If you are a parent, please be brutally honest

[TheLuckyPearlCat]

Is it worth having kids?
Do you regret them? Do they massively improve your life? Do the benefits outweigh the cons?
For context, I'm in my 30s, happy with my life, have a loving partner, friends and family, love to travel and go out doing activities on a regular basis. We live in London with stable jobs etc. I don't feel anything is missing but I'd love to know what you really think. Please don't hold back!

It's pot luck just like most of life's big decisions.
No one has the opportunity of knowing what their life would have been like if they didn't take the plunge either way, you could have regrets either way.
If you're not sure then caution is probably best.

The world is rapidly changing, it's clear more people isn't what's needed and the birth rate is in decline.
The norm of having children is going to change how it feels to not have children, you won't be in the minority in the future.
It's an opportunity to pour your time, energy & money into other pursuits.

I think the only good reasons to have a kid/ kids is that you want to love and nurture a child and feel like you have the capacity and resources to do it and are reasonably prepares and willing to put maximum effort in and to try to cope with anything that should go wrong.

Being child free is the best decision I ever made

The love you feel for a child is like no other and unimaginable until you have children. The joy and pain is immeasurable and definitely worth it.

Why are you saying your son is amazing BUT neurodiverse? Do you mean to say that you son is amazing AND he is ND??
Being ND is not considered to be a negative trait. It's just being a person.

You wouldn't have kids and then regret them.
If you don't have kids, then you wouldn't realise what you don't have so wouldn't miss it.

I’ve never felt love like it. All three of them
make me smile, laugh and feel protective like never before. We have a great time and laugh so much.

But, it’s constant. There are almost no days off and the financial side of it is very impactful. It prevents us from investing for our futures at the level we really want/need.

There are emotional times when school isn’t going well. Spats between them that get nasty. The house is very cluttered with their possessions. There’s always someone who needs something so domt
expect to have much peace when they’re young.

It also makes you see your own parents for what they really were when you were a kid. And how much hassle it can be managing grandparents and their expectations / ignoring of our boundaries.

It was worth it for us although many a time I’ve questioned it. For some it certainly isn’t.

I didn’t think I was ready.

When you’re younger you have a “plan”. I wanted to be married with kids by 25. I got to 23 and thought absolutely fucking not 😂 I was with my now husband then as well, I just wasn’t ready.

We had a discussion early last year about starting to try for a baby in May 2023. A week later I was holding a positive test. I was excited, but terrified because it was quicker than we’d planned, we still had things we wanted to do, we weren’t financially as sound as I would have liked. April 2023 we lost the baby and my world imploded. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever been though and We started trying again as soon as possible. I am currently watching my 7m scuttling round the floor and she is our world.

It’s been hard work, the loneliness has been so much harder than expected and I have an incredibly supportive husband who is amazing with DD, very hands on and shares the load. But everyone else who said “can’t wait for you to be on maternity, we can meet up” has no interest after they’ve first met baby. You get to 4+ months and you’re still a new parent, you’re still learning and the support from outside is much less. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. We will hopefully have another one in a couple of years.

We have done loads on mat leave, we still have time for us, we have had a lot of theatre/gigs/days out booked this year because I went rouge when we lost our first baby and booked everything I could to look forward to. We are going away in 2 weeks for 2 nights just the two of us.

She has enhanced our lives, we cannot imagine life without her now.

I feel my life would be better if i hadn't have had mine. But i do love them. But its a challenge.

I also don't think most will say what they really think on this front... there's a sigma at possible regret.

It also depends on what your life was like before kids. Mine was great. And now it's not so great and I'm either working or parenting or exhausted so that's the reality for me.

It also depends on the child you have they're all unique. Mine are hectic and friends with sweet little girls who do colouring in seem to like parenting more than i do!

I love it, but I always thought I would. Never considered being child free as something I’d choose.

i have close friends who have chosen to remain child free - they love kids but don’t want to give up their freedom which I totally understand and agree is right for them.

i think it’s a hard to separate the societal pressure of what you so called should be doing, your hormones and your own needs.

Me and DP planned to be child free. Child happened anyway. 17 years later and I have an extra person in my life who brings me immense amounts of joy every single day. Whether we're arguing about politics, getting my ass kicked at Mario Kart, or just out for a walk, my life is better for my daughter being a part of it.

Would I have been happy child free? Yes, I'd have travelled more, worked less, worried less.

But I'm equally happy, a different kind of happy to have my child in my life.

There really ought to be some kind of imperative to post the ages of one's DC on threads like these and the circumstances in which one is parenting them. It'll help you sift: you need to be asking parents who are careworn and threadbare from parenting teens through EAs and going off the rails, and parents of sick or disabled children, and parents of children with SEN. Asking someone who really wanted children and who is now parenting a squishy toddler and a precocious 6-year old with no additional needs, and who both sleep well, is neither here nor there. Of course they're going to say it is peak satisfaction.

If I'd parented a couple of DC like DC1, I'd tell you it was the loveliest thing I'd ever done (while crediting my evidently awesome mothering for DC's sooper-dooperness) and highly recommended parenthood, with the caveat to bear the changing climate in mind.

Instead, I feel compelled to tell you about DC2 whose care needs and their impact on every aspect of my life have brought me to some very lonely and dark places of exhaustion, self-doubt, frustration, isolation, hopelessness, fear for the future, depletion of assets and resources and loss of faith in the systems and institutions which are supposed to support families like mine. This is the story shared by most of the parents of older children with disabilities I know. We love our DC fiercely. And it is singularly the hardest thing, despite having a decent support network and parenting in relatively comfortable circumstances.

There really is no telling what parenthood will bring: love, reward and a validation of your efforts in the world or a tempering like no other and a call to grow beyond what you imagined possible.

And let's not forget the favourite truism of many teens, growing up with and without serious challenges: "I didn't ask to be born, did I?!"

This poster does a pretty good job of explaining exactly what she means -why are you policing?

The poster is clearly inferring "My son is amazing BUT the challenges of his neurodiversity are such that x, y and z." Of course "amazing AND ND" is also true.

Contextually, I'm guessing that @LazJaz 's son is autistic; yes, it's 'just being a person'. Yes, it also regularly brings extraordinary challenges in terms of social and communication needs and physical and cognitive needs, which impact the whole family and require their parents to take the "Carer: XTreme level 9" curriculum as opposed to enjoying a gentler parenting experience.

I was told once by an elderly lady that use to be a midwife.

Only have kids if you really really want to.

It is challenging and you never know their temperament till they are here. So I guess if your not bothered then it's challenging you may get resentful.

I absolutely love my kids and it's made me a better person and I would never want to go back to a life without them. But I didn't have a life beforehand so don't have anything to miss, even the bad days are 100% better then life before.

So I guess it depends on the person and only you know you.

I see having children as a long term thing. The baby years and childhood can feel long and slow - but everyday there is always a moment where they put a smile on your face. Now that my oldest is a teen I feel like the years have gone by quickly. And the one thing that I’m grateful for, is her. I’ve been lucky enough to have a career, start a business whilst having a child, and growing with my child - and even with all of the “achievements” and promotions and travelling, I personally have found that motherhood is always there - and triumphs it all- and that’s where the meaning is for me - everything comes and goes. But family, your legacy, loved ones are priceless - and I believe that’s what I describe as a life more meaningful. I’m grateful that I can be more than just a mum , and I tell people that it’s important to have a “village”.

As grim as it sounds, as a single person, my mindset was, if I die, then I’m dead. But with children, there is more to live for (I had had depression and that’s a different story) - even if it’s wanting to just be there for as long as possible. Whereas without children, I live my life for me, and that’s not a bad life either. But like most have said - it’s different. I know many childfree people that have missions or loved ones to live for.

Not everyone is cut out to parent. It’s not always been easy. But I can honestly sit there and laugh at some moments - and I have built nice memories.

It’s like a career - some people find meaning in their job. Others will work their whole lives and never attach meaning to it.

Also I’ve always wanted to grow old with children.

I don't regret having them, but had my first far too young (26). I wish I'd have lived life first.

You asked for brutal honesty. Well, if I had my time over again I wouldn't choose to have children.

I have two, now grown up and living their own lives very happily. It wasn't easy - we can't choose what life sends us and we only find out when we become a parent. I had difficult births, and one child had some medical issues which they still have to live with. Everyone says the love of a parent to a child is overwhelming but I didn't feel it; don't get me wrong, I love my children deeply but I don't think I bonded with them well. And the only overwhelming thing about it all was dealing with parenthood.

I was a young parent and didn't know what I was doing half the time. I didn't like the baby stage and found my life more limited than I'd imagined. Looking back I wish I'd concentrated on a career instead....I also think I could have been a better parent if I'd known then what I know now. I think I grew up a lot myself as I learned to parent, but that's not a good reason to have children!

The problem is, if I hadn't had children I think I might be looking back on life and feeling I missed out, I just don't know.

This.

I had my kids very young- absolutely fell head over heels in love with them both when they arrived. It's not the kids that are hard it's the sacrifices and work that comes with them. Unless you are very wealthy, having children means giving up stuff, juggling lots of responsibilities & more often that not feeling frazzled a lot of the time. Make no mistake, I adore my kids but I'm not in the camp of 'my kids are my world' ... that's a lot to put on children, Of course they are my top priority and I would do anything for them, but I'm very honest about the freedom & lifestyle I have now post kids. Maybe that's because I missed out when I was younger..
There's also a stigma around women who are in any way ambivalent/unsure about being a Mum. It's f*ing hard work but again it is a love and feeling like no other.
I'm glad I fell pregnant by surprise as to decide to have children knowing what I know now would have been much harder.
Sorry if that's not much help. It is however brutally honest. I have said as much to my own kids who are both adults. Be sure you're ready to give stuff up. But then again there is no perfect time to have kids.
As you will see from a lot of these posts, there is not 100% answer either way !

I don't have kids and am really happy I don't. I think if you're unsure enough about wanting kids to ask, then maybe you're not ready. Proceed only if you're sure. Also be sure that you're okay with the physical effects of pregnancy and childbirth, which can be brutal, and years of devotion to a potentially thankless child. Kids are also really expensive.

It's hard, expensive, draining and confusing and terrifying. It's also the best thing in the world and I wouldn't change my kids (now teen and young adult) for the world. I absolutely adore my DDs and they are by far my most favorite humans.

It’s such a personal decision. For my DH and I, we had both wanted to be parents for a really long time. Family is everything to us. It’s more important than fancy holidays or career progression. We are very content doing things as a family.

Also, I love kids. I’m a teacher. I’ve always enjoyed spending time with other people’s kids and volunteering at kids activities. So I always knew I’d enjoy being a parent. Although the baby stage is hard work and often quite boring.

So I think what matters is whether you want kids and whether you would enjoy being a parent, not what other people have to say.

If you don't have babies, you can't have children. If you don't have children, you can't have adult children. If you don't have adult children, you can't have grandchildren.

Now none of these might be particularly bad things, but I do think that people fixate too much on the small child years. Children are a chunk out of your life, yes, but although they might be living at home until their early 20s if you're unlucky (!), they do in most cases become gradually more independent. You don't have a toddler for 25 years!

And the decision whether or not to have children is not just about whether you want to share your life in the here and now with babies and toddlers, it's also whether you want to have teens and young adults in the future, whether you want a grown-up mother-son or mother-daughter relationship and (although there are no guarantees) whether you'd like at least to have the possibility of grandchildren in the future. A lot of people find that family ties and commitments give purpose to and shape their lives; others would find them limiting and claustrophobic.

It's ok not to have children!

Hardest thing I've ever done, best thing I've ever done.

I have never tried so hard in my life to do the absolute best I can, I feel like becoming a mother wasn't an addition to who I am, but the making of who I am.

I get that in our culture that's unpopular and I should get all that from a career, but I absolutely haven't yet. My daughter is everything to me.

I'm really sick this morning and I'm going to have to look after her all day on my own, she's 3 so wish me luck 😭

This. I think that it's best if you really want them. And even then the reality can be harder than you'd thought. But bringing up my DD has been amazing and I don't regret it.