Partner doesn't want a second child but I cannot get over it

[Tuli666]

Hello everyone,
I am 44 and my partner is 58, though he looks (and somewhat behaves) younger than me...
We've been together 14 years and tried for a baby when I was 36 but no luck so we went for IVF and ended up with three embryos. One is not an amazing 5 year old girl, the light of our life. The other embryos are still frozen.

Since our daughter was about 1.5 I wanted to have a second child, but my partner didn't. We discussed it so much, and went through a few phases where I thought I convinced myself I am ok with it but I always come back to feeling I am just kidding myself. It has become a real issue in the past year and a half, I've become so miserable seeing everyone in my NCT and friends around having their second, I am feeling quite depressed. Having those two embryos feel like we have two other children waiting to come to us.
We've been going to therapy but it is not helping so much. I understand his reasons and they are all valid, however, I don't seem to be able to move on.

Our therapist advised us to contact the hospital to discard the embryos so we can get closure but I am devastated by the thought this is really it.
I feel like I cannot forgive my partner, who says no but still has doubts sometimes, while I am so sure of my wants and needs. It feels like he's not taking me into consideration so it hurts even more.

If anyone here been in a similar situation either with ivf or not, did you manage to have a second? One of my not so close friends told her partner either another or she leaves and now they have two. I don't want to behave that way but I also don't know how I can live the rest of my life without having another and not resenting my partner forever.

It feels like he's not taking me into consideration so it hurts even more.

When you are poles apart, you can only really take your own view into consideration. There is no compromise to be had in this situation.

I think your age is fine to have a child. If you are in good health and financially stable, then having a child past the age of 40 is a marker of longevity. Various studies have demonstrated that having a baby over 40 means you are significantly more likely to make it to age 90+. Also, the government defines a woman of child-bearing age - as up until the last day of being 45. Back in the days before birth control, women with large families often had their last child in their 40's. I personally think your husband is being selfish, and that you shouldn't listen to the therapist in regard to destroying embryo's until you are really completely sure that you want to do so.

You should explain to your husband how unhappy you are, and how much you have always desired a second child - and see if you can come to any kind of arrangement. Even, you do all of the childcare and are effectively a single parent, and he has no financial responsibility for the child (it could make him more likely to consider). I don't think you will ever come to terms having only one child and will always resent your husband, and that's not fair to put up with. I feel like if at all possible, you need to try to use the embryo's and then that way you can draw a line under it one way or the other!

p.s. If you are financially sound within your own right and are really desperate for a child, you could even consider splitting up with your husband and trying to use a sperm donor (you do have a low chance of success, but at least you will have tried).

https://www.parents.com/news/giving-birth-later-in-life-could-mean-you-live-longer-according-to-a-new-study/#:~:text=Another%20study%20showed%20women%20who,the%20right%20time%20for%20you.
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/conceptionandfertilityrates/bulletins/childbearingforwomenbornindifferentyearsenglandandwales/2014-12-04

She’s already 44, so if she thought about it, split with her husband, started the IVF process alone, selected doner sperm and the managed to go through the whole process she’d clearly be over 45 which even you have just said is the top end of child baring age, nethermind the fact her eggs are too hold now. Stupid advice. Her husband is also too old to have a child.

Yes dh is older then you. You are younger

I was almost 44 when gave birth rk mini blondes now 7 and dh 50.

But due to Mother Nature not playing ball and this was our 5th private ivf

I don't feel too tired and feel she is a joy to have

We have 3 left in the freezer but we won't use as 1) feel too old 2) grateful to have dd who is healthy

If she is adamant it's a no then it's stalemate as you can't go ahead without his permission

Which is kinda unfair as you both choose to do this and now he's changing his mind

They will be donated to medical science to help others

'Which is kinda unfair as you both choose to do this and now he's changing his mind'

Nothing in Op's posts suggests this - her DH has been adamant since they started discussing a second child that he didn't want to go down that path.

@albaalba351 Even, you do all of the childcare and are effectively a single parent, and he has no financial responsibility for the child how do you think the child would feel about this arrangement as they grow up? What kind of absolute mental nonsense is this?

@TeaKitten it's not stupid advice - it's positing an alternative opinion for the poster to consider incase it is helpful for the poster. People are allowed to suggest different scenario's you know - it's the reason people post on online forums! Besides women have been known to have babies post 45 - especially when they have good quality embryo's waiting from previously!

She can’t use the embryo without her husband though can she, so she won’t have a good quality one. She has frozen embryos, she’s not mentioned eggs. And you can suggest whatever you like but it’s still stupid advice and just as you can give stupid advice, I can call it out for what it is.

It's utterly stupid advice. You go girl, split up your family and try to get pregnant at 44 without a thought for the impact on your actual child or potential second child!

But it's not just about the mother - it's about the father, and most importantly the child/ren. The father feels he is too old. He's right.

I could not forgive this. He’s entitled to say no but if you stay you will always resent him.

i actually think when husbands refuse to have a second child when they can see how much their wives want one it’s deeply cruel. I could not do that to someone I loved.

Can you go ahead with the embryos on your own?

Cruel?? They are too old for another child! You have to apply some sense and logic in these situations. If she can’t move past it then that’s fair enough, she can’t help how he feels. But not trying for another baby at 58 is sensible and fair to his existing child, having a baby at 58 that you don’t want to please your wife who old be past 45 if they were successful would be bloody selfish. He is not being cruel.

@Ineedbutteredtoast it's far more cruel to guilt trip someone into a child they don't want, to the person AND the child. You don't have a baby to appease someone, it's a person, not one more round of drinks on a late night.

JFC, are you serious?! Some people’s judgement is so, so clouded.

OP is 44 and the H is nearly sixty.

Keanu Reeves is the same age, smoking hot, solvent AF and looks insanely good for that age. Even if he begged me I wouldn’t gave his child….because he’s nearly sixty.

I’m agog at some of the comments on here.

@Gorgonemilezola then why freeze the others if he only wanted one

Or should I have said when born we have our child. Let's donate rest

@Blondeshavemorefun because he would need OP’s permission to discard or donate them? Because that would be a really weird convo to have when up 5 times a night to change nappies?

(I am not sure if they would be donatable, given age profile etc)

You freeze the others regardless incase the first embryo doesn’t stick, obviously.

It's fairly standard practice to freeze several embryos - if the first one hadn't been successful then there are more in reserve to try again. It doesn't mean because there are 3 remaining that the Op and her DH should continue to have more children until they're used up

As dh and I have been in these same circumstances I've surprised that they didn't have this chat when baby was maybe 6mths old

Do we go again

Or maybe they did and dh said no

Ans op thought over the years he may change his mind

Well DH and I are 20 years down the line after having DC3 aged 40. No complaints!!

@Tuli666 I am only a couple of years older than your DP and the idea of having a baby fills me with horror, even if the stork brought it and I didn't have to carry it. I wouldn't have the energy or the patience. Plus we are thinking about retirement and freedom, travelling... it's a different phase of life.

The odds of success have to be very low as well. Is it worth putting yourself through all that IVF entails, and still not have a baby at the end of the day?

@Tuli666 lots of people have talked about if they think you should/ shouldn't have another baby and why. I'm going to ignore that.

Assuming you don't have another, it's ok to grieve that, to be sad for what might have been. Although you never really know how things would have worked out. Allow yourself to feel sad when you do and acknowledge those feelings. They are ok. But ask yourself, moving forward, what sort of person do you want to be? What is most important to you? What do you value?

You can have your grief without resenting your DH, you can recognise his feelings are as valid as yours. He is not "stopping you" he just can't feel the same as you. It isn't his fault he feels that way any more than it is yours you feel the way you do.

Use the things you value to help you move forward. They are your mantra. I don't imagine you value resentment and anger so when you feel those, acknowledge them but put them aside and tell yourself they don't fit. Remind yourself of who you are really. You might feel stuck there at the moment but you can move past it.

These threads are always so disconcerting.

No one is owed or entitled to a child, and to resent someone for deciding against becoming a father again (at 58!) is completely unreasonable. He has decided for himself which he is perfectly entitled to do. The OP has to accept the embryos won’t be used, or move on and try to get her own way perhaps using a donor.

To the poster who thinks refusal to have a second is ‘cruel’: As cruel as inflicting a resentful, reluctant parent on a child who deserves to be fully wanted by both parents?

I think not.

Oh give over.