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Family planning

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If you are a parent, please be brutally honest

204 replies

TheLuckyPearlCat · 28/10/2024 20:49

Is it worth having kids?
Do you regret them? Do they massively improve your life? Do the benefits outweigh the cons?
For context, I'm in my 30s, happy with my life, have a loving partner, friends and family, love to travel and go out doing activities on a regular basis. We live in London with stable jobs etc. I don't feel anything is missing but I'd love to know what you really think. Please don't hold back!

OP posts:
teatoast8 · 28/10/2024 21:05

I love my kids and wouldn't be without them. I may be skint but wouldn't have it any other way. Money doesn't make happiness and not meaningful. My kids are

Privateeee · 28/10/2024 21:05

Honestly - my only life regret is not having more children.

Having said that, I have a good friend who felt like having her child ruined her life.

No one can tell you what’s right for you!

Thearrowofdoom · 28/10/2024 21:05

I love my daughter dearly and would never regret or be without her but as someone who conceived after being told I couldn't honestly as a disabled Mum of a disabled child it's not something I would choose if I had my chance again.
Especially knowing I would end up divorced with no support.
It's been hard.

CC222 · 28/10/2024 21:07

I have one and he is absolutely worth all of the struggles. He gets me through it all. The best thing to have happened to me, ever...

HiCandles · 28/10/2024 21:07

Mine are very young, 2.5 and 8m. When I see them laugh and smile ear to ear just because I hid my face and said Boo, it's absolutely amazing. When toddler gives me a kiss because I banged my hand, so heartwarming. Baby gurgling at me delightedly because I'm singing, wonderful.
But some days are incredibly tough and I come close to regretting my choices - only the knowledge that toddlerhood is supposed to be about testing boundaries and it will pass gets me through. There'll be more difficult stages to come though!
Depends whether you feel something is missing I think. I knew I wanted children and it was just a question of when we were ready finances/career wise. I never had to think about it. Maybe that was naive, some days I think I should've thought more about it!

Dollarydoos · 28/10/2024 21:07

Oo OP tough question.

I miss so much about my old life. I miss the freedom, the disposable income, financial independence, lack of responsibility, spontaneity. I miss time to exercise, sleep, silence, long baths, going out to dinner, travelling, stuff being where I left it, having a tidy and organised house, a lack of guilt and feeling of 'damned if you do and damned if you dont'... So much!!

But, in spite of all those things being unobtainable right now I can't regret the last 6 years. It's hard to explain, but having children has been the most incredibly healing journey for me. I didn't have them to heal myself (honestly the first one was a total accident otherwise I don't think I'd have done it at all) but the reading, learning, growing etc I've done in my drive to be a good mother has made me love and cherish myself more and be more forgiving to myself and others. It's made me go with the flow about a lot of things more than I used to, I've learned not to sweat the small stuff and how to cherish the moment I'm in rather than always striving for the next thing. My children are still very young, and I'm absolutely loving the enthusiasm with which they view the world, and joining them in embracing magic, making up stories and games etc. I've never laughed the way I do with them (or cried or experienced anger either, it's like everything is heightened). Sharing in their delight and marvelling at the way they're growing is a real privilege. I also love watching their sibling relationship grow, which is something I never experienced at their age. Every day is unique in a way I couldn't have imagined prior to having them.

I also like that parenting gives you a way to connect with a great deal of other people who have also parented. I know that can be a dangerous topic, especially on here, so please don't roast me. But it's been nice to suddenly have intimate knowledge of this experience which transcends generations. I've enjoyed chats with elderly neighbours who gaze wistfully at my little ones and are happy to share rose tinted memories of when they were at my stage of life, or colleagues, people at parties etc. It's an instant leveler.

So no, couldn't regret it. It's been the making of me in ways I couldn't have ever grasped before they were here. I thought I'd be an awful mother, which is why I wasn't going to do it. But I'm not at all, I'm actually very good at it! Though if I could change anything I'd want a few more years just me and DH before we found ourselves in this all encompassing situation, as long as we could end up with the exact same DC because they're just a bit great :)

purpleme12 · 28/10/2024 21:07

TheLuckyPearlCat · 28/10/2024 20:49

Is it worth having kids?
Do you regret them? Do they massively improve your life? Do the benefits outweigh the cons?
For context, I'm in my 30s, happy with my life, have a loving partner, friends and family, love to travel and go out doing activities on a regular basis. We live in London with stable jobs etc. I don't feel anything is missing but I'd love to know what you really think. Please don't hold back!

Yes it's worth it.
No I don't regret it.
Improve? Mmm. Unsure. Would I be happier if I had just carried on childless? Possibly. Because you can just please yourself etc. And she's hard work. Her behaviour is challenging. Her attitude and how she speaks. And that's not a short term thing. You're constantly sacrificing yourself for your child just because you've got a child to think about now.
But yes the benefits outweigh the cons.
(Mine is 10)

TakeMyLifeAndLetItBe · 28/10/2024 21:08

We have five and they are more precious than anything else in this world! We are so blessed to have them and would do it all over again, in a heartbeat. There is honestly no other love like it, go for it!

CSR721 · 28/10/2024 21:08

I struggled in the beginning with the massive change in lifestyle, I was massively naive and underestimated what a big change it was, and I think I had ppd.

My son is nearly 2 now and I can't imagine life without him. I honestly don't have words to describe how much I love him and watching him learn and grow and seeing his personality come out is the most amazing thing I've ever done.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/10/2024 21:08

It’s the best thing I’ve ever done but I was desperate for babies and we had a hard time getting them.

I have a few friends who regret it.

If you don’t really really want to do it then don’t.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/10/2024 21:11

I think on my death bed I'll say/think it's the best thing I've ever did, but fuck me, one of my teenagers is hard hard work.

Fizzygoo · 28/10/2024 21:11

It’s not transactional

I have had various diverse careers and experiences around the world

having our children has been the absolute best thing ever

the nappies/no sleep/skint part is just part of it but it’s amazing to see the world through them

PollyPeep · 28/10/2024 21:11

It's a different life. More meaningful, more exhausting, more mentally and physically draining, more love, more anxiety, more responsibility, more investment in the future, more money, more ties, more restricted, more open. It's a lot 😂 This is speaking as someone who has two healthy kids. We're not having a third because we don't want to roll the dice again. It's a risk every time. Is it worth it? For us, yes it was, but that's with the knowledge of the kids we ended up with.

RosesAndHellebores · 28/10/2024 21:13

Never regretted it. It wasn't a question I asked though because the need was entirely visceral. It wasn't a choice.

They are grown up now.

MoneyTalksBSWalks · 28/10/2024 21:13

They can bring ultimate joy or pain dependant on what happens and that is the risk. For a more predictable life it’s best not to have children. I do have one friend who regrets having children. They tuned out fine, loving family and they have no idea but really her DH was enough.

Screamingabdabz · 28/10/2024 21:13

I didn’t vote because the dichotomy is wrong. I don’t regret having DC, I desperately wanted children from when I was a teenager. But you don’t even sound that arsed. In which case, don't have them. It turns your life upside down, it’s extremely hard work to do it properly and nothing is the same again. I mean nothing. If you like your life as it is, stick to that.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/10/2024 21:14

I would say that having had teenagers, babies, toddlers, and young children; by far far far the hardest has been one of my teenagers.
So, when you're making your decision, dont just ask parents of babies, they're mostly lush, think about the worst problem you can imagine a teenager having, or even small ones, and think whether you want that in fifteen years.

adhdpunchbag · 28/10/2024 21:16

I have a few friends without kids, mainly by choice. They love their lives and don't regret not having kids. They have more disposable income, interesting careers and are free to travel widely either spending time with family or on holiday.

I on the other hand have a child with additional needs and it's soul destroying. I was never that desperate for kids anyway and rue the day I listened to my body clock.

If you don't feel anything is missing don't gamble it away by having kids.

mamaison · 28/10/2024 21:16

So challenging but so rewarding.

Such hard work but I adore mine and their kisses and cuddles are like heaven on Earth.

Being a parent has made me do work on myself that I don’t think I would have otherwise done. Same goes for your relationship.

It is such hard work though, physically/emotionally/financially, you should only do it if you really are prepared to accept the sacrifices. So much sacrifice but so much joy.

Getonwitit · 28/10/2024 21:16

My lot are adults now and i can honestly say i loved having them but the Grandchildren are the cherry on the cake.

bakewellbride · 28/10/2024 21:16

"I don't feel anything is missing"

You don't want them so there's your answer- don't have them.

I love my children but I was absolutely desperate for my whole life to be a mother so there was no question about it really. If you are in doubt then please don't.

wafflesmgee · 28/10/2024 21:17

I'd get bored and be a more selfish person without my children, but I'm not sure I would recommend having 3 if you still want personal hobbies that involved effort, I just cant justify putting my own before my children's (e.g. their music lessons are prioritised by me above keeping up with my own instruments), with 3 children it isn't.logistically possible for everyone to do everything at once.
I'd certainly recommend having one or 2 children

adhdpunchbag · 28/10/2024 21:18

@LazJaz I needn't have written my own post, you nailed it 😂

2Little · 28/10/2024 21:18

Honestly, I think it's a very taboo subject and that most people wouldn't admit regretting it. I think some parts of patenting are harder than others. I loved having a newborn. I found having willful toddlers much more challenging. Did I regret having kids? Yeah often. But, is that because I do have them? I fought hard to have them. If I didn't have them I would have regretted that.

Dollarydoos · 28/10/2024 21:19

wafflesmgee · 28/10/2024 21:17

I'd get bored and be a more selfish person without my children, but I'm not sure I would recommend having 3 if you still want personal hobbies that involved effort, I just cant justify putting my own before my children's (e.g. their music lessons are prioritised by me above keeping up with my own instruments), with 3 children it isn't.logistically possible for everyone to do everything at once.
I'd certainly recommend having one or 2 children

Thanks for sharing this. I am trying very hard to accept that DH doesn't want a third and insights like this are genuinely helpful in getting me on board with his reasoning.

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