Partner doesn't want a second child but I cannot get over it

[Tuli666]

Hello everyone,
I am 44 and my partner is 58, though he looks (and somewhat behaves) younger than me...
We've been together 14 years and tried for a baby when I was 36 but no luck so we went for IVF and ended up with three embryos. One is not an amazing 5 year old girl, the light of our life. The other embryos are still frozen.

Since our daughter was about 1.5 I wanted to have a second child, but my partner didn't. We discussed it so much, and went through a few phases where I thought I convinced myself I am ok with it but I always come back to feeling I am just kidding myself. It has become a real issue in the past year and a half, I've become so miserable seeing everyone in my NCT and friends around having their second, I am feeling quite depressed. Having those two embryos feel like we have two other children waiting to come to us.
We've been going to therapy but it is not helping so much. I understand his reasons and they are all valid, however, I don't seem to be able to move on.

Our therapist advised us to contact the hospital to discard the embryos so we can get closure but I am devastated by the thought this is really it.
I feel like I cannot forgive my partner, who says no but still has doubts sometimes, while I am so sure of my wants and needs. It feels like he's not taking me into consideration so it hurts even more.

If anyone here been in a similar situation either with ivf or not, did you manage to have a second? One of my not so close friends told her partner either another or she leaves and now they have two. I don't want to behave that way but I also don't know how I can live the rest of my life without having another and not resenting my partner forever.

Tbh if I was 58 yo with a 5 yo dd I wouldn't go for another child either.
I think you have left it too long.

He's 58, op. You can't be that shocked that he doesn't want another child at his age. You're 44, and time and fertility history is definitely not on your side, either. Is your "need" to have another baby more important than maintaining a loving home for your existing child? Many, many people only have one child even though they may have wanted more and they are still very happy. My mother included.

I also don't know how I can live the rest of my life without having another and not resenting my partner forever.

Even if your partner agreed to try, the odds are not good at all. You not having another probably has nothing to do with him in reality.

It has become a real issue in the past year and a half

Something to keep in mind... Peri-menopause can cause extreme broodiness. It's very common and you are most probably in peri-menopause at 44. The broodiness passes, it really does.

As someone of only 40 with an older Dad (he was 40 when he had me) I've gone through stages of feeling angry (as a teenager) and sad (as a n adult) that I probably won't have as long with him as my friends will with their fathers who had them in their 20s and 30s. I know it's not a guarantee with anything and people get sick at any age, but it's something I've thought about a lot. So to burden a child with two older parents- one of whom is nearly 20yrs older than my "older" parent) seems unfair.

I don't mean this in a horrible way and hope you take it in the spirit it's meant; just wanted to give you a child's perspective on this.

Thanks @Aquamarine1029, I was not aware that broodiness can be linked to perimenopause. I will read about it.
Thanks for your perspective @OhYoko , harsh for me to read but appreciated nontheless.

I think this sounds so tough. The responses are a bit harsh so far tbh and I totally get that you resent your partner on this because he has vetoed it.

It's beside the point but wonder if your ages actually make having a sibling for your daughter even more desirable. I have a number of friends who are only children of older parents and it has been difficult.

It feels unrealistic and a bit unkind to ask to destroy the embryos now when you aren't comfortable and grieving the children you won't have. Can you wait longer to do this?

I'm so sorry but I think you need to make peace with this. At 44 and 58 you would be really old to be parents and anyway IVF might not work. The odds of having another baby are remote x

I was 40 when I had my youngest child, not ideal but it wasn't straightforward. My mum was 19 when she had me, and she died when she was 62. There are no guarantees!

@snackprovidersupreme "wonder if your ages actually make having a sibling for your daughter even more desirable"
I think so too, more often than not.

I am aware IVF might not work, but feel like at least then we tried and it's not imposed on me by my partner.

Thank you all for your input.

Does your partner already have children ?

' though he looks (and somewhat behaves) younger than me '
' my partner is 58 '

would your partner be able to retire in 9 years time ? at 67 - if he became a father again at the age of 59 or older ?

if you think you may resent your partner for the rest of your lives, how do you feel about ending the relationship ?

would you be able to do the ivf process on your own ?

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon
I think he would be able to retire. We would need to adjust our lifestyle, but it would be possible.

I really don't want to end the relationship, I would lose the family I already have for another I may or may not be able to have (our embryos are from when I was 38 and are all good quality, starting now from a 44 year old egg is quite impossible).

But yes, it might come to it in the end. I am hoping I will find a way to stay and find peace.

Just Google "broodiness and peri-menopause." There is a wealth of information.

would that be fair and reasonable to your partner, daughter, and the 2nd child if you did have to adjust your lifestyle ?

could that lead to resentment on his part ?

could it lead to resentment on the part of a 14 year old daughter ?

I was MASSIVELY broody at 40 and we had 4 kids aged 20-10 at that point. DH had had the snip and obviously said no. He's a couple of years younger than me and it was so bizarre as he went through exactly the same broodiness. I think it's just letting go of that part of your life.

If one part of a couple doesn’t want any more; that’s it, unfortunately.

In the same breath, you can't impose an unwanted baby on him.

You are being very unfair on your partner. You are lucky he agreed to have a child at 53.

Any age, let alone his, it’s absolutely reasonable not to want more than one child. Babies and toddlers are bloody hard. Especially 2 of them.

If you have an otherwise great relationship with your partner, then don’t throw it away over not having a baby at 44 and 58.

That’s a significant age gap between you and hubby, I think he should be more understanding of the fact that you are still in the parenting stage even though he’s shuffling into the grandad stage. It would also be a bummer if you didn’t have a kid and split up 5 years down the track anyway

Perhaps a more constructive way of looking at it would be not blaming your husband, but "blaming" mother nature.

Not so many years ago, it would've been near impossible to conceive a child at 46. Coin that with a 58 year old partner and you can see how such a scenario could've quite easily ended up on a 1960s equivalent of OK Magazine. It would be unusual and you need to be honest and realistic with yourself in that this wouldn't have even really been a conversation not so many moons ago.

I'm sure therapy will have also mentioned how important it is for you to value the wonderful daughter you currently have, and to not obsess over DC2. It's also worth mentioning that your second child would likely have a pretty crap time. Having a father in their 60s whilst growing up can't be fun. My father was in his late forties and he became exhausted enough for me to notice.... in that sense I personally feel the choice to have another would verge on selfish.

I'm sorry you feel how you do, but I really don't think your husband is to blame here. To threaten him could also potentially break down your marriage and make a much worse life for your daughter.

A new baby at 58? 76 when the baby goes to university?! He’s far too old - really feel for you op but can see why he’s refusing.

You will likely also change massively over the next few years. You have plateaued at the moment and probably still feel like you are late thirties zine but late 40s- early 50s means massive changes for women physically and mentally- having a baby / toddler to contend with would be hellish. Looked at a flashback pic of my friendship group when we 42-44 to now 49-51 the difference in everyone was shocking.

It was already a selfish decision to have a child when he was 53 let alone 58. Sometimes we have to accept that a ship has sailed and that's a consequence of life decisions (meeting someone older and later in life before starting a family)

He’s 58, he’s too old really to have have another child. At 44 you are verging on that too, you may not be able to have another one. You say your dd is the light of your life, concentrate on her instead of breaking up her family on the small chance you may be able to have another.

I think you are both too old at 44 and 58, it would be so unfair to the child and might not work anyway.

You have your daughter who you are so lucky to have and should focus on her.

He's old enough to be a grandad. Too old to have another baby.

Bloody hell he’s almost a pensioner! Way too old to be having a baby.