to get a grip on things.

Don't know what to do about it

Sorry to hear that madmouse you do sound run down. Viruses can hang around in your system for ages... maybe the laryngitis has not quite cleared up.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things re. sleep. So frustrating though when it doesn't work, isn't it? Seems that sometimes you can do everything right, but your brain still won't let you sleep.

I had a lovely relaxing bath last night and crawled into bed about 10pm. Woke up once at 2:30 but managed to get back to sleep and woke again at 7am. So a good night for me.

But I am continuing in the pattern of one good night, one bad night etc. etc. Although I am grateful for the good nights, it just doesn't seem sustainable to keep going like this.

I am down to 3.75 mirtazapine (a quarter tablet) which i am really pleased about though. If I can stabilise on this dose I think I would be happy to TTC.

madmouse are you still taking the st. johns wort?

I'm sure that when you get over the physical illness you will feel much better (I always feel a lot more depressed and sorry for myself when I get a cold).

Hi everyone

I slept well last night probably due to the bad night the night before. I woke about 6.30, a bit early for Saturday morning but I do seem to be more of a lark lately. Decided to go for a run as a beautiful morning so am feeling good at the moment.

Madmouse sorry you didn't have a good night despite doing your best. I agree with GetDown in that everything feels worse when you're feeling ill and ear pain is particularly horrible. I'm dreading getting colds this Winter as they really knock me back. I normally end up with a chest infection which then means I can't run for ages and running gets rid of a lot of stress and keeps me sane:)

Hope you feel better soon x

yay! Well done orangeflutie - I need to do some running again. I love the way you come back and feel so tingly and energised. Haven't been for a few weeks now.

I really need someone to talk sense to me.

I have got hold of this idea that I could quit my job!!

Basically a third of what I earn goes on nursery fees. If I quit we could stop nursery (she would still go to preschool so get some input that way, and me some free time).

Then my mum wouldn't have to come any more for two nights a week (causes me stress and tension).

AND I wouldn't have to worry about sleep so much.

But is that nuts? I basically have 10 years local government continuous service. So would lose that benefit. Also would I be crazy not to just hang in there and then get maternity leave....

I don't know, just going through a mad moment.

Maybe I'm the wrong person to ask because of the decisions I have made for myself recently but I'm not personally in favour of staying with things that don't work for some future benefit.

What does the 10 years continuous benefit entail?

Hanging in there for maternity leave before you are even pregnant (unless....)

I've stepped back from the job surpervising 6 lawyers to a job supporting a team of lawyers in a part legal/part admin role. Love it. Half an hour cycling from home, at the end of the day shut down puter and forget about work. Perfect. 1/3 paycut, yeh shame but there will be more time later to do heavy duty legal stuff again.

I get to see Nathan more and am less stressed - after all the last thing I need right now is worry about work at 4am

So if this would work for you maybe you should think about it in earnest. Life is too short. Just don't make rash decisions.

sorry got carried away by the thought of you already being pregnant - meant to say hanging in there for maternity leave before you're even pregnant may be daft thing to do

No I'm definitely not pregnant.... I am 100% sure.... sometimes being obsessive about my cycle and taking my temp every morning can be a bad thing

You're right, but am I crazy to throw in a relatively stress free job and 10 years continuous service? (you get extra leave, pension benefits etc.)

Oooo I just don't know.

I got a little bit excited about it earlier.

But I'd have to make sure it was for the right reasons and not because of just being lazy--

My instinct is hold on for a while GetDown. The way things are at the moment a job is precious and a part time job in something you are qualified in is even more so. Just think of the extra time you'd have to worry about sleep as well! I really think that the 'normality' of work can help with day to day functioning, and you have the contrast of the relaxation on your days off. Provided you like your colleagues and aren't overly stressed, surely it is worth carrying on?
But if you do go on to have another baby, that may be the time to jack it in as once you have two lots of child care arrangements to make and the extra expense etc. then it probably isn't financially worth it to go back.
Anyway that is just my opinion - just give it some thought.

BTW I thought of you today. I was reading the Guardian magazine and they recommended promethazine for morning sickness. If that is the same promethazine that is in sominex then it is worth knowing that it can be taken during pregnancy - maybe find out about that? I don't know if the somniex helped you though? It does me.

I am sleeping really well at the moment. Not to brag, just to share the good times as well as the bad! .

thanks arcadia I know that you are right. A part time job with low stress is hard to come by and I shouldn't just quit really.

Sigh.

A big factor for me is my mum coming every week and staying two nights. It's quite frustrating and adding to my stress levels. It would be so nice to not have that stress anymore. It makes me sad because I used to be so close to my mum, but this arrangement with her staying two nights a week has really made me start to boil with annoyance I need to just get over myself, but it's hard

Thanks for the info re. promethazine. That is interesting news. Unfortunately I haven't found the sominex all that helpful for sleep. It helped the first night I took it, but could have been because that was the night I went back to 15mg mirtazapine. I had one the night before last and I was awake till 2:30am

I don't know what it is, whether I lie there thinking "it's going to work in a moment" and because I am thinking like that it just doesn't work. I make it too conscious. Arrgh my stupid brain.

Glad it works for you though, that proves it does work, so maybe I should give it another try Do you still alternate Nytol and Sominex weeks?

Thanks for your advice arcadia. You're right that the routine of having to get up for work helps normalise my body clock. And also that the days "off" are more special in some way.

How are you feeling abotu work now? Has DD settled a bit more in nursery?

GetDown I just thought I'd mention the promethazine I got from the doctors comes in 25mg tablets and you can take one or two.

If I'm really desperate I take two and that usually knocks me out:) Don't know if the Sominex you can get over the counter is the same strength?

thanks orangeflutie I will check the box. I just bought it over the counter so perhaps it's a lower dose.