If you are a parent, please be brutally honest

[TheLuckyPearlCat]

Is it worth having kids?
Do you regret them? Do they massively improve your life? Do the benefits outweigh the cons?
For context, I'm in my 30s, happy with my life, have a loving partner, friends and family, love to travel and go out doing activities on a regular basis. We live in London with stable jobs etc. I don't feel anything is missing but I'd love to know what you really think. Please don't hold back!

I wouldn't say they improve 'your' life, they change your life and you don't have as much money, you can't be selfish and do what you want when you want, holidays are different. So they change that part of your life where everything is about what you want to do.

However, what they do is bring so much happiness, laughter and joy. Watching their little faces laugh and light up during different experiences. Holidays, birthdays etc. are all about doing something that makes them happy and have fun, and watching them love life is the best thing in the world.

I wouldn't change having kids for anything, I absolutely love my life with them. It's not your life any more, it's a joint life with them and it's magical!

Hmm…
If I look back at the last 20+ years, the answer is NO.
If I look forward to the next 20+ years, Yes I enjoy the time with my dcs and having a family around me. A really positive thing just now.

If I had to decide now to have children, I wouldn’t do it.
It’s not just the toll having children has. It’s the state of the world, climate change and the quality of life those children will have (Youve probably guessed im very pessimistic about it).

It is worth it FOR ME. Doesn't mean it would be for someone else.

We don't travel anymore, but that's mainly due to finances. If you're wealthier then you can still travel with kids and plenty of our friends do.

We don't have active social lives anymore either due to lack of babysitting and not wanting to pay for commercial sitters. However plenty of our friends have willing DPs who babysit frequently to enable their social lives or alternatively pay babysitters and they have more active social lives than us, so again that's doable potentially depending on circumstances.

Improve our life...well I feel so, I love them to bits, they bring me so much joy every day. But they are also hard work, tiring, and bring me stress and frustration. My kids are 6, 3 and newborn.

My only advice is to manage your expectations. It bring immense joy but alongside a multitude of emotions. It's a rollercoaster - just be mindful that it's not all plain sailing

Well I did too (and do).

But taking things in your stride when you’re not the ‘main’ parent (which I’m assuming your dh isn’t - thanks patriarchy) isn’t the same than if you’re a single mum for example.

And you’d better not get ill or disabled, divorced etc….
All of which are not unlikely at all.

The choice of other parent is absolutely critical. The benefits do not necessarily outweigh the cons. The risks to your sanity, wealth, creative interests, marriage and friendships are extremely high.

I hope my 3 do something positive and useful with their lives.

But to be perfectly honest, after 20 years, mothering has wiped me out completely.

Look after yourself.

If nothing is missing for you then don't have any.

There is a chance you could have one and pretty much have to give up your life all together. Some children don't grow up and leave the nest some need caring for the rest of their/your life.

Obviously no one has a crystal ball but if you don't yearn for it and accept the very hard possibilities and still yearn for it. Then just live your life. A life without your own children is just as wonderful meaningful and joy filled. There are plenty of other ways to be a mother/ to nurture.

I have two grown up children who I live with all my heart, and I would never regret having them.

However - when I look at the way the world is going with the environment, the threat of WW3, the nhs on its knees etc, I'm not sure I'd have one now.

Yes, I know there's always been wars going on in the world, and there are always issues to contend with, but it feels to me like we are in a worse state than we've ever been in my lifetime.

I'm aware I sound like a negative nelly but my dc are living very fulfilled lives, currently without kids but with time to have them - and while all my friends are desperate for grandchildren I don't feel like that. I would love to have grandchildren but I'd be constantly scared for their future, and I feel like they should just focus on enjoying their freedom/life as it is.

It's such an individual decision, people all have different circumstances (which makes a huge difference to your experience of being a parent), and different things they enjoy.

Personally I'd say unless someone actively wants children it's best they don't. It's obviously a huge commitment, and there are other ways to lead just as fulfilling of a life. My personal experience is that as much as I do love DS, it is pretty consuming and the autonomy you lose over your own life is quite a shock even though logically you know it'll be the case beforehand. I'd always choose to have DS specifically again, but if I could go back in time I wouldn't feel like I'd missed out on anything if we remained childfree; we were fortunate enough to have a fulfilling and enjoyable existence beforehand with plenty of people we love dearly in our lives.

I guess the crux is that it's different- for some better, for some worse.

Wouldn't be without my daughter, she's the best thing in my world. Yes when small you can't be as spontaneous but that come back as they get older, she's 8 now and we just randomly decide to do days out, go for lunch together etc.
We holiday abroad 3 times a year to different places, she'll happily go on a 7-8 mile walk as that's what she's grown up doing. Her little cousins are the same as that's how they've grown up.
Thankfully she can tolerate a lot, can stay up until nearly midnight if we're at an evening event/on holiday watching a show/have a late flight back from holiday.
I do have less money though as send her to clubs plus paying school lunches/trips etc. All totally worth it. I found sticking at 1 kept things easier for us.

If you're happy now I wouldn't.

It's a huge decision.

They don't improve your life. They add something. But I wouldnt say improve it. They made us feel like a family. But when we met it was a common goal - we both wanted children together. But it ended my career (I gave it up happily but the break made it very difficult to return). It changed our dynamic as a couple. It changed my identity from being Monday to being X's mum.
We could no longer be spontaneous.
I could no longer travel with him on his frequent work trips abroad (did this twice with kids but didn't really work, had a great time travelling with him without kids).
The underlying stress and anxiety around raising kids changes you and your relationship in ways hard to articulate here.
You start to get your 'life back' or rather your sense of identity back when they are about 8-10. Teenagedom can be an absolute minefield though.
I always think if on the fence about having kids don't. They will show up every crack in your relationship. Things are very rarely 50/50 afterwards and that can be tough and cause resentment. You really have to subsume your needs for theirs and that can be surprisingly hard.

I adore my boy more than anything in the world, he is truly the best and most amazing thing to ever happen to me, but I have dreamed of having children since I was a child myself. If you don't feel that way, you shouldn't feel any pressure to have a child as it's not right nor wrong to want to be a parent. You still have time to see how/if your thoughts change though as time goes by, I didn't have mine until I was 37

My kids have enhanced my life. It's been a struggle at times. Childbirth and sleep deprivation are killers.
There's more stress but there's also more fun, laughter and adventure.

Do I sometimes miss my old life? Yes, I suppose for now I miss things I could freely do then. Do I regret having my son? Absolutely not. If I could go back, I'd do it again. He's my world! He's only just under 3 but that's how i feel right now. Life changes drastically, but I love it, so far.

Once you have them you love them, but there are a myriad of life choices that can enrich, add meaning and joy to your life.

I love my DC, but it is a lot of work.

I wouldn’t be without my DC for anything. It was tough - for a lot of the time we had little money but we had fun and love in the house. I am best friends with DD. My GD has just started uni rang me last night to tell me how something we discussed when she was about 8 had helped her through the week. I wouldn’t have missed that for the world.

@TheLuckyPearlCat I suspect you’ll get very different answers depending on where in their life people are.

A lot of women love the baby stage so of course, if you ask the mum of a 3yo, they’ll be delighted.
Ask them again when said child is a teen (for whatever reason it seems people who loved the baby stage find the teen period hard work) and you’ll probably get a different answer.
Ask again parents whose dcs are now adults and you’ll probably yet again get different answers.
Or ask mothers who ended up single mothers.

I think the situation is also different now vs 20 years ago when I had mine.
When my dcs were little, many people looked down in women who didn’t stay at home with their baby/toddlers. Now you’re more likely to get ‘what? You’re not working ?!?’ with the huge pressure of ‘having it all’ and not be a burden on your partner whilst still been expected to shoulder 90% of the parenting and HW.
Someone said you needed to chose the father wisely. I’d say Yes. But also, can you do it alone because the chance of you being in that place isn’t low.

My kids are my absolute world but having them has made life hard with work/childcare etc. That would be fine but one of my kids is disabled and the LA won't provide him a school place so I now cannot work and am sentenced to a life as a carer. I can't pay off my mortgage or into a pension. When my son becomes an adult if he's had enough independence to move out I am then facing going back to work with no up to date skills close to retirement age. His dad did as men are able to do and fucked off leaving me to cope. Even being a single parent to a disabled child would be ok but the lack of a school place (a very common problem with the education system) has fucked my life so much. I try to resent the LA not my child but it's hard to have a shadow of a life and not resent the child who's needs have done this.

I honestly think if you are not sure that means you do t want a child. And if you do want a child you need to think about if you can parent a disabled child without support and single. It's never the child fault and if you do need to give everything up for your child you need to do it without resentment

I'm a parent of 19/20yo's. Becoming parents was hard for us. It has been a great journey with some wonderful moments. But there have been some very difficult times. If we hadn't had the children I am sure we could have found fulfilling lives with other aspects - we have loads of interests and ideas.

I don't think there's a wrong answer. Bringing up children is both hugely demanding and hugely rewarding - it's really hard to say "is it worth it" because of course a human is worth it ONCE THEY EXIST. It can bring out the best and worst in you. And also there is a lot that you don't really have control over.

IMO it's more a case of , whichever you decide, make the most of it and don't have regrets. Getting bitter over something you missed out on is the only waste of time. But I would say,not having DC gives a lot of space and time in your life for something else purposeful (travel, a more interesting or fulfilling occupation), take the opportunities.

That's not what i said. Please don't put words in my mouth.

The OP was asking for honesty about having kids and that is what I'm giving.

Dh sounds fab and so do you. X

Well you're very sweet!

I like to think DH and I balance each other out. He gets on with things without moaning and I....don't :P

Thank you for policing my language.
I am saying “BUT”. I know what I’m saying.

I too am neurodiverse - just not as obviously ND as either of my brothers, and as such this was not picked up until recently, despite many obvious signs.

My child is very hard to parent. He has been since the start. My parenting journey is not easy. It is not helped by the constant “he seems fine” “he doesn’t look autistic” “why label?” And “well everyone is a bit autistic” crap. Now I have a diagnosis on paper I have a new set of critics to contend with…

I can also say that my life as a ND woman has been really hard - the usual story about continual bouts of anxiety, depression, super high achievement, eating disorders, burn out etc. Never ever feeling normal. Being labelled as “brave and just” when I have no idea that I’m speaking for the room and risking my job etc. Yes … it’s just being a person but in my own personal experience it’s not been the easiest way to be a person.

Whilst we are not meant to wish for different lives/children etc., I do really very much wish that my own life had been easier and that my son - as wonderful and hilarious and clever as he is, was easier to parent and had an easier life before him.

I am absolutely throwing myself behind being an affirmative empowering parent of an autistic child - very possibly I am going to have to give up my career for it. But no it is not easy, and yes I do wish it was different.

Maybe that is really ableist of me but the OP asked for honesty.

OP take note - having a child comes with judgement at every single turn.

@LazJaz