Partner doesn't want a second child but I cannot get over it

[Tuli666]

Hello everyone,
I am 44 and my partner is 58, though he looks (and somewhat behaves) younger than me...
We've been together 14 years and tried for a baby when I was 36 but no luck so we went for IVF and ended up with three embryos. One is not an amazing 5 year old girl, the light of our life. The other embryos are still frozen.

Since our daughter was about 1.5 I wanted to have a second child, but my partner didn't. We discussed it so much, and went through a few phases where I thought I convinced myself I am ok with it but I always come back to feeling I am just kidding myself. It has become a real issue in the past year and a half, I've become so miserable seeing everyone in my NCT and friends around having their second, I am feeling quite depressed. Having those two embryos feel like we have two other children waiting to come to us.
We've been going to therapy but it is not helping so much. I understand his reasons and they are all valid, however, I don't seem to be able to move on.

Our therapist advised us to contact the hospital to discard the embryos so we can get closure but I am devastated by the thought this is really it.
I feel like I cannot forgive my partner, who says no but still has doubts sometimes, while I am so sure of my wants and needs. It feels like he's not taking me into consideration so it hurts even more.

If anyone here been in a similar situation either with ivf or not, did you manage to have a second? One of my not so close friends told her partner either another or she leaves and now they have two. I don't want to behave that way but I also don't know how I can live the rest of my life without having another and not resenting my partner forever.

I actually think your DP has been quite selfish. He should have realised that a woman 14 years younger than him was likely to want children. He should have agreed to have a second baby when you first wanted to, but I sadly think that ship has sailed now. I would find it hard not to be resentful.

@Noimaginationforaun I also think your DH is being very selfish. I had my youngest when I was 40 (through circumstances) and it was absolutely fine. He's not too old!

It seems like you are looking for a way to mourn and move on from a might-have-been. The fact that two embryos exist make it physically more real, even though the chances are low. Something like that? It sound like that’s maybe what your counsellor was getting at saying you should let them go?

What if you planned to do that but to purposely mourn, have a ceremony of some kind that is meaningful to you, marking that that stage in your life is gone? Does thinking about that make it better, or worse?

Op, it's the opposite here. My husband has suddenly been very keen for a second in the last years or so. I feel like we are too old now, the age difference with dc (7) is too big for them to 'play together', we are already tired all the time, we live in a small two bed and already live modestly, chances of new baby being healthy are decreasing every day at our ages (no frozen eggs), ...

To be honest, I'm a bit angry with him insisting. In our case I do 80 percent of the childcare, if not more, so I think it's really unfair of him. He says he wants our child to have a sibling - well, why didn't you talk about it 6/ 5 years ago! That's when I would have been persuaded. I do feel like I really aged in the last few years (early 40s), and don't feel I can go through a pregnancy, go through sleepless nights, go through another toddler stage... My dc was/is a very high demand child. May be if I had an easier child I would be thinking differently, but then imagine having the 'challenging' sibling when you're older.

I don't know you or your dh. You might be super healthy and wealthy. Very capable to grow more children. But in my case, I'm just frustrated with my dh and almost feel like if I agreed he would've backtracked himself as it's just a stupid idea!
We have our gorgeous dc and I'd love nothing more than to give him my full attention and resources, without distracting myself with what should've, or might be. Acceptance of what you have already.

I'm typing all this in because when I was reading your posts it helped me understand my dh pov and how he feels about my decision a bit. Hopefully my pov will help you understand your dh more too.

And to add I went through a full term stillbirth many years ago and it was the most heartbreaking thing in my life. I know you want to just try but the consequences of it not working can have a huge impact too.

This. If he doesn’t want any more then that’s it, really - he has a right to say no (just as you have a right to leave if you disagree)

OP, if I were you, I would totally have my 2nd child. Even if it means splitting up. Why? Because the yearning of a child and the grief that follows, not having that child is as bad as mourning a death.

In life, we regret most, the things we didn't do. Explain to your dh how badly you want a 2nd child and have your child.

And as for those linking your desire for a child to menopause. Well... it might be true that one can become broody during menopause but until you have experienced the grief of not having a desired child, you literally have no idea! It is nothing to do with the menopause.

I have never read anything more selfish and self-absorbed in my life. Anyone who genuinely feels this way shouldn't have children to begin with.

I agree.

The hope and the possibility of something happening is very hard to let go of when that opportunity is there to see.

Knowing that you have those eggs there means that you will always hold on to the idea that another baby is possible and that it’s not out of reach.

I know it’s not the same but when I was desperate for a 3rd baby and my husband kept saying no I felt such anger and resentment towards him. I was very sad a lot of time and sometimes I felt like I physically ached with the longing.

One day he sent me a text message to say he had booked himself in for a vasectomy and I felt devastated because I knew then that all my longing was futile.

However, after he’d had it done and I had let go of the hope and the constant belief that maybe he’d change his mind about a third, I was finally able to move on. Within a few weeks of the procedure the disappointment just went and I was in a much better place emotionally.

Once the option of a third baby was taken off the table I knew there was no point focusing on the idea of it happening, and instead I just turned my focus to enjoying the two wonderful children I already had.

Having a vasectomy was the best thing he could have done. I really think that if he hadn’t and the option to have a baby was still physically feasible, I don’t think I would ever have been able to get over the desire of wanting one whilst feeling so hurt that my husband was stopping me from having one. I often wonder what damage would have been caused to our marriage if the resentment had continued to build.

Once he had the vasectomy and I knew there was never going to be a third baby it made things a lot easier as I was able to close the door on all the pain and difficult emotions I was trying to manage, and just move forwards.

Maybe your therapist is thinking that removing the possibility of a second child will help you move on too.

@Tuli666

' Even walking in the park and seeing moms with buggies is too much. I am worried for my mental health :( '

How sad for your daughter, you know the existing one you already have and
' One is not an amazing 5 year old girl, the light of our life. '

and you would be prepared to leave and divorce your husband because he does not want another child.

and the existing child would then be living 50/50 with each of her parents ' the light of our life. '

I do want to be blunt now and say you should seriously consider your age as a factor not to have another child either.

I’ve seen so many threads where women have detailed their horrendous experience with peri/menopause and being glad they didn’t have a small child to look after. I don’t think most parents would cope very well with teenagers in their 60s either. My mum certainly couldn’t.

My mum’s cancer consultant also told her that health issues including cancer massively increase over 50. For that reason, i also wouldn’t have wanted to be caring for a school-aged child.

I think the issue here is that you are following an extreme desire purely for yourself, but it’s slightly selfish and not the right decision for your family.

Also, you mention his age not being a factor, what actually are the reasonings he’s given you?

In your position, rather than destroying them I'd want to donate them so there is a small chance they might be born and find me on a dna tracking thing in years and I could still meet them and have a relationship later on in life.

This sounds awful-no consideration of the children at all. "Sorry, unlike your older sister, your father didn't want you so we gave you to strangers."

I think you need to try the other 2 embryos or it will eat you up. They may not be viable but at least you'll know and you won't have any 'what iffs'. Tell your dh this is what you've decided to do but be prepared that you might have to go it alone.

How selfish

You’re probably too old and he most definitely is.

I'm responding as someone who was one and dine but not entirely my choice - though it's not so simple. I agree wuth @ExcitedButNervous0424 - the apparent option of 2 embryos existing is leaving you in a painful limbo. Also because you are surrounded by others having their second.

Dh was 39 when ds was born. I'd always imagined having 2 but dh became much more ill after ds was with us. I know now that he had minimised the extent of the illness 's effects before he met me, though he didn't exactly lie about it. My experience was that dh was not often able to be a hands on dad, and that his ability to work became increasingly fragile. I still wanted 2 but became more worried about how I would cope. Eventually dh had a vasectomy and losing that possibility did help, though it was painful (for both of us).

I mourned having a second, felt terrible guilt about ds not having a sibling and did resent the circumstances but I also knew that if I regarded our family as a unit, I had to see the outcome as the best overall for us. That's the thing. Your husband really matters and his opinion matters. He is your family too.

It won't always hurt like it does now. People will stop having babies around you and that will help more than anything. Personally I would be cautious about fostering when you are in this state, though you might want to consider some volunteering wuth children (maybe help run the Brownies pack if your dd enjoys that) - you might like it though I found it both fun to get to know ds's friends and also a brilliant antidote to broodiness!!

I know someone who recently ended a marriage of 35 years and three dc to be with a woman whom he fell madly in love with. She's 30 and he's 62. They're planning on having a dc together. I wish them well!

This is his embryo too. If you left him could you even use it? (Morally hard no but legally not sure) If not then you aren’t having another baby.
You need to make peace with the situation and not blame him for your ages and the fact you only had the opportunity for one and have missed the boat. Love the child you have and your family

@OhYoko I had DD at 40 and DH is not much older. I would be very surprised if DD had a similar attitude and thought similar to you, being sad to be stuck with the old timer parents lol (but I feel I’ll raise DD with a more empathy, understanding and common sense for people’s personal circumstances).

I’m slightly horrified at some of the attitudes on here that seem to entirely discount both the existing child’s feelings and any potential one that would be brought into the situation.

What if another child had a significant disability, the probability of which is higher given ages? How would that impact the existing child? How would OP’s parenting be impacted by potentially nursing an older partner and a higher needs 2nd child?

Even if there was no disability, babies and toddlers are exhausting for average-age parents - it’s hard enough to give time to firstborns when you’re in your thirties and dealing with sleep deprivation. I can’t see how the pros of a sibling outweigh the cons for the existing child tbh; and that’s assuming they get on, which they very well might not.

I’m very much not a mummy martyr and can make selfish choices as much as the next person, but something as big as this has to be looked at in the context of the whole family - not just the desires of 1/3 of it.

I would feel the same way. I'd resent a partner for the rest of my life who was an intentional impediment to me having more children.

Tough situation OP. I yearned for a third and went through difficult marital times over this. Once the decision was made though it was made - and eventually accepted - but it had to be a sit-down conversation followed by some grieving on my part.

At this stage (12 years on) I am hugely relieved!! Genuinely.

All the people on here saying ‘just do it, even if it means splitting up’ - you do realise he would have to provide consent for the transfer of embryos that also belong to him, right? A system no doubt implemented for exactly these situations.
I’m sorry you are having such a hard time with this, OP. But he is, by all logical accounts, too old, and completely reasonable to be saying no to this.

Becoming a parent by adoption is completely different and there is nothing selfish at all by a parent saying no, this is enough. Adopted children need different parenting and you have no idea what their life is like so to call him selfish is unfair. Adoption is a greater risk than having birth children and it's one you must be ready for, not to mention the impact on the child they already have.

How do you think she's going to implant those embryos without her husband's agreement? Ridiculous comment.

Also, you really think people never regret having a child? Think again.

Three things op.

Firstly, I had my first at 35 and second at 39. The difference in my levels of tiredness was significant and having two is thrice the work of one. And I had paid help.

Secondly, you are mourning two perfect children and that might not be the outcome.

Thirdly, I am nearly 64 (still working full-time). I am so much more tired than when I was 58. I dread a full on social weekend nowadays.

I feel for you but I think a little pragmatism is needed.