If you are a parent, please be brutally honest

[TheLuckyPearlCat]

Is it worth having kids?
Do you regret them? Do they massively improve your life? Do the benefits outweigh the cons?
For context, I'm in my 30s, happy with my life, have a loving partner, friends and family, love to travel and go out doing activities on a regular basis. We live in London with stable jobs etc. I don't feel anything is missing but I'd love to know what you really think. Please don't hold back!

Having a child is weird. You are creating a new person. And it's a new person from the minute they are born. That totally surprised me!
You have to learn to live with them. You may not love them all in the same way, but you feel a strong urge to protect and help them.

My hubby said to me once “at the end of our lives when we are looking back at things and look on our mantelpiece of all our pictures are you okay if they are just of you and I?”.

I didn’t know if I wanted kids, but this hit me and I said no! We have two amazing boys and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

On,y you will know. Other peoples experiences can’t help you. Ask yourself if you see them in your future. Good luck.

Sadly, OP, you cannot predict the future.

Right now, you are happy and do not feel a pull to have dc.

Might you regret not having dc? Sure, you might. Hopefully you will be consoled by a life that you genuinely enjoy. Everyone has regrets.

It is not deeper, more meaningful or in any way inherently better to have dc. It does not make life richer than a life without dc. No 2 women have exactly the same experience of motherhood - and all dc are different.

You can't see the future, but you can try to make decisions based on what you know now. And right now you are satisfied with the life that you have. It's no bad bet that you will continue to be happy without children.

Allow me, a non-parent, to be brutally honest as well.
Don't take other people's advice, you absolutely have to feel this yourself.
Not having children was the best decision I ever made for myself, by myself at the age of 13.

I adore my kids and my life is infinitely better because of them. But I choose to work full time because I also love my career. And we never gave up travel even for a moment, we have taken them on many adventures. So I am lucky that I don’t feel I had to sacrifice much to incorporate kids into my life. I never understand when people say “but I love travel”, or “but I love my job” as if parenthood has to mean dedicating every working minute to being at home living a very traditional suburban life with the kids. Parenthood comes in many, many forms and you can make it what you want really.

I absolutely love my girls, wouldn't be without them, would die for them, etc etc.
But, I say that because I know my girls, they are here and part of my life and I've never loved anyone or anything more.

If we could go back 12 years and I could be told how it would be, without already forming a bond with them, I'd probably give it a miss in all honesty.

Motherhood isn't for me. My girls are though, if that makes sense?

Anyway, I have a child free friend who wonders if I judge their choice to not have children. I always say that I can't imagine anything sadder than a woman wanting children and not being able to have them, or anything more amazing than a woman who doesn't want children making that choice and living a child free life.

I was desperate to be a mum since i was 10 years old. I had a little imaginary family when I was little (3 sons and 1 daughter with names and birthdays and everything!) I did an NNEB course then worked in a nursery and I was desperate for children of my own. I got married and had 2 children but I had always wanted 4. I loved my husband so much he a was one of the funniest most chilled out people I knew until out first child was born and he changed overnight - he couldn't cope with the demands a child put on him and our relationship really suffered because of it, he felt trapped and as time went on he couldn't deal with the mess the noise and the chaos. Our youngest has autism and DH can;t cope with him - he does his own thing and I do mine with the children. He says if he knew what he knew now and how now society expects men to step up and help with childcare he would no way have become a father. He says he should have been a father in the 1940's were the less demands on the father.

I adore my kids but it is 10000000 times harder than I ever imagined.

Another factor is that we were older parents in our late 30's so we had had a great life before and done so much travelling and things without children that I think when you do have children you realise what you do miss. My sister had her first child at 20 and never had time for travelling or much of a life before children she has 5 children and she has never known anything else and because she has never travelled or done much pre children she has no desire and is now a hands on grandparent helping bring up her grandchildren. Her life is chaos, messy and always hectic but her kids and grandchildren are absolutely everything and she has never ever had any desire to do anything that doesn't revolve around her family - funnily enough when we were growing up she hated playing dolls and was totally unmaternal and when she fell pregnant at19 she was devasted as she was the one with ambition who wanted to live and work in Africa running safaris and I was desperate to settle down!

So really in all honesty from my experiences I don't think anyone knows how you will feel or your partner will feel till you have children and i think that's why there are so many family break ups because it is something you can't predict. I know if i didn't have children I would be really unhappy but sometimes I look at child free couples and envy their freedom.

I have 5 children and they massively improved my life and I could not ever regret them. But my context is different to yours. I struggled a lot in my 20s, fell pregnant accidentally with twins and then struggled for a few months after having them. But I had my DH by my side and after the first few months, they were my pure joy and made me happier than I have ever been. Hence why I had 3 more and they all genuinely fill me with so much joy. You must know this but they are not easy but for me, the pros will always outweigh the cons.

Regarding you: it has to be whether you feel you want and need children. You need to be capable to make sacrifices. You may not be able to travel as much for a while and you may not be doing activities on a regular basis. But children also do open you to more opportunities and friends. And you could always just have the 1 child and leave it there. I do feel like most people don't regret their kids personally. They might at some points but overall, the loves encompasses it all. Depends on your partner's wishes too obviously. I hope for your happiness either way

I can not imagine my lives without my kids! I still gush over my now adults kids!

It is absolutely the best thing I've ever done. I adore having children.

But I had an overwhelming desire to have them. I'm not sure I would have loved it as much if I hadn't wanted them as badly. I can imagine resenting some of the sleepless nights and tantrums if I was unsure of my decision.

Having children is a different life. For me my life was equalling as fulfilling before I had them but was very different.

However how you feel about your life with children depends on many factors. My DD and I have a pretty easy relationship and she has enhanced me and my life in many ways. My DS, who I love to bits, is a lot more challenging and not helped at all by the fact that they both do not get on well at all. Has this enhanced my life? Not one little bit, it has just made it more challenging. Would I do it all over again? Yes and no!

I agree with a pp, they will give you the highest highs and the lowest lows, so if you like equilibrium then maybe not the best choice.

My absolute and only advice is, if you’re going to do it, be all in, you and your partner. I had premature twins and we just embraced it, at least for the first few years.

I love being a mum more than anything in the world, but you are only as happy as your unhappiest child and if you don’t like the thought of someone having that much sway over your life then better not to do it!

if your not feeling it, don’t do it.

My kids are the best thing to ever happen to happen to me. Completely changed how I see life for the better

My son is adopted and it took me 7 years to go through the process after infertility. I was 33 when he was born, and very energetic.

Still, it was exhausting. He's 13 now and is the most amazing person I know.

That said I think if you're not sure, don't have kids. Those who were very iffy before kids than I know, have not loved parenthood. They have never said to me they regret it, but there's a constant exasperation.

I don't think it's fair to the kids.

I love my kids and I like them as people too as they're all adults pretty much now, and im glad they are here.
Saying that, I think ive really struggled with it all. I wanted to be a mother, but I feel like it has been far more difficult in every way than i could have imagined to balance so many peoples needs. They also are just so expensive and messy. Theres often conflict and dramas happening.
Its not something id recommend.
I used to have hobbies and read books. My brain is frazzled now

Having kids is the best and worst thing I've ever done. They are hard work, one I'd severely SEN, and they drain me of energy, time, money etc. But I love them SO much. I've never felt love like it and they give my life more meaning and purpose. I felt like I had a brilliant life pre kids (travelling all the time, great career, excellent income) and they have become obstacles to all those things to some extent, but I feel like there would be something missing (like a black hole) without them. I wouldn't go back in time and not have them, basically.

I literally ached to have our son. He's everything to us. 19 now and I can hardly remember him nit being here. He's amazing.

My husband and I just hit our 11th wedding anniversary. I asked him what the highlights of the last 11 years were for him, his answers were 'the birth of our daughter, the birth of our son' and then listed everything else. Now imagine how I feel as a mother. I wish I had more!

I'm 34 with a 3 year old and 5 month old. I travelled the world, lived abroad and decided to settle down in Ireland (I'm from England) and have our children. I do miss having some 'me' time but it will get easier the older my children get. I'm finding it really hard at the moment but seeing my daughter and son play with each other makes it worthwhile. I'm constantly tired and we have very little help from his family and none from mine. If I could go back in time I would probably have had a smaller age gap or a much larger one as at the moment I can't go to the toilet without being worried what my 3 year old would do to her brother.

This last week or so my daughter has been really excited for Halloween and talking a lot about Christmas and it's really made me excited for some family time. We've got two different Halloween fireworks shows booked and a Christmas experience booked as well as a family holiday in the summer. I can't imagine having another Christmas with just me and my partner visiting family. I'm looking forward to future holidays as a family and I never thought I would, as up until I was about 28/29 I didn't want children.

its hard. There’s no denying it but the love you feel for them and the feedback you get is a billion times stronger than anything you can get without them. They’re incredible

i love my kids and they light up my life. They’re young teenagers and at this age, they’re more rewarding than they’ve ever been. For me, tho I’ve always loved them, the baby / toddler years were more demanding.

in the spirit of brutal honesty: prepare to go it alone. If you can hack it while your partner slacks out, then you can hack it. (Either carrying him, or sacking him off.) if you think you can do it by the help of a loyal strong man by your side through thick and thin, forget it. He won’t be there.

I was completely ambivalent about having kids. I had my first because my husband wanted her. I didn’t feel at all connected during my pregnancy, I think I was in denial. Then she was born and it hit me. Complete overwhelming love I’d never felt before. I went on to have a second soon after.

Without doubt the best thing I’ve ever done and just regret I didn’t do it sooner.

I still have my career, live life to the fullest in London, travel, theatre, out with friends a lot, girl trips, weekends away with just my DH, so all the things I did pre-kids. But now I also have the icing on the cake with my little brood too.

But I accept I was and still am very lucky. My kids are and have always been relatively easy. To everyone’s surprise I took to motherhood like a duck to water. We could afford all the help we needed.

It could have been very different and I have good friends who haven’t had it as easy as me. Unfortunately, you don’t know till you try.

I was lucky having my children in the 90s ,I worked part time ,went on cheap holidays,drove and still do a shit tip . People were not so materialistic etc
Now if I was a lot younger I would definitely hesitate.
On the upside my children are the most amazing people and have never regretted having them .

I think it depends on where you are in life and what you want from it. I have a son with high functioning autism and it's been incredibly hard from day 1. Being a parent to a ND kid is all consuming. I loved my life before I had my son, dream career doing something I'd always wanted to do and worked hard for. Fast forward to now, I'm a SAHM, a shell of who I used to be. It's mentally and physically draining looking after my son. I love him to bits but feel sad for the life I left behind. Sorry for the negative post but just posting a candid account of how things can be. I have plenty of friends with NT kids and they seem really happy.