If you are a parent, please be brutally honest

[TheLuckyPearlCat]

Is it worth having kids?
Do you regret them? Do they massively improve your life? Do the benefits outweigh the cons?
For context, I'm in my 30s, happy with my life, have a loving partner, friends and family, love to travel and go out doing activities on a regular basis. We live in London with stable jobs etc. I don't feel anything is missing but I'd love to know what you really think. Please don't hold back!

For me it was absolutely the right choice and I don’t regret it at all - despite the first 9 months of ds life being incredibly hard.

for my sister it has been absolutely the right choice not to have children - she never felt maternal and walked away from a serious long term relationship because he wanted a family and she knew she never would.

it doesn’t matter if 100 people tell you it’s the best thing in the world - you have to decide if it’s worth it because it is hard work and there is no going back!

I will be brutally honest and admit that I have not enjoyed parenthood as much as I’d hoped. My kids were very wanted and of course I love them very much but it’s been way harder than I expected.

I read these posts with people saying so unequivocally that their kids were the best things that ever happened to them and it makes me feel so sad that I’m not more like that.

Mum to 2 adult children here. I thank god every day for my healthy, happy children. They completed me, I always knew I wanted children. Having said that I had straightforward pregnancies and labours. They slept through by 3 months and I had good support. Leaving them to return to work was the hadest part.

They are the complete light of my life.
i always knew I wanted them.

but my relationship is in the toilet (probably would have happened without children), I haven’t had any me times for years, I don’t have hobbies and I’ve completely changed as a person.

so if you’re not sure I would probably say don’t have them. It’s something you need to be 2 feet in for. Your life will never be the same again.

I absolutely love mine and would never want to be without them, but I can see a very different life had I not had them. It's different but not necessarily worse.

Yes it's massively worth it. Not easy if you're financially struggling, but then even if you're loaded the worst thing about being a parent is if you're unlucky and - How can I write this? - you create a child that is difficult and that can be in the form of: it doesn't eat well, doesn't sleep well, has behavioural or personality disorders. Of course there are also concerns of disability, but then like most parents, you just get on with it.

My children have been great, but even then I, like most parents, crave my own time occasionally. So even if your kids eat and sleep well and don't wake you up every morning at 5am, they can still wind you up - they're kids. Great to have little, cheeky versions of me though.

So yeah, parenting. Life as you know it stops basically.

Make of that what you will.

I forgot to highlight how all babies are different. Some mothers don't get any sleep and it can be a nightmare but as I mentioned, not all newborns are constantly crying or waking up every 30 mins, so just because you've witnessed a baby/child being a certain way, when you have your own, you might not get any sleepless nights and find yourself - against all warnings during pregnancy - sleeping well.
This happened to me where I was told that I wouldn't get any sleep. I was lucky. In fact, my sleep is arguably worse now because my children keep wanting to sleep in my bed and nip over in the middle of the night. When they were both newborn to 5, they slept through.

This.

@boolut, you sound quite breezy about the challenges of parenthood in difficult circumstances; "you just get on with it".

I think this can be problematic so would like to add:
DC spilt juice all over their top seconds before going out -you just get on with it.
DC loses their temper at the supermarket checkout ‐you just get on with it.
DC crayoned the wall -you just get on with it.

A parent whose DC "is difficult... doesn't eat well, doesn't sleep well, has behavioural or personality disorders... disability" definitely has no choice but to "just get on with it" but it's on an entirely different level.

For many, it persists into their child's adulthood and involves losses and sacrifices the parent had never imagined at the moment of considering whether or not parenthood is for them: marriage breaking under the strain, parental mental health nose-diving, livelihood up in smoke and career ended, your home modified, or trashed, or feeling like a prison, or becoming the workplace of carers and allied health care professionals, or no longer affordable.

And the constant scrambling to ensure one's child's needs are met in a system which is chronically underfunded and under-resourced.

The ever-present worry about what the hell their future will hold and how it really is all on you, as your child will not necessarily be making those decisions for themselves.

The hurt when they're hurting; whether because their environment is unbearable on a sensory level, or because their EA is occupying every waking moment, or a cannula is taking ages to fit, or because there are invisible germs everywhere in your spotless house, or because school has become unmanageable.

Few of us imagine ourselves parenting in challenging circumstances in perpetuity, or have any idea of whether we'd be equal to the task.

This is what I would ask anyone pondering parenthood to consider.

I do think how you approach these situations is personality dependant though. My DH just gets on with it. Anything the kids or life or the world throws at him...takes it in his stride and plays the hand he is dealt. Doesn't ever moan or feel hard done by or wish he'd taken a different path, have never heard him express a regret. Just, gets on with it!

I can't imagine a life without DCs (had them young).

Doesn't your life seem frivolous?

Are you going to leave the world in a better place than you found it?

Why should other peoples DCs pay for your NHS/pension/care when you need it?

I'm sorry this sounds judgemental I just can't fathom having no desire to reproduce. Surely it's as natural as the desire to eat, to sleep, to have sex, to love & be loved?

I think you have to really really want them and be prepared for your life to change in every conceivable way.

Do I love my son? Absolutely.

Would I do it again? Possibly not.

Is it worth it? Well it's half term and I'm ill in bed and my autistic 11 year old just brought me a cup of tea. Worst cup of tea I've had in my life but nobody else on earth could make it with so much love.

I don't think it's possible to say. I love my life with children- but I also loved my life before children. And I have no reason to believe I wouldn't have carried on loving it. But any one of a million things might have happened to make either scenario shit. So it's luck of the draw. There are things that make the likelihood of a good life with children higher-good relationships (note the plural-not necessarily a single relationship), enough money, somewhere comfortable to live, having had a fulfilling life before having them...But there are no guarantees either way. Sorry.

I love my children very much. They bring a lot of joy. Yes, sometimes they can make me mad, sad and everything in between. It is strange how much a smile of theirs can change my emotions.

Ds2 has autism and parenting him is very hard, but worth it. His smile brings me the most amount of joy. When he understand something new, it is amazing. It gets celebrated 🥳. Ds1 and ds3 also get celebrated, when they do great things. Which could be anything really.
When was the last time, you stood and took a minute to enjoy how beautiful the tree near the house looked like? It is ds2 favourite tree, which caused ds3 to find his own favourite tree. They remind me to appreciate nature more. It is awesome, to observe kid logic and how they try to make sense of the world.

I this this point of view is weirder than not having a desire to reproduce and not being able to fathom that someone doesn't want the same thing as you

I can’t really answer your poll as I don’t regret my daughter, she’s the best thing that ever happened to me, but that doesn’t mean you should go for it.

Is it worth having kids?

For me I don’t think it would be worth having kids plural but having one child has been infinitely worth it. We went through a lot to get our daughter and I had a lot of time to evaluate whether to keep going or try to embrace a child free life but for me something was always going to be missing. My husband didn’t feel like that though and he loves her just as much.

We have a lovely child but the days can still be extremely testing, we work long days and then sometimes come home to tantrums and a fight to get pjs on or teeth brushed. However she just turned 3 and looking back over the year it has been full of wonderful moments and seeing her progress, learn and develop has been amazing. We still go out a lot but it’s more likely to adventure parks, trampoline parks, soft play etc and theatre trips are now mostly those aimed at kids/ panto etc, cinema trips are mostly kids movies, but I still have a lot of fun doing all of that. We do still carve out free time for ourselves but it needs more compromise and planning.

Do you regret them?

I do not regret her one bit. She has added to my life in spades.

Do they massively improve your life?

As above, it’s not really a simple improvement as there are many challenges that come with raising children, however each stage brings new joys and challenges. For example at the baby stage, my life was worse in that I was always sleep deprived, anxious, and spent most of my time pumping and making up bottles and holding my child who contact napped, there was very little “me” time. But also, my life was better than before as I was no longer feeling my arms were empty whilst desperately wanting a child, I got so many cosy cuddles, each time she smiled or started to babble or reached for a toy my heart melted, in all those ways life was much better. Then she became a toddler and it all changed again with different better/worse, but for me it has so far always been much better as a whole. And now in the preschool stage it’s all going to be a bit different again.

Do the benefits outweigh the cons?

As above it’s not a simple cost benefit analysis. How do you weigh sleep deprivation against your baby’s first smile. I think if you really want a child, it will for most people probably be worth it, if you don’t particularly one way or another it’s more of a gamble, so why unsettle your life if you’re happy anyway.

This is so rude. I have a child but it was a long hard fight to get her and comments like yours can add pain to those struggling. It’s also perfectly fine not to want children and it’s not “frivolous”.

You don’t have to have children to leave the world in a better place than you found it. And some people have different desires than you and nothing wrong with that.

And what a stupid point about other people’s DC paying for things. Childless people pay for your children’s health and education, contributions to their childcare and child benefit.

Arguably though I'm in the middle of an extended period of not working/ working less and have barely paid into the pension pot for that time (will be nearly a decade). Then when I go back I'll be on a lower salary than if I hadn't left...whereas someone without children will have paid in more to the overall pot without the break.

I personally don't think my life pre-children ever seemed frivolous or lacked meaning. I imagine if you had them young and that's all you know it must be tough to imagine how you'd fill your days without them, but as someone who had them late I assure you you cope admirably!! I worked, travelled, volunteered, added to the economy and my community in various ways. It was wonderful!

Having kids is wonderful in other ways, but it's a lifelong commitment. If it's not for you then that does not mean the path you choose will lack meaning. I mean, extreme example but mother Teresa had no children! Oprah Winfrey, Dolly Parton, Leonardo di Caprio, John Cena, Angela Merkel...lots of meaningful, unfrivolous examples around.

If you don't feel anything is missing, then nothing is.

If people only had children because they 100% wanted them and were competent to care for them then the world would be better for it.

@Dollarydoos , I think this is sort of true. I'm like your DH and am generally able to take things in my stride. Lucky me.

Many parents of disabled, sick or otherwise unwell and high needs young DC or adult DC who I am connected with through work or volunteering are obviously also 'just getting on with it' -what other choice do they have? But it doesn't mean that the challenges, worries, losses and sacrifices are felt less keenly and the impact on the lives of everyone concerned, including siblings, are diminished. Life on one income instead of two, a decade of broken sleep, managing life-sustaining medical protocols, fighting for a suitable education, hiding sharps and household chemicals ‐the list of circumstances through which some parents 'just get on with it' is long.

When I hit 30, with big fertility issues, I thought that was it for me. My life would have to be fulfilling in other ways - my business, nice house, nice holidays and expensive experiences.

I was quite depressed as despite having it all, and 'living in London', i felt really empty and sad.

Now i'm 24w pregnant, and i've never felt a love like it. My baby will require 2 surgeries very early in her newborn life, and I know it's going to be incredibly tough and hard, but it feels like it's my purpose in life to look after her. It's scary, but I am so incredibly happy.

Having a baby isn't for everyone, but surely you should know deep down if you do want children one way or the other? It isn't a decision to be taken lightly.

There are lots of things you can never really be mentally prepared for when having children, but it unlocks a love like no other IMO.

On the whole that may be true but I'd hold myself as the exception to the rule. I didn't want them. Was an accidental pregnancy and too late to abort. Transpires all the reasons I had for not being a parent were actually a result of my own abuse and lack of confidence instilled in me by a narcissistic mother. Plus wanting to break the cycle of shit mothering felt easiest if I just didn't reproduce, that was there was no way I could let a baby down in the way I was let down. But . . . I'm a blooming awesome parent, and my son is smart as a whippet. His teachers are constantly impressed by him. He's also kind, funny and fun to be around, and a totally exhausting whirlwind of a human with relentless energy and zest for life! Wanting to be better for him also led me to get therapy I needed either way but probably wouldn't have realised I needed. Am really grateful he's here.

Oh yes absolutely. Apologies if my post was insensitive. Much easier to get on with things with a house full of healthy people and a good household income for sure!

Saying that I'm not a just get on with it person a lot of the time. I struggle. But DH is a good role model. We level each other out.

I will never regret my kids