Partner doesn't want a second child but I cannot get over it

[Tuli666]

Hello everyone,
I am 44 and my partner is 58, though he looks (and somewhat behaves) younger than me...
We've been together 14 years and tried for a baby when I was 36 but no luck so we went for IVF and ended up with three embryos. One is not an amazing 5 year old girl, the light of our life. The other embryos are still frozen.

Since our daughter was about 1.5 I wanted to have a second child, but my partner didn't. We discussed it so much, and went through a few phases where I thought I convinced myself I am ok with it but I always come back to feeling I am just kidding myself. It has become a real issue in the past year and a half, I've become so miserable seeing everyone in my NCT and friends around having their second, I am feeling quite depressed. Having those two embryos feel like we have two other children waiting to come to us.
We've been going to therapy but it is not helping so much. I understand his reasons and they are all valid, however, I don't seem to be able to move on.

Our therapist advised us to contact the hospital to discard the embryos so we can get closure but I am devastated by the thought this is really it.
I feel like I cannot forgive my partner, who says no but still has doubts sometimes, while I am so sure of my wants and needs. It feels like he's not taking me into consideration so it hurts even more.

If anyone here been in a similar situation either with ivf or not, did you manage to have a second? One of my not so close friends told her partner either another or she leaves and now they have two. I don't want to behave that way but I also don't know how I can live the rest of my life without having another and not resenting my partner forever.

Fair enough, I inferred from the OP that they had planned to use the other embryos but she hadn’t actually written that. It’s a tough situation for sure.

He's too old. You could easily end up with young children and taking care of an ailing husband. It's really not fair on a second child. You're too old to start again with another man. I think you just need to work on accepting it.

Sorry you are going through this. I would also suggest continued therapy. I think it’s too late to have another child and it could be to the detriment of your existing family unit.

I don’t think many people actually have that conversation. At the time of freezing, a lot of people seem to feel it’s be unlucky to plan ahead. You’re just really hoping that attempt works, not focusing on future ones.

I can see why it’d be easy for OP to think there was intent, though, even just from continuing to pay to have them frozen. But it does seem to open a vortex for a lot of people. They’re not babies, but they feel like they could be. It feels like they exist, so it’s not as simple as deciding not to TTC - they are there. And getting rid of them is really final; and very different to the almost passive “not trying” most people get to do.

I can absolutely see why OP feels as she does.
Theres two big factors that go against her; though.

The first is that the person who doesn’t want more overrules the other; always. Even if you’ve agreed originally to have more. Both people must want the baby.

And the second is their ages, and the impact on the life of the whole family.

This is really sad I'm sorry op. Sadly as they are embryos not eggs he does have to consent to them being used, even if you left him to have a baby alone you couldn't use those embryos without his consent.

In your position, rather than destroying them I'd want to donate them so there is a small chance they might be born and find me on a dna tracking thing in years and I could still meet them and have a relationship later on in life.

I'm assuming you don't have any frozen eggs?

You are both too old and I think you know it and that’s why you’re upset. It would be incredibly selfish to bring a child into the world at 60. I’m sorry you had issues conceiving earlier my advice is to seek therapy for the issues you have relating to this. Be grateful you have one child as some people can’t even have one.

I think you should really try and make you peace with having one OP. Your DP is NBU to not want another at 58.

He's an old man! It was cruel enough having one baby with a man in his 50s never mind waiting until he's nearly 60 and wanting to try to conceive another.

Hopefully, he just about staves off old age and the inevitable health issues long enough until your existing child finishes university. It's still crap for her having a dad old enough to be her grandad.

Why do people on MN always insist their much older husband looks and acts decades younger than their age? It's highly unlikely a man of almost 60 looks and acts like a 40 year old. There's nothing wrong with looking and acting your age. You desperately want him to look and act younger so he can be a father and not a grandfather to your child and so he doesn't stand out at the school gates.

I went through periods of wanting a second OP but DP was quite clear about sticking with one. As it happens it’s fortunate we only have one child for a multitude of reasons. I think you almost have to make a decision about how you want your life to be. Do you want to go through life full of resentment & regret when your DP’s reasons are so valid? You are so lucky to have your DD.

Look at your child.

You're incredibly lucky.

So many of us couldn't, didn't, lost, etc.

You have the precious gift already right in front of you.

Focus on them, loving, caring for, being with the child right there.

Accept that is your family - something which so many are denied.

Changing how you feel starts with changing how you think.

Don't let your child feel they aren't enough.

I agree tbh but they already have a 5 year old. I don’t think only children are inherently disadvantaged, nor do I think children of older parents are inherently disadvantaged, but I think the 2 together isn’t ideal tbh. If I was him I’d suck it up and have another because I don’t think it’s very fair to leave a child without siblings and parents in their 70s when they’re only a young adult.

This is a very good point!!!

Looking after elderly parents is a heavy burden to carry on your shoulders when you’re an only child. Especially when you’re only early 20’s sort of age.

Sorry, but that really isn't a good enough reason to have another. What if the siblings didn't get along, or the baby is disabled.

This has to be your hormones talking, I appreciate it took you a while to get your daughter but you must realise 58 is a pretty advanced age to be having a child and 44 for a woman is pushing the fertility boundaries even in couples who managed to have children without assistance, and I'm sure you realise this. Your feelings are your feelings, but I think you need to come to terms with your situation and recognise your partner is not being at all unreasonable, I know it's easy to say but you are very lucky to have your daughter so I would focus on that, and I don't think I've ever said that on here because I know how unhelpful that can be but in this situation it really is what you need to do.

Err, but when DD is 25, her dad will be 78 but her mum only 64 ie not yet retirement age. So it’s most likely OP will look after her DH.

He is 58! At 58 my Dad was a grandad several times over and he had kids at 30 so not exactly young. Can you find a therapist to talk this through with?

I can understand your feelings, OP, but I do think you are going to have to try to make your peace with the status quo and focus on enjoying and being grateful for your daughter and your marriage. Keep up the therapy.

Your DH is not in any way unreasonable to not want a child at 58, no matter how much you want it and no matter how much he loves you.

@heartbrokenof OP is in therapy, it’s mentioned twice in the first post.

@littlebitstuck2024

”He's an old man! It was cruel enough having one baby with a man in his 50s never mind waiting until he's nearly 60 and wanting to try to conceive another.”

OP didn’t wait until he was nearly 60. She was ready to have the frozen embryo implanted when her DD was 1.5 and her DH 54/55.

I can completely understand her DH thinking he was too old for two at 55, and I think OP will have to try and find a way to live with it, but the situation isn’t quite as you described

I feel for you how hard this must be to accept. But he's 58, you would be asking him (most likely) to spend the remainder of his healthy life raising a young child whom he may never or for only a few years enjoy an adult relationship with. And he may well consider that to be at the expense of the relationship he has with your daughter - as his ability to actively parent is different surely raising a child in his 60s vs 20s/30s/40s.

Your only other option is to break apart your family on the off chance you can have a baby alone, without that baby's father's consent? This would be a completely selfish decision as it would be awful for both your husband and daughter, and very problematic for the new baby as well.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation but I agree acceptance would be better. In a less modern world another baby would never have been possible.

Thank you everyone for your messages.
It seems a lot of you were really shocked by the ages, which I can understand. Please consider we entered this journey later in life (we started trying when he was 50) so it's not that much of a shock to us as it might be for some of you. Keep in mind that before we had our daughter, he had 53 years of complete freedom, he travelled the whole world, worked on amazing and exciting jobs, had years of calm and peace and experienced lots of things so his urge to 'retire' is not as urgent as some other people may experience. His age / energy levels is definitely not the number one reason for not having a second.

Having said that, I understand that age is a contributor to the making a decision.

I was hoping you might be able to help me find a way to move on, find peace, not view him as someone who broke my heart in a way. There are some days when I feel it is possible but then a huge wave of grief and sadness comes and I feel like I am taking two steps back. Even walking in the park and seeing moms with buggies is too much. I am worried for my mental health :(

Is there an option to have the embryos put back in you without doing all the hormonal treatment first? I would assume it’s very unlikely they would make it, although not impossible, but then they would have returned to you rather than just being discarded? If possible I feel like this could help with finding peace, although it obviously wouldn’t work for everyone.

I’m 35 and my DH 40 so we are younger but also had a difficult time having our boy. He is adopted, now 5 and I would love to adopt another. My DH is a firm no. We are so lucky with our boy. He is everything we ever wanted and adoption is hard, risky and complicated.

Still, it stings. I’ve cried a lot and my DH is very understanding but we did the whole process as ‘if one is a no, it is a no.’ I have had to get used to the different image of the family I had in my head.

Reading helped me - One and done is one book and another one I can’t remember off the top of my head. It talks about the benefits of raising an only child and now to come to terms with it if you are ‘one and done, not by choice.’ It has really helped me!

I was much younger when i had my first. If my dh said no to a second that would have been a deal breaker for me. however, at both your ages you really dont have another option