Partner doesn't want a second child but I cannot get over it

[Tuli666]

Hello everyone,
I am 44 and my partner is 58, though he looks (and somewhat behaves) younger than me...
We've been together 14 years and tried for a baby when I was 36 but no luck so we went for IVF and ended up with three embryos. One is not an amazing 5 year old girl, the light of our life. The other embryos are still frozen.

Since our daughter was about 1.5 I wanted to have a second child, but my partner didn't. We discussed it so much, and went through a few phases where I thought I convinced myself I am ok with it but I always come back to feeling I am just kidding myself. It has become a real issue in the past year and a half, I've become so miserable seeing everyone in my NCT and friends around having their second, I am feeling quite depressed. Having those two embryos feel like we have two other children waiting to come to us.
We've been going to therapy but it is not helping so much. I understand his reasons and they are all valid, however, I don't seem to be able to move on.

Our therapist advised us to contact the hospital to discard the embryos so we can get closure but I am devastated by the thought this is really it.
I feel like I cannot forgive my partner, who says no but still has doubts sometimes, while I am so sure of my wants and needs. It feels like he's not taking me into consideration so it hurts even more.

If anyone here been in a similar situation either with ivf or not, did you manage to have a second? One of my not so close friends told her partner either another or she leaves and now they have two. I don't want to behave that way but I also don't know how I can live the rest of my life without having another and not resenting my partner forever.

You should explain to your husband how unhappy you are, and how much you have always desired a second child - and see if you can come to any kind of arrangement. Even, you do all of the childcare and are effectively a single parent, and he has no financial responsibility for the child (it could make him more likely to consider). I don't think you will ever come to terms having only one child and will always resent your husband, and that's not fair to put up with.

But it would be fair to the child to be brought up in this scenario? Even if you just think of OP’s husband as a sperm donor (which is pretty much what you’re reducing him to), think about the child.

“Mummy, who’s that man who lives with us and always plays with Katie but not me?”

”Well sweetheart, that’s your daddy. He plays with Katie because he’s her daddy too. But you see, he wanted her and didn’t want you, so I said he could just help me have you, but then never spend any time with you or money on helping me buy you food or clothes. That’s why Katie always gets more presents at Christmas. Do you understand?”

Yeah, that’ll work brilliantly. No chance of that messing with a child’s head.

I understand the longing for a baby. To do all those sweet things again, to see your children play together. To have the perfect 2.4 child family. And it is hard when your peer group are popping out babies (this stage won’t last much longer btw). But it might not work out that way even if you went ahead. A second child could have a severe disability and not ever be independent. Or have a lifetime of mental ill health. Your children could simply not get on with each other. Life is unpredictable. Instead of being able to spend time as a couple and enjoy luxuries like travelling together in 13 years, you might find yourselves facing a very different old age. As others have said, ageing accelerates as time goes on. 44 is very different to 54. A lot can happen, health wise, between 58 and 70. A delightful, healthy five year old is a wonderful gift. Don’t waste her magical, fleeting childhood by pining for something that realistically will never happen. Your partner won’t get keener with age. Make other plans based on a lovely one child future. There are lots of things that are easier with one five year old. Why not organise a fabulous family holiday somewhere you have always wanted to go. Book to take her to the ballet at Christmas. Build a fabulous wendy house in the garden. Get married if you want that and she can be bridesmaid and you have an amazing party? Put the IVF money into her university fund. Fill your house with your daughter’s friends. Make the life you have as special, busy and fun as you possibly can and count your blessings.

Yes, whilst I know it's not quite the same as adoption, all of the adopted kids I've ever known who got in touch with their birth mothers later in life (one of my parents included) have had very complicated feelings about their biological families. It's not like the adult is going to rock up aged 30 and be like "Hey, mum! This is all fine and unproblematic, let's have a relationship!" They're going to have a lot of questions and feelings about you and your husband and why you "kept" their biological sister but "donated" them.