If you are a parent, please be brutally honest

[TheLuckyPearlCat]

Is it worth having kids?
Do you regret them? Do they massively improve your life? Do the benefits outweigh the cons?
For context, I'm in my 30s, happy with my life, have a loving partner, friends and family, love to travel and go out doing activities on a regular basis. We live in London with stable jobs etc. I don't feel anything is missing but I'd love to know what you really think. Please don't hold back!

Having kids drives a runaway express train into your life and blows everything you knew to pieces. You won't be able to do the things you did before in the same way. But it does also bring a new meaning to your life - your children become an extension of you and you feel their joy and pain. You also feel that your children living on after your death gives you a kind of immortality. You feel suddenly connected to the many ancestors that came before you. Through your children's eyes you rediscover a kind of joy in life that you had forgotten as an adult.
Truly life changing in every way.

It’s been the hardest but the most rewarding 24 years and if I’m being honest being a mum saved me and it’s what keeps me here they don’t know that as it’s a lot of pressure.

I agree with you.

I can’t relate to the comments that are saying their life has more meaning. My life was pretty meaningful without kids and it would have carried on to be the same. I have two kids, both with different disabilities so maybe that’s why my experience is different than other posters.

I definitely feel that life is about surviving and making it through the end of the day. Wouldn’t say that’s a life that other people should aspire too

I love my children and don't regret having them at all. However I do miss my old life sometimes, and I worry about what their future will be like, and whether I am giving them the right tools to live a rich and full life themselves. They are young teens now so the demands/worries/expenses are different. It is hard to describe how much having them has improved my life - I am much more patient and kind and considerate than I was before - but that might have come with time and maturity anyway. I am more vulnerable now - I have so much more to lose than I ever had before.

We decided that if we didn't fall pregnant naturally, then we wouldn't go down the IVF/adoption route and we'd enjoy our lives as a child free family. Again - easy to say when that was all an abstract concept.

I can't imagine how my life would look without them, but I couldn't imagine how my life would look with them either. Hard to imagine people who have never existed before! But they are great kids and I enjoy their company and I'm excited to see what type of adults they grow up to be.

I can't answer that poll. I don't regret having my children, but I don't think that you should go for it because you don't sound like you really want children.

It's like saying "I'm not sure I like classical music but I've got the chance to fly to Bayreuth to watch 20 hours of The Ring Cycle: it'll cost me two thousand pounds. Do you like Wagner? Do you think I should go?"

The answer is "yes I love the Ring Cycle, but no I don't think you should make such a big commitment if you're on the fence about it" And that's just a weekend of your life and two grand, not 18 years and all the money you have.

I love having my DS but I read the happiest couples are those without. I think you are right to consider if you actually want it.

I can well believe it 😂

I love my DC to bits and wouldn’t want to not have them. If I’d honestly known what a complete drudge parenthood is I probably wouldn’t have done it.

I was in a similar position to you and questioned whether we wanted children. We now have two DC. Life changes so much, but it just takes on a completely different meaning. I've never been as happy...or as tired. There is really nothing like it in this world.

Having children doesn't change your life, it throws out the old you and makes a brand new you.

I'm not who i was 8 years ago. I didn't realise how much that would be the case. I love my children utterly. For me, they were the right decision. Almost everything I do is for them.

Do you want that?

My sister is childfree. She's happy. That was the right decision for her.

It doesn't matter what other people think about their children. What matters is what is the right decision for you.

I love my dd with all my heart, she is so much fun and amazing!

Don't regret it at all but I'd say it makes a big difference to the early years if you have available relatives for occasional childcare and/or can afford babysitters. You should nonetheless be prepared to cut down on social life, but if you can get out a couple of times a month when they are little I think that makes everything easier. We lived near both sets of parents and they did do some childcare, plus we had a 'babysitting circle' with friends which helped make it affordable.

My main reason for having kids was I just found the idea really interesting, and it has been fascinating. A lot is luck of the draw - mine were good sleepers, lovely as toddlers and thus far both lovely teenages, but DS is only just at the start. Youngest has ADHD which is impacting his learning more as school gets more demanding and that's a worry.

The best way I’ve found to explain it is that having kids is like running a marathon. It’s not easy but when you’ve done it (i.e you’ve had a nice day with your child) it feels worthwhile and rewarding.

The hard stuff is the time, tiredness, emotions, bad behaviour, crying, when they’re in poor health and you’re worried.

The great stuff is getting to know a new person that you actually created! Seeing their likes and skills grow. A hand wrapped around your finger for comfort, hugs, kisses and laughs.

Good luck whatever you decide to do!

This. It's not a "would having kids make my life better?" kind of selfish attitude in the same way you evaluate getting a new car or job. They are not there for you. You're there for them.

Both My kids are ND and hard work. I love them and wouldn't be without them but its not easy. If I hadn't really wanted to be a parent then i'm not sure i'd have managed.

Don't do it OP, you sound totally happy with your life without children and they will change everything.
Personally, I desperately wanted them and now have 3. My life would be much simpler without them and I'd be much richer! I love them immeasurably.
But it is completely OK not to feel that way, and to have a wonderful life with your partner and friends.

I come from a loving family, wonderful parents and close to all my siblings.

We've all had children and perpetuated our own happy families.

We all wanted to be married to a loving partner like our parents, that was our first goal and then to have children.

Our children are now all independent adults and continue to enrich our lives.

I couldn't imagine not having children.

I felt like something was missing from my life without my child. I had a full life, but I needed more.

yes, I had to give up some things I loved. I certainly have less money and free time. It was absolutely worth it for me.

This is exactly how I feel. I always knew I wanted to be a mum and I feel like children have gave my life purpose. The highs are hearing them say I love you, learning how to do something and seeing the pride in themselves, seeing them in freshly washed pjs. The lows very hard days, no time to recover when sick you just have to keep on going and the worry. When they are sick like really sick the thought that something may happen to them, knowing if it does you will never be the same again.

I can't answer your poll as not relevant to me, and not sure I should even comment, because I'm not a parent of living children.
DH and I TTC 12yrs, no cause for sub-fertility ever found, rounds of IVF and lost 3. I always assumed I would have children and never considered a life otherwise. Yes, we could adopt/foster, but I'm happy with my current life and not looking for something, for the sake of 'having children'.

A friend once confided that if she'd known how difficult her disabled child would have been- she would have chosen differently. I have read similar, although rarely, on MN. It seems to be extremely taboo to say anything other than 'they are the light of my life', 'I couldn't imagine another life' 'they are my everything' etc etc. It a toss of the coin OP but good luck with your future.

I can't answer this. My children are the best part of my life. But that doesn't help me tell you whether it's right for you. We all have different priorities. For example, I don't like travelling, doesn't mean other people shouldn't go travelling.

All I ever truly, truly wanted from my life was to be a mother, and to bring my children up in a stable, loving home if I could! It’s everything I thought it would be, motherhood, I’ve never felt more like I’m doing exactly what I should be doing. That probably isn’t overly helpful to you as clearly you haven’t had that same driving desire so I’ll stop wittering 😅 but I do think having children is just about the most wonderful thing in the world. I don’t think (I’m quite certain in fact!) that I’ve ever had a single second where I’ve regretted anything!

Not having children and not being a mum would have tortured me .

I don't think I'd have ever been able to make peace with nor being a parent.

I do , however, find parenthood frustrating. I also wish my version of parenthood was slightly different. But there's no regret.

I love children, always knew I wanted to be a mum growing up.

Now, with a high needs 2.5 year old? Genuinely not a day goes by where I don’t regret it and miss my old life. I’m bored out of my brain. I can’t go anywhere without my limpet attached to me. No such thing as “just nipping” anywhere anymore, in fact I can’t even go into shops. As a baby she wailed constantly in the car, as a mobile baby she grabbed everything on the shelves and wouldn’t sit in a trolley and now as a toddler she has tantrums and hits me.

I dread weekends. Work (while bloody hard work) is a breath of fresh air- never thought I would say that. I dread days off with her.

Honestly? Unless you have a burning desire to ruin your life, I wouldn’t.

I love her, and many will say I’ve caused this somehow by being a shit mum but believe me I am very patient, happy happy, mum around her.